Love Lessons
A year ago I was in the midst of a crumbling and toppling over relationship. I take full responsibility for my role in how everything played out and I stand firm that it takes two to make and two to break a relationship. I have so many clients come to me wanting to know “What is on her mind?” “Will we get back together?” It got me thinking about my journey and what I have learned thus far…
The first lesson I learned was that worrying just attracts more worry and situations that create further concern. He moved away, I was worried. I didn’t hear from him because he was busy, I obsessed that he might just want it to end. Over and over again… never anything good or positive. No wonder he couldn’t respond positively. I sent out my radio signal of crap, he picked it up and being an equally empathic and energetic being, tossed his garbage back and forth. I got an image of it months later like playing catch with items from a dumpster…nice, huh?
The second lesson I learned: NEVER lose yourself EVER. I spent so much time wondering when my boyfriend was going to call, how he felt, and what was going on with him that I lost myself. I would say that I spent 80% of my waking time consumed by this and God only knows how much of my dream state. I felt miserable, disgusted and sad. I thought it was him making me miserable but in fact, it was me. I was pissed at myself because I didn’t know who I was anymore. I’ve always been interested in learning as much as I can about alternative medicine, different religious practices, and divination tools. He laughed at me, so I did it in private. He scoffed at me, so I just stopped. I allowed him to make me feel bad for doing something that I loved.
Which brings me to lesson three: Nobody, in truth, has malicious intent. People are either children or adults in this world and we all need to grow up at some point. We lose the ego-fear-fed state and realize that dwelling does no good. We begin to walk in a state of grace. I have faith in all that they will see the light when it is their time. Even though he scoffed at me, laughed when I told him I was psychic (even after I stroked my ego by making a few predictions for him that did come true), I know that he was not and is not a malicious person. He is on his path, doing the best he can with the goods that he has. Does this mean that he was in my highest good? No. All the times I continued to engage in a relationship with him, in spite of my intuitive thrust to jump ship, I allowed the bad behavior to continue.
Bad behavior and setting boundaries go hand in hand. You cannot save another and you cannot act as their mommy/daddy. Don’t let anyone feed off your energy and respect their space by using your energy for yourself and your dreams. Setting boundaries is not about being closed off and having ridiculously high expectations. I believe that setting boundaries is the most healthy and natural thing we can do in life. Are you willing to wait for Jim to grow up and get a job? Do you accept that Kerry is cheating on you? Will you pay for her rent while she spends her money on lottery tickets? By saying, “I am clear and know the type of relationship I want and this isn’t it right now,” we are showing the universe we are open to receive what she provides us. We begin to walk steadily towards our heart’s desire and with an open heart, we will align with a new partner. If Jeff is not calling you and you feel, in your gut and have been guided that he isn’t in your highest good right now, you will be okay to step away. You DO deserve to have the best life possible. God is not going to say, “You get Jeff for now because Jim isn’t available and he’s the ONLY other one out there for you.” Goodness, no! How greedy! The universe is full of people that will align with us.
…and this brings me to free will. As we want another to respect our boundaries, we must also respect his/her boundaries, even if this boundary is “We are only friends.” We cannot force another to love us. Free will is on an individual basis. No whining, complaining and crying is going to alter another’s decision. In fact, it will just demonstrate how much you are willing to hand over your personal power to him/her. Nobody wants to be with a manipulative partner.
How many times have you heard yourself say, “If he loved me he would _______?” The joys of expectations, right??? Many of us have this idealism that love will come along, be easy and it will save us. Pssssh! We are on this planet to learn to love ourselves and others unconditionally, to let go and learn lessons. This Cinderella idealism confuses most people as they don’t seem to understand that relationships, friendship or romantic, in your highest good have potential to put you through the wringer. My last relationship ripped me to shreds, exposed all of my disgusting ugly character flaws and made me grow up. It pushed me onto this path, in fact. “Lower your expectations” is something I’ve heard from my advisors and as an Aquarian, I have this weird idealism about everything that I had to break through. If you are expecting another to act or respond in a particular way, you are wasting your time and energy. No person will do something just like you. It’s important to discern unloving from loving behavior. If Joe calls you Sunday to apologize for not getting back to you on Saturday as he said, you can give him a break and say, “It’s okay. I know you didn’t mean it. You can make it up to me with a back rub.”(in a flirty tone)… DON’T go off the deep end screaming about how unreliable he is. Men are not women and women are not men and no person, no matter the gender, is going to respond 100% the way you would. In fact, how many times have you looked back and thought, “I wish I would have responded differently?” So, not even you are innocent of always responding in the same way. If Sherry cannot be anything but your friend, remember, she is not going to treat you like a boyfriend so don’t expect her to. If you have a problem with keeping your expectations in check regarding another, this is your problem. You have work to do. Byron Katie’s books, “Loving What Is” and “I need your love: Is that true?” are great at putting intent and expectations in check.
Let me talk about what love isn’t. Love is not codependence, abuse (verbal, emotional, physical), a need to control another. Love is about accepting the person completely for who they are NOT their potential. When people ask me about getting someone back, I can take a look and see that the person isn’t in the client’s highest good or that the client just wants to change the person. I have seen men and women that make me wonder, “Why does that person want him/her back?” We get so used to these people. My ex boyfriend was my addiction. Wow… I chose not to get him out of my body and mind and after the break up, it was like detox. I had two full days of symptoms which were horrific, followed by months of getting rid of all the garbage that had culminated. Heck, I’m still going through the last bits of it. The funny thing was, when we were together, all I could do was complain about how he didn’t call me a lot and I was never certain about his feelings and I wish, I wish, I WISH! How horrible it must be to pick up on the energy of another person wishing we were different. He never sent out that vibe but he did tell me on a few occasions how he wished I was different. It hurt, but I still stayed. It IS possible to love someone that isn’t in your highest good. Our responsibility as growing and evolving adults is to make the best choices so that the universe realizes we are looking for something better…even if that something better is being alone. I have been alone for a solid *pauses to count on fingers* 10 months. It’s been wonderful.
My break-up was such a freeing experience. I figured out who I was, rediscovered what I loved. I actually stopped drinking so much alcohol, starting eating healthier and even though I have never been overweight, I shed a few pounds and started looking amazing again. My skin glowed, my nails grew and I even felt that I was breathing on a whole new level. My research blossomed along with my creativity. Even my natural psychic abilities amplified. It wasn’t easy to get to the point where I was truly ready to let go…yet it wasn’t hard either. I made the choice and every time he slipped in, I reminded myself that I had the power and that although I loved him and didn’t wish him any harm, he was not for me. We still periodically keep in touch and it feels good to realize that I am who I am and that who I am has nothing to do with him, his potential or the fantasy I created for our future. Letting go of those dreams was tough, but my dreams are bigger now. The best part is that I am the only star of my dreams.