Many of my clients are frightened that if they are honest with their partner, that the partner will end the relationship or go away.

Nonsense!

One can rely feelings and thoughts if they convey it in the right way. Many people are not accustomed to doing this. Here are some ways to get your point across to people without ending up with a defensive argument. If the receiver of this information is abusive, they may not receive it well no matter how you put it, so decide what kind of a situation you are in prior to sharing.

  • "This is how I see it........"
  • "This behavior makes me believe.......".
  • What is your goal of telling them what you think? Make sure you have a goal.
  • Go into this conversation to get clarity about the situation.
  • REMOVE EMOTION. This might be difficult to do, but treat is as a breach of interpersonal boundaries.
    Maybe he or she doesn't even recognize what effect their behavior has on you.
  • Check yourself to see if you are making assumption based on emotions.
  • Do not make assumptions such as, "I known why you are doing this." OR "You think that......"
  • Do not put your thought processes into the person. Do not assume that they are doing something because you haven't any idea where they are coming from.
  • Keep focused on the goal of the conversation. Is you goal to tell them that you feel left out and you don't know why they aren't including you in something? Keep focused on that, why they are doing this and if it's going to change. Try to keep the receiver focused on that goal as well.
  • Make sure that you have all of the information prior to making any statements.
  • Tell them that you are attempting to create a healthy relationship and that communicate more effectively.
  • Determine after the conversation if they understand your point of view. Wait to see if they are going to try to change their behavior. If they have become argumentative or nasty then maybe your aren't going to achieve a healthy relationship with this particular individual.
  • Understand you cannot make anyone change. You can point out that their behaviors make you uncomfortable and they might change their behaviors. If they continue to be hurtful or disrespectful, then you might be barking up the wrong tree.

Hazards of not being honest:

  • Always second guessing why someone is doing something and you are probably wrong.
  • Constant recurrence of a uncomfortable situation.
  • Harboring resentment.
  • Making too many calls to Keen about their intentions.
  • Opening yourself up to abuse or being used.