The Man, The Myth, The Closure
I have very strong opinions on the "closure" issue, mainly because most of the people who are asking for it want just the opposite.
Say Abandonment Dude just up and takes a powder. You didn't say or do anything -- in fact, everything seemed to be going along swimmingly. And one day he disappears, or sends a short text saying adios, or fades away, all the while smiling and telling you everything's just ducky.
And you, my darling heroine, are left with one heck of a lot of hurt and questions. What happened? Why? Were you not good enough (we love to assume it's us), was there someone else (always the second question), or did you do something?
Talk about pain. We're talking unbearable pain -- especially if you have no answers. It leaves you questioning yourself and everything about youself.
Now you can call me and every other reader on Keen all day and all night, and although we may give you some clarity and a bit of solace, you want to hear it from HIM! It's not unusual. We all want it from the horse's mouth.
Problem is, do you really think the kind of dude who would act so disrespectfully would miraculously turn into sensitive and caring dude and find his voice and perhaps another set of his anatomy to deal with you properly?
So even after talking to your trusty psychic and getting a handle on what happened, you're tormented and unbelievably hurt. You decide to write him a letter pouring out your feelings -- in fact, since you are harboring a boatload of feelings, it's a 10-page letter -- front and back -- in small print -- on legal-sized paper. In other words, a letter he will probably never read.
Or you could call him -- that's it! You'll leave him a message, or two, or fifty, which he won't return. If you happen to catch him on the phone, he's busy right then, he'd accidentally fallen into a coma and just now came to and couldn't call, but everything's just fine and he'll call you later -- not.
You see, it's very difficult for Abandonment Dude to take responsibility for his actions. He doesn't like to deal with it, which is precisely why he handled things the way he did in the first place. Now in Abandonment Dude's defense, he's not a monster. He does (or did) care. He's sorry he hurt you, and yes, he does feel guilty, which does not make him feel all warm and fuzzy about himself. Abandonment Dude avoids that which makes him feel bad, and that means you.
Now comes the sinister quest for closure. Many times I get the calls, "I want closure! I'm going to write him a letter." Honestly, I don't mind if you write him a letter, but let's be real about it. The majority of the time, you're writing a letter to remind him what a fabulous person you are; or how much he hurt you so he runs to kiss your boo-boo and make it all better; or discover what a big mistake he made; or even to find out that he fell over a mongoose, had amnesia, and only regained his memory when the postman hit him in the head with your 10-pound missive -- all in the name of getting closure, my little Cleopatra, Queen of De Nile.
As I said before, I don't mind your calling or writing him. I don't mind callers experimenting, not listening, not being willing to accept things, even doing stupid things. We all do, and we all do it in our own time. You think I've never been hit by the stupid stick? I have. Actually, I can remember my best friend sitting with me for three straight months after a break-up, while I turned, "Why, why, why?" into my personal mantra.
Another trap I've seen women fall into I call (insert echo sound effect here) "The Sympathy Zone." You call him with some tragedy, illness, death -- you get the idea. What kind of monster wouldn't hold you when you're grieving? Unfortunately, your hair isn't long enough to play Rapunzel, and getting him to temporarily feel bad for you doesn't mean he wants you. That's what your friends are for, and none of your friends would ever treat you as abominably as he has.
Knowing why you're doing something is a big requirement towards closure. Understanding anyone, including yourself, is half the battle. So if you're trying to get a reaction from him, admit it, even if it's dumb or immature.
So at this point, would you like to know what closure really is and how to get it? It's peace, peace within. And who is the one person in the world that can provide you with said peace? Noooo, it's not Abandonment Dude. No, it's not even me. It's YOU! And unfortunately, sometimes we have to find it without any answers or explanations from dude whatsoever.
Look at the situation and look at your behavior. Did you treat the other party and the relationship honorably? Then you have nothing to be ashamed of, and you can be at peace with that fact.
Did you make mistakes? Did you lie to him, cheat on him, try to stick a square peg in a round hole -- in other words, mold him into what you wanted him to be and not honor who he was? Then look at your mistakes, see what you would do differently and learn from it. Don't beat yourself up. Forgive yourself and come to peace with it.
If you learn from your mistakes, you're not doomed to keep repeating them.
One of the most important lessons I've learned with age is that peace is where it's at. If you can attain peace with yourself and the world, everything else just falls into place.
(Now let's take a moment of silence to honor my best friend who sat with me during a temporary break-up a few years back, and who now has the nerve to claim it was the worst three months of HER life.)