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Article: Friendship with Benefits

I know for many of out there this will be a sensitive topic. The reason being because you may be caught in the middle of this type of relationship. A friendship with benefits is a relationship were you are friends with someone whom you would to be more romantically involved but your stuck in the middle. The middle point being sexual. You have the connection of being friendly towards each other, hanging out, having many things in common but no romantic relationship or commitment. Then every so often you both cross the boundary and be sexually or intimate with each other. Many times there is one person who wants this friendly sexual interlude to turn into a serious relationship. For the most part its a female who gets easily attached to the man and hopes one day by giving a intimate part of themselves it will one day turn into a serious relationship. Many times it does not.

Men can separate sex from intimacy. For men sex can simply be sex, nothing more nothing else. It just adds extra kudos that its someone they already know and they don't have to try so hard to impress. I remember asking a guy when was the last time he had sex and his answer was "three weeks ago" then he replies "but it was with a friend". Then as I continue talking to him I ask him "when was the last time you went out on a date" and his reply was " two years ago". Doesn't that make you think " Hmmm let me add the math here" How can this guy just have sex with a friend and yet went out on a real date two years ago. Simple! He didn't see his friend whom he had sex with as someone he really wanted to be romantically involved, she was a friend who he had sex with.  There was another guy who later became my boyfriend I remember asking him when was the last time he had sex and his response was " a year ago...with a friend" Then I asked him when he went out on a date and he said  " three years ago". These are not made up answers, by the way, these are facts.

If you are caught in a "friendship with benefits" type of relationship and you want it to get more serious then you will want to ask some important questions to your friend. For example

·         How do you see me?

·         If I am your friend then why are we having sex?

·         Do you like me only as a friend?

 

You have to take the chance and approach this person about your greatest concern because majority of the time I have noticed with many out there that if your caught in a friendship with benefits type of relationship you stand a good chance it will not turn into anything else but a friendship with sex. You can take control of this situation by not being sexually involved with this person. If they still like you and want to spend time with you with no sex then this can be someone of importance that can turn into a romantic relationship. If you noticed this person pulling away your first reaction will be to give in, but your just making it easy for them. You need to stand up for yourself and let them know " if your just looking for a friendship with benefits then it wont be with me". This person will compromise when they see how much you mean to them. They will compromise. I keep repeating it because you need to give yourself proper credit. You are a good person and don't need to settle.  If you ever feel that your friendship is in question you can always call me and we can talk about this issue.

 

Psychic Readings $1.89/min

 

Cynthia

The Psychic One

800-275-5336 ext 0234

www.thepsychicone.com

Published Friday, January 08, 2010 8:00 PM by the psychic one

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Comments

# re: Featured Article: Friendship with Benefits @ Saturday, February 09, 2008 2:00 PM

Great article!

Alex

# re: Featured Article: Friendship with Benefits @ Thursday, February 05, 2009 7:13 AM

This is a really great article. It really enpowers women to be in the kind of relationships they want and they deserve. Sometimes we all need to be reminded that we NEVER need to settle. Thank you.

jennifer1016

# Dissenting Opinion @ Thursday, February 05, 2009 1:35 PM

I am a fan of "Friends with Benefits".  I can completely relate to what the men have said when I am asked those two specific questions.

I can detach emotions and intimacy from sex. I can also combine them with the right partner.  

So I am a bit lost and confused as to if a man is an "FB" why would you be hanging out with them other than for a sexual encounter in the first place?  The whole concept is to have a no strings sexual based mutually beneficial situation.  To expect or hope for anything more I don't understand.

I also don't understand why I need the 'respect' of a person I am having pnly having sex with.  I don't put my self worth or self value based on someone I barely know and don't really wish to know on a level other than the sexual compatibility.

I don't see where the whole settling for something less than what you deserve even comes into play.  That to me shows that most women don't understand this arrangement and expect far more than what it really is.  And there is nothing shameful or undeserving about having a few orgasms here and there.

There is nothing wrong with that.

I can't imagine asking someone I'm only having sex with how they see me. I personally don't care. I just know how I see them. As far as being a friend, I shouldn't have to ask that either.  I determine if I consider them a friend or not and if we shag on occasion? Great.  Still that doesn't mean there is a commitment or a relationship so why nag a sex partner about "where is this going" because it is what it is.  Once you do that, you've broken the understanding that the situation is a no strings attached because you just put a string on it. Time to say "thanks but I'm done".  

Generally speaking don't have sex with a man if you have hopes it will turn into something more. That's just setting yourself up for disappointment. Just do it because you want to get laid.

MaggieInDC

# re: Featured Article: Friendship with Benefits @ Saturday, February 07, 2009 6:34 AM

Great article Cynthia and interesting comment by Maggie.

It's been my own observation that for most women sex is both an emotional and physical expereince. It is very, very difficult for most of us to separate one from the other, and making love to someone often does binds us them on an emotional level. There are some women, like Maggie, who can separate the two, but I think that is the exception and not the rule.

Sadly, there are many women out there who believe they are not complete without a man and they will do anything to get one. I'm not a shrink, but I think oftentimes these women have self-esteem issues, and I think these women in particular are the most vulnerable and can easily fall into the "Friendship With Benefits" trap.

The old adage, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" applies.  If you are looking for a commitment you are better off making your desires known BEFORE you hit the sheets, even if it means losing the "friendship."

"Friendship With Benefits" is just a polite way of saying he's using you sexually. And who needs a "friend" who would use you like that?

"Marina"

marinachristie

# re: Featured Article: Friendship with Benefits @ Monday, February 09, 2009 4:20 PM

I'd like to respond to Cynthia's comment of "...he's using you sexually.  And who needs a 'friend' who would use you like that?

This is where I wish women would realize as I have managed to realized early in my life that we are only 'used' when we allow people to 'use' us.

However we have the capacity, as humans, as people, to flip any situation around.  If a man is using you for sex, why can't you use HIM for sex?

I don't mean to sound harsh or vulgar, but it is our vagina.  If we choose to explore our sexuality with a man and nothing more, we can do that.  

If you have sex in hopes for something more than sex, or as I stated, getting laid, there is an esteem issue.

I've come across many women inviting me for a threesome due to my sexuality and experience only to be told "If I do this, he'll like me more".  Thats when I adamantly decline.  You never, ever, ever have sexual relations on any level - casual or inimitate - for a man to like you more.  

You indulge in a sexual experience because you WANT to have that experience.  And most times, the fantasy is better than the reality.

Since we are now in an age in which technology can cause for a lot of anymosity it is easier to find casual sex partners, to explore.  I just suggest to be safe, be smart, explore if you want to, but never, ever, do it to try to find love or acceptance.

We as woman dictate who and what WE choose to do with our bodies... and for our physical and sexual pleasure.  Do not ever hand over that choice or power to some man you met on a dating site that will pressure your or make suggestions to you that don't feel right.

This is where intuition and intellect come into play.  What is it that YOU want.  Do those that come into your path meet those requirements? You are the one who can determine if they are worthy or not.  You do not need their respect nor do you need to worry about what they think of you after.

I know I am unconventional in my thinking, but I definitely feel that anyone who feels incomplete needs to fulfill those needs and their desires themselves and realize that casual sex arrangements are not for them.

Freinship with Benifits arrangements, or casual sexual relationships are not a trap. To me, they are a way in which we can explore ourselves through sexual experiences with others that help us learn who we are, what we like so that when we do meet someone who is "worthy" of our true selves, our times, our energy and thoughts, that we know what we want and expect from them on a sexual plane.

COnsidering that sexuality is a large part of relationships, what is viewed by Cynthia as a trap or as others may see as a trap, I see as a good learning experience without the obligations or pressure that an involved relationship may otherwise apply.

Again, sexuality can be sexuality. Intimacy can be intimacy.  For examply.. I can have a one night stand or booty call.. no problem if I feel he is worth my time and energy. (I have little time to spare on bullshit talk and bad sex).  A man who wants to watch a movie with me and cuddle on the couch is intimate and I feel that has to be earned even though there is no sex involved.  

As mentioned, I can combine the two, but thats only for those I feel I choose to enter that arena and have earned that right and that I have chosen to allow into my world.

Women that read this, my bottom line message is this... we choose THEM, we don't need to sit around hoping they choose us... frig that.  Its your time, your energy, your sexuality, but the keys in your hand and drive the car.  We don't always have to be the passengers in this ride called life.

Tell yourself this mantra: "I DO WHAT I WANT!"

MaggieInDC

# re: Featured Article: Friendship with Benefits @ Monday, February 09, 2009 4:57 PM

I realized I stated "Cynthia" where as I meant "Marina".

I also as a poster cannot edit and apologize for my apparent typos.  

I do thank all those that take the time to read these posts.  I do thank Cynthia, rightfully so, to bring forth a topic that is otherwise taboo to light and the different angles involved.

Mags!

MaggieInDC

# re: Featured Article: Friendship with Benefits @ Monday, October 26, 2009 3:51 AM

This is a great post and really opens the door to conversation about an important topic. Thanks so much Cynthia for sharing it with us.

I tend to think that perhaps we (females) are victims of the past rhetoric that implies "we really don't need or like sex!"  I agree with with Mags that it is okay to have just "sex with no strings" if you are aware that it will be just that and no more.  Where we get into trouble is when after having sex with a friend that you begin to have stronger feelings for your friend and decide that you want to change their outlook about your relationship.  That is where the trouble starts.  

Ideally if we are looking for a quick roll in the hay I would advise women to not settle on just one friend!!  Of course then society would rapidly label you as a "slut" or a "wanton women" or some other disgusting label.  

Some women, especially women with strong careers, do not want the complications of marriage and have mini affairs to satisfy their sexual desires just like men do as we all have seen. When they do want to settle down then I believe they have to change their habits and be more concerned with finding men with the attributes of a partner for life.  

I think we have to move past the old stereotypes that label women as just someone who is out to find a partner to support her etc. Many women are fully capable of supporting themselves.  

I would advise anyone having a "buddy with fringe benefits" to realize it for what it is and when you are ready for a long term relationship that you walk away from the sexual aspect of the relationship with your buddy.

Like Mags said so well..."We don't always have to be passengers in this life"!  I love this statement and think it should be adopted as a motto for all females even if we are one of the "over the hill gang"!

Rosie  

Rosalea

# re: Featured Article: Friendship with Benefits @ Monday, October 26, 2009 11:54 AM

Hi,
It was very interesting to read all the comments. More so, as I am in a relationship, and facing these very issues. We women do tend to regard sex as an emotional as well as physical experience.....becomes quite difficult to separate the two.

But wouldn't these questions, posed to the date/ friend put him off? I say ths as historically, men run miles from answering any questions or see it as a way of tying them down to a commitment.

fishy one

# Psychlic @ Wednesday, February 03, 2010 5:03 AM

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posted in this post compelled me to reply here and appreciate your good work. I just bookmarked your blog.

Psychic

# Psychlic @ Wednesday, February 03, 2010 5:04 AM

Hmm Well I was just searching on Google for some psychic readings and psychic articles and just came across your

blog, generally I just only visit blogs and retrieve my required information but this time the useful information that you

posted in this post compelled me to reply here and appreciate your good work. I just bookmarked your blog.

Psychic

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