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Thursday, February 28, 2008 4:32 PM

HOW DOES HE FEEL?

HOW  DOES  HE  FEEL?

The most frequently asked question is:  How does he FEEL?

Underneath this question are unspoken beliefs: 
1)  Feelings determine actions;
2)  Feelings determine outcomes;
3)  Feelings are consistent;
4)  Feelings are easily hidden;
5)  Feelings rule relationships;
6)  Feelings are reciprocal (if I feel the "connection", so does he).

None of these unspoken beliefs are true.

Feelings do NOT NECESSARILY determine actions, especially in a man.  Women (and I know this is a generalization) tend to give more credence to feelings as a determinant of actions than men do.  A woman will change her entire course of study, living situation, job, and marital status based almost solely on feelings.  Rarely have I seen a man do that, but it happens here and there.

Feelings change, and are rarely consistent, and that's true for everyone.  We all send "mixed signals" and can cause "confusion" in friends and lovers, because all of us tend to be in a state of flux.  We take in information, we process it, we try to make sense of our lives, and for the most part, we monitor ourselves and what we choose to do each day based on our experiences, philosophies, wants, needs, morals, ethics, obligations, responsibilities, and feelings. 

Feelings are quite obvious, and it is a rare woman whose intuition doesn't tell them - almost exactly at any given time - how a man FEELS about them.  If, after spending plenty of time with a man, you can't figure out how he feels (hard to believe, by the way), then ASK.  If you are in a healthy, mature relationship with a normal adult, asking simple questions about how things are progressing should be easy, normal, and productive.  If you can't ask, you are with the wrong person. 

If, however, you are one of the many women who just can't or won't carry on a productive conversation about feelings and intentions, then step back, and with all the honesty you can muster, pay attention to his actions.  Actions tell everything.

Feelings cannot be hidden, and even the most subtle thought and feeling will register in the body via body language and facial expression.  Beyond that, feelings will always be displayed in a man's choices. 

If you have wonderful times together here and there, and then you don't hear from him for days or weeks, he doesn't love you, and it shouldn't take a blog to tell you that.  Your own common sense should be screaming:  hey, he's a jerk!

Feelings do not rule relationships.  Even if a man SAYS "I Love You", he may not act on it.  He may not be consistent, call, make plans, introduce you to his parents and close friends, and think about settling down.  Words are the easiest and most productive way that women are manipulated by men and the most frequently used manipulative phrase is "I Love You", so even if you hear those words, and your heart leaps, your common sense and good judgment need to be turned onto "high" so you can pay close attention as to whether his actions back up his words

Are all men evil?  No!  Few are!

Are all men "scared", "afraid", or "confused"?  No!  No!  No!  If you are consistently told by a "psychic" that your boyfriend is "scared", get another opinion! 

Men are NOT scared!  They go to war.  They drive fast cars!  They take great risks in business!  Men by nature are anything BUT scared, so get it completely out of your female brain that your boyfriend loves you but is SCARED to commit.  He's not.  He just doesn't want to commit, because if he did want to, he would.

Here's what men FEEL:
They feel they need you to see the good in them and point it out;
They feel they want to be with someone who needs them;
They feel they want to be appreciated;
They feel they'd like to give you the world, but since they are on a slim budget, they'd like to think we understand they do their best with what money they have;
They feel they would go to the ends of the world for you, if only you'd appreciate it, but since you don't appreciate the small things they do (like work themselves to death), they are unlikely to leave town on your behalf because they know you wouldn't "get it";
They feel you don't like them very much because you let them know with whining and complaining every time they screw up;
They feel they can't be themselves, because when they are, your face is so ugly it would stop an eight day clock and they get the silent treatment;
They feel you are superior to them because you act like it and no amount of being accommodating to you seems to change your opinion;
They feel that if they were to commit to you, you would suffocate the life out of them, take their money, and refuse to let them see their kids;
They feel you are beautiful and sexy exactly the way you are, and don't understand why you have to be on every diet all the time and refuse to go places if you can't fit into your skinny jeans;
They feel they would become just like their miserable married friends who tell them secretly "don't do it" when the subject of commitment comes up.

Once in a great while - less and less frequently as the years go by - a woman will call me and ask how she can make herself more lovable to a man. 

After I drop my phone in utter shock and surprise, I'm happy to tell them:

1)  Love yourself and be content.  No one wants to fall in love with a malcontented, desperate, empty shell.
2)  Be honest with yourself about the men you date, and don't spend a minute with a person who doesn't meet your criteria of what you are looking for.  You cannot make him over to suit your specifications, so get a man you truly RESPECT and ADMIRE and APPRECIATE and make sure you let him know that NO ONE could EVER replace him.
3)  Understand men.  Work at this and read about how men really operate.  They are not underachieving women.  They are actual people with brains that are wired differently.  They don't like to talk until they have SOLVED problems - they do not talk TO solve problems, like women do.
4)  Yes, you can live without a man, we all know that.  But if you want a man in your life permanently, you better act like he's necessary, appreciated, and irreplaceable.

The next time you are asking yourself "HOW DOES HE FEEL? ask another question instead:  "Why do I have to ask myself this question?"  Do you have false beliefs about what feelings really mean?  Or are you just plain in the wrong relationship with the wrong person doing the wrong things at the wrong time? 

It's rare, in a good relationship, that anyone has to ask this question, ever.  So if you find yourself wondering, it's time re-examine how you pick people, and whether a man who keeps you in the dark about his feelings is really a person you want in your life at all.





posted by Ask Grace | 4 Comments