Friday, October 03, 2014 6:57 PM
The "PRETEND" Relationship. Are you in one?
So many times I've said to others how you will never know whom you're truly dating for, at least, 6 months. That is when you will get real glimpses of who they are. The core of the human being you're dating. We hide so much from others. We think that if we aren't a certain way, or we express what we truly think and feel, we will be judged. It's our perception of what others will think of us, it's not reality. We can't begin to assume we know what others with think of who we authentically are until we expose it. To assume will cause havoc in your mind. You will be filled with fear to expose yourself, be vulnerable, to trust, and to move forward. It creates a facade, or a mask. And EVERYONE does this. The one thing I'd like you take away from this blog is that we judge ourselves for who we TRULY are, it's not coming from outside, it's coming from inside, because we haven't really shown everyone, all the time, who we TRULY are.
How many times have you been involved in a relationship where you suppressed your voice? Or, you did not respond as you truly wanted to? How many moments passed where you didn't take action due to fear you will lose this person? How often do you allow bad behavior, ignorant actions, or foul words to slip by because speaking up, or taking action may result in the end of a relationship? You need not answer these out loud, but I do urge you to answer them, HONESTLY to yourself. When and if you have ever done these things you are LYING. You are not just lying to the other person about your authenticity, but most importantly, you're telling a horrible lie to yourself.
I cannot tell you how often I hear the anger in someone's voice when, after spending months, or even years with someone, they finally see whom the other person really is. They are so incredibly angry that this person was not honest about their character. Or they were duped. The person is actually enraged. Not only are they angry with the other person, but mostly, angry with themselves and the horrible self talk starts, "How could I be so stupid?", "Why didn't I see this?", "I must've been blind!". Well, I'm here to tell you why you didn't see it....why you were blind. Because, I bet if you review back, in hindsight, you will find you were not being genuine either. When this person stepped on your feelings, you probably said very little, or you didn't take the TRUE action you wanted to take. Not only was the other person PRETENDING, but so were you!
If you never remember anything else in this blog, try to remember this...."TWO PRETEND PEOPLE CANNOT HAVE A REAL RELATIONSHIP". You cannot mourn the end of a pretend relationship, for you were not loving the person they truly were, and they were not privvy to your true self either. You were both fake and fictitious. You created a character that was more palatable to that person's pretend self and now both of you are simply actors in a dramatic, or comedic, play.
The way to find out if you're being authentic is to look at your situation. Ask yourself these questions:
1. Am I happy? Genuinely happy?
2. Am I free? Am I able to express what I feel openly and be completely exposed?
3. Do I fear being who I am, saying what I think, doing what I want because I worry I'll lose this person if I do?
4. Have I molded and shaped myself, and my interests and my words to keep peace in this relationship?
5. Do I trust this person with my true self?
6. Do I fear they will judge me?
7. Do I make myself smaller so they appear larger so THEY are happier?
8. Have I hid or stopped activities I enjoy or love because they may not approve?
9. Am I seeing character traits in this person that have raised a red flag, but I've dismissed them?
10. How badly does this person have to treat me before I leave?
The last one is a doozy, eh? But think about it. Do you know why you tolerate poor behavior? Guilt. You feel guilty because you've suppressed what you have really wanted to say, do, or act to coast through a pretend relationship. So when you're treated poorly your spirit knows it's not YOU they are treating poorly, it's your PRETEND SELF. But because you've played this part for so long you accommodate a lot of piss poor treatment rather than expose yourself. It's not too late. It's never too late to be authentic. It's never too late to say, "Okay, enough...no more!" And it's true when they say, "The truth will set you free". There's no shame in speaking up, and when they point out how this never bothered you before, you expressing your truth and saying, "yeah, well, yes it did, I just didn't say anything because I was afraid to, but ya know what? I'm not anymore!" This applies not just to lovers, but to friends, family, even your children. We hide something about ourselves from everyone because sometimes it's just easier than expressing the truth. I understand why it's done, I'm guilty of it myself...but no more!
My philosophy is this, and it's my new mantra....I'd rather be authentic, warts and all, than play a pretend part so I'm liked, loved, accepted, appreciated or validated. I can give all those feelings to myself. I need not get it from anyone on the outside if I have to pretend to be something I'm not to get that. If being me destroys my relationship with you, then so be it. For I'd rather have a REAL relationship rather than a fake one. I'd rather surround myself with authentic people instead of phoney people.
There are three basic things we need in a relationship with anyone for it to evolve, and move forward and stay course:
Without those three things, you will walk a line of confusion in that relationship. You will always question someone's word. You will always feel insecure about where you stand. You will always wonder if what they offer is going to last. It causes too much uncomfortable feelings, and that's not going to help a relationship.
Secrets can and will destroy any relationship or friendship. Without fail. The truth always comes out. It may not be today, it may not be tomorrow, but in time, it will eventually seep through and destroy the house you've built and rip off your mask exposing what a fraud you've been. It's happened to many of you. When the mask was ripped off of someone you dated and they've been exposed, it's always like a mac truck hitting you. So why risk that happening to you? What is the point? Why put yourself through all of that. Be yourself. Be authentic. If they walk away, they would walk away eventually once your true self is exposed. And, trust me, they will be angry when it happens.
Take a look at your best friend. He/She knows all your secrets. They know what you really think. You get on the phone with this person and you complain, "I'm so mad at him right now. He hasn't called in a week, and I know he hasn't been at work....I know he's with another girl".....then the phone rings and it's him and you act as though all is well. Your best friend listens to this. She knows you're neurotic, paranoid, insecure, full of fear, and she loves you anyway. You always talk about her saying, "Thank God for this friend...she loves me no matter what!". Now, wouldn't it be awesome if you could say that about your boyfriend, husband, girlfriend, wife, mother, brother, sister...? Think of how wonderful it would be to just be your crazy self in front of the person you love the most? OMG....it's heaven.
Starting today try to be as authentic as you can be. Stop pretending. If you've been pretending just to keep peace, or out of fear you may lose someone, you can turn it around by being authentic now, take responsibility for the fibs you've told about yourself. Forgive yourself for not being genuine. Admit to yourself you haven't been true to yourself or others, and just shift it now. Once you do you will find you may lose some people, but you didn't have a real relationship with them anyway because the pretend them liked the pretend you....it was a lie anyway. But what you will also find is you are now drawing into your circle authentic people and in the end it will save you a great amount of energy, time, confusion and heartache!