Self Love...now there's a concept for
If you're into self improvement you
have probably heard or read those two words together a lot. A few
lucky folks are tried and true pros at it! Most of us attain
Self-Love when we are alone or feeling safe, but can allow outer
chaos or other people to fog our brain and forget why we were lovable
to begin with. Many of us like the sound of it, but don't exactly
know what it looks or feels like. There are some who get bitter at
the mere thought of it and prefer to remain the victim of feeling no
love at all.
If you are anything like me, you dip in
and out of all of the above when it comes to Self-Love.
I've found that the secret key to
maintaining Self-Love in life is to focus on the FACT that you
DESERVE your own love...no matter what...and especially when you are
feeling a lack of it.
Deservedness is key, because if you
believe that you DON'T deserve it than you will not have it within
you or by your side at the times when you need it most. The more you
get use to it (and know how to maintain it) the less you find
yourself in situations that trigger Self-Love's opposite:
Self-Loathing. Nobody deserves that...natural remorse or brief
periods of shame...sure, we all mess up and need to learn from our
mistakes at times, but never Self-Loathing.
Self-Love is a birth right, just like
the fact that you were given a body to live in, eyes that produce
tears, and a mind to make choices with. It is naturally there for
the taking, regardless of what life situation or family you were born
in or find yourself in currently. The beautiful thing about
Self-Love is that it is infinite...so no matter where you
stand with it right now, you can always nurture and grow into a state
of being that supports, motivates, and comforts you at all times in
It's also natural to give love and seek
love from others. We are biologically and psychologically designed
to do this for survival.
This may not sound super romantic or
spiritual. Don't get me wrong...I am a huge fan of romantic and
spiritual love, but there is good truth around the nature of love in
biology and psychology that we can all learn from.
We are designed to give love and seek
love as babies so we will be loved back and have our basic survival
needs taken care of by the adults in our lives. It creates a bond
that carries us through life's harsher realities. Unfortunately,
this instinctual programing can set us up for confusion later in
life...especially if the adults in our life did not teach us the
important emotional survival skill of Self-Love.
This gets overlooked a lot, mainly
because societies and cultures (and therefore families) are designed
in various ways that focus more on physical survival...food, clothes,
shelter...which governments and businesses then capitalize on, for
better or for worse, to create an economy that sustains a community
or a nation. Because of this, emotional needs have been downgraded
for generation after generation because a.) emotions can be time
consuming and uncomfortable to deal with and b.) that process can get
in the way of taking care of our physical survival needs...the field
needs to be plowed, mom has to work, the boss will fire you if you
miss work due to depression, etc...so we learn to devalue our
feelings and sometimes block them out completely just to keep moving.
This leads us into an adulthood where
we are both consciously and unconsciously always trying to give or
receive love from others because it is what we have always done to
survive. We have an instinct for love/sex and we know that often
times there is safety in numbers. When it is working it feels really
great! Nothing wrong with it...BUT because so few people were taught
how to love themselves properly and are pushed to focus on their
physical survival above all else, a lot of the love we give and
receive and the choices we make ultimately lead us to feelings of
loss and longing for something more than what we are able to give or
are getting from others.
Now throw into the mix that many of our
great-grandparents, grandparents, parents, and even ourselves have
been the victims of war, illness, abandonment, divorce, death,
incarceration and all sorts of abuses...and still expected to
survive, given little if any real time to grieve and heal themselves
before entering back into a “normal” life. Who has time for
learning and teaching Self-Love in all that emotional chaos...best to
try and just find happiness however we can, right?
This can often times creates a sense of
urgency to fill void of emptiness and confusion that we have never
learned how to manage in a balanced self-loving way. This is why
addictions are so strong in humans...most are a quick and effective
fix on feeling both bonded to others and love towards ourselves
(drugs, alcohol, ambition, love, sex, cigarettes, fitness,
materialism, etc.) at least for a time.
These fixes come at a cost because most
highs are fleeting, they have consequences that we do not yet
understand (or are able to ignore) and will not permanently fill
anything. Addictions distract us from whatever pain we are trying to
manage...which is usually the pain we experience when we do not feel
Self-Love in the face of life's challenges. When we are challenged
we often feel weak and unacceptable to others which creates the toxic
belief that we don't deserve any love, much less our own love.
Most of our beliefs have been taught to
us by the people, experiences, and the world around us. If you were
never actively taught how to genuinely love yourself and are
experiencing the pain and suffering of this lost lesson, don't
despair. It can be self-taught and the learning process is actually
very fun once you stop resisting that its time to own up to what has
been missing in your life and give it to yourself.
When trying to learn Self-Love please
remember...write it down, sing it out loud, or pay someone to remind
you of it if you have to...that YOU DESERVE YOUR OWN LOVE!
Self-Love will look different for
everyone in its inner and outer expression. At its core though, it
is like a kind, gentle, often times silly and nurturing energy that
we tend to feel towards babies...or kittens...or puppies...you get
the idea. Think innocence and purity. Good spirituality is a great
path to Self-Love. Having a higher power that loves and accepts us
and encourages us to grow is a righteous mirror to our own
possibilities of loving ourselves daily in that same light.
You can give yourself love by doing
things that you love to do and having experiences that don't come
with hard consequences...hobbies that make you happy. You also must
consciously choose to speak kindly towards yourself both inside your
mind and aloud to others. If you don't know how to start or what to
say follow me and insert your full name in the blank: “I, _______________, Deserve My Own Love” and soon you will begin
to feel, see, and understand why this is so. It is your birth right
after all and it has been waiting for you to know your name with love
in your heart from the moment you were born.
you would like a session with me to explore this or any other topic or
issue you may be dealing with, please email me for 3 FREE Minutes!
Be kind to yourself and Thank You for reading! Amanda