First I would like to apologize for this taking longer to get up than I had stated, but we had some road work done here and they knocked out the Cable and Internet lines so we have been without our computers and TV’s for a few days.
Secondly I would like to thank everyone who were to bashful to leave a response and email me about my doing this. I stopped counting at 20 but I am sure there were about 40 emails. Each and every one of them was wonderful. THANK YOU.
So lets get going on that instruction manual of God’s in the Bible. Title: The Song of Solomon, or perhaps in your version, the Song of Songs—eight power packed very explicit and highly practical chapters on the topics of love, sex and intimacy.
“Why haven’t I ever heard about this?” you may ask. As I said last week for many people the Song of Solomon is a mystery book of the Bible. Tucked among the books of the Bible in the section called the Wisdom Literature, the Song of Solomon has the distinction of being the only book of the Bible that seems to have been edited and censured by The Church. Most Christians, and/or Spiritually incline people don’t read it, those who do few understand it, and have never heard a sermon from it.
Yet no message could be more needed today. The Song of Solomon is the book for this generation, in my opinion.
This book takes a specific couple and gives seven snapshots related to attraction, dating, courtship, sexuality, and marriage. In two of the Chapters, we watch the couple fight and resolve their conflict. We see how their devotion deepens the longer they are married. We encounter the entire scope of their romantic and sexual relationship, form their first meeting to their passion within marriage. And all along the way, we see that there is something divine in their union. They both experience desire and passion, and yet their desire is always in the right context and timing. A passionate fire builds between them and that fire is maintained throughout their relationship.
As I have pondered this over several years at the very least, I have come to find I really can’t think of anyone better than Solomon to consult about the purity of love, sacrificial love, and lasting love. The Song that he gave us is about pure love, holy love, one that is distinct and exclusive from all others in the lives of the two people involved. It is a song about a young woman from a lowly place who fell in love with a prince, and he in turn with her. It is a song about the very essence of a passionate and committed relationship.
There is no other book like it. And there is no more important book for you to read and understand if you have any interest whatsoever in obtaining that rock solid relationship.
To what are you attracted?
Before we get too deep in our look at attraction, let’s establish one point; attraction is the first stage of any developing relationship-not only in love, but also in virtually any relationship that is formed once we are adults. If we don’t perceive a certain chemistry of being able to get along with another person, we are very unlikely to pursue a relationship long enough to develop a friendship or an ongoing business partnership, much less a marriage. Now let’s straighten out what Chemistry is? No it’s not an animal attraction between two people.
It is believed by virtually everyone that true love cannot exist without chemistry. Therefore, the conclusion most would-be lovers come to is that if they experience these intense feelings towards someone, they have the basis for an ideal and lasting relationship.
Right? Maybe not. For this definition of chemistry is limited to one's physical response to another person. It lacks an entire dimension that resides in our values, beliefs, personalities and worldview.
In order to know you have the right connection with a potential (or existing) partner, it's important to have a basic knowledge of what real chemistry consists of, instead of embracing only the myths that surround it. This can be difficult to do. This intense, physical passion is the stuff that Oscar winning movies and best-selling books are made of. So, take a step back for a minute and see if you recognize yourself in the following.
Sarah is a thirty something, very attractive and successful, professional female. She has been in a relationship for over a year with a man who is unfaithful, disrespectful and incapable (unwilling) to make any commitment to her. Yet, when he makes late night "booty calls", forgets her birthday, or stands her up repeatedly - she remains available and willing, in spite of her general unhappiness and upset over their "relationship". Why? "I think I have mistaken great sex for love. I feel this intense chemistry and physical intimacy when we are having sex, even though he offers me nothing else. Over time, it has left me unhappy and feeling badly about myself."
John is an attractive, intelligent, 30 something male who owns his own successful business. He's dating a woman that he thinks he is in love with. He has knowledge that she has been out with other men. She cancels dates and is often critical and emotionally distant. She refuses to discuss commitment or taking the relationship to the next level. Yet, she turns to John for emotional, physical and financial help whenever she feels she needs it. Why does John continue to see her? "She's beautiful and the sex is great". We have such strong physical chemistry. It's almost like an addiction for me. My friends can't stand her and even I know she's not really a "keeper", but it's hard to walk away.
These vignettes are great examples of how physical chemistry can be mistaken for the real thing. The attraction on one level is strong, yet these are not relationships that have the right elements to grow into happy and satisfying partnerships.
So, what is missing?
Kahlil Gibran defines it as "spiritual affinity". (I know what he’s been reading and interpreting, yep the Song of Solomon). It's the hidden element of chemistry. It's when two beings meet and connect on a deeper level. It can only be felt in the heart and soul. It's about friendship, respect, humor and the feelings of warmth and contentment that come when you are in his/her presence.
People often report finding one without the other. This is understandably a cause of great frustration and confusion about whom should we choose and why. In order to understand this better, it is helpful to know how and when each facet of chemistry occurs.
Physical attraction (or lust) generally begins during our first contact with someone. It can DEVELOP into something more over time, yet some pull is there from the beginning. The chemical that results from this attraction (and intensifies it) is phenyl ethylamine - or PEA. It is a naturally occurring substance in the brain. Essentially, it is a natural amphetamine. It stimulates us and increases both physical and emotional energy. The attraction causes us to produce more PEA, which results in those dizzying feelings associated with romantic love. Another substance that is released by PEA is dopamine. This chemical increases a desire to be physically close and intimately connected.
When these chemicals are being secreted in larger doses, they send signals from the brain to the other organs of the body. If you wonder why you or someone is attracted to the "wrong" person, it may be because you are high on the physical response to these substances, which overwhelm your ability to use your head and exercise "good judgment and common sense".
"Spiritual affinity" develops over time and repeated contact. When these feelings begin to emerge, the brain produces endorphins. These are more like morphine and result in an increased sense of calm that reduces anxiety and helps to build attachment. As relationships move into this phase they are characterized by more comfort, commitment and friendship.
Generally speaking, all "soul mate relationships" require at least some measure of each of these. The important thing to remember is that they come in stages, which is not to say that the physical attraction passes as one moves into a deeper connection. However, it changes. We cannot sustain those intense emotions as we travel down the road to commitment and a shared life. However, in healthy relationships those moments of intensity can and do occur for brief intervals at intermittent times.
Remember not to confuse great sex or deep friendship with romantic love. Instead, look for a measure of both of these in your feelings for another. For then you have the ingredients that lasting love is made from.
So let’s get back to Solomon. He too says attraction is two-tiered, however and we need to be aware of both tiers before we move beyond attraction into the next phase of a romantic relationship.
Physical attractions go beyond sight; it encompasses all the senses. We are attracted by a person’s voice and laughter, fragrance and cleanliness, and touch or closeness. If any aspect of the physical is a turnoff to us, there is little chance of a relationship developing let alone surviving.
Tier One: Physical attraction
In the opening verses of the Song of Solomon, we find physical attraction at work: “The song of songs, which is Solomon’s. “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth—for your love is better than wine”. (Song 1:2-2). The woman was immediately and strongly attracted to Solomon. She found him utterly intoxicating, even more so than wine. She wanted to kiss him. Believe me we all want to be thought of in this way.
The song continues, “Because of the fragrance of your good ointments, your name is ointment poured forth; therefore the virgins love you” (Song 1:3). In Solomon’s day men rarely bathed. They used scented oils and ointments on their bodies, both to keep their skin from drying out in the desert climate of the Middle East and to give a pleasing fragrance to their bodies. We do the same today with our aftershave, lotions, colognes and scented deodorants. There is attraction in fragrance, and the woman was openly complimenting the object of her attraction. She might as well have said, “Hey you’re a good-looking man, very attractive and appealing to me”.
But notice another part of that same verse: “Your name is ointment poured forth”. Here is the real key to spiritually attraction. The woman was attracted to the man physically and spiritually. She was attracted to his reputation for godliness. She even found that to be sexy, appealing to her.
Tier two: Character and Spiritually (Inward)
The second tier of attraction, much more important than the physical, is based on inner qualities—character and one’s spiritual relationship. In physical attraction, all of the magnets that draw us to another person are external, readily perceived on the outside. We don’t have to think about being physically attracted to another person. We automatically feel drawn to the person. Our response is based largely on intuition and feeling.
In Character attraction, however, what draws us to another person is rooted deep on the inside. These signs are more difficult to read and understand at times. We may not automatically feel quickly drawn emotionally to a person of good character (matching our own character). Look at what attracted this woman.
“Your name is ointment poured forth,” said the woman. This statement has been translated in some versions as, “Your name is like purified oil.”
What does “your name” mean?
It is a direct reference to Solomon’s character, virtue, and integrity—all of which flowed from his relationship with God. Purified oil is the first pressing of oil from the olive trees that covered the hills surrounding Jerusalem, where Solomon lived. The first pressing of oil—the extra virgin olive oil, the purest of the pure—was the oil used in the lampstand that burned day and night in the temple. The first pressing of any olive harvest went for temple use only. That was the first fruits offering from the olive groves; it was designated solely for the worship of the Lord. Purified oil, therefore, was the best, but even beyond the best, it was the best given to God.
That’s what the woman saw and liked as much as she admired and was attracted to Solomon’s physical presence. She responded at a deep level to the fact that the man who stood before her was a godly man with a good reputation. His “name” was holy. One’s name entails all of one’s reputation and character. It is what the person really is. Solomon was a man of integrity to the woman. She stated plainly, “Therefore the virgins love you.” In other words, all the girls she knew thought Solomon was something special. They all were attracted to his physical being and his inner character.
To the woman in the Song of Solomon, it was a wonderful thing for Solomon to be handsome, sweet-smelling, and highly kissable. It was even more wonderful thing for him to have a godly character. She was attracted to him on both tiers, outward and inward.
To rape up this week blog…So often today, girls/women will say about a guy, “He’s a real hunk.” The question begs to be asked, “A hunk of what?” And the guys say about the ladies, “She’s a hottie” does that mean she can read a recipe and cook? What is needed in a rock solid relationship is not just the physical attraction but most importantly is our belief structure to be the same, our moral and values. And understanding that the inner attraction takes time to find out how much of it exists between the two of you.