SEPERATE THE BEHAVIOR FROM THE PERSON
1. Realize first & foremost that a "bad" deed or action taken towards us does not make the person who did this to you a "bad" person. Their actions & behaviors were hurtful, or a "bad" choice. We all make mistakes, none of us are free & clear in this life from making "bad" choices that hurt another.
Humans have flaws and make mistakes. That doesn't make us all bad people does it?!
We often expect regret for these "bad" choices, and when we don't see any remorse or regret, our anger builds and builds.
FOCUS ON YOUR FEELINGS
2. You may blame the other person's "bad" choices for MAKING you feel bitter or resentful. Truth is, you are choosing your reaction, your emotions. You are choosing to feel this way. Accept your responsibility in the situation, and realize only you control the way you feel.
REALIZE REVENGE IS NOT A SOULTION OR RESOLUTION
3. When you are filled with thoughts of "getting even" or "showing them",
you are only adding to the hurtful feelings and hurting your relationship and yourself even more. There is no room for revenge in the resolution process, revenge will only increase the barrieres between you. Definetly not a good step to take if you are seeking to resolve this matter and/ or the realtionship.
FORGIVE EVERYTHING and FORGET NOTHING
4. This concept is a bit tricky and quite often misunderstood. When I say you should forget nothing, that does NOT mean holding the "bad" choice over the other persons head after forgiving them. Because that type of behavior is not true forgiveness. What I am trying to convey here is, say someone you shared a private & personal secret with, turned around and told a "few" friends. The next thing you know, your entire group of coworkers or friends or family are aware of your secret. FORGIVE the person who betrayed your trust, however, REMEMBER they are not a good secret keeper, therfore you should not turn to them with a private & personal matter the next time you need someone to share with about your private thoughts.
WORK THROUGH YOUR ANGER
5. When you find yourself holding onto hurt or holding a grudge against someone, realize that YOU are demanding someone do things YOUR way.
Try changing your demands into wishes, such as "I wish you would have kept my secret instead of telling a "few" people" instead of "you told everyone and now I am steaming mad!" The first response takes the power out of your anger and focuses on your real issue with the hurt. Taking the power out from underneath the anger response allows you to let go of the anger and address the issue in a peaceful manner. If you think about this for a a bit of time, you will begin to realize your part in hanging onto and increasing the negative of the situation simply by your response and your behavior. In the end, nothing is going to change the fact that your secret is out is it? NO! What you can do is control your reactions and emotions and therefore respond from your heart center, the space within that was hurt in the first place. Stop the emotional "shooting from the hip" and react from your center, the space of inner peace.
The more peaceful your response, the more in control you are, and that allows for true resolution, true release from anger & hurt. Express your feelings from your heart center, always honoring your inner peace. After all, only you can create and maintain your "inner peace".
It has been said we don't stop wars with more guns, well, we don't stop hurt with more anger either!
Light & Love,
Dr Daragh
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