If I Hated My Step Father Why Did I Marry Him?
It happened so subtly. My mother was the strongest woman I have ever known. But at home, behind closed doors, the shrieking, crying and slapping was a reguler occurance.
She belonged to the Daughters of Revolution in the 60’s, spoke and wrote about the importance of being an independent woman. She took us to Ballet, Opera, Plays, and made sure we were hugged and loved. But even she could not get in the way of my step father’s strict, bitter and abusive behavior. Silently we downloaded her lessons.
My sisters and I saw the contradictions, watched and accepted with confusion. Behind closed bed room doors we vowed when it was our time to marry; it would be with a good and compassionate partner. Mother was a Dynamo Executive. She was dark, beautiful and brilliant. Yet the information we were downloading from her example led us each to the arms of men just like our step father. We pointed it out to each other. In blind denial we refused to see the similarities in our own marriages. Strong vibrant women, each of us, we stayed in the confines of home abuse.
I saw my little boy sucking his thumb in bewilderment as my first husband and I fought and screamed. I told myself it was the right thing to do to stay in the marriage any way…for my son. I watched him go outside and imitate his father’s angry behavior. The home abuse led me to constant crying jags….just like my mother. My attitude of weakness in the home encouraged my X to be at his worse…..just like my step father. Mean while each of my 3 sisters were experiencing marriages with the same abusive dynamics. Mother watched, helpless.
Eventually each of us left our carbon copy step father, shocked, dismayed, and wondering how we could have ever walked into the arms of abuse. It made no sense. We each made the choice to be the best mothers we could be, emulating every beautiful and strong quality of our mother. But our life lessons taught us to be strong women, it is better to be alone then give our children the example that it is ok to live in anger, tears and violence. As mothers none of us can be perfect. To be a mother is to choose to be a teacher. Every single action we do is being watched, studied and emulated.
At 55 I am wiser and have married the man I envisioned myself with as a teenager.