Surviving Stormi-boy, (death of beloved pet cat)
Tues, August 22 2006
Our 16 year old cat (Stormi) suddenly slowed eating and drinking about a month ago and since has had some teeth removed but that wasn't the answer. This morning we (my 17 year old heartbroken daughter and son - 11 year birthday tomorrow, and I) took him back to the vet because he just stopped drinking and his last few bites of tuna fish were yesterday morning. My chubby cat, so passionate for food and love- is sooo skinny and he didn't even act like he cared when we put him in the cage at the vet's. He drooped his head down and he's so weak!! I just broke down and cried there in the back room with him- we're all so worried. Later we'll know the results of the blood work and I'm sure she'll give him IV fluids/nutrition.
Wed, August 23 (Galen’s 11th birthday)
The vet called to say that although he was too dehydrated to get a decent vein for blood work tonight (so dehydrated)- she was able to give him IV fluid and he actually held his head up to eat something. The baby food suggestion (meat and spoon feeding) is exactly what she said she's doing, too! She also said that it was both kidney involvement and liver (he has some jaundice) but won't be able to know if it's 'true liver disease' until she can get some blood from him tomorrow. We'll know more when she calls us again.
I can't believe how just saying his name makes me cry! Wow. Anyway, I had 8 little boys over for my son's birthday party tonight and my family felt this amazing cloud of comfort surrounding us-
Thurs, August 24th
Stormy is looking better. The vet has had to force feed him for two days and he threw up a few times. But lately he's holding some food. He's had some hydration- looks a little better and holding his head up. The liver enzymes are elevated and his kidneys are involved; but she thinks there's a chance that these things can be reversed and we can get him back on track. No guarantees but we are full of hope. Tomorrow we'll pick him up from the vet- he's been there since tues. He wants to live and we want him to live . . .
Friday, August 25th
It appears he doesn't have diabetes or a thyroid condition; it's his liver and he's not responding to treatment. The next step would be invasive such as feeding tube and biopsy. He's not feeling well, so weak. Not in pain, but his life force is weak. We suffer to see him suffer and now it's down to deciding whether to work on him longer or let him go. Sometimes the decisions are ones we can’t bring ourselves to make. I keep praying for a sign. Our beautiful brilliant green eyed tiger kitty is maybe asking for us to let him go. Yet none of us can imagine life without him. Our conscious is what has been the hardest thing to clear. We look back and think of all the signs we missed or should have seen, all the force feedings we should have been doing and didn't. Hepatic lipidema which is what rapidly progresses to fatal can be diverted with a feeding tube in a major of cases, yet we didn't catch it fast enough and meanwhile it was getting worse. We pulled teeth thinking it was that and had blood tests a week or more too late! The guilt is harsh, we loved him much but how could we miss something so vital! It's really heartbreaking, I'm reassuring my daughter that we loved him well and that she isn't at fault for not force feeding him more . . . and meanwhile I'm telling myself the same. Everything feels so fast and too soon, yet he suffers and deep down it really does feel that we have a choice of either letting things go naturally or helping it along- both heading in the same direction. I know you say don't give up and I'm one not one to do that . . . yet at this point it takes all we have to let him go which may be what intuition is nudging us to do. How can I ever be sure. Never have I been faced with such a heart wrenching decision! It all feels too soon, unfair, not right . . . but if we sit and meditate on the alternative, he may be moving in that direction despite us all. Because we are sooo close and connected to him, we can't imagine him any other way but alive with us. This experience has dramatically changed us. My son and daughter are very transformed over this because he has been in our family for 16 years. I see a huge difference in how they're processing life and death thoughts. There's a new compassion springing forth that I've never seen before. Stormi has contributed greatly to the upbringing of my children . . . and he's taught them unconditional love. His existence will continue to touch their hearts for years to come!
What we need most right now is the focus on physical healing to alter a bit - to be directed toward Stormi's ascension/transformation, peace of mind. I'm praying for that. We need to know spiritually that letting him go has been the right decision. It's been sleepless and tearful lately . . . mostly incredible bouts of guilt and missing him for family. We allowed the vet to euthanize him after realizing that he was miserable and that only extreme invasive things would allow him more time. We put him in a box and dug a hole in the back yard of my great aunt's home for him. I wouldn't let the box go until I felt that his warmth had mostly left him. This warmth leaving haunts me still. My daughter made a marker stone and we buried him. My son wrote a note on the stone about how now he gets to see his sister (who died 12 years ago and they were close kitties for the first four years of life) and that he will never be forgotten. I woke up crying and almost in panic a few times last night- stormi withdrawal! But if we just knew he is okay now, transformed, happy; I wait for a dream/a sign . . . the angelic sweep of light and love that accompanies peace of mind about this. I'm aware that attachment /grief may have me blocking much spiritual truth out right now. I wanted so much for the outcome to have been this perfect, healthy and happy Stormi in physical. Yet there seemed to be a different path for us with this one.
Love is love is love
Monday, Aug.28
We have decided to adopt two 12 week old kittens, a boy and a girl. Years ago I brought home Stormi and his sister Cloudy (my two year old daughter named them both, that's why . . . ) and it was joyful to watch them grow up together. This time it's Orion and Nicki. Orion is an orange tabby who purrs loudly and plays hard, just like Stormi did; Nicki is delicate and petite, a gray & black tabby- like Cloudy was. These kitties will never replace our emerald eyed loyal friend Stormi Boy- but they are a sweet distraction. Between our tears we find ourselves laughing again. We're 'processing', hugging on our golden retriever (Amber) and trying not to get mad at our black and white (four year old female kitty) Domino, for bringing home this sudden mass of tiny animal offerings; two young birds and a mouse. She wants to be sure we still love her, she wonders what happened to Stormi, too . . . and isn't too thrilled with our new kitties.
My daughter Kati who wants to be a vet one day, has found herself driving twice in 24 hours; to the small animal clinic with these injured birds. One of them she dropped off in the middle of the night! She's emotionally exhausted from all this animal empathy lately. I notice I'm able to talk about Stormi, to say his name now without bursting in to tears every time. I actually could tell people at work this week end that I lost him, without turning into mush. Though they asked me why my eyes were all puffy, was I alright? "Besides feeling like I'm in the twilight zone lately, I'm fine, thanks."
We let Stormi go with dignity. He deserved that. He deserved the best of the best. “Sometimes the treatment is worse than the disease” Words written by email to us from Aunt Ellen. We are all finding peace in our own way. My 11 year old son Galen Sage believes Stormi is with Cloudy now, and has decided that he's happy and in a good place. Because of this, Galen is at peace with this in his own heart and has easily embraced the thought of having kittens to play with. He said to me twice today, "A little bit of Stormi's soul lives in these kittens Mom"
My daughter is more suspicious and scientific. She's taken it all a bit harder and is struggling with that 'letting him go' aspect of his death. Yet I don't see her shying away from animals, from being a vet one day, or from loving these two kitties- even though she nearly went insane w/grief losing Stormi last week. She was the one who suddenly decided we needed kittens NOW, as we drove away from Stormi's new grave. She was in agony, missing Stormi at the time, but I understood the energy of her desire. There were 'free kittens' at a farm house that we passed as she announced this, quite a sign at the time. She said, "I want an orange cat to name Orion' not one that looks like Stomi, because that's too sad'
Yet as we pulled up to the farm house, here were all these bright eyed gray and black tabby kittens, little Stormi look alikes, sitting in the driveway and peeking at us from around the bushes. I noticed my kids didn't blink at this- and we picked out one the farm kids had named 'baby', a serene flea covered female 'lap kitten'.
Next we had to stop at the Pet Smart to buy kitten food and toys. Imagine our surprise when we saw the Humane Society had set up an adoption booth and there was another 12 week old kitty who had recently lost his playmate brother . . . he was an orange tabby. "Mom, there's Orion!". Hmmm. So we arrive home and I'm thinking, my God am I insane?!!! I have two kittens in this car, it feels 'off', sacreligious, overwhelming!
I say to my husband, "uhmm, we now have two new kittens and they are set up in Kati's room" He looks and me, "Two kittens?" I'm like, "I know, it does seem a bit much . . . but which one don't we want? They both seem sort of . . . just right-"I think of it like this- some people plant a tree to remember a soul who has passed. We adopted a couple new kitties, a boy and a girl, who will grow up together like little yin/yangs, just as Stormi Boy and Cloudy did years ago. We will celebrate Stormi's life by loving these kittens . . . we will remember him by marveling at this incredible 'circle of life' ! It's been such a huge time, a powerfully emotional time for us. I cry as I write this!
If I could . . . have Stormi back, I'd stroke him more often, I'd not take his loyal friendship for granted . . . ever . . . not one single day, I'd feed him his favorite tuna fish all the time, smell his soft fur and hug him tight. I'd look deep in his eyes and connect with his unconditional love -I'd look for this every time I locked eyes with him. I'd pause and listen to what he's telling me, without a sound he always spoke to me- through the love in his eyes;
This time I'd pause for a while and really listen.
*****Love your babies now. Live each moment with them fully- so when that un thinkable day comes . . . and you must let them go, you'll have no regrets ******
Fawn