When They Don't Return Your Love
When I was in my mid twenties I fell head over heels in love with a man I believed was my soulmate. As we moved into the sixth month of our relationship I realized that we were not on the same page; my love was not being reciprocated. It was at that point I launched a personal campaign to win this guys heart, no matter what. Our relationship would last a little over two years, but nothing I did or said, made a difference. And although he was more than happy to be on the receiving end, I could tell that the more I upped the ante, the further he withdrew, until one day…without explanation, he was gone.
I felt like an idiot. I had to figure out what I did wrong so I wouldn’t repeat it in any future relationships. I knew that somewhere in my psyche I was drawing on an old belief that when you truly love someone you give yourself completely. What I didn’t know at the time was that giving oneself completely does not mean giving up “me”. It was obvious…not only had I sacrificed my entire life for this person…I had become too available. And like it or not… in the language of relationships this screams “red flag!”
Over the years I have gathered the opinions of various individuals and couples on the subject of relationships. The one common thread that repeated itself is the availability factor. Surprisingly, I found that although females are not as “hard wired” toward the “thrill of the hunt” as most males, they prefer that their mate “has a life of their own outside the relationship”. According to one person I interviewed recently, “Anyone who is too willing to ignore his or her own life for the sake of being with someone speaks volumes to the other party in the relationship. It shows that person has little or nothing to offer. It may even be a sign that he or she is needy or has the tendency to cling a little too tightly and when you have that going on…it’s never an equal partnership”. One particular male simply commented that “it gets old after awhile…when a woman is too available, it tells me she is desperate. Who needs that?”
Like it or not, when it comes to love, most men are pragmatic, while most women speak from the heart. We ask the age old questions “how come he just can’t love me back” or “why can’t he tell me how he feels?” Most women are more than willing to make the man the priority, almost to the exclusion of self, while most men find this quality a turn off. Perhaps a throwback in their genetic code drives them to answer that primitive urge to conquer. The greater they find the challenge, the greater the thrill and therefore, the more they invest in the pursuit. Whatever the case….do not give up your individuality!
So how do put yourself out there without compromising who you are? It might take a little work on changing old behavior patterns but here are a few tips:
1. Love yourself. This is so important in what you are showing to others. When you like yourself…it shows as radiating confidence and self esteem and that in itself is very appealing. People who like themselves generally like their lives. In social settings they will be the ones who attract others easily.
2. Look for contentment and happiness in your own being. Find and cultivate at least one thing about yourself as an individual that you can take pride in. It could be a talent, a hobby, a skill you have mastered or a quality in your personality.
3. If you are a single parent, focus on your children. Too often I have heard single Moms and Dads say they are a better parent when in a relationship. This way of thinking spells problems, not only for the person you are interested in, but for your children as well.
4. Be thankful for the alone time you are spending with yourself, outside a relationship. The universe loves gratitude.
5. If you have already attracted a significant other and are in the beginning stages of the relationship, curb that eagerness to make that person the center of your existence. A relationship is just one area of your life, not your entire reason for living.
6. Do not give up your other social relationships and activities for the sake of spending more time with the new person in your life. Making time for friends and acitivities you are regularly involved in, gives you perspective and levels the relationship field. Most men and women I have spoken with tell me they respect this in a potential partner. It frees them from the worry that they will be suffocated in the relationship, while at the same time revealing a certain “staying power”. One woman told me she ended a relationship because her partner suddenly terminated his friendships and several of his activities, just to spend more time with her. “Not such a good thing” she said. “If he was more than willing to throw his friends and interests under the bus, he might do the same with me down the line”.
7. If you don't feel like answering his or her call or email...don't! At some point even the most available people go through a period where they don’t feel like answering that phone call or email from their significant other. But all too often they pick up the phone or jot off a reply anyway because they are worried that their partner will take the lack of response the wrong way and end the relationship. Don’t buy into it! Our feelings are indicators of where we are and where we need to be. When we get that feeling and we respond anyway…we are not only projecting onto others what we think they are feeling; we are going against our own nature.
8. Respect his or her personal space. Just because they have to work overtime, or want to play golf on Saturday, or hang out with the girls does not mean they are losing interest. Giving the other person your support in other areas of their life allows that person the freedom to be themselves and consequently strengthens the relationship.
9. Sometimes it is what it is. Resist the temptation to read meaning into something that isn’t there. You can drive yourself nuts over-analyzing everything your partner says or does. And even though love does not have set growth time lines…if you find yourself exhausted after years of investing into a relationship that doesn’t feel like it’s going anywhere, chances are it isn’t. It might be time to get out!