To Say That Breaking Up is Hard to Do is a Gross Understatement
This is from guest author, "Patricia", one of your fellow Keen sisters.We both thought her experience might help others going through the same thing...Read her account below:
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My boyfriend broke up with me recently – for the third time during our 3+ year-long relationship. The breaking up didn’t start until a little over a year ago, but the fact that it happened not once, not twice, but THREE times is, at the very least, exhausting. At the most, it breeds a great deal of resentment and distrust for the other person and major insecurity for yourself if you’re always the one being broken up with. It’s hard enough to go through it once, but three times? Either I must be a masochist and don’t know it, or I truly haven’t understood the value of my love and myself. It may be a little bit from column A, but it’s mostly column B. Because I’m in the process of working to raise my self-worth, I have not spoken to him since we split (which has been over three weeks at the time of this writing). During our previous splits, no more than a week would go by before one of us initiated contact, and we still saw each other a little bit (no sexy business, though; I was at least that smart). This time, he set me up in his usual way by coming out of the blue (at least that’s how it appears on my end, but he makes up his mind first and drops the hammer on me a couple of days later) and telling me “This week isn’t good for seeing each other because I’m so busy with this and that, etc.” He knew that saying this would send me into an automatic flip out (which it did) and used it as a launching pad to say those five magic words: “I can’t do this anymore.” Your man has probably said these exact words or something similar, but you get the idea. Anyway, he did this over the phone, and said it was because he was afraid he’d change his mind if he did it in person. It was a cowardly way to do it, and I was livid! I felt hurt and disrespected, and told him that he owed it to me to do it to my face after all that we’d been through. I felt like he’d just come around the corner and delivered a Mike Tyson-style blow to my chest AND ego. His reasons/excuses for breaking up with me were the same as they’d always been: he’s embarking on a new project or taking a new class that will leave him with hardly any time to spend with me; he needs to change his life because he’s unhappy; he wants to be free and not have the responsibility of a relationship — as if our relationship is SO burdensome and his life would be happier without it. What an insult. Thanks to some very supportive friends and my own common sense kicking in to not further humiliate myself, I told him a few days later not to come over. That was the last time we spoke.
Here is someone who has been a major part of my life (too major for what he was putting down) and I a major part of his; and going from talking almost everyday and seeing each other on a regular basis to no contact at all is THE major pits. Even though I know I’m doing the right thing for myself by not contacting him, I’m spending a great deal of my mental time wondering why he hasn’t called, if he misses me, if he’s with another chick, if he’s moved on, if he’s wondering the same things about me, and if his life is indeed easier now because he doesn’t have to worry about whether or not he’s going to get in trouble for not calling. This, my dears, is not fun. It’s nerve-wracking and I get frustrated with myself for allowing my mind to go there. I have to be constantly reminded that it’s normal. And if you’re still reading this, either you’re there yourself or you know someone who is. It may feel like the end of the world, but believe me, it isn’t. Here are some ways in which I’ve been able to cope with the heartache.
Go out with friends. Seems like a no-brainer, right? Well, some people are inclined to shut themselves off from the rest of the world because they’re depressed, and wallowing is just not productive. It’s natural, and sometimes you just gotta let it burn, but you don’t have to live in it 24 hours a day. Go and see a comedy show; laughter is healing. DO NOT see any shows or movies that are overly romantic or sexual in nature. I went to a service at this new thought church for the first time, and the topic was “Sacred Sexuality”. Yeah, the last thing I want to be reminded of is how my boyfriend and I NOT having sex right now. And, DO NOT go out drinking if you like to get hammered. Alcohol is a depressant that ultimately just makes you feel worse. It has other detrimental side effects, too, like drunk texting and/or calling the ex, extreme embarrassment and morning-after regret.
Take a class. If you’ve always been interested in sewing or learning just how in the hell that mail merge thingy works in Microsoft Word, head on down to your local park district or community college. There are literally tons of new hobbies you can pick up, or just improve on some skills you already have. Or, you can focus on your mental and physical fitness by taking yoga or pilates, or doing something generally athletic. I’m going to sign up for a cardio kickboxing class because, well, I need to punch and kick some things instead of the person who deserves it.
Talk to someone. Probably THE most important tool you can have for coping with the heartache of a break up is having a trusted friend, relative, counselor, shrink, etc. to whom you can vent. It’s never healthy to hold in those emotions. I am blessed to have a few friends, a favorite auntie, and a couple of spiritual/psychic advisors in whom I regularly confide, who help me hash out my feelings and offer much needed guidance through my difficulties. If you decide to go the way of a psychic advisor, remember to find someone with whom you truly connect and who will steer you down the path of your best interest. It’s great to know whether or not your ex is coming back, but a truly caring advisor will tell you what you need to do in order improve your life in the meantime.
Stay off you your ex’s Facebook, Myspace, Twitter, etc. I’m telling you, the first time you see that your ex has taken down your photos is a little devastating. And let’s not get into some of the sketchy comments some random chicks you don’t know are leaving on his wall…and then you end up going through his entire list of friends going “Who in the hell is that girl?” If you’re like me and just can’t resist the temptation sometimes, unfriend him, and if his profile is set to private, you won’t be able to see what he may or may not be up to.
Find some spirituality. Meditate, pray, go to church, read. They’re worth a try if they aren’t a part of your usual activities. With meditating, it may seem difficult to sit for a long period of time not doing anything except breathing and trying not to think of anything, but you can try it for a few minutes a day to see if might work for you. There is a wealth of information online about how to meditate properly and a number of sites where you can go to download free meditation music. Try out http://www.squidoo.com/FreeMeditationRelaxationMusic. You can just put some on while you’re cleaning the house or driving if you just don’t want to sit there listening to Tibetan singing bowls…which happen to be very nice, by the way.
It’s also nice to know that there is a higher power working on your behalf. The Universe, God, Spirit or what have you, works to move people and situations in and out of your life to help you grow as a person. If you can give in to it, your transition during this difficult time may feel less difficult…which brings me to this next point:
Accept that you can’t change people – only yourself. I know it’s hard not to want your ex to come back and fix things and show you that he was wrong for dumping you in the first place. In fact, I’m still there, but the time needs to come when you have to let go of wanting the other person to do your bidding because, believe me, if he or she actually did, it wouldn’t be fast enough and you’ll find yourself becoming more resentful and upset. When you begin to understand that if you do things for you that make your life feel more enriched, what the other person does will slowly begin to matter less and less. I’ve been there before and can vouch for it in spite of what I’m going through right now. Why I’m going through this AGAIN is best illustrated by my final point:
Take a long, hard look at yourself. What was your responsibility in the deterioration of the relationship? I was a damn good girlfriend, but when he started to put less energy into our relationship and I was putting in the same amount and even more, it taught him that he could do just about anything and I would just take it. I showed him that his love was more important to me than my love was to him and myself by continuing to accept his less than loving, hot-and-cold behavior each time he broke up with me. While no one is perfect and the people you care about can and do sometimes hurt you, you don’t have to accept consistently horrible behavior. I’m not saying my ex was always an ass. On the plus side, he was a loving and supportive boyfriend in the beginning, and I loved the way he made me feel for a while. It was when he started to become more depressed about not being where he wants to be in life that started the drama, in part. He’s still had a number of shining moments since, but when he decided that he wanted to do certain major things in his life without me, like move to Korea to teach English, I didn’t bolt in the other direction, and I probably should have. Instead, I let him dump me, come back, dump me again a couple of months later, come back and dump me again eight months later. I tried to break up with him a couple of months before this last time, but he wanted to work things out. As much as it would’ve hurt, I should’ve kept on walking.
My point is that, if you’ve been in this position, you need to ask yourself why you allowed your partner to treat you in a less than loving and respectable way. Do you have enough going on in your life that this other person won’t become the center of your universe? Are you secure and happy enough with yourself that you only choose people who are the same? Was your relationship based on real love or co-dependency? Do you fear being alone? I personally have a few past issues and fears that seriously need healing. If you do, too, take this time to do just that. And remember that YOU ARE LOVED, and in the long run, that one person who didn’t do it right will not matter.
I have a friend who told me that it sucks initially when you’re trying to keep busy and fill up your life in order to distract yourself in healthy ways from the heartache of a break up. She also said that it gets easier and you may actually find a new activity that will become a core part of you. It may take some trial and error, but don’t give up. I know it hurts big time, but you just gotta trudge through it for a little while. I’m in the middle of my own storm searching for that umbrella that won’t blow backwards and break with every gust of wind. I’m super soaked right now, but I believe that the rain will subside in time, and the sun will return. It always does.