So many times we post things here or there on the internet and don't ever really realize how it can help change a persons life, in a postive or negitave way. Here is what a reader of the Blog had sent to me via Facebook.com and again here on the DAPC Blog. Hello, I have come to this via face book, and have been seeking guidance from Spirit…. I am in awe. Practically every one of the toxic relationship points apply to me. I am feeling so low at the moment. I am a mother of three teenage children, and their father was an addict/alcaholic, and abuser on evry level to me. He committed suicide three years ago.. Now, i am in a relationship…..and although their is not physical violence….the points you raise all apply to me…. why do i have this? It feels like others have unharmed lives but mine, right from childhood was scarred. I am made to feal so low about myself by him, but, he goes also to great lengths to ‘pamper’ me. Freinds say he is a control freak and that i am like his “harley davidson doll….to dress and do what he says when he says”. He even times me when i am on the Facebook to my family. i find myself lying to not get rebuked by him…. i want to get my power back, and feel a woman who is more than just used. I live in London U.K. any word of guidance for me? thank you…. Janet…. I responded to her just as quickly as I could with this. Janet, I am sorry about the past, but it is that turbelent road that we’ve traveled that will lead us into being the person that we will become. I know how hard it is to be alone, especially with little ones. They need a male figure in their lives yes, but not at the expense of losing yourself to the abuse cycle again be that physical, mental, spritiual, or emotional. Like most women in your situation you feel powerless because so much has been taken from you, that you lose your ’self identiy’ meaning that you no longer know who you are without someone constantly tugging your leash. The reason that you are feeling this powerlessness is because it was ‘beat’ out of you. Irregardless of who it was that did this to you or is still doing this to you, it has been taken away. I must stress some points to you, and you may or may not agree with them or even see them in yourself, but from what your friends say about him, it sounds like this may apply to you. 1. If he is controlling your every action….You are being abused 2. If you are afraid of ’speaking up’…..You are being abused 3. If your friends are conscerned for you…..Chances are they can see something that you are not allowing yourself to see. 4. He is putting you down just to dress you up, he is taking control away from you. I am currenlty dealing with a woman who has 6 children and a broken line of abusive realtionships. One of her kids committed suicide about 3 years ago, and the others have abandonment issues, and other psychological problems, and the ones that have children are repeating the pattern. She has now been divorced from this guy for about 2 years now, give or take. He was very abusive to her and the kids. He would make her eat, even when she wasn’t hungry because if she was ‘fat and ugly then no one else would want her and she would have to settle with what she can get, because there isnt another man out there that would want a hog beast for a wife….’ For the first few months after the divorce and the death of her child, I began getting her to socilize again. We began working on the things that he said were her faults. Were they…..NO, but she thought that they were and that is all that mattered. I asked her ‘what is one thing that you want more than anything right now?’ She looked at me and shyly said “I would like to look beautiful again, because I just feel ugly.” So I said “Okay, then lets go have a day with the girls.” We went to a makeup counter in the local mall where she bought herself some makeup and had a facile done, and walked out of there with a whole new set of makeup for under $200 USD. When we got back to the car and she sat down she started shaking and crying, I asked her what was wrong and she said “I am going to get in so much trouble for spending this money, what the f**k am I doing…” I held her hand and said “why are you going to be in trouble? Who are you answering too?” And she turned and looked at me and smiled and said “your right, I forgot that he is no longer going to be at home when I get there. I am so use to haivng to spend every last dime on him and the kids that I never get to do something for me.” I held up a mirror to her and I said “say hello to the new YOU! This is the YOU that was lost inside. This is the youthful YOU that he tried to take away. This is the YOU that has always been deep down inside.” That next night we went to a local bar for some social interaction. Like an abused caged animal taking its frist steps from its captive habitat she stepped into the room. Done up in a new outfit and new makeup she took the center stage of the whole room. She whispered to me “They are all looking at me, they think that I am just some fat ugly chick who is trying to be cute.” And I said “well hello (name of her abusive spouse) how are you tonight. Well I really dont care how you are, because it is no longer about you, and no one invited you along with us. You are a evil bastard who can only do evil things because that is all that is in your heart. Tonight it is about (name of client) and me having a wonderful time out on the town. You are no longer welcomed in her life, and I sure as hell dont want you in my life so good bye, you have no power over her, and you have no reason to stay, you need to leave….” And you know that by addressing her ‘inner demon’ which was the abusive toxin that was left over from her relationship with him, you could see a dramatic change in her posture and character. That night she danced with a few good looking men, had a few drinks and for the first time in over 17 years, lived a little as HER not as HER and HIM. Finding your identiy agin is hard, because once you lose it, and allow yourself to become what someone else wants you to be is sometimes a up hill battle that many lose and just settle for being what that other person wants them to be. Janet, what I would suggest for you is taking those small steps to regain freedom. Confront your fears, and put them in their place one by one. I am very sure you are a beautiful woman, full of a viberance that many never see, because it is foreshadowed by these self loathing assholes that want to keep you down at their boots. YOU DO NOT NEED A MAN OR ANYONE ELSE TO COMPLETE YOU. If you feel unhappy with the guy who you are with right now, and feel empty inside, then girl throw his bum ass to the curb. There are a great deal of proper gentelmen out there that would be willing to take you on. Make a list of who you were before you began seeing him and the man that you were with before him. Compare and Contrast the two objectively and judgmentally. And try to pin point where things when from good to bad to worse. And work on retracing those steps that brought you to where you are today, and watch as you asend to the person you will be tomorrow. YOU and your KIDS do not need this type of person or behavior in their lives. You are a beautiful person with a lot to give, why not give back to yourself and your wonderful children. If you dont want to do something or dont agree with something, then stand up for yourself. Don’t coward down to the possibality of a verbal fight. Even though he may yell and scream, remember you can always tell him to leave, or you yourself can leave. And once you have kicked him out or you have walked out the door, dont look back or let him back in because that is a cycle of abuse that isn’t good. No one wins in that situation. Say this mantra to yourself daily: “I am a strong beautiful woman how is deserving of love, and respect. I am a beautiful rose in a bed of weeds. Though my life may be filled with adversity, I am faithful that the almighty will see me through and guide my steps. I am a wall, an impregntble fortress of love and devotion to myself and my children. I will no long allow pain and suffering into mylife as well as their’s. I will stand tall, when others will see me fall. I am beautiful, I am woman, I am strength.” I hope and prey for the very best for you and your children Janet. Please keep me informed and updated. Love and Light Mr. Overon! ------------------------------- The point is that YOU do not have to have someone in your life to make you feel whole, espically if the person is being mean to you. In Janet's case she has had her spirit broken down so much that she has no where else to turn. This is exactly why I have created this blog, and put forth so much effort to promote my phone services @ 1-800-275-5336 *03732137 is because I know how it is to not be heard, and to feel like your emotions and feelings are not valid, and that you are alone. This is not true. YOU deserve the rights and respects that everyone is entitled to. YOU deserve to be happy. YOU deserve to have a partener in your life that is complementry to you and YOUR needs. My phone service is listed as Psychic Advice/Tarot Card Reader, however, I am there for so much more. And these are the types of things that I love to help with. Though I tell her a story about how I have helped this other person, I am doing so to point out that she is not the only woman who has been through a simular experience, nor that I am new to this type of help. The story that I shared with her is very true, and is very much a part of me, because it is someone within my own family that I had to help when no one else within the family would help. So please read this with an open heart and if you know of anyone who can benifit from this posting or maybe something else within this blog, please point them in this direction, it could be the thing that saves their life. If you or anyone else needs some live advice or someone they can talk to please call me at 1-800-275-5336 *03732137 Mr. Overon!