My clients frequently ask about love. Obtaining "love" seems to be allusive to some of us or most of us. Is really all around and when one can see it in many things, it stops being so mysterious. If it's defined, it's no longer an enigma.

Love is a noun and a verb.

Noun: "Children need a lot of love." "His love for golf keep his weekends busy."

Verb: "She loves cooking." "He loves his children deeply."

Love is a physiological and psychological feeling.

Physiological: "She felt butterflies in her stomach every time he entered the room."  "She made his heart race every time he looked into her eyes."

Psychological: "He could only think about her all day long."

Types of love:

Unconditional-what people feel towards relatives, children, parents, etc.

Conditional-when a person falls out of favor with another the feelings of love end.

Compassionate-love expressed without attachment.

Passionate-feelings of attachment with physiological effects.

See, no longer an enigma, right?

What makes men and women fall in love? What makes them stay in love? Are there differences? No, not really. Here are some talking points:

  • People fall in love because of the way that they feel about themselves when they are with that person.
  • People fall in love because emotional needs are getting met. Mostly, women feel protected and cared for by a man. Men feel like they are protecting and caring for a woman. Trust is important on both sides. There must be mutual attraction and interests in each other's happiness and feelings.
  • Affection is necessary. This is a feeling of physical closeness (not including sexual activities with each other). This is holding hands, hugging, picking balls of fluff off each other's clothing.
  • Sexual intimacy is paramount in romantic love.  When this leave a marriage or relationship, the relationship starts falling apart or it takes on a different type of love, such as friendship.
  • Love is mutual and is reciprocated.
  • There must be similar values on some level. "Hard work and dedication", "Everyone should go to university," "Going to religious services regularly," etc.
  • A friendship must be formed. Many of my clients get all worked up when I tell them that the other has feelings of friendship towards them. This should not be an issue. This is a type of attachment that is paramount, partially to men. If you can form a friendship and get on well this way, it creates an attachment and mutual respect. In many of my blogs I have told women not to treat a man or speak to a man as if he is your girl friend. I still mean to say this is true. Women process verbal communication differently than men. Basically, there has to be a reason why you are telling a man something. It's a rare man that could give a fig about your new dress. Remember if you tell a man a problem, he is likely to try to solve it. If he can't, he is emasculated. If you tell a woman a problem, she most likely will be a listening ear and an emotional support system over the situation.
  • Love has a desire of commitment. This is the desire to maintain love and the feelings it produces.
  • Love also has a spirit of service. It's wanting to help the other out. Does he help you do the washing up after dinner? Does she hold the leave bag when you are doing work in the garden?

Also, let's examine a psychologist view point of love. Steinberg's triangular love theory has three "parts" which create a full circle of love and bond. They are intimacy (closeness in terms of ideals, pursuits, like-mindedness), passion (physical and emotional drive for another) and commitment (desirous of maintaining the feelings and attachments). Without all three, the relationship falls into different categories:

  • Liking or friendship-which can include like pursuits and physical intimacy.
  • Infatuation-Some times one sided, has no physical or psychological intimacy.
  • Empty love-Commitment without passion or intimacy. Staying married for the kids is a great example of this.
  • Romantic love is a combination of both passion and intimacy, but can be void of commitment.
  • Companionate love-this is a commitment to the relationship, there might be some intimacy, but no passion. This is true for people who are married and stayed married for the their companionship and commitment.
  • Fatuous Love-commitment and passion, but no like minded pursuits or emotional intimacy.
  • Consummate love-the only love that contains all three components. The ideal love that Steinberg states, "everyone wants but few achieve." He also warns that it's just as hard to maintain it as it is to achieve it. 

Now that you have those three elements that are important, start looking! I don't believe Steinberg. I believe we all can achieve this since we know what to look for now.