Learned Chaos Syndrome
As an avid student of human nature, I have this tendency to create neologisms and coin phrases to describe human behavior. Since most of my experience lies in the realm of lesbian behavior, they usually apply to that segment of society, but I have found that often, the behaviors are also applicable to heterosexuals as well. Here, I will describe one of the theories I've developed about certain lesbians and a particular type of baggage they bring to relationships: Learned Chaos Syndrome.
Some women have so much going in their lives that they have no time to develop primary romantic relationships, yet they continue to allow that chaos and drama to control their lives. They are often drawn to others who have similar issues. Perhaps it's a need to be needed by a group of other damaged or needy people who won't judge them harshly; perhaps it's a way of filling a void that existed in childhood; maybe it's a series of events that she hasn't been able to control yet. But ultimately, I think it's because they have become so accustomed to chaos, that they remain in it because it's familiar, and easier in the short-term, to deal with something familiar than with something new. Frequently, this pattern manifests in other areas, where she might see chaos where none exists. This leads to creating demons where there are none and this can result in irreconcilable conflicts with those peripheral people in her life.
At other times, these LCS women will be seduced by those who are stable, peaceful and relaxed. This is a reaction to a need to live vicariously through someone else without chaos, and a yearning to have it close enough so that it may somehow heal the chaos in her own life. I've always believed, for instance, that when stable women attract unstable ones, it's more a case of the unstable one seeing something in them they need and want, rather than the stable one making poor choices. It usually takes some time before the challenges in a relationship emerge, so that these discrepancies are obvious, especially if that relationship is strained by little time together.
The question of whether or not these women recognize this Learned Chaos Syndrome is only one we can answer if there is enough data and research on the topic. But largely, I think everyone has the potential to recognize and alter anything about themselves if they so choose--barring organic brain damage, brain injury, or mental illness.
Often, hindsight is how most of us recognize our destructive patterns, as hindsight tends to allow us both distance and clarity. But if a woman is so overloaded with responsibilities and worries and problems to solve at every turn, there is little attention left to assess what the antecedent of her chaos might be. It might be as simple as her tendency to take on more than is possible. Thus the pattern repeats, until something changes, either by volition or in the natural ebb that sometimes appears.
But until these LCS women recognize that they are not going to be free of chaos until they remove it, purposefully, deliberately, and with great discernment, from their lives, they will never truly have those things they seek.
We cannot force someone to make those changes in their level of chaos, so that we can have a balanced, healthy relationship with time to develop ourselves as a couple. That falls under the LCS woman's responsibility. When met with a situation in which moments together have to be stolen instead of made a priority, we are caught in this web of chaos with little hope of escape. It is wise to remember that we first have to please ourselves, otherwise we will resent it when they can't be what we need.
So if someone's chaos prevents them from having time for you, you're better off bowing out and keeping your options open. If you are dealing with someone who exhibits Learned Chaos Syndrome, one thing is certain: You should never allow yourself to be the comma in the sentence of someone's life.
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