Old American Proverbs Updated for the Times
Old American proverbs with a new twist.
None of us are proud to be living in an urban sprawl where good looks equates to good times, but who really is going to boast about their big wife and their big barn? Anyone? No, thought not. These old American sayings are so out-dated you’d expect to see them returning to Vegas for a revival tour. We’ve decided to pick out a few and give them a little Millennium twist.
A big wife and a big barn will never do a man any harm - until you answer to her for getting caught in the barn with the neighbor’s wife.
A clean conscience makes a soft pillow - and a quiet jury.
A poor excuse is better than none at all - unless your 5 years old.
A little too late is much too late - especially for court appearances.
A smile is worth a thousand words - Unless your Mother walks in on you and your girlfriend while having sex, then its three words: oh my god - honey cover up - get out Mom. any one of those is worth saying.
A clock will run without watching it - for the batteries keep going and going and going.
A man is judged by the company he keeps - and what they're driving.
A man is the only animal that can be skinned more than once - and the second time he deserved it.
A small leak will sink a great ship - and a wave runner.
A man who marries twice is a two time loser - And two times broke, and two times alimony, and two times in therapy for a year, and two times he's paying for a car he'll never see again.
A woman thinks it takes two to keep a secret - And three to make it worthy of a lawsuit.
A good wife is the best household furniture - and when you tell her this she’ll also show you how great a boxer she is!
Believe nothing you hear, half of what you see and only one fourth of what you know to be true - and when in Washington DC just don't believe.
Better a dollar earned than ten inherited Unless your accountant says its tax free.
By candlelight every country wench is handsome - especially at the motel 6 after 19 beers.
Even the devil was an angel in the beginning - At least now he's employed at the IRS.
Every family has at least one black sheep - And he's the liberal Guilty men see guilt written on the faces of saints - and other politicians.
Gross negligence is equal to intentional wrong - And 12 million dollars.
He who hears forgets, he who sees remembers, he who does learns. - And he who votes has a voice.
Marry a handsome man and you marry trouble - unless he has 'found himself'.
Put your trust not in money but your money in trust - preferably a charitable tax free trust managed by a well known accounting firm whose audit came back clean.
Rich get richer and poor get children - and welfare social security disability checks on the 3rd of each month.
The ugliest girl makes the best housewife - just don't tell her, or she'll have half your money and you'll pay her child support for 21 years.
There are three kinds of lies: Lies, damned lies And statistics - and health care reform.
Wedlock is a padlock - unless there's a prenuptial agreement When angry count to ten before you speak, if very angry a hundred - if your about to have a total fit, walk away, go to Starbucks, and have a nonfat latte and a bran muffin.