So Mr. Black's Death Wasn't in vain... things it made me learn.
Lost my precious five year old dachshund, Mr. Black, Tuesday, December first, to some unnamed toxin he found in our yard the day before Thanksgiving.
Mr. Black at about 3 months.
I believe I've had healthy grief rules in place for a long time. If someone you
love, care about or admire dies, you honor them with your own best
works, your own best way. Honoring them takes the edge off the pain.
Gives you something to do of value. The AIDS quilt, and that guy who
MC's America's Most Wanted because his son was murdered... are two
examples.
I can hear him barking with joy here.
I can't sew, or mc a tv show. But I do learn from mistakes made by me
and others. That's what I can do. Share what I'm learning here. If anyone reads this who
learns from others mistakes, then what we've gone through can prevent someone
else going through an unnecessary tragedy.
He loved company and during the greetings he would
keep looking at me to share his joy as if to say,
"Ain't it the greatest Mom, Look, Dawn is here!!!"
Every negative emotion is a gift/tool if you know how to use it and more than knowing, follow through and DO use it. As Tony Robbins says, "It's not all about knowing what to do, it's about doing what you know." I've been practicing utilizing my anxiety, anger, depression, loneliness as they arise for sixteen years. And I'm pretty good at it. So good that you can be sure if I hear frightening footsteps behind me in a dark alley, I will not freeze with fear. I'll reach for the mace, look for light, look for people.... yeah, most of the time, I've got a pretty good grip on utilizing my negative emotions.
Oh how I used to hate motion blur! What an IDIOT.
Everyone of them is a favorite now.
Live and learn.
I don't have a lot of experience with grief and mind boggling regret though and that's a blessing. Of all the gifts of negative emotions, for me, those are by far the most painful.
Even out of focus he's beautiful.
I made two mistakes this last week. One was when I took him to the vet last Wednesday, I thought the yellow mush I'd stepped in that day was excrement.... it didn't look like he'd thrown up. It looked nothing like vomit. So the vet sent me home that day with both of us thinking Mr. Black had hurt his back a little. We were wrong. It was an honest mistake. And I'm heartbroken I made that mistake. Wish it hadn't happened that way but having thought it through do not feel guilty for it. I was doing the best I could with the resources I had.
As a youngster he wanted to
grow up to be a basketball player.
The second mistake I made was not taking him to the emergency room Friday or Saturday. I couldn't believe he was so sick he might die. It was like I was blind. I know regret is a sometimes extremely painful gift. To suffer it for months or years, that would be unhealthy. But to my way of thinking to sweep a gift that painful under the carpet is a terrible waste. If Mr. Black suffered, and I'm hurting this bad, I'll be damned if I waste it. We don't suffer for nuthin. If we suffer others have to benefit.
Big Chief Mr. Black.
I am surrounded by loving friends who want me to feel better. They try to medicate me by forcing me to quit feeling guilty over such a stupid mistake that caused him to suffer longer than necessary and die sooner than necessary.
Sitting up, begging for lap time.He always got it immediately after the picture was taken.
They are making a loving and terrible mistake. Maybe I am feeling regret I shouldn't feel. I don't believe that for a second, but to be fair to my loving friends, possibly, they're right. And if so, check back in three weeks, I may have figured it out on my own or be much more open to seeing it from your perspective.
Mr. Blonde (a dachshund I fostered a year) & Mr. Black.
But right or not, every time you try to get me to quit feeling guilty over not rushing him to the emergency room when I should have... your words are so counterproductive they're actually cruel. I can appreciate your intentions. But those words come from loving people who still believe negative emotions are only bad and terrible things. And I can testify I've learned otherwise. God is not a jerk. He didn't give us painful emotions to suffer. He gave them to us to use in sculpting our own best and least painful futures.
Being tempted by one of the ever present toys.
Now yes, of course, I know... it may have already been too late. But if I'd taken him and he'd died anyways, at least I could have said I did every intelligent thing to save him first. When you boil it down to it's essence, the mistake I made last weekend was a common one - I gambled with life. I gambled with Mr. Black's life and we lost.
Mr. Black trying to look menacing.
It got me thinking about all the ways many of us gamble with tragedy.... some drink and drive, some diabetics still eat sugar, there's plenty still smoking cigarettes, I was smoking again last night. We get nauseaus, dizzy and chest pains.... and don't go straight to the emergency room ourselves.
He's fascinated by a squirrel outside.
I didn't exercise him every day. Sometimes I let him get fat. Seemingly small indiscretions, but would the toxin have hit him so hard had he been in optimal health? No. BS yourselves if you want to argue about it. But when anyone is teetering on the verge of life and death - facts are facts. The healthier they are, the better shot they've got. It still might have taken him. But no way to be sure. So many lessons to learn.
Little Enga, peasant dachshund.
I was stalled with indecision. I have a new question that I will always ask myself in the future that will break me out of the stall. If I had asked myself friday, "What's the gamble? What could I lose if I'm wrong and it's more serious than I realize? Well, simple. Bam. Out the door. On the way. So I'll never forget to ask that question again.
Oh how I love that face!!!
So the next time you reach for a cigarette, start up that car under the influence, have a candy bar when you know you're a diabetic or maybe you think "ah, no need to go the emergency room yet" You remember Mr. Black. He had a rough five days. I have suffered immense grief and regret. Everyone that loves me hurts for me. Would you gamble your house away for bullshit? No. Then please, don't gamble your life or a loved ones life over bullshit. Only gamble a life to save another life. Otherwise gamble on yourself and adventure, even money if you're that big a fool. But never forget, gambling with life, unnecessarily is the most foolish gamble of all.
Low Rider
I like most of the mistakes I make. I recognize them as educational and beneficial and seldom waste time giving myself hell over them. Learn from them, be grateful you didn't make the mistake in front of a bigger crowd and let it go. The only ones I hate are the ones with tragic consequences.
Golden Boys
Perhaps my mistake can prevent suffering in someone elses life and if that happens then Mr. Black's suffering wasn't entirely in vain.
Always reaching out with friendship.
And perhaps someday, someone you love will make a tragic mistake, and if you tell them they mustn't blame themselves, and they appear comforted, great. But if it seems to only upset them more, please, just change the subject. I've tried and tried to get this thru to my friends, and god love em they're compelled. Some of them literally cannot shut up.
A very imperfect shot of a perfect boy.
I tell them, don't you see I'm better now. Not healed, not done.... but examining the regrets, seeing the mistakes I can learn from, taking actions to prevent making that tragic mistake in the future.... that's where I find the most relief. It was one of those WTF was I thinking mistakes. I'll never know. But I can know exactly what to think in the future. "Whats the gamble, what might I lose if I'm wrong?"
Stretch dachshunds preceded stretch limos.
Sharing my mistakes, and those of my friends gives me some relief. If you'll leave a note THAT DOES NOT TELL ME TO QUIT FEELING GUILTY.... but does say something along the line of this touched me, it's got me thinking, I'll never forget that all important question.... anything along those lines.... that will be healing balm to this deep wound.
Before man made satin, God made Dachshunds.
And if you can't help but tell me not to feel guilty, then I'm putting a curse on you that every time you meet someone new you're accidentally going to fart when you shake hands. Can I really do that? I don't know. Do you really want to test me?.. That wouldn't be wise. Cause I'm sick to death of people 'helping' me that way.
Playing with Baby Dumplin
I didn't have a single psychic premonition. With some deaths I do, and I prevent them. I'll tell you about the dream that saved Mr. Minnihan years ago next time I write. I have come to believe over the years that any death I didn't get a premonition about - I wasn't supposed to get it. It really was their time. I tried reading the cards. It kept giving me "Permenant broken commitment - wish come true, wish come true, wish come true" I'd never seen those cards like that. I couldn't comprehend what they meant. I still don't get it. But if I ever see it your cards, I'll warn you, move now, do something now. Do every intelligent thing possible immediately.
World's shiniest dog, glowing in heaven.
He's fine now. He's chasing rabbits in heaven and playing with them when he catches them. He makes heaven a sweeter destination than ever. I won't hurry to get there. But I sure will be thrilled to see him when I do. Please learn from my mistake and those of my loving friends. And all this suffering will not go to waste.
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