To Loose What You Love Is Not Meant To Stop You From Living Life
Most of you know that I had a second trimester pregnancy loss in January. What you may not know is that I almost lost my life in the process. It was very difficult that Friday morning when I went to the doctor and there was no heart beat. This is not what I wanted but what I suspected. It was not as if I had not experienced this before, so I knew what to expect. I tried to be brave and strong. It is difficult for me to show my pain to others. This was quite painful.My heart felt as if it were shattered. Straight to the hospital I went. Choices were given to me as to how to terminate the pregnancy, and I chose induction over cesarean. Between the constant pain and throwing up one feels like they could die. I learned from the last time not to say” I feel like I am going to die.” It scares people. It is not the fear of death so much as it is the horrible way you feel. After the baby was finally born I felt weak and exhausted. I had been up over 24 hours without sleep or solid food. I didn’t feel like pushing out a placenta so I requested minor surgery to take care of this. My husband had been so supportive through everything, so I told him not to worry, please go take care of himself and get some food, take his medicine (he is diabetic) and I would see him soon. Well it took a little longer than expected. My blood pressure got extremely low as did my heart rate. This was from too much blood loss. I wasn’t concerned with that I just wanted more medicine to feel better; I was ready for more pain medicine and nausea medicine. They kept calling the blood lab requesting blood and blood never came, they would wait 15 minutes put in another call, and still no blood. I never got the blood transfusion. They got me stabilized and decided to go ahead without blood. It was during that time that I saw many many angels. I could not figure out why there were so many angels and not just one or two or three. It was amazing but brief. I woke up after the surgery, not feeling pain or discomfort, just tiredness. After being brought back to my room, I was allowed to eat whatever I wanted. We had to decide what to do with a tiny body. We had a small service in the hospital room, and had the baby cremated and the ashes put in the hospital gardens. They did not release me from the hospital until the next morning. My blood count was 5.9. I pretended I felt great so I could go home. Of course, they said if I fell or cut myself to go straight back. Everytime I would stand up my head would throb and I would be dizzy. This went on for a over a week. As difficult as it is to experience a loss of a baby that you wanted, life goes on. It is important to move foreword and go on. One can’t stop living. My health has come a long way in this time. I still sleep extra, and get tired from time to time. But I am able to drive again, pick up more than 5 pounds, take walks; I am back to eating normal meals and much more. This is a big improvement! I could not have improved without love and support from family and friends. Yes, even a lot of friends here on Keen. I still miss my baby and cry. But I can’t question why did this happen to me and fall victim to circumstance. I can only send my love to the little angel that I helped to create.