Oh sure there are lots of warning signs along the way - warning signs that you may in fact be involved in a TOXIC relationship - and no one sign is a total answer that you may need to send that loved one packing - but if you start to notice a pattern - then you may in fact need to take a much closer look at exactly what is going on in the relationship - BEFORE -you make any kind of emotional commitment yourself to further involvement. 

Sure anyone can make a mistake - who among us hasn't done something both in and out of relationships that we may in fact come to regret at a later time.  But if you begin to see a pattern - then my friends - "HOUSTON - WE HAVE A PROBLEM?"

A pattern should serve to put you on notice that that you are in a relationship that may in fact be TOXIC.

THE TEST

HOW TOXIC IS MY RELATIONSHIP?

Rate each statement from 1 (meaning "not at all") to 6 (meaning "perfect match") by comparing your relationship.  Write the corresponding number down to the left of each question. 

______ 1.  My partner has hit or pushed me.
______ 2. My partner calls me names, puts me down/teases me.
______ 3. My partner lies to me.
______ 4. My partner has had more than one outside relationship.
______ 5. My partner cheats people out of money/material goods.
______ 6. My partner steals.
______ 7. My partner abuses drugs or is an alcoholic.
______ 8. My partner threatens me with violence or abandonment.
______ 9. My partner is unable to make a commitment.
_____ 10. My partner always demands his/her way.
_____ 11. My partner can't hold a job.
_____ 12. My partner has huge, unpredictable mood swings.
_____ 13. My partner violates my boudaries.
_____ 14. My partner and I do not communicate well.
_____ 15. My partner clings tightly to me.
_____ 16. My partner is jealous.
_____ 17. There is NO trust in our relationship.
_____ 18. My partner has rages.
_____ 19. My partner tries to control my life.
_____ 20. My partner has no self control with food/money/alcohol.
_____ 21. I never know what to expect/he/she is a chameleon.
_____ 22. My partner says directly or indirectly-not good enough.
_____ 23. My partner is a "black-and-white" thinker.
_____ 24. My partner has no close friends/not close to family.
_____ 25. My partner has spent time in jail or prison.
_____ 26. My partner responds to me with "yes, but . . . "
_____ 27. My partner tries to keep me away from friends/family.
_____ 28. My partner is cruel to my pets, children or family.
_____ 29. My partner has few emotional reactions to anything.
_____ 30. My partner brings up everything from my past - acts as if I am the only one with issues.

 Now add up your points to come up with your score:

Under 54 - Your relationship is open and connected-may need a "tune-up."
55 - 70    - Some problems, but workable without intervention.
80 - 109  - There is lots of room for improvement.
110 - 134 -Get ready for a rocky and potentially TOXIC relationship.
135 - 159 - This relationship is probably not workable.
Over 60    - CAUTION - THIS IS A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP

How did you guys fair with your scores?  Let me know.  Haven't we all been there?  Let me know if this was helpful for you.

DO YOU HAVE ANY - THAT I'VE MISSED? - LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU WOULD ADD TO THE LIST
NEXT UP:  "The Baker's Dozen of TOXIC Warning Signs."

STILL TO COME:  Part Four in the "Emotionally Unavailable" Series: "Mama's Boys and Daddy's Girls."