Wonderland

Hi, my name is Cristin and I’m a recovering “Holiday Saboholic“. (all together now, HI CRISTIN!) For those who don’t know, a “Holiday Saboholic” is someone who sabotages their life around the holiday season.

For many years the holidays have been a source of torment for my mom, sister and I. That sounds pretty bad, but it’s the closest word I could find to describe the emotional mess my father created. 15 years ago he left us for another woman on Christmas Day and designed a permanent scar on the three of us, whether we choose to see it or not. Throughout the years my father and his woman have made it very clear to us that it's their way or we can "F" right off.  Nice, eh?

Right after he left my sister said, “But, Mommy…it’s Christmas!“ My mother took the hardest hit and re-lives that moment every year, which is why she no longer celebrates on Christmas Day. Laura has been stuck in the middle between my feuding parents since the divorce and now that she’s married with a family of her own, it’s gotten worse. I, on the other hand, chose to detach as much as I could for self-preservation purposes. It’s kept the drama out of my life, but what I didn’t realize is that I created a huge wall that blocked that necessary connection to family, in general.

Now that I think about it, every relationship I’ve attracted since the divorce was with men who were family guys. Most of them came from families in which their parents were married and celebrated the holidays in a big way. That always made me feel extremely uncomfortable and out of sync with everyone. So what did I do? I found a way to sabotage the relationship, hoping to find someone who had a similar lifestyle to my own. I did this because I thought that nobody would truly love me for who I was or understand how my mind worked. Also, I was afraid to enjoy the holidays with someone’s family because I knew that my mother was miserable.

Now I see how I set myself up for failure in my relationships. It was as if I had a “dump them” time bomb ticking away, deep inside my soul and I always followed through. I believed that I didn’t want to get married because forever doesn’t exist. I told myself that I wouldn’t be a family person unless I created one of my own. I later decided that I didn’t want children of my own out of fear that I would lose my independence and freedom. Being involved with my boyfriend’s children was easy because I’m not their mother, am not responsible for their upbringing and for how they turn out. I was just the friendly female on the side they could spend time with and have something else to look forward to when they’re with their father.

I was SO wrong about SO much. The strange thing about this major epiphany is this: When I finally opened up to the possibility that I could be happy by allowing people in and experiencing a different lifestyle, I ended up getting everything I‘ve been needing and really wanting for many years. I’m in a relationship with a fantastic man who loves me for who I am and understands how my mind works. Due to the fact that my step-mother is a nosey turbo-bitch-on-wheels, I’ve made sure that I have a solid relationship with Dave’s girls and they have plenty of alone time with their daddy.  I also have a child of my own and can‘t imagine my life without him. I get plenty of freedom and my independence is still very much in tact.

Now that I’ve reached a huge milestone in my recovery, I have a completely different perspective of what I need, want and what I can accomplish if I just keep my head out of my ass.  I used to avoid decorating my home for Christmas and now I'm able to do it with pure joy!  This year I decided to deck my halls a bit early.  It totally changed the mood in my home!

In closing, I’d like to extend some advice to all you divorced parents fighting over time with your children during the holidays. My parents always had knock-down, drag-out arguments over stupid stuff like this. If neither parent stands up and makes a decision based on their children's needs, all they will hear is...

Children don’t care about their parents’ issues. What about what’s best for them? How hard is it to come up with a compromise so that everyone is happy without clawing each other‘s eyes out? What makes you think your kids want what you do? PLEASE! I implore you to take some time away from being self-absorbed to figure that out. Your children shouldn’t have to suffer like I have. All it takes is a jacked up childhood to sabotage many years of their adult lives.

Thank you.