Do you habitually find yourself giving in to other people because you get upset if you have to tell them no?
Do you always put your needs aside in order to accommodate others?
Do you put your desires on hold because he/she needs your attention more?
If any of the above applies you probably fall under the classification of the chronic "people pleaser".
In all probability, you are not getting what you need out of life. It is time to shift the focus from others to yourself, and to stop being martyr.
This is so hard to do when you have been conditioned to being of service to others. It is hard to recognize when you are being taken advantage of and when you are genuinely needed.
If you habitually give into everyone because you are afraid they will be upset with you then you really have to analyze why you do that. When you give to others and never see gratitude then you need to look at why you are being so generous.
Giving to others is a great thing but not at the expense of losing yourself.
You need to follow some basic steps:
1. Stop and think of the times that you did or said something that did not reflect your needs, just in order to please someone else. Write some of the instances down in your journal. For each instance that you recall also write down how you could have handled it differently so you could have pleased yourself and perhaps even pleased someone else instead of only pleasing others.
Write down what is the worst thing that could have happened if you reacted in that way.
2. Look at your fears. When you look at your fears ask yourself "is this fear realistic"? Are your fears truly terrible? Are you afraid you will not be respected or liked if you say no? Are you afraid your partner will leave you if you don't say the right thing? These type of fears trap you in a prison of your own making. You need to evaluate if it is time to unlock the prison doors and walk out.
You can do that by realizing that if the people around you will not recognize your needs and are used to you being a compliant person then you need to ask yourself if you really need them in your life. You need to ask yourself if throughout your life you were expected to anticipate and mold yourself to everyone else's need and ignore your own?
Do you feel the only way you can get a positive response and be accepted is to comply with what others want of you? If you are thinking like that it is time to understand this: Not all the world respects or wants a pushover! By being so compliant you are an open target to be manipulated and abused.
3. Stop basing your self-worth on how much you do for other people. It's noble to want to help others, but it's something you should do because you want to, not because you feel you have to. The greatest acts of kindness are these done by choice, not out of fear or guilt. If you are helping others and neglecting yourself, ask yourself "how wise is this?"
4. Learn to say NO! Don't make excuses just give your reasons for not wanting to comply. If your best friend wants you to double date with a guy that no appeal whatsoever to you say NOWAY! Period. Don't apologize for your feelings. You have a right to them. Own them and be thankful that you have them. Say no politely but firmly. MEAN IT!
You will be really surprised to see that most of the people will appreciate your candor and forcefulness. They world will not collapse and those that don't take the NO well then drop them from your list of friends for they do not have your best interest at heart. There is nothing wrong with having an opinion. Let people know you have a choice and you intend to voice that choice.
You should remember first and foremost that people are not mind readers contrary to the popular belief! You need to let others know your feelings and it is not far to make them pry for answers. If they ask for an honest opinion then give it and don't apologize for your feelings.
You can compromise if necessary, while it is not good to be a pushover it is not necessary to become a reckless bully either. Find the medium where you can still be true to your own needs and wants and work with others when you can.
Try not to become totally selfish. In fact, many people pleasers have low self esteem. So do those who are selfish. It is best to develop good self-care skills. Listen to others but in the end make your own choices and be responsible for the choices you make.
Put an affirmation on your computer that you will see everyday such as "My needs and desires are just as important as yours." Start looking at that affirmation before you start agreeing to someone else's plan for you.
Many blessings of joy and happiness for you this week!
Rosie