Learning the first time so we don't have to do it again.....
The only people in this world that we can learn the most from, the ones who stretch us beyond our emotional comfort zones are the ones we care about.
Do we forget and neglect ourselves and our needs because we are fearful?
Do we allow the ones we want the most to treat us badly and disrespect us because we are afraid to tell them what we want?
Do their words match their actions?
Do they say what they mean and mean what they say?
Do we mean what we say and say what we mean towards them ?
Do we confront them when they don't call when the say they will?
Do we set up unhealthy patterns of behavior with them?
Do we become we passive aggressive when they do things we do not like ?
Remember at the beginning of a relationship is the best we are going to get from them. And the most important thing of all is are we being HONEST with ourselves about what we want from the relationship or are we making excuses to ourselves when they behave badly? Just some food for thought to help us examine our intentions and motivations in any relationship. Dating is like a job interview, you need to asses if you want to hire this person to be in your life hopefully for the rest of it, and if you even want a second interview with them, it's all up to you, the lessons are there to learn from them....
Joan
When I joined keen I called way too much and way too long about someone.... and I often wonder if when I was in the calling frenzy that I created myself if I would have been able to handle had I been told that he was not coming back?
But would that have been the TRUTH?
Or is *TRUTH* relative to the situation? the choices that we have yet to make?
Or was that ONE of the truths?
Or is truth like a trip to the salad bar where no one comes away with the same stuff on their plate?
Are we all blind when it comes to the issues we cause that get in the way of us truly getting what we want?
Are we afraid to hear when we are messing up?
Or do we also have to question the motivations of the people delivering the *news* ? Is their ego involved and caught up in their prediction?
What of predictions do not happen? Why do they not happen? Did I play a role in them not manifesting? Was it as simple as someone changing their mind? Do I want the right to change my mind and if so I cannot take that away from others because they do not do what I want them to when I want them to...... Was I not able to hear what I was told because it was not what I wanted to hear? Do I call back again and again only to be told the same thing and STILL not listen? Am I hanging on desperately days, weeks and months after the end of a short relationship hoping they will come back to me because I am unable to let go?
The one thing I have figured out is that I won't always be right nor am I arrogant enough to believe that I could be but what I do know is that I will be truthful to the best of my ability when I read because that is what we all deserve when we get a reading even if you can't handle the truth..... the truth will always set you free even if you do not like to hear it at the time, it might be hard to hear at that time but it will always come out in the end.
The one thing I see repeated all too frequently lately is the thinly veiled or not veiled at all disapointment in the reactions or responses to the timing questions as to when is someone coming back, when are they going to change or when it that job going to land in their lap etc... I have to tell you what I get when I am asked a question, and I will always be honest with what does come up regardless of what anyone else who read for you got, expect me to tell you what I got when I asked the question you posed to me. I cannot make him/her come back to you sooner or at all. I cannot help you get that job sooner, I cannot make him/her change....it does not work that way, these are not my lessons you call me about these are YOURS.
And know that YOU are responsible for seeking out that job. Get busy with writing resumes, follow up consistently, make yourself stand out as a candidate they would hire, not just another job applicant. YOU alone are responsible for changing yourself because we cannot change ANYONE but ourselves, and that is what forces change in others. And YOU alone need to stop obsessing over that person who left you OR took a break from you, and MOVE on as if they are NEVER coming back and re balance your needy energy. That's what makes YOU attractive to others not sitting there feeling sorry because you are not getting what you want from someone and giving them all the power and head space rent free in your head because you are afraid you will lose them, if that is the case you never had them in the first place.
As it says in Johnathon Livingston Seagull *If you love someone, let them go, if they come back to you, they are yours, if they don't they never were* Hard to swallow and accept but that I am afraid IS reality.... But what I CAN guarantee you is, your stalking them, your not letting go, not starting a NO CONTACT rule with them, and not removing them from your contact lists, facebook etc will only hurt YOU in the long term. Do not forget that people are not comfortable with desperate, frantic energy and do not one for second fool yourself that they do not feel that frantic desperate energy..... your calming that is one of the ways that results in new people and energy coming in to your life, and do not forget, YOU are driving the bus....It's another lesson, easy to say and yet so very hard to do....
The issue I seem to come across more often is CONTROL, now tell me IF you are just newly dating someone, WHY on earth do you delude yourself into thinking YOU own them? You do NOT own anyone, and until you have reached the point whereby you have had that discussion of exsclusivity, you do not have the right to be angry with someone for *dating* so get overyourself and have some patience :-) Anger will get you NO where....
Joan
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jU4qRVrDxRQ&sns=fb
this is a flash mob of the Dublin gospel Choir singing the U2 hit, I still haven't found what I'm looking for in Dublin's Grafton Street this month. I felt it was appropriate for Saint Patricks day....
It's a language I learned when I was young and wish so much I had kept it up, but lost so much of it :-(
Having said that I wish all of you a Happy Saint Patrick's day, and in Irish that is Beannachti la Fheile Padraig
Bann ack tee law faila por -ick that is how you would pronouce it
And as the old Irish Blessing goes, go mbeirimid beo ar an am seo aris (guh mare-ah-meed BO air an ah-m shu ar-eesh) and that means hoping we will all be alive and well at the same time next year :-)
Joan
We have all heard about He's just not that into you and the message that someone is sending you when they do not call, when they do not return your calls or texts....sometimes it's hard to hear that message, because it is not the message we want to hear so we ignore it. Some times we think we want to hear the words, but think about it, how hard would it be for YOU to call someone and say I don't want to see you again.... and put yourself in the position of others when they want something to just end quietly without fuss rather than any big confrontation.... People sometimes say what what they do not mean, and do not mean what they say all of the time and after all we are ALL human. Passive agressively is how people deal with those kinds of situations...
Sometimes we lower our standards without knowing that we have done so......Now here is the catch.... Do we like being intimate with someone? Hell, YEAH! It is our right to persue pleasure, however at what price? Now HE may be getting something out of the bargain? But what are YOU getting? Reality is that the the sexually empowered behavior of women that has created men who have come to expect that and nothing more from women. However can women really just sleep with someone and not fall for them? Sometimes, yes, but we have to be aware that we may well be contributing to the situation that we complain about ....... Now am I saying do not do it ? NO! You are the one with the power to choose. Sometimes that is all a man can handle and he may be honest about that but sometimes a man will want to delay being intimate with someone he could care about. Now if both of you can handle that, then you GO girl..... but is that really the case? Are you being honest with yourself about that?
Then we have the EBG ( everything but sex girl) who may think that she is saving herself from the kind of emotional issues that full intercourse may open her up to.... but you are the only one who can define sex..... and what that word is and means to YOU.
In the book called Be honest, you are just not that into him either by Ian Kerner phd he discusses how Men and women have sex in different ways, there is a natural increase in hormones that tilt you towards caring about the person, that damn dopamine!!! And oxytocin which is a powerful thing that causes the woman to become attached to the object she has just slept with. Now you can try to treat sex casually but it does not reciprocate, sex matters, so be honest with yourself about why are you doing it in the first place....So use sex wisely and use it well.
Watch this space.......
Joan
I love what I do, and try hard to give the best reading I can on each and every call I take, it is what I strive for on a daily basis.
Having said that there is a way to get a better reading and get the best reading for your hard earned dollars.
Try to Be open to what comes up even if you doubt what you are hearing in the reading, and yes that IS easier said than done when we have an emotional investment in the outcome of a reading and generally that is the question. There is NO way we will always be right, since energetic exchanges in a reading can affect the quality of the reading and hence the accuracy of the information that comes up. Try to be aware that you may not always hear what you want to, yet you will most likely hear what you NEED to hear. You work hard for your money, so make sure it works hard for you when you call for a reading by being as calm as you can be, try to hold your emotions at bay and listen to what is being said, frame your questions to garner as much information as you can and these are a few of the ways you can get the biggest bang for your reading buck :-)
joan
We are ALL busy this time of year, so I wanted to give you a heads up regarding my availability over the next few weeks. I will be on and off taking calls from today through Christmas day and most likely for a few hours on the day after Christmas. But from December 26th through January 9th I will be in Ireland and unavailable for calls through that time period.
Should you need to contact me, please feel free to email me and I will do my best to respond as quickly as possible, but I will not be taking my lap top so my ability to respond will be limited and I may not be able to get back to you within 24 hours as I usually do.
So should you need to contact me within the next few days I am and will be availlable even for call backs if I am not taking calls. And after that for two weeks I will not be available for calls, but may be able to do email readings should you need me to.
Sorry for the inconvenience,
Joan
get into the habit of calling too often? Spending too much? Do you address it to them? Ask them why they feel the need to call too often? Do you tell them if you have seen their feedback all over the pages of others also? Do you tell them that you feel they are calling way too often and they need to not be too dependent on readers for every small aspect of their lives?
I have frequently come across callers who call what I would consider too often, and I do address it to the caller as gently as I can. I know that I personally have spoken to callers when I feel that the question is not one that can be answered at that time or if it is not an appropriate question for the information they are seeking, sometimes all it takes is re-phrasing to actually get a good answer, that is accurate for the situation. I will also tell them if I feel that the number of calls they are placing to me is too often and I will offer to answer emails as well as follow ups for free and talk about how often might work for them so that the extra expense is avoided.
But I am not responsible if I am sending free minutes and doing free email answers and follow ups and they are calling other readers, I do not have control over who the client calls and how much they spend. Frequently callers are unaware of how much they are acutally spending until the bills come in and I do not want to be responsible for people running up debts, but I also know that the callers need to be aware of their own part in pressing that call now button, and they can send an email instead.
Even if an issue becomes overwhelming to you at times, it may not be that pressing five minutes, not to mention five hours or five days later.....sometimes things look one way at one time only to discover they are not what we may have assumed or presumed them to be, if you are calling only to feel better about a situation then think twice. It may only make you feel better and that is never a good as it means you could become overly dependent on feel good readings to get you through a moment of fear. And that can result in financial issues when you spend way too much on getting readings....
So before you press that call now button.......... think long and hard..... what do you think has changed since you called 24 hours ago? Things cannot and do no change that quickly....
I also need to stress that readings are never 100% accurate, and if they are used to try to control a situation and or person, that will NEVER work, they are just not meant to work that way, and it will result in your not really getting an accurate reading due to frantic energy. Repitition of the same question over and over prior to allowing time for a prediction to manifest will also mean you may not be getting an accurate read of the situation and that is what we all want to provide when we read for you.
So buyer beware...
Joan
I mean REALLY listening to what is being said?
I remember once when a person I cared about and wanted SO much for them to feel the same way, told me they did not think they could give me what I wanted and I didn't really hear them because it was NOT what I wanted to hear.....
And what I realized was that by remaining in the relationship after bering told that, meant to that person that I was accepting what they had told me when that was NOT what I was doing in my mind... I was kinda hoping they would change their mind and they NEVER did...
So, when and IF someone tells you they are not ready to move forward, are not ready to commit, they usually mean it, and no amount of manipulation, cajoling, emotional blackmail, will change that , believe me I KNOW....
So understand that your actions speak volumes more and so much louder than any amount of words you could speak.... and try to figure out what your actions might be saying, and figure out how to align the actions AND words and you will be taken more seriously and that is what we ALL want in a relationship...
Joan
We live in a culture that depends on the quick fix to address all of our problems. We have pills to instantly get rid of headaches and other ailments, drive-through restaurants to satiate hunger, and instant gratification on the Internet to fulfill relationship needs.
Many of us are looking for a relationship quick fix. How can I change my partner? How can I make him or her call more? How can I make this person step up and do more in our relationship?
But are you willing to put in the effort and establish boundaries to create the relationship you expect? Are you willing to figure out what you want and to not settle for less? Or are you waiting for a magical quick fix?
Most of us have difficulty with change. We become comfortable doing things the same way and have to be very motivated to break patterns we establish in our relationships. To truly achieve change, though, one needs to avoid drama and follow through with intentions and decisions.
For example, there is no point in issuing ultimatums that aren't going to be kept. Telling someone to never call again, and then expecting and always accepting his or her phone calls, will not change the other person's behavior.
There is no point in saying harsh words with no follow-through and then wonder why the other person still behaves in a thoughtless manner. Your partner has learned that your words don't mean anything.
If you continue to be intimate even though your mate doesn't call or does not step up and treat you in a special way, then why would he or she suddenly be motivated to call or change their treatment of you? When you tacitly accept their behavior, they will not be motivated to do more. A quick fix will not occur if the behavior has been accepted, even if you grumble or complain about it.
Compare your relationship with the workplace. If an employee is getting away with only doing two hours of work and getting paid for eight hours, why would that person then step up and do more?
Do not let fear rule your actions regarding lapses in the behavior of your partner. Determination is necessary for the other person to know that you mean business in your relationship. There is no quick relationship fix; it takes time, it takes work, and it takes saying what you mean and meaning what you say.
Is that easy? No! Is change what you really want and worth the effort? Only you can answer that question when you step up and not settle for less. You set your own value, you decide what you are worth, and if you have set your price too low, it is based upon your fear, do not allow that to rule or ruin your life or relationships...
Joan
TWO GLASSES OF WINE When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 glasses of wine.... A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full.. They agreed that it was. The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous 'yes.' The professor then produced two glasses of wine from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed. 'Now,' said the professor, as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things; your family, your children, your health, your friends, and your favourite passions; things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.' The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car.. The sand is everything else; the small stuff. 'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life.. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.' 'Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. Do one more run down the ski slope. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the waste disposal. Take care of the golf balls first; the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.' One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the wine represented. The professor smiled. 'I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of glasses of wine with a friend.' Share this with a friend - I just did. I loved this, did NOT write it, but felt I should share it :-) Joan
Call a reader, try to call on a land line if possible since if the reception is bad it is NOT always the fault of the reader. I personally use a land line for every call I take and was shocked at the bad attitude of a caller this morning calling on free minutes and complaining that I should not send her free minutes IF I was going to do this to her???? She could NOT hear me and apparently that was ALL MY FAULT?
I was gobsmacked at the bad attitude of someone thinking that I was sending someone free minutes to purposefully not allow her to hear me? I was trying to do something nice and as the saying goes, NO good deed goes unpunished....
Try to USE YOUR LAND LINE FOR CALLING, or make sure you are in a good reception area, this will mean you will end up with a better experience... and do not blame the reader if you cannot hear the reading.
Joan
I heard a joke once about a man who prayed to God to win the lottery, he prayed and prayed and the drawings went by and he had won nothing and he was back in the church praying again after not winning again when God spoke to him and said, *Work with me, or at least meet me half way and at least buy a ticket!!*
What we sometimes forget is that WE are responsible for our own personal safety. WE are responsible for our choices, and thank God for that power of choice, everyone has that same power. WE are responsible for teaching people how we want to be treated. And dealing with it if that person is not treating us the way we want.
So if we meet someone new, we need to allow them the space and time to prove themselves to us that they are who they say they are, that takes time, it will not happen overnight. We are responsible if we sit at a bar and order another drink, NOT the person who sells it to us. We are responsible for making the changes in our lives that help us in our personal growth.
We cannot call a reader and expect them to miracously tranform our lives if we are not willing to do some of the work ourselves....even if society holds the belief that we can blame everyone else for our troubles, and take legal action ( like the bartender etc) against those people some of the blame will ALWAYS lay with us....
Joan
I will be available this evening on and off, however Should your reading be interrupted by trick or treat callers this evening, I will send you minutes to make it up to you :-)
Happy Halloween to All.....
Joan
welcome a new relationship into your life when you have not let
go of other relationships in your life? We attract to ourselves what we are, who we
are, .....so if we are still caught up with another emotionally, and have
not let go of that person, do you expect the new person coming in to be
baggage free when you are clearly NOT? If we are still concerned with
what the other person is doing, thinking or when they are going to call
us, you are NOT free emotionally, so do not lie to yourself and others
that you are over your past relationship if you clearly are not.
When you are giving rent free space to another how can you even think
you are not giving off that vibe on some level? Do not fool yourself,
as you may not be able to fool the new person coming in, they may not
be able to put their finger on it but they sense that something is off
and it may sabotage and or limit your new potential relationship. So if you want
someone who truly IS available the best thing you can to is to BE
available yourself, and not lying to yourself or others about it, but being
available truly emotionally and physically is the only way to truly
start off something that could truly be something as opposed to another
false start that YOU played a major part in sabotaging.....
Joan
I
remember when I wanted a man so badly that when he told me, he could
not give me what I wanted, I did not want to believe him so I kept
seeing him in the hopes that he would change his mind.....needless to say he did NOT.
And I was not listening until I
stopped falsely maintaining the relationship by being the one who
called him, being the one that made the plans or being the one that
just showed up that it was only when I STOPPED trying to manipulate,
control ( passive aggressively) and keep it going that I regained my
self esteem because I knew in my heart and soul that I was selling
myself short.
I had to learn to let it go and
NOT try to control and manipulate and just let it be..... very hard to
do and it was the first time anyone had ever evoked such an emotional
reaction in me. But I learned from this painful experience that
allowing anyone to evoke a vacuum of emotional need in you are the very
people we learn the most from. The one thing we need to do is control
our emotions and not allow them to have control over us.
We do not have the power to
control anyone except ourselves. We sometimes also want others simply
because our ego's are injured that they do not want us in the same way,
or time frame that we want them in and that makes us want them more, so
we need to examine Why we might want this person in the first place.
The effort and energy that we
put out when we are SO focused on one person, will always mess it up,
we cannot focus on someone so much that it takes all of time, effort
and energy and not have it bounce back in some ways to make them *feel*
it and that kind of focus is scary to deal with, kind of like a dog
sensing that we are afraid of them, they might not know what makes
them uncomfortable, they will just know that it does..... which may
cause them to pull away......
So..... my best advice is let
it go........ as they say in Ireland, what is for you, will NOT pass
you by...... simple to say, so very hard to do...and what you lose in falsely maintaining a non viable relationship is gained ten times over in self esteem...I can promise you that............
Joan