I get a lot of calls from women who are upset that they're doing all the work in the relationship. But most of the time when I delve into it, it seems they trained their men that way.
The relationship started, the guy wasn't moving fast enough for them, they weren't calling enough, so the women started calling and planning and basically doing all the work. The guy said, "Okay. This is easy," and sat back and let her.
Now I'm not saying there are rules about who calls whom, but most of my callers on that subject don't like this situation. They want him to do some of the work. But really, why should he? You have things well under control. He couldn't do it better himself. He can answer the phone when he feels like it, avoid you when he doesn't. He can go along with the plans you've made, or not.
If it's okay with you, it's okay with me. But a sad thing about my profession, 99.9 percent of my calls aren't from people that are deliriously over-the-top happy and are just calling up to tell me how grand everything is. (Go ahead, I dare ya).
So if you find yourself in that habit of initiating all the contact, solving all his problems, making all the plans and doing all the work and you don't like it, I'm going to tell you how to change it.
Psssst, come close. It's realllllly easy. Here's the secret: Don't do it. Shhh, now don't tell anybody. It's a secret that's been handed down through generations!
Okay, honestly, it's just not that easy to retrain a man. It's just about as easy as retraining the dog. At first, the dog is going to do a Robert DeNiro imitation and say, "You lookin' at me?" And so will your man.
Let's take an example: Say you text him each and every day. You're tired of it and just can't take it anymore. The very first thing I would recommend you do is the easiest step: Tell him. Now don't go up and say, "Gosh darn it, you idiot. You never do anything for me. You don't love me, and by the way, do I look fat in these pants?" Remember, he thinks it's all okay with you since it was YOUR idea in the first place.
Just tell him you feel like you're doing a lot of the work and how appreciative you'd be if he would, say, be the one to come forward and do some of the contacting. He just may surprise you. However, remember, just because your idea of contact is texting every morning, doesn't mean his is. Meeting your needs is just ducky, but his needs just may not be the same. Contact every other day may be okay with him. He may prefer e-mail or phone calls to texts. Go with it. Reward him for his efforts! He listened to you and is trying to please you. This is what good relationships are all about.
If he pats you on the head and says, "Umm-hmmmm, baby, no problem, you got any more of those hot wings," all is not lost. After stating your side of it, sit back and wait for him to make an effort. It's not so hard to sit back. He's been doing it all along and not once has he fallen off the couch. You wouldn't expect your recalcitrant dog to learn to play dead in one session.
Second step is: Don't text him. You said you wouldn't, now don't. Don't fall into the old trap of, "Oh, he'll think I don't like him," "He's going to break up with me," or get all freaked out. Remember, he just might not have the same need to text every morning, or like my stubborn little dog Lili, he may be testing the water and saying, "Oh, she doesn't mean it. I'll just sit here looking cute and irresistible and wait for my treat."
Fact is, if the guy cares about you, he IS going to contact you. If you want him to do some of the work, you have to give him a chance to do so. If you want him to miss you, you have to go away! And look what you'll have, a MUTUALLY satisfactory relationship.
If you go through all this work and the guy does nothing, was it worth it? I'd say we have some other issues to deal with in that case.
Finally, I have to warn you, your retraining program may take a month to reestablish patterns, but the good news is, I'll be with you every step of the way. Training issues? Give me a call. Maybe we'll discover that the one that really needed training was YOU, and you won't make that mistake ever again.