BABY GET YOUR GROOVE BACK :-)
“Damn this screwed up rejection by someone I thought I knew.” Sasha rolled on to her right side and kicked the sheet off. These early morning anxiety episodes were beginning to wear her down.
“All that wasted time! And on someone who ended up betraying me!”
Back to her left side again, she pulled the sheet back up to her shoulders and curled up in a tight self hug.
“When he calls I’m going to tell him to leave me alone. He’s an **S H**le!”
This sudden burst of rage pushed her finally to get out of bed, though it was way earlier than she usually awoke.
She huffed downstairs to the kitchen. Daybreak had begun and there was enough light through the window to find her way around without turning on the bright light.
“This is maddening!” She screamed inwardly.
“I can’t function like this? I hate him! He’s a loser!”
Sitting now on the couch in the den, she crossed her arms and her mind circled back to thoughts of Jim again.
“He better not come around here, I’ll scream at him I’m so pissed. In fact I feel like calling him right now, to tell him what a jerk he is!”
It was all she could do to keep herself from picking up that phone and saying something on his answering machine she’d regret.
She knew he was now beyond answering her calls.
She’d pretty much screwed up his desire to speak to her by ‘calling him to death’.
“You’ll regret this!” She sighed and turned away from the phone, but then found herself looking at the computer & longing to send off an angry note.
“No! Somebody stop me, Oh, Hell no!” She stormed back upstairs and clicked on the TV for distraction.
Really it seemed the only thing which seemed to soothe the ugly anger about him was when she called a psychic. For some reason, the explanations and reassurances helped her feel okay for a while. It was temporary, but it worked.
The problem was that she was maxed on her credit cards because of psychic phone calls. She tried not to pay attention, but last month she forced herself to add up the cost of psychic calls on her credit bills and found it was over $ 2000.00 dollars!
This was just last month alone!
All these predictions of dates and reunions that never happened, yet she continued to call and call and call. Each time feeling better for a short time, then falling into the anxiety trap and calling again.
Her problem, she decided, was in not knowing what to do with her self ‘in the meantime’, while waiting for JERK to come back so she could tell him to get over himself and get lost!
“Revenge and peace of mind, that’s not asking for much.” She reasoned.
The seemingly endless cycle of pain and hope, pain and loss, pain and sleepless nights, pain and debt from psychic phone calls . . . it was wearing her down.
She was irrational, socially paralyzed and obsessed. She knew it.
On top of that, she was totally maxed out on all her credit cards and had used every free minute gifted her on psychic readings. She was on her own today.
Now where were those papers with scribbled notes of psychic readings? She suddenly wanted to pour over each one to see again, the dates and times and predictions.
Under the left corner of her bedside table a generous pile of lined notepaper lay shoved against the wall.
She picked up the top sheet & began reading one dated, April 10th from Psychic Jolly Blue Bonnet Hose Horn, and went through about 15 pages, front and back, until she hit on one that made her do a double take.
Ms Stormy Milkshake Up & Away had given her a different sort of reading. She remembered feeling aggravated that this reading was ‘wasting her time’ with ‘non predictions’. But somehow in the early dawn, feeling fragile and out of control, the notes of the reading began to make a bit of sense.
She read, “The light you send to others will come back to you multiplied.”
Hmmm, she didn’t feel like sending him light but the spiritual truth made sense. She continued:
“What you accept as true will create your reality”
Whatever! I KNOW this. But she continued to read:
“When you manifest your desire, let it go and be patient so that it can materialize. Remember the watched pot never boils . . .”
But what I want is for him to come BACK and for him to REGRET that he did this to me!
“Honor your soul connections, no matter what takes place in the physical form of your relationships”
Stormy had coached her to move into a meditative space and tell Jim’s soul that she loved him and she was grateful for the lessons he offered her on Earth this time around.
She remembered how resistant she felt to this encouragement. After the loving connection she was to release him to his own free will and acknowledge to herself that she had no control over his soul.
She didn’t want to give him a free ticket to a happy life. Forgiveness was out of the question!
Yet, Stormy had told her “Nothing ever leaves you unless something better is coming. Forgive yourself and love yourself, forgive him and love him; then LET HIM GO.”
There were final words on the paper about something called ‘ego’, the part of her stubborn personality who wanted to live on, angry at Jim for his betrayal and rejection.
The ego was afraid to ‘die’ but this is exactly what it needed to do so that Sasha could find the core of her true self and forgive Jim. Forgiveness, she was told, would set her FREE to be happy again.
She needed to “transcend her struggling ego” and move toward Jim on a soul level, so that she could thank him for the lesson she’d learned about herself and about life, and let him go - with love.
She sat with these words on the lined notebook pages for several minutes. Then she decided to give it all a try.
She was suffering NOW, here and at this moment, she felt she’d do anything to take away this awful heartache! The problem though was, HOW TO DO IT AND MEAN IT?
Since she felt so bitter and resentful, how could she suddenly change her feelings and love Jim? HOW?
She sat in silence again, for several more minutes, gazing at the sharp, bright yellow rays of sun throwing ray fragments through the window blinds & across her bedroom carpet.
“(God)Goddess, please help me do this. I need help releasing Jim so I can finally be free!” She said, and then closed her eyes.
She imagined that she was standing in a beautiful wooded clearing and that Jim was standing there in front of her. She allowed herself to float out of her body and toward him as he floated out of his body, and together they melded into one being.
In that intimate embrace her soul communicated gratefulness to him and that she was going to pull the cords out of herself (the soul cords that bound them both together) to let him go now.
Next she came back to herself with her eyes still closed and began to symbolically and literally (moving her hands to ‘pull cords’) out of her solar plexus and heart and throat areas. She pulled them out by the roots and threw them into the air, back to Jim.
“I LET YOU GO! I FORGIVE YOU! I FORGIVE ME!” She shouted.
A cord came back and so she imagined cutting it this time with an axe! She then asked her angels and guides to come and help her do this thing.
Suddenly she felt lighter. She sensed LIGHT with her. It was a peaceful and wonderful feeling of freedom.
She kept repeating, “I let you go. I let you go. Our relationship will transform to the better but I release control on what that form shall be!”
She really FELT this release. It finally was REAL to let go. This was the ticket, she realized. She had to do MORE than simply moving through the motions of detachment; she had to do REAL SOUL WORK.
Finally she imagined moving that all the pain she’d been holding in her solar plexus up to her heart area where LIGHT melted it away for her. The pain was melting away.
She sat on her bed that morning and sent waves of gratitude to God/Goddess, her angels and helping spirits, for the assistance in setting herself free.
She felt clear headed and calm suddenly. She searched her energy, her mind and her heart for the sensation of Jim and he was there, but neutral.
She reaffirmed his release, silently, and turned her attention to herself. Today she was going to take gentle care of herself and start one moment at a time, doing what Sasha needs.
The moments, one at a time, became days one at a time, and about two months later, Sasha was at the local mall looking for a special candle to buy her sister for a birthday present.
Her cell phone rang and she answered without looking.
“Sasha?”
It was Jim’s voice. No contact for months and here he was on her phone at the mall.
She did a quick survey of how she felt. Surprisingly calm.
“Hello Jim. How are you?”
“I’m fine. I was thinking about you so thought I’d call. I thought maybe we could get together tonight.”
She’d promised Betty she’d watch her daughter for a couple hours tonight. She realized that she didn’t even feel like seeing Jim! The days of self love had paid off. Wow! Cool!
“I can’t make it tonight Jim.” Sasha said.
“How about meeting this weekend? Maybe we can go to Skip’s and have their special?” He tried again.
“No thanks. Listen, I really need to get going, I have stuff to do. Bye Jim.”
“Uhm. Well, bye.”
Click.
Sasha turned smelled the vanilla candle again and decided to buy it. Her sister would LOVE it.