"The Bad Boys."  Why do we even bother?  Generally speaking most people we interact with are willing AND able to make some necessary changes to get along, become more appealing, and improve interactions with others.  But then . . . there are "The Bad Boys"?  "Bad Boys" are so toxic they can not OR will not change.  So why do we get involved with them in the first place and more importantly - why do we stay hooked to them?

Bryn C, Collins addresses this notion in detail in her book, Emotional Unavailability. Here on my Blog - I've been doing a whole series on Emotional Unavailability, toxic relationships and our addiction to them, using Ms. Collins' book as a guide.  Central to this issue of Emotional Unavailability and toxicity in relationships is our own addiction to . . . The "Bad Boy". If you have ever asked yourself  . . . "What was I thinking?" . . . well then welcome to the human race.  Most of us have gotten ourselves into at least one of these toxic, distant, emotionally unavailable relationships  - only to find ourselves, emotionally devastated and trashed and doubting our own self worth and ability to make reasoned decisions in relationships.

Our choice to get involved with the "Bad Boy" has to do with many issues.  First, people who seem to need repairs to their essential selves are really terribly appealing and tempting.  We all seem to buy into the notion that a good relationship can in fact - and indeed change a person. 

What is really the truth is that a good relationship can enhance someone and expend them  BUT - it can not - I repeat - CAN NOT change them.  The only thing that EVER changes a person is his or her own willingness and desire to change - his or her own choice to change.  If a person is willing to make a change in terms of how he or she processes and/or experiences the world - you will be able to see that right up front - pretty early in the relationship.  The issue comes when you get yourself involved with a "Bad Boy" and he wants YOU to change in unhealthy ways - or causes you to begun to function in a less than fully emotional way - because he in fact is so emotionally unavailable.

The really seductive thing about this process is how you come to believe that if YOU change a little, then you partner - the "Bad Boy" will also change a little and match your desire for change.  This is where the "Bad Boy" dance begins.  You then begin to surrender whole parts of yourself in the hopes that your partner - the "Bad Boy" will begin - at some point to live up to pleas and promises - and your repeated requests for change.

Meanwhile the whole objective of this toxic person - the "Bad Boy" is to keep you dancing in the distance - as he is able to get all of his needs met -while you keep trying to find that magic formula that will finally turn everything around. 

Guess What My Friends?  There is no magic formula.  As long as you keep trying to make everything perfect, the toxic person - this "Bad Boy" is getting exactly what he wants.  You can go ahead and ask for what you want, make a firm stand, or even begin to push for change - but it won't work and you really need to be prepared for the end of the relationship. 

This or course will be a very painful process because you have been doing all the work in the relationship to begin with - so you are the one with a huge emotional investment in the outcome. 

These relationships with the "Bad Boys" - these are the relationships that make us wistful and leave us sniffling, and sniveling, and peeing and crying, 

Just remember though, you didn't break them so its not your job to fix them.  You will be so much better off - utilizing your time to work on strengthening yourself so that you will be able to spot, and choose a healthy and whole relationship in the future. 
Ever run into a Bad Boy" that you thought you could fix?  Tell me about it.  Trust me you are not alone.  
NEXT UP:  Part Five in the "Emotionally Unavailable" Series: "Holics:  Alca . . ., Coca . . ., Spenda . . ., Sexa . . ., Worka . . ."