I'm thinking about a common situation a lot of people encounter in relationships, especially as it's an obstacle that stops a lot of people from moving forward in the early days of the dating process. People who've been through painful relationships, and how it sabotages their happiness in the future when they can't let go their pain from the past.
Going back a few weeks...Let me tell you how most of my days begin. The morning sun coming in the portlight of my little sailboat brightened the cabin and woke me up. I leaned out of the bunk and found the mug of cold green tea from last night, and drank it as I started my morning mug of coffee perking. I sat in zazen on the floor of the cabin and did my morning meditation, visualizing and balancing my chakras. Then a short workout to wake up the blood, poured my mug of coffee and went for a walk down the dock to chat and socialize with the marina residents until the coffee was gone, then back to the boat to see if anyone at Keen was looking for me this morning.
I start my mornings in a similar way each day because it's very important my head be in a good place. If you ask any person who is sensitive empathically, especially if they give readings on a regular basis, keeping your mind and emotions clear is the first thing you think about because you're always feeling aftereffects, "emotional hangovers" from connecting to people in pain. When I read for someone who's in love, I'm in love. When I read for someone who's angry, I'm angry. Once I accompanied a friend to a funeral for a total stranger, and she couldn't understand why I was crying uncontrollably for someone I didn't know...it wasn't me. I sympathized for the people who experienced a loss, and it was my loss. I became them. It confused and even offended a few people, but that's part of the empathic walk.
Emotions are more than feelings. They literally are energy in a scientific sense. Our nervous system conducts electricity and is surrounded by a measurable electromagnetic field that fluctuates with thoughts and feeling. It is proven that many animals are sensitive to electromagnetic fields, and humans are one of these. But in the superscientific studies of the psychic world, where we have less proof, we find people who make connections farther away in distance and time where any effect from an electromagnetic field would dwindle away to nothing. But, just as a person's electromagnetic field can fluctuate with and be a reflection of a person's thoughts and emotions, we who believe we have empathic sensitivities believe there is a far-reaching field of something like an energy, a field, or an aura, that can encounter people and situations far away in space or time. Sometimes it sees dimly, sometimes it sees incorrectly, sometimes it's blocked and can't see at all. But it sees and percieves well enough and accurately enough that many believe it is a survival sense we should all pay attention to, whether you are a reader or a person on the street getting a hunch a situation is right or wrong, whether people are truthful or not, whether a friend is all right or walking where angels would fear to tread.
Going back to that day. Later in the afternoon I took a call from a brand new caller, and from the first moment of the call I knew I was talking to a very angry person. She was very polite and friendly in every way. To everyone but an empath she would seem the happiest person in the office or the neighborhood, but to an empath, she had been deeply wounded by her past relationship, even though it was many years ago, and the wound in her heart had festered with an anger that never diminished with the years.
These people (and there are many like her) are very painful to read. Because when I read her, I am her. I know how he changed. I know how all the power was in his hands. I know how he became the most sensitive, trustworthy person she'd ever met, so she pushed all advice from her family and friends aside and put her heart right in his hands. And he ripped it apart. Became this person who almost took joy in being a stranger to her, even laughing at her when she told him how much pain he caused. How she felt her eyes were somehow opened, and now she saw a world much more cruel, and many more men just like the callous rutting animal that destroyed her life.
She tells me she's healed, that she's put it all behind her. But that isn't the truth. She was an emotional wreck for a long time, and embarassed because everyone who warned her against that man could see how much she had been damaged. No matter how sympathetic they seemed, in every kind face she could imagine some sneer of the lips saying "I told you so". And she decided, forced herself to get on her feet and rebuild. And she did rebuild, and she rebuilt everything that the world could see, but when she was alone, secret hurt became anger...anger became hate...and hate applied to a face that became more foggy and hard to remember with time, began to apply to a vaguely man-like shape that could be anybody, and in some small ways in every man she met, that fog became whatever man was close to her. To the whole world, and her family, friends and co workers, they all had their old daughter, friend or office manager back...she looked gorgeous, she always had a happy face, her career success was amazing, she went out of her way to be helpful and volunteer time to friends in need and was generally, beloved. But when a man came closer to her, when a man crossed the boundary line through personal space into intimate space, those men encountered a very different person than everyone else in her world believed her to be.
She asks me about the man who's now growing distant from her, and everything from her says she's used to this pattern and expects it. Everyone's wonderful at first, but everyone disappears. Everyone promises to be there and folds when you lean on them. All men are the same. But, because she's asked me about this man, the empathic "road" that connects me to her, also extends to him through her personal contact. She asks about him, and so I am him. She's a beautiful woman...very attractive physically. She's successful and her every actions are those of an independent, together woman...and that completes the circle of attraction that closes him in. He has to meet her...he's been through relationships where he was hurt as well, and beyond a pretty face and form he's looking for someone who has life figured out, and she looks like she really does have everything figured out. He's even a little intimidated by her...after all, he's not perfect, he's going to have to "up his game" because he's never been with a woman who seems such a total class act. By some miracle, she actually says yes when he invites her to coffee. Then they go to an art festival together. He's so surprised...and happy. He tells her the story of his life, emotionally he holds back nothing.
But as they both cross this level of intimacy, he encounters a new person who seems pessimistic towards the world, and sarcastic towards him. He remarks on it once, she says something about boys who meet strong women, and he doesn't remark on it again. Her bouts of sudden anger, at what seems to be small inconsequential things. He is totally confused how one night everything seemed perfect, and in the morning, resentment. Everyone is psychic, although many people don't pay attention to it. But right now his sixth sense is showing her spiritual face, an image screaming at him..."how dare you make me feel like this...AGAIN...what are you trying to do to me...AGAIN. No one's going to hurt me...AGAIN!" He's almost outraged, like someone's slapped him in the face. I just made love to you! He dreams of taking that screaming image and forcing her face to look at his own... "Look at me! I'M NOT HIM!!"
She's angry, and doesn't know why...but he's at the center of it. Since she doesn't know why, it begins to apply to anything he does that seems wrong or out of character. 'I called and you weren't there where were you never mind I can guess..." He's totally confused. When they were friends and first began dating, she was so happy...and he dreads being close or intimate with her now, because it seems the moments when they are closest, are followed right away by distance. Sarcasm, resentment, with hate a half step away, but he's not allowed to mention it. And when the atmosphere, the perception of resentment becomes so oppressive he has to leave, the pent up anger is released. She calls him demanding explanations, he can't explain it because he didn't understand it himself. The calls become shorter. Then he stops calling.
And then, she calls me. I tell her she needs to cut off the pain of the past, and the only way to do that is to forgive the person who hurt you. And by extension, forgive and wish good things to everyone who you think may have hurt you, whether they really were guilty of abuse, or an innocent bystander that you forced to wear the abuser's mask. Like I've just crossed the same boundary of intimacy like all her past lovers, now I the reader see the armor fall away, and the hurt angry person fully revealed. She is furious at me...and now I the reader, wear the abuser's face...how dare I say it's her responsibility...do I even know what this man, these men, by extension, all men, have done to her? Whose side am I on??!! Screams, accusations...sometimes a crash and a dial tone.
Jesus said, whenever you go to God looking for anything good, before you say one word you should first forgive everyone you have anything against. I believe the Bible, especially the words of Christ, are the most powerful psychic advice ever written, if you clear away people interpretations and ancient traditions and look at it with new eyes. If you want something as powerful, positive, and holy as love, and want it to connect to a heart that's full of something as corrupt, sickening and killing as festering hate, it isn't going to happen. It's like telling a mother to put her baby in a pigsty with the pigs. When you forgive, it's not because they deserve it, and it's not making them right. It's letting go. It's getting rid of a demon roommate, so you can clean house and let love move in.
And it's very important to let love move in. If you've let go of the past and your "house is empty", you've got to love again...you have to make the attempt. Being alone is never an answer, anyone who says they're adjusted to being alone, is basically saying they're adjusted to the emptiness and pain. Again, listen to the words of Jesus in a new way...he said that if a a man ejects a demon from his house and sweeps it clean, but leaves it empty...seven demons worse from the first see an empty house and move in. For some people, their "house" is filled with the love of their children, their church, or a loving friend...and all these forms of love are beautiful. But if you want romantic love and you're looking for these other loves to replace romantic love, you will never fill that emptiness. In fact, if your heart is full with the love of God, family, friends...God and family and friends should all be working together to help you find that romantic love you still miss, so that your joy will be full. A person who loves you will never stand in the way of your joy.
If I sound like I'm preaching to you, I'm preaching to myself too. I've been hurt in the world, I've had bad relationships, abandoned by my parents and raised in indifferent circumstances, and emerging from a dangerous period in my early life it's amazing I'm still alive, I've been close to death so many times we just wave at each other going by on the road any more. I saw a very interesting poll that seemed to indicate a large number of people who are "sensitives" were raised in abusive households or environments...finding the world oppressive or dangerous, children sometimes go within. And abused children do not have an impressive record of successful relationships.
So, I forgive. Sometimes, it seems I have to forgive daily. I have to let go, to become clear. I have to be clear, to let love come in. It's the only way I can do this for a living, or live, at all.
If you're reading my blog and you want a discount call, here's the deal. I have two listings here at Keen, Personal Visions and the one called Anton Rutter. My "normal" price was $2.59min and with our economic worries I've lowered it to $1.89 min when calls are slow...I may be lowering it even further to $1.59 for a few hours now and then when I really want to read but the phone is quiet. But if you're looking for a discount price, check both my listings...I may have some set at different prices or I might have a sale when one listing is slower than the others. Even if I'm busy there will always be one listing set to $1.89 so people who know me can get a break. And, as always, if you're a regular caller of mine and having a financial hardship, ask me for free minutes...I don't send out group emails and I save my free minutes for my regulars (I send a minimum of 10 free minutes)...I want to be there for those who've been there for me.
VERY hot and muggy lately in Florida...I will probably not be available very much in the early afternoons. I don't use AC and on the sailboat sometimes the fans don't cut it...I'm jumping over the side for a swim and you all should join me!...have a great weekend...~*Love, Anton*~