The other day I was thinking about my life and the people I left behind in Michigan almost a year and a half ago. I know I made the right choice for myself, but that doesn’t stop me from missing those I love most. My grandfather is preparing to kick the bucket, my God-daughter has going through hell, an old friend of mine is in jail, my mother is full of doom ‘n gloom, my niece probably won’t recognize me when I go back for the holidays and I’m feeling a bit lost without my sister and friends. I feel like I’m needed there now and due to my responsibilities here in Ohio, I can’t just appear with the flick of a wand. If only I could be in two places at once.
Knowing that I’ll be going back there soon helps ease my mind a bit. I just hope that my grandfather hangs in there until I can see him. The holidays have never been a great time for my family, especially for my mother. My father left us on Christmas Day, my grandmother passed right before in 2001 and my mother’s doggy died the year after. The last thing she needs is another death in the family during the holiday season, but I have this sense of urgency so I’m guessing the Universe will be delivering more of the same.
While I was in the mood, I compiled a list of people I owe visits to and wow, that thing is much bigger than I thought. When I lived there my life seemed dull and completely uninspiring. I rarely saw my mother because I can only take her in small doses and there was a bit of distance with my friends due to our schedules, drama and major life events.
Now that I live about 300 miles away, I’m much closer to them than ever, with the exception of a couple of folks I had to extract from my life. Strange, isn’t it? It’s kind of like the song, “Don’t know what you got ‘til it’s gone.” I’ve noticed that people tend to take their friends and family for granted, myself included, not realizing the true depth of the connections they have. When we see people too much, we need a break and when it’s not enough, we feel the void in a big way. Unless something like a move or catastrophic event occurs, it’s easy to let life get in the way, putting a strain on communications.
I had a conversation with a friend yesterday about how scent can trigger the memory, specifically about the Fall and its emotional effects. We ended up comparing notes about how we felt a year ago at this time vs. the place we’re in now. I must say that last November wasn’t great for me. I was still adjusting to the move, trying to meet new people and reconciling the fact that some people I considered to be close friends were nothing but traitors. It’s a lot to take in while building a new foundation in a location where I didn‘t have a strong support system.
My how things have changed! My personal life is very different from what I ever imagined it would be. I’m doing things I never wanted to do, but found that it actually works for me as long as I can maintain a huge part of my truth in the process. That was a struggle though, let me tell ya. For a period of time there wasn’t enough Cristin to go around. That sounds really bad, but I think you know what I mean, lol. I didn’t have enough energy to distribute amongst those who were requesting it or have any left over for myself.
So now I’m thinking that I can have the best of both worlds since I’ve been able to introduce some of my hometown friends to the ones here. See, now I’m quoting a Hannah Montana song, lol. That’s what happens when you date a guy with young daughters! Anyway, this holiday season is going to be very different from the last. I’m looking forward to spending Thanksgiving and Christmas in comfortable atmospheres without the drama. I haven’t had that in a very long time.
xoxo,
Cristin