Dating and the Midlife Woman: The Cougar?
It made weekend box-office records and surprised people: the new romantic comedy The Proposal. It features 44-year old Sandra Bullock in the starring role, and her on-screen love interest is 32-year old Ryan Reynolds. Bullock even has her first nude scene, something she did not do in any of her on-screen roles during her 20s and 30s. The messge is that “even" in her 40s, a woman is “hot”. The publicity around the film, however, makes no mention of Bullock’s and Reynold’s age difference and the studio would not talk about it in an interview.
Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher. Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell. Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins. These are a few of the more prominent (and successful) real-life known pairings of midlife women and younger men. The women in these real-life relationships are now being labelled as “cougars”.
A New Label for Women
Labeling people and putting them in categories is a common way of dehumanizing them, of not seeing them as human beings, of objectifying them. Once you have an animal or object labeled, especially as an animal or mythical/fantasy entity, then you have them under control and contained. They are simple, not complex as are real humans. Now, you can decide what to do with them and you need not treat them with the respect and consideration you would give a human. Women have historically been categorized as in generalizations such as the symbolic triumvirate of The Virgin/Saint, The Mother and the Whore.
Cougars do not fit into the first two categories. That leaves Whore.
Defining the Cougar
But what IS a cougar? A cougar is generally considered to be a woman of 35 or older who seeks out romantic or sexual relationships with younger men. She is supposed to be an overtly sexual woman over 35 who seeks out men for sex – but doesn’t want commitment, cohabitation or children. The term “cougar” implies predation, manipulaton, cunning behavior, sneakiness, and attacking. It implies a woman is an animal with sharp claws, a deceitful nature and a creature who is sex-starved or over-sexed.
Some related definitions I came across are “cougar-juiced” and “cougar dens”.
“Cougar-juiced” is a term men use to describe having been (successfully) preyed upon by a midlife woman..and “juicing” her is the ephemism for the man’s sexual conquest of her
“Cougar dens” are parties arranged for the purpose of putting together midlife women and younger men for sexual hookups.
Looking at these common definitions and ascriptions, is the “cougar” what women 35 and older want to be -- not a human being with a life, but a sexually predatory animal who is driven by sexual organs and desires and having sex that she “should not be having”?
There are no special terms for single, sexual men. They’re usually just called men. If a man meets a woman and has sex with her he is praised as “lucky”. Single, sexual men tend to be categorized and praised in terms of their job status, their income, their sexual power and their sports achievements. If a 47-year old man is dating or having sex with a 28-year old woman he is lauded for sexual virility and power.
Single, sexual women are labelled derogatorily in terms of their sexuality. The labels infer that for midlife women being sexual is not societally acceptable and normal. It is inferred to be an aberration, unnatural, and not something positive, healthy and human. Midlife woman are viewed in terms of a negative sexuality. It is not so long ago that women were considered to be sexually dried up, void, unsatisfying, unsatisfied and dysfunctional by the time she reached the age of 40 and/or was unable to bear children. She was likely someone’s wife and if she was having a fulfilling sex life she was not fulfilling the expected role of Virgin/Saint or Mother. She was left with The Whore label, whether spoken or unspoken.
The Midlife Woman in the Media
Is the “cougar” a media-created and media-driven trend that will fade from view? Could the “cougar” be extinct by Summer 2010?
Popular television shows like Sex and the City, Brothers and Sisters, Damages and The Closer portray midlife women as confident, intelligent, atactive working women with personal and professional lives. There is a new television show called Cougartown, in which Courtney Cox portrays a sex-starved housewife (although the media whisper is a prediction of early cancellation). There is also an upcoming reality dating show called The Cougar.
The Hollywood film industry jumped on the bandwagon last year, opening Summer 2008 with Sex and the City: The Movie, a film which garnered the largest opening in history for a film centerd solely on women. This seems to be continuing with several films for Summer 2009: In My Life in Ruins, there is no mention of age difference as Nia Vardalos (46) seduces Alexis Georgoulis (34), In Cheri, Michelle Pfeiffer (51) enjoys a romantic and sexual relationship with a man, Rupert Friend (27), who is nearly half her age. The film The Rebound, centers on a May-September dating relationship between Catherine Zeta-Jones (39) and a 25 year old man. In Julie & Julia, Meryl Streep (60) plays real-life culinary superstar Julia Child while the younger Stanley Tucci (49), portrays her husband.
Real-life Midlife Women
Women ages 35 and older as a group are more confident, pre-occupied with their lives, busy working on their careers and not consumed with giving up their lives to support a man in his pursuit of his goals and dreams. They are more relaxed in their bodies and comfortable with their sexuality, not letting it be dictated by men and men’s fantasies. They are not centered on trying to look like a supermodel or Playboy bunny. They know their bodies and their minds and do not get confused and forget who they are because a man pays attention to them. They generally know not to listen to what a man says rather to, instead, watch what he does.
In real-life, a significant number of men prefer the midlife woman between the ages of 35 and 60 who is somewhere between approximately 10-20 years older. What is appealing to these men is the stability of an older woman and the confidence, the lack of game-playing. The modern midlife woman also tends to be very young at heart because midlife has evolved, and the consequence is women ages 35 and older have better and more life options. Midlife women living in developed nations in today’s world have access to better healthcare, more control over their bodies and their sexuality, and better exercise options
Your Relationship with a Younger Partner
If you are a midlife woman age 35 or older, you understand that you are not an animal, not a mythical or fantasy creature, not driven in life by your sexuality. You understand that you are a complex human adult female with a job/career, family, friends, choices, challenges, opinions, interests, and yes, a sexuality.
Choosing to be with a younger male partner is like choosing ANY male partner, including, what challenges you two might face regarding, for example, financial or healthcare issues; and what roles you allow the media, your family and you friends to play in your relationship.
Two areas I mentioned, namely healthcare and finances, are ones in which you will want to be especially attentive, as you will want to ensure that you remain financially in control of your resources. Women still do not make an equal income compared to men and any assets you have should be protected. Money and love have nothing to do with one another so do not assume the love you feel today will keep your money safe tomorrow. Women live longer than men and more senior citizen women live in poverty than men. Think about your retirement and guard your future. As far as healthcare, remember that as a midlife woman you have special issues and need to take good care of your body as you approach or go through menopause and other related and unrelated aging issues.
Remember, the midlife woman is a human being, not an animal (cougar) in control of her private relationship with a younger man.
And if all indications are true, the “cougar” media-hype trend will be extinct or at least hardly noticeable in the next year or so, and the relationships will endure. Just ask Susan and Tim, Demi and Ashton, and Goldie and Kurt.
To your success in life!
Barrett
Copyright © LBPI/Healing Universe
L. Barrett Powell is an international coach and cultural trainer/consultant with an academic background and experience in psychology, theology and journalism. Barrett's focus is on Success Coaching incorporating the Law of Attraction. She lives and works with individuals and inter-cultural organizations in the USA and Europe as a coach, coordinator and trainer. Contact her by email.