OK, so another engine on the Boeing 747 has gone out and the control tower has lost communication with the cockpit of the doomed jetliner. At this point, the pilot decides to inform the passengers that they had better start praying. at any moment, they could be going down. "Attention Passengers, say your prayers and prepare for a water landing." After the initial shock and screaming dies down and after the flight attendents have secured the situation the best they could, one disgruntled woman gets up and stands in the center of the aisle...

"I can't believe we are all going to die now! I can't believe I am going to leave this world having never known true love or care from a real man! My relationships never work!

"WILL JUST ONE REAL MAN HERE STEP FORWARD BEFORE WE ALL DIE AND FINALLY MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A WOMAN !!!??"

Quiet, all look and ponder.

Then, a handsome man steps forward from the first class section. He looks her in the eyes and slowly removes his shirt. Then he throws the shirt at her and says:

"HERE, IRON THIS FOR ME."


In today's day and age, many men still think of a woman as an object or slave to do their bidding. But, that doesn't mean that women have to think that way just because their men do. Unfortunately, what we see is just that; men who can still abuse women, while the women continue to take it, even when the vehicle of relationship is crashing into the stormy seas.

In this article, I will attempt with God's help and blessing, to reveal how an abused woman can break the cycle of abuse in a relationship and regain control so she can honestly choose if she will stay or go, on her own terms.

We will identify why abused women stay in the relationship and how to help them find a way out step by step. It is my fervent hope that anyone who reads this will find that my heart speaks to them in truth. I do not write these words for my own honor, but rather for the honor of those who need to hear them.

I will attempt to use 2nd person where I can so as to speak to each reader as an individual. It is my way of giving 100% care to each one, although I am only one man. As always however, I am a hat maker and shoe salesman. I am not trying to reveal your issues to the public in my writings. If what I say fits you, then purchase it and enjoy. I am sure you will assume it is purely coincidental that I "know" something about you, just as a shoe store "happens" to carry your size. If you know of anyone who could benefit from this article, please pass it on. :)


I. OVERCOMING SHAME

So many women in abusive situations are ashamed of the condition they find themselves in. Somehow you think that it is shameful that you of all people could have ended up in an abusive marriage. You, the woman everyone comes to for advice, can't even help herself. You should have chosen better. You should have been able to turn him around and gotten him to love you. You can never tell anyone what is really happening because it is no one's business and they would laugh at you if they knew; or worse, they would pity you and not help you in any case. If he found out you were talking it would only make it worse?

Shame is a problem because it 1) Falsely destroys your self esteem. 2) Isolates you from friends and family. 3) Leads to denial of how bad it really is. 4) Helps the abuser keep you in fear (you do half his job for him) etc.

So the first thing for you to do is stop being ashamed of yourself because of your abusive relationship. Don't hide it from good friends. You don't deserve it and shouldn't take it out on yourself.

Now I know you are not just going to stop feeling ashamed without a proof. So, I will give you a logical, ironclad explanation on why there is no shame here. Once you understand this, you will realize that the only one guilty of a shameful act is the abusive guy. He should be ashamed, not you.

When we were kids, there was a commercial about a young college grad who sits at an IT job interview. The man behind the desk reviews his resume: "You have achieved the high score in Pac-Man, Galaga, and Space Invaders... impressive, but tell me young man, what do you know about computers?

In another commercial way back when, a TV star would come on your screen and say: "I am not a doctor...but I play one on TV !" He would then try and sell you some over the counter drugs.
Imagine if House were the actor: "Hi, I am not a doctor, but I play one on TV ! If you buy this because I endorse it, then you are an idiot, yes?"

OK friend, you have studied math, science and finance. You are artistic. you have gotten your BA, MBA, or even PHD. Tell me... where did you get your MRS.?

You see, shame is only valid when you should have known better or could have done better. However, if all of your expertise in learning has to do with science and business, then what makes you think you were ever qualified to make expert decisions in relationships? You mean it's because you are a woman? You were born with all the knowledge and experience? So if you married an abuser it is your fault because you should have known better or could have done better? Excuse me, WRONG! How many years did you devote to spiritual learning? How much male and female psychology have you studied? Where do you come off thinking you should be ashamed? You are not stupid. You are simply misinformed about a great many things.

You may have spent a few years in school guided by peer pressure and popular opinion about what is good and bad in a relationship. Your family never taught you and no classes were offered. It was like driving down a freeway without brakes. Who knows what you will hit but it will hopefully stop you? Then you went on to college. Ah yes, that place where American youth goes to make sure they can postpone growing up for as long as possible. Again, no classes are offered about relationships. You just go to "lunch" or "clubs" and you are supposed to succeed? What if (like one nice girl I know) you meet this great guy at the age of 22-24 or so? He seems so nice, you fall in "love". He promises love and an eventual commitment and then uses you like a rake? When you finally push for the illusory commitment, he realizes the game is up and he moves on to another easier target or perhaps claims his "true love" who left him before you came has now "come back into his life". Not only is this a real heavy broken heart, but it makes you vulnerable. Did anyone come and teach you then? No. But you were fragile just the same. Now, (oh give him some random name) "Frank" comes along. Frank is charming and a little funny. He has the physical criteria and seems confident to be a provider. He proposes and you accept because you never had true closure from previous breaks in trust, so you never saw it coming. Now maybe you have had children with this guy and he shows his true colors by keeping you controlled and in fear. He does drugs and cheats with other women all the time. He is emotionally unavailable unless he is controlling you. Then he shows emotions like anger, rage, fear, hurt, and even slaps you around or threatens various things to keep you under his thumb. This includes alienating most of your friends and controlling your money.

How did you qualify for marriage? Was there a road test equivalent for the marriage license like we have for a driver's license? Just pay a fee? Who was consulted? Did anyone know better?
Being ashamed of this is like someone being ashamed they lost the lottery drawing. How can you blame yourself for a game of chance?

Bottom line: You never had the support system or the education to really understand relationships. Actually, not many of us did. Blame the world system, but don't blame yourself here. There is no shame. You need to reach out to friends who care about you because there is no shame in it. Tell them what is happening. A true friend will only see the good in you.

II. BUT HE THREATENED TO TAKE AWAY MY CHILDREN

This is a joke right?

OK, before we even discuss law and custody battles etc.

Get this straight my friend: HE DOESN'T WANT CUSTODY.

Imagine "Frank" wakes up late again. He wants to start his day dealing drugs or doing some errand, then he will meet one of his bimbos for a good time.

Um, but the kids are still home! They are already an hour late for school ! one of them is pulling out the other's hair. Frank screams at them and tries to make breakfast. He gives up because he realizes that (he can't do it) they aren't dressed. So, he tries to find their underwear. Do you see where this is going? Frank calls his # 1 bimbo. He proposes marriage if she will adopt the kids. She laughs at him. What bimbo wants someone else's kids? It's an empty threat. Think about it. He only wants you and the kids as possesions, not responsibilities.

Secondly, the courts vehemently favor the mother having custody with visitation allowed for the father. But, all you need is to have your divorce attorney file an affidavit and a restraining order (or order of protection) about his abusive behavior and the judge might even grant you full custody with no visitation for him at all. You really should get a consultation from a family court lawyer in your town.

III. THE DANGER OF HIM CHEATING

Look, even if you are in denial that he cheats on you, you know it is true. Please think of the dangers. It is not about forgiveness and love.

You can either 1) Sit down with Frank and have a chat: "Frank, I know you are cheating on me, but I want you to make me one commitment. Use protection."

BTW, the chances of this selfish lying cheat actually respecting that request is close to nil. Therefore I suggest option 2) You need to leave him and lay down the law. This isn't about his "old flame" appearing once and forgiving him. This is about a selfish guy who lives like a dog with all kinds of people on the side.

Especially if you are a mother of children, you cannot afford HIV or something similarly evil God forbid.

There is option 3), but it might not be legal. http://www.oprah.com/article/oprahshow/20090409-tows-lorena-bobbitt

IV. INVOLVING FRIENDS

But my husband is so scary, that I don't want my friends involved. He might threaten them.

Well, unlike a battered wife, good friends are really not afraid of your husband. They will call the cops and he will be up the creek in no time. I do not think he will be that stupid. I for instance have been involved in helping many people and I never abandoned a friend because their "partner" tried to threaten me.

In the old days, a real man proved his worth by killing stronger men in battle. As mankind became more civilized, he proved his worth by amassing business and wealth. Especially in today's day and age, a man can prove his worth by helping others and doing good deeds.

But, if a man has to prove his worth by hitting and controlling women and children, then he is not a man. I do not fear him. Perhaps I pity him, and perhaps he makes my blood rise a few degrees in temperature; but I do not fear him. Most of your friends agree.

Also, remember to always have a man or two among your friends when you speak things out. You may trust your female friends, but a man is important to have. You see, women like to be protective of their friendship with you and will keep status quo if they see you are really upset. This means that a female friend can sometimes keep quiet about advising you away from danger because she is afraid you will be angry at her for speaking up; so she just listens. Men treat women like a cell phone. We know you want to be held and cradled. We know you want to be talked to and listened to. However, a man always ends up pressing the wrong buttons and getting disconnected at some point. Men are people who will not sugar coat the truth they see even if you get royally ticked by it. We are dumb that way. So, keep a guy around on your list. When you really need the truth, talk to him and hang up on him in rage. Then, think about it and save yourself by listening to him. If he is a real friend, you can get him to forgive you one day (and start the cycle over again, oh brother).

V. WHO WILL BE THEIR FATHER?

There are two moral issues here. 1) Is it right to take the kids away from their father? 2) Is it right that my kids will grow up without dad around?

First of all, dad can have visitation. Second of all, dad should not have tried to destroy mom. But most importantly, where was dad when he should have been home spending time with the kids?
Did this abusive man view his children as an honor and a duty as well as a love of his life, or are they possesions and pawns to keep his wife in line with threats? Do not worry about crocodile tears. He doesn't know what "loving his kids" is all about and he will be happier without the burden as long as he can visit them.

I also don't like to bore you with statistics, they are usually not fully trustworthy anyway in cases like this. I just know that 99% of politicians give the other 1% a bad name, and of course 4 out of 5 people probably make up about 80% of the population of this country. So what? Let's not try statistics. Let's just look at the gut fact here. Your kids growing up for a period of time without a dad constantly around is better than growing up with an abuser around. It's that simple. They learn the abuser's ways by example because that's what kids do. They absorb whatever they see.

Also, I will remind you of the safety message we hear every time we board a plane. If the cabin pressure drops suddenly, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead compartment. Adults must secure the mask around THEMSELVES FIRST and then help children. This is because the adult might pass out by the time the first kid is helped. Then, all of them will pass out. But, as long as the parent is going to be OK, they can help each kid put on a mask even if the kid passed out for a short time. It is our parental instinct to put the mask on the kids first, but that is dangerous. We must put the mask on ourselves first so we are fit to save all the children soon after. Mom, you must be physically, spiritually, and emotionally healthy first so you can save your kids for a lifetime. If you keep staying with the abuser in an attempt to sacrifice yourself so they can have a "dad" and avoid the stigma of divorce, you will only end up losing yourself and losing them as well, God forbid.

You may also be asking about your own options as a single woman? You do not want to be alone. What man will take you with kids?

Have you ever watched 8 is Enough as a kid? Do you remember the Brady Bunch? Usually, men who have somehow gotten custody of children in court tend to be a good catch. He will care for yours if you will care for his. Just buy a schoolbus. Diesel is cheaper than an SUV anyway. But even withhout that, there are so many good men out there; certainly better than this loser. You have many options. You just need your self esteem back in order. In any case, you will need time to heal after such a relationship. Jewish law requires 90 days waiting after any marriage ends before starting a new marriage(for many reasons) you may need a year or two. In that time you can do real soulsearching and learn about men and yourself, before jumping into anything again. Take your time.

VI. WHAT ABOUT FINANCES?

You are not dependent on a man for a career. You probably have talents and degrees which you put aside during your marriage and child raising days. Breaking free can initially be costly, but there are definitely friends, family, and help groups for abused women that will help fund your freedom if you do not have enough. A few weeks ago, I was involved in communication to a woman in need of getting out of a bad marriage. I didn't communicate about it until I had a bank check in my hand ready to pay an attorney in case she needed it. Many local organizations will do the same.

After the initial seperation is complete, you must have confidence that God will give you your income like He gives it to everyone else. You have the tools and talent needed to make a living on your own. You always have options. I see it all the time, case after case.

BTW, don't feel bad about suing him for his assets and child support. That is not relying on him, that is your entitlement. It is your money. He couldn't have made it without you (especially if you cared for the children). Remember when he came home in the middle of the day and went to take a shower? You asked why he is taking a shower mid-day? He was trying to hide the fact he was out cheating again? You yelled at him "Why don't you divorce me already !?" He responded: "Because it is cheaper to keep you." And you want to have pity on that ? Take him for all he owes you. Make sure he takes a shower and the bath :) Oh, and empty the joint account.

VII. THE REAL FEAR; WHY YOU REALLY STAY WITH HIM (ACCORDING TO KABBALAH)

But you knew all of this already. You are smart enough to come to these conclusions without me. Yet, you still feel like staying with him. Like a boomerang that always returns, you are more comfortable with the devil you know than the new world you don't know? Well, it is deeper than that.

The Talmud in many places says: "A woman always says: It is always better to live together than to be alone." (Tav L'Mesiv Tan Du, Mi'LeMesiv Armalah.")

For this reason, many women endure unspeakable evil just to stay with an abuser. This links further to the Kabbalistic spheres. Man is made in the image of the ten spheres.
The last sphere is called Malchus (Kingdom). The first sphere is called Keter (Crown). The flow of power of the other spheres flows into Malchus below.

A man is the upper spheres.

A woman is Malchus (which nurtures and transforms into Keter). Hence the last becomes the first.

A woman, by her essence, (Divine truth) is a nurturer. It is very hard for you as a woman to detach from the perceived power flow of the man you have attached to.
The desire to stay and nurture the chosen man is so strong, that you can endure almost anything to stay and try to nurture him. You believe, even unto oblivion itself that somehow you will make it work. Somehow you will make him become available to you and give you his soul's flow of energy so you can nurture with him. The higher you are empowered with Malchus as a woman, the more you are naturally attracted to abusers because they are the most challenging on a mystical level. If you could turn him, wouldn't that be the achievement?

The secret lies in judgment. If you can judge him and make him see the problems, then you can turn him. If he still doesn't turn, then he is a husk of emptiness that will destroy itself and you will be free. But, if you just keep saying "I will make it work." without any real game plan and without him working too, then you are not judging his evil side. So, he will forever deny you his attention and you will forever be slave to an empty well. God forbid.

Either you must judge him and withdraw from him so you can lay down the law. (separate and say you won't come back until he shapes up.) Or, you must divorce him outright and seek a wiser mate elsewhere. Seek someone who is even greater in goodess than that one is evil. Learn to nurture the raw power of a good soul and make it greater than even that good person dreamed. You will find that such a nurturing can be infinitely more rewarding than turning an abuser. It just doesn't seem so at first, but it is.

The main thing is to be free and true to yourself.

VIII. IN CONCLUSION: PRACTICAL STEPS

1) Review the above
2) Spend meditative time 5 minutes a day and night being introspective and building self esteem/ overcoming shame.
3) Talk out this problem fully with trusted friends and/or a professional counselor. Use a new Yahoo e-mail acct. or new pre-paid cell phone if your husband is an abusive control freak who spies on you.
4) Make a private list of all family assets and copy needed documents (children's social cards, passports, bank statements etc. should be handy as should small valuables)
5) Have a plan to run away if needed. Pick a friend or family member's home as a safe house in case you must run. At least find and pick a local woman's shelter.
6) Plan to empty the account. Plan the run on the way to school/work in the morning so he won't know until the night (gives you a head start) and so you can take the kids without warning. You will have a lawyer ready with divorce papers to be served after you are in a safe house, and an order of protection to be served as well. Document any physical or mental abuse for your lawyer. Ask him how. Ask how to approach local law enforcement about the abuser.
7) Give your man an ultimatum that you will not accept certain abusive behavior anymore. Demand he go with you to counseling and/or ask for a temporary separation.
8) If he refuses, certainly execute plan 6 above.

Remember, an abusive angry man is the product of insecurity and fear. Therefore he is a paper tiger.
If your mother or family member says: He provides money, you picked him for better or for worse, you made your bed so now lie in it etc. Don't listen to that nonesense. Even one who makes her bed and lies in it also gets to wake up in the morning and get out of bed!! Wake up and smell the coffee.

Fear no one. God be with you.