I have had a lot of experience in child raising as I am a mother of 5 biological children and four adopted. When the kids hit the “terrible twos” and the unreasonable teen years I seriously considered running away and hiding. I have spent many years listening to parents who have reached the end of their tethers pouring out their hearts trying to find solutions to everyday control crisis within the family and I have learned over the years that one tactic does not fit all!
Some kids learn from their mistakes immediately, some remain hardheaded into adulthood and some never learn no matter what you do. Power struggles between parents and kids start early and continue throughout childhood and become really evident in the teen years.
Recently a friend of mine was struggling with how to deal with a five year old "gifted" child who was prone to scream whenever he did not get what he wanted. She tried everything from "time-out" to taking away favorite toys etc but nothing worked. He used this tactic only with her. She tried letting him scream and walking away and sometimes she would resort to screaming back at him but nothing seemed to work.
Even though it did not always work for him he continued to do it. She dreaded taking him into the store or having him be around her friends for fear they would think he was spoiled, out of control and a terrible child. She was praying for a miracle for when he was sweet he was the dearest loving child but when he was truly bad he was horrid and out of control.
When I was discussing it with her one day on the phone it became apparent to me that she was really in a power struggle with her son. She was doing everything to get him to stop screaming and he was doing everything to resist being controlled. I suggested another tactic that I had read about in one of the parenting magazines when I was in the "power struggle" days with my kids.
I told her the next time that he starts screaming, tell him...."hey your not screaming loud enough, maybe if you scream louder someone will listen, no that is not loud enough it has to be louder! Maybe if you continue to scream louder and louder someone who is interested will look at you and see what a baby you are and maybe they might give you what you want. Little babies do that maybe if you scream really loud you might get someone’s attention.
I told her to say it like she is disinterested and laugh at him a little. Almost matter of fact but don't show that it is annoying you any more.
The next time he started his antics when he did not get a candy that he wanted after school she calmly proceeded to giggle and tell him..."you have to scream louder...louder I cannot hear you....louder and maybe someone will think you are a baby and help you....whine loudly next time...louder. As she calmly continued to giggle at him and tell him to scream louder he just stopped.
What happened here is that as he was screaming not to be controlled and to get his way she was agreeing with him to scream and that just was counter to what he wanted to achieve.
Statements like "Maybe if you really learn to whine, we will understand and give you what you want....that is not whining enough etc.
"You know you can pout pretty well almost like a new baby but you don't really do it too well and I think you need to practice it more" "Maybe if you practice it again and again you might get something you want."
Pointing out they are not really doing a temper tantrum too well and have to improve it is just what they don't want to hear. It shows you are not controlling them you are agreeing with them and that is exactly what you don't want.
You need to be sure you do this right away as soon as the behavior starts and before you feel angry and frustrated. Keep it light and stay calm. That is very important to having this tactic work. Sometimes when kids see their parents losing control it gives them a sense of power.
This treatment works with adults also. When someone pulls the silent treatment on you for example you can say "You know if you really want the silent treatment to work for you I think you might have to stop using the dirty looks also" or "not communicating must of worked for you when you were a baby but I think perhaps you need to practice that technique a little more for it is very obvious now what you are doing"!
Raising kids can teach you how to cope with adults and when you look at what worked for “little Johnny” when he was young is still being used as a tactic when “little Johnny” grows up!
Learning to deflate the attempts of the little ones might help in dealing with the controlling tactics of the ‘bigger” kids in our life.
Wishing you a peaceful Saturday night with your family! Blessings of joy to everyone.
Rosie