This Woman's Journey. Part 1: A Current State of Mind
Prologue
Let’s face it…on a global scale, 2008 has been a year better left to the annuals of history. And like so many people, I too, have experienced my own share of obstacles and personal loss this past year.
Yes…I am an intuitive but I am also subject to the conditions of the human experience. I too, know what it is like to want to give up, to give in to doubt, to be overcome with grief and loss. I know what it is like to be angry and impatient and to want that immediate “fix” or practical application that I can use in turning the circumstances in my life around. And I too, have tired of self help gurus, programs and books. Not because they don’t contain “Universal Truths” but because they don’t take one through the process which occurs between the struggling and the overcoming…the emotional and mental processes that are sandwiched between point A and point B.
So with in mind I decided my next blog entries will be written as a progress series. Since I am currently in the middle of “stuff” that I need to change, I will take you from start to finish, beginning with where I am at right now. This will be a journey that you can take with me…through a collective of own thoughts, feelings and circumstances as they occur. You will know my current state of mind and heart and see how I set my intentions to overcoming and changing my present reality. You will be the witness to my own personal change and hopefully be able to take something away... that you can apply in your own life.
Sidenote: You may notice that at times my writings may appear as un-edited ramblings. I made a conscious decision not to edit or clean up my writing…so that you can see the inner workings of my own mind. Human thoughts are not born pre-polished and organized Some repeat due to old behavior patterns, some bounce around while others ramble. Ramblings are honest and reflect the nature of our thoughts. If we are to change our reality…we must confront how we truly think.
December 8, 2008 12:40 AM.
A Current State of Mind
It’s after midnight and I still can’t sleep. It’s been like this for months. There’s a temptation to dwell on what I don’t have and what I have lost. I’m still reeling from my baby brother’s suicide a few months back. It shook the very foundation of my belief system…my faith. My world was shaken to the core again, through yet another horrific loss, ( years back I lost a child to a bacterial infection).
If I had not received a visit from the magnificent wave of light that was his soul in transition, I might not have tried to go on. His message was that I had to let him go…that the grief I was experiencing was for the human vessel that once was my brother. His soul was/is still very much alive and around, and I needed to move through the cycle of healing…to go on. So I poured myself into my work and into my readings, knowing that giving to and helping others, would help me work through my own pain.
But just when I thought I was putting the pieces back together, one of my surviving children developed another life threatening illness; another began displaying signs of bi-polar disorder, and my finances took a turn for the worse.
The fallout from it all is almost more than I can handle. We all know the old adage that what doesn’t kill you will make you stronger. But sometimes I just want to scream “enough already God!” I have experienced every emotion from extreme depression to anger. Panic, worry and doubt have been fairly regular visitors within my reality. And I have more than entertained them…I have just about all but held on to them. Recently my communals with God have been little more than a plea for help. During my meditations…gratitude, which is fundamental to change, gets only a brief mention, if any. My heart isn’t in it.
And to be honest, even though I know instinctively, that this too shall pass… that I can create powerful changes through my experiences…there are times when I have either considered giving up entirely, or at the very least, throwing my copies of “The Secret” and “A New Earth” right out the door.
Being spiritual and intuitive does not warrant a “get out of hardship free” card. In fact the further one is on the path of spirituality; the more obstacles seem to appear in our path. And that bothers me for reasons I’m sure many of you who pursue your own spiritual path, can relate to.
Yet I know I must keep evolving and fine tuning my spirituality. I know that even as I write this I am changing the energy within my situation. I have decided. Enough of the pity pot…I’m doing something about it.