"Walk toward the Light" By: Arkansas Angel

The power of 10

The Power of Ten

Where did I come up with this... well, it just popped into my head. But, not without a reason. I am having to learn some pretty powerful lessons, even in my old age of 44 (Gosh about to 45 in just a few short months). But, what I am having to learn is how to hold my breath and count to ten before we say something we may regret. I also have learned that sometimes it helps to vent in writing somethings down, whether it be physically on a peice of paper or to open up a new word document and write there. But, sometimes venting elsewheres than at the people we love. It also helps to sort out your feelings and how you really feel, before you actually GO to that person that the message is intended for. Even in text messages you have to kind watch how you say things. I am one of those people that even when I write a letter, or email message or even in my text messages, I THINK about what I am saying and even then I will revise and edit what I say. I believe in showing respect to others as I want them to show ME respect. But, I also know that if you come off being grouchy, pushy or short, it will sometimes hurt exactly what you were trying to accompish and without meaning to. I also have learned with the power of ten that walking away sometimes and letting yourself calm down and process what was said  before you reaact.

I have still to learn the power of ten in my own life, as sometimes I do over-react to things and I have to battle this on a daily basis, but alot of that has to do with my own insecruities... which is another story entirely.

You see I have someone in my life I love very much, but we both have crossed some major bridges in our lives, but at different times. So 90% of the time the power of ten is what helps me and venting on paper, microsoft word and the shoulders of my friends. But patience is something else we learn with the power of ten.

Living in the past

I am a divorced woman, but have been married 4 times. My first marriage was for love, we were young, thought we knew how to handle love and the responsibility of a relationship and being married. NOPE---wrong, we were too immature and had a lot more growing up to do and had to get a lot of other things out of our systems. It was very painful to walk away from each other, but 18 years later (the year of 911), we both found closure after beating ourselves up for over a decade.

Lesson there, well sometimes we can chase a dream or what we thought was something or someone we loved. When in reality, 18-20 years later, you find out the person you loved no longer exists. You see Eric and I (after he parted ways from his second wife) ran into each other and decided 18 years later to date again, we dated for 6 months and broke up a week before 911. Why we decided to date again? Guilt maybe, thought we still loved each other still,  who knows. But what we found were two totally different people. He was no longer the young man I knew, nor was I the young woman he knew and married. I called myself a girl back then, because my mentality and his was about that..... teenagers. What I found was a man in his late 30's who had done drugs and alcohol for so many years that he no longer even looked the same. He and I are the same age and a store patron misstook him to be my father. But, at one point he had told me he wanted the girl back that he loved so many years ago--well the same goes for me. I was no longer 22 years old and 120 lbs. I was a 30 something woman who was now about 150 lbs and had a teenage son, and I owned my own home. I told him that she had went out the window years before. We discovered we both were very different, not just in looks, but in WHO we were. We found out we wasted a lifetime living in the past over someone we no longer knew. The people we loved didnt exist anymore. We parted ways, but had learned a valuable lesson and was able to finally close the door on the past.

I know a lot of people that live in the past, cannot seem to let it go, they let past hurts guide them today in how they treat other people or how close they want to get to someone. I know people that are still carrying a torch for someone that has been long gone for years. Instead of living in the "present" they are loving people they will never see again, and if they did, they will be shocked to find someone totally different.

I quit living in the past--I don't even like to talk about it. I have to really know someone and trust someone to let them in on some of my past. I want to move forward--live in the present and for the future.

My lesson to all of you.... LIVE FOR TODAY AND IN THE PRESENT, let the past go.

Is it called "rape"

Today I will share a story about myself, its a bit personal, but none of you really know me. So, I feel it would be okay to post, my friends or family will not read this.... only my clients and those I think it may help.

I'm a 44 year old southern woman, lived most of my life in Arkansas. I attended school though in Oklahoma and graduated from a small class from a very small town. Everyone knew everybody pretty well.

When I was 14--I was young and innocent like most of my peers and being the year of 1978. Things were a bit different then that they are today. Kids were innocent and were not as worldly as most teens are today. I thought about hanging out with my friends, riding my bicycle and just being a kid. I was a bit of a tomboy but turning into a lady slowly.

I had one boyfriend in when I was junior high, he rode the same bus I did and lived in a coal mining community not far from where I lived, which was about 2 miles. I was beginning to notice boys like any normal 14 year old girl and well, I developed the body of a woman quite early in my life--starting my menuses at 11 years old. So I had breasts, though small and a defining waist and hips like most young woman, only weighing maybe 102 at that time at 5'4". This in itself is very confusing to the young lady that is more developed than her peers. It also causes most of the boys who are older to notice you in a way you are not really prepared for or understand.

The way I was raised was simple in simple times, my parents were not rich, nor did I wear Nike or any other name brand clothing. I wore what I was given and what my folks could afford. I was not allowed to wear much makeup at 14 or wear earrings that dropped below my earlobes. Black was definately too old for me and I was inspected when I left the house each morning for school to see if my shirt was too low or buttoned at a acceptable level of modesty. I wore my hair very short, the style that was in at the time.

One weekend I was with my friend, whom I hung out with all the kids in my neighborhood and living out in the country that stretch was up to 3 miles. We were with a bunch of the neighborhood boys, one was my first and only boyfriend from junior high, though broke up at this time. He was two years older than me, and in the 10th grade, his name was "Kenneth". That day I wore a halter top without a bra of course and a pair of white short shorts. I was told I was way too sexy for a girl my age (duh, like I could help it). The boys told me I was being a tease because of what I had on.... ahhh my shorts didn't ride up my bottom.

Kenneth drug me (him being about 5'11 at the time and outweighing me) out to this barn, I kept telling him "no" the whole time but without much success. I was a virgin, being barely 14 and in the 8th grade. School had just begun... it was like late September, early October, very warm still for Oklahoma. I had only kissed one boy before this happened. Kenneth being bigger than I was ripped my clothes off and forced me onto the ground, I was scared to death. He took me and it  hurt and I cried. I didn't know it at the time, but all his friends were up in the loft watching and saw me without my clothes. He thought he was a big man because he had forcably took my virtue that I was saving. I put my clothes on and walked down the country road crying and shaking... I discovered I was bleeding, well I wasn't exactly knowledgable about such things back then of "why". I went back to where these boys were and yelled at them, they laughed at me and threw a kotex at me. My shorts were tore and the white was now red.

After that day my self image was shattered, someone had written on the bathroom wall that I had banged all those boys and called me a whore--the truth being I was humiliated and was raped. These same boys some months later locked me in a bedroom and refused to let me out until I gave all of them sex of some kind. I said no and to my great God managed to get away from them. I hated all of them after that, but hated myself too. I would wear my coat covering my body--thinking everyone could see that I was dirty.

What is so bad is I lost all self-esteem and thought little of myself after that, I dated some... not much. Most of the guys that wanted to go out with me wanted my body only. So I didn't date much. By the time I hit high school I had turned into a swan, I was beautiful, able to wear makeup and dressed nicely for that era's fads. I was still very thin always on some fad diet, thinking I was fat all the time... only being 108 pounds when I was 18 and a senior in high school. I dated one guy in high school and he was 5 years older than me and NOT from the town I graduated from. He was the first guy I had sex with willingly... I was only 17 at that time and a junior in high school. Again, I didn't date much---no self-esteem and any of the guys I thought were cute in my high school I stayed away... never thought they would look twice at me. Back then I used to drown my pain in pot and alcohol.

I no longer drink and I no longer have anything to do with any kind of drugs... I straightened my life out.... I ending up marrying at age 22 and had a child a few years later... he was my reason to give it all up. NOW at the age I'm at.... I've dealt with alot of my past and the issues I had and things I went through. I no longer have low self-esteem, it took many years and forcing myself to see who I really was. Also counseling and group therapy helped me. I like the lady I have become.... if I could help everyone out there that has had there self-respect beat all to hell because of something someone else has done to them I would. It took a long time to realize I didn't have to be a victim and none of it was my fault or a reflection on who I was. WE have to look within to find ourselves and refuse to be mistreated or abused or put ourselves in sitiuations that are not healthy for us. This goes along with people we choose to live with or marry. Sometimes we get with people that are NOT healthy for us out of some kind of need. I refuse to want to fix anyone on that level anymore, it only causes more pain and problems in the end when you realize you are with the wrong person.

Lesson on all this: Refuse to be a victim, reach out to others and get help. Reach within and look at who you really are... we are all worthy human beings that are able to love, give and be needed, but in healthy ways. Talk to a friend, guidance counselor, or seek professional help... don't let it ruin you.

It ruined part of my life, because I let it..... I ended up with wrong people and therefor more miserable. Because I had no self-esteem. I didn't think I was good enough for the guy next door. Meaning: If he was nice and I mean really nice and cute... ahhh I ran the other way. Don't waste your life.... get help.

Expect Good Things--Part 1

EXPECT GOOD THINGS

by: Lynne Gerard

Don't give up,

Don't give in

to feelings of failure;

doubts

come and go, just as seasons do ...

When all

that is good

seems lost, remember that

life is a

circle,

and promise

is on the horizon.

Life Changes

I'm recently divorced and realized on my journey of healing a lot of things about myself that have changed. I have also noticed the way I handle relationships in my life--much better. :-)

I used to be a "open-book", I told people, family, friends, potential lovers too much about myself, my past. What happened to me being married changed me, I'm more positive... a metamorphasis that took place over a 10 year period. Negativity doesn't have a place in my life anymore, I cannot let it rule or control me. I try to tackle each day and deal with today and leave the past behind and look forward to the future. But, I have noticed I don't tell people much about myself anymore, I keep a lot to myself. The past is not important to me anymore and feeding into that negativity is no more. What importance does it have in my life now, just like I have to ask myself when faced whether to tell someone something about me, "Hmmmm, is it important they know this? Is it going to make or break what they think?" I also ask, "am I just wanting to play the victim, be a drama queen, does it really matter". NOOOOOO!!! That is the answer I always get. I have a friend in my life currently that is really important to me, our friendship is growing--but after nearly 8 months he still knows very little about my past. Is it important to spill our guts... no its not. Those that we care about, be it new friends, old friends or our family... don't have to know all to care about us. I thinks its important to see us as we are today and to enjoy who we are to them.

Next time I will write about "rushing into things" be it relationships or other things in our lives and the decisions we make. ;-)