Domestic violence is one of societies major issues and understandably so. Violence against anybody is indeed criminal and should never be tolerated, hidden or covered up. I however, am going to talk about the flip side of the coin. The male victim of domestic violence. Sadly this crime often goes unreported, due to a variety of reasons. Unfortuately, it's been a widely held assumption that women are always the victim. That "evil man" is the perpetrator.

According to the National Center For Victims of Crime, as many as 43% of the males reported being the victim of violence, by a dating partner at least once. About.com, Men's Health says,

"Every year in the U.S., about 3.2 million men are victims of assault by an intimate partner. Most assaults are of a relatively minor nature such as pushing, shoving, slapping, or hitting, though many are more serious - some end in homicide."

 Those are just the reported numbers. ~*Read the full article click here*~. In February 2003, the Bureau of Justice Statistics published this very telling Crime Data brief, ~*Click Here*~.

Years ago, I was an Adminstrative Assistant in the law field, I heard so many stories from men about the crazy things their wives or girlfriends were violently doing to them. I can honestly say, at least 99.9% of these stories were true. Seeing the bruises, witness testimony, even the intimate partner's admission of the assault. Like a badge of honor, some of these admissions from the ladies came complete with a gloating smile.

Steve's Story

I've known my friend Steve now for 30 plus years. An amazing individual, his skill in architecture and carpentry is very reminiscent of Frank Lloyd Wright and most definitely of the same caliber. The ideas that flow from him are "gifts" from many planes of existance. It wouldn't surprize me if he was channeling Mr. Wright himself. His work is that good. Every time I walk into his house my jaw drops as I view the changes he has made over the years.

Now I've seen this home gutted on many occasions, only to come back a year or two later and view a place that should be gracing the pages of Sunset or Modern Home magazine, if not the cover. This man is unbelievably, brilliantly talanted. Not to mention that even now, in his mid-fifties, he is still "drop dead" handsome, but the same sweet humble man, I've always known him to be. I love him like a brother and know him almost as well.
 
Several years ago, he was involved with a woman who had some major drug and mental issues. The years he was involved with her, I did not see as much of him as I would have liked to, but did run into him occasionally. I ran into both of them together once and she happily announced that she was pregnant. I was very happy about the baby part, just not so happy about the mom part. There was always something about her, that I just knew, was off. Steve of course, did not need another person saying "Dude; what the hell are you doing...." blah blah blah. I am sure he had enough of that going on with all his male buddies. I just kept my opinions to myself.
 
One afternoon while he was visiting me, he started to tell me about some legal problems he was facing. This woman had accused him of domestic violence. Now the clairvoyant side of me, never in all the years that I had known him, gave me one red flag that this man had a violent nature. My barometer for B.S. is really quite good and not once did I ever catch a glimpse of anything that would be cause for concern. So I psychically scanned him anyway. I took a step back and out of myself and went in deep I really wanted to be objective. Upon completion of this psychic scan, I looked him directly in the eye and said, "That's bull-shit, YOU ARE NOT a violent man"
 
He then went on to tell me that when he arrived home, she was "this crazy woman", she flew at him in a rage, most likely drug induced, and proceeded to slug him over and over again while she clung to his back. She hit his face, neck, and arms. She scratched and hit his back several times and when law enforcement arrived he was the one that was bruised and battered. When he told the police that he was just trying to get her off of him, he was taken to jail and served with a temporary restraining order. This was only one incident as there were several more.
 
Steve continued to try to work it out because of his infant daughter to no avail. The incidents continued to occur and eventually he was served with a permanent order for protection. He was restricted from not only his daughter, but the home he had so lovingly refurbished many times. The toll on my friend was indeed a heavy one. Legally having to defend yourself against "false" abuse charges is both time consuming and costly. Not only did he have to continue to pay the mortgage for some place he wasn't even allowed to live any longer, he had additional rent to cover as well.
 
Steve was and still is very lucky, he received some great legal advice and fought this battle with everything he had. He WON....... he regained his home back, fought all the charges against him and most importantly, he took custody of his beloved daughter and she is a happy healthy teenager today. The abuser is no where to be found as they have not had contact from her in several years. I always knew he was innocent, in fact, I introduced him to one of my best friends 10 years ago and they are still dating today. I never would have set him up with one of my best girls if he really was abusive. Her response to this blog is......"Good, Steve's story needs to be told."
 
Unfortunately the fact remains that women are "far more likely" to call the police even if they are at fault. They know how the police will usually react to domestic violence. 99% of the time, it is the man who is either arrested or at the very least asked to leave his home and sometimes on a permenant basis. The general public needs to become painfully aware that domestic violence is anything but a gender specific crime. It is high time for the human race to get out of this "man bad, woman good" mentality and face reality. Women are not always the victims of domestic violence. Those that are abusing spouses, kids or intimate partners, need to be brought to task. Way to many men, husbands, sons, brothers and friends are suffering in silence. Domestic violence against anybody is a crime whether they be, women, children or men. It's unfortunate however, that most men will have to rely on private counseling services as opposed to community resources for breaking the cycle of violence.

The National Domestic abuse hotline 1-(800)-799-SAFE

The National Child abuse hotline 1-(800)4-A-CHILD  

The following is taken from the Oregon Counseling.org handout, you'll find the link below:

What Are The Characteristics Of Women Who Are Abusive And Violent?

The characteristics of men or women who are abusive fall into three categories.

Alcohol Abuse.  Alcohol abuse is a major cause and trigger in domestic violence. People who are intoxicated have less impulse control, are easily frustrated, have greater misunderstandings and are generally prone to resort to violence as a solution to problems. Women who abuse men are frequently alcoholics.

Psychological Disorders.   There are certain psychological problems, primarily personality disorders, in which women are characteristically abusive and violent toward men. Borderline personality disorder is a diagnosis that is found almost exclusively with women. Approximately 1 to 2 percent of all women have a Borderline Personality disorder. At least 50% of all domestic abuse and violence against men is associated with woman who have a Borderline Personality disorder. The disorder is also associated with suicidal behavior, severe mood swings, lying, sexual problems and alcohol abuse.

 Unrealistic expectations, assumptions and conclusions.  Women who are abusive toward men usually have unrealistic expectations and make unrealistic demands of men. These women will typically experience repeated episodes of depression, anxiety, frustration and irritability which they attribute to a man's behavior. In fact, their mental and emotional state is the result of their own insecurities, emotional problems, trauma during childhood or even withdrawal from alcohol. They blame men rather than admit their problems, take responsibility for how they live their lives or do something about how they make themselves miserable. They refuse to enter treatment and may even insist the man needs treatment. Instead of helping themselves, they blame a man for how they feel and believe that a man should do something to make them feel better. They will often medicate their emotions with alcohol. When men can't make them feel better, these women become frustrated and assume that men are doing this on purpose.

Please follow the links below for more information:

~*Oregon Counseling*~

~*Fathers for Life*~

~*Battered Men.com*~

~*PreciousJulliett's blog titled "Abusers"*~

Peace out friends,
Margaret