“When is He/She going to call?” This is likely the most frequently asked question we hear. Yet it is often not the most important question. More important than the when is the what and the why. Why haven’t they called? What will they want or have to offer when they do call. Will they continue to call?
We are so often focused on the need for “instant gratification” that we lose sight of our objectives. Yet what good is the call that comes where nothing is offered. What does it benefit us to jump for the phone, reassure them we are there waiting for them to throw us an occasional crumb. Then, for the many lovers out there that are confused, afraid of commitment or otherwise resistant to opening their hearts, they can reassure themselves we will always be there and there is no hurry. Thus the call comes and goes, followed by further withdrawl. Then the waiting begins again. This is the “Aloof Control Drama”. So many of us play into this so easily.
Common scenario: The couple starts dating. Both are totally focused on each other in the initial stages: Talking daily, texting, going out, etc. The energy between them builds, becomes intense, electric. Then suddenly one (usually the male….sorry guys, just statistics speaking here), begins to withdraw their energy. The calls, texting, etc. slow dramatically or stops altogether.
Why? Because the dynamic has changed. The energy building too quickly has to transform in some way. While the “relationship” is in the “pursuit stage”, it is easy, one doesn’t have to think or face fears, insecurities, all the “what ifs”. One simply focuses on what we are biologically designed to do, pursue the target and attain. This part is simple, one goal to “catch the target”. No brainer.
Once the target is acquired, the entire dynamic changes from one of instinct to one of intellect and emotion. This is the realm where fear dwells, where doubts and insecurities flourish. All the “what ifs” begin to arise. Do I really want a relationship? Am I ready for commitment? I really like this person but what if I make a mistake and miss out on other opportunities and this doesn’t work out anyway? What if they start trying to control me? What if it doesn’t work out and I get hurt? What if they turn out to be different than what they appear to be….like my last lover? And the list goes on and on.
Then remember our cultural influence. Everywhere you look you see an article, talk show or book talking about men who fear commitment. Such a common topic that many feel such fear is a natural state. Look at our generation, so many of us raised without any early childhood examples of successful relationships to emulate. Many of us are the direct products of dysfunctional family dynamics. Children of families with infidelities, bitter divorces and battles in relationships.
Long term relationships may seem to be a risky gamble for many. Especially when they move so quickly into the complicated dynamics that come from constant exposure and premature intimacy. Dynamics the relationship is likely not ready for. Too much, too soon.
How to limit or avoid this type of train wreck? Here are a few tips:
1. Slow down. Let the period of pursuit be sustained long enough for you to become comfortable with each other. This is the “safe period” before everything becomes complicated, draw it out and allow time for the building of some actual substance in the relationship, time to develop a real bond.
2. Try not to totally focus on this person to the exception of everything else and all your other social relationships. Don’t be totally available. Don’t call, text, email or “stop by” to see him every day…here is the simple formula: if you are chasing him, how can he chase you? Don’t jump every time the phone rings. Don’t cancel plans with friends to spend time with him. Don’t wait for them all weekend and refuse to make other plans because “they might call”. When you do this it appears you have no life, no identity and thus you become less interesting. Let the phone go unanswered sometimes. Wait a day or 2 to call back sometimes. Keep him guessing a bit and his interest will be less likely to wane prematurely.
3. Understand that there is a difference between love and infatuation, though the symptoms are about the same. The difference is that Love is an emotional response to what another person is. Infatuation is an emotional response to what we want to believe another person is….thus we project onto them qualities that they may not actually possess. Take the time to get to know who they actually are. Don’t start pouring out every emotion before you are sure that both the relationship is ready for the emotional dynamic AND the emotion is love and not just infatuation. Keep him guessing a bit.
4. Don’t jump into physical intimacy. Sexual intimacy introduces a much more complex dynamic. Introducing this dynamic in a relationship’s infancy often will not serve you well. Also, this can be perceived as “target acquired and attained”, prematurely ending the pursuit stages. In addition, this helps you to weed out any potential “conquest addicts” that aren’t seriously looking for a relationship but are using lip service to make a quick conquest.
5. Don’t become a caretaker prior to commitment. Do not start behaving as a full fledged partner before you are being acknowledged and treated as one. Don’t offer to do his laundry, pick up his dry cleaning or clean his apartment. Remember you are someone he is supposed to be courting and wooing….not his personal assistant or servant….don’t behave like one or you will be treated as one AND you will be perceived as one. A nurturing wife is a wonderful thing. A caretaking, self-sacrificing girlfriend is one step from becoming a doormat.
6. Retain your personal identity. Be authentic to your views, philosophies and ideas. Don’t just agree with everything he says. You don’t want to be militant or combative, just don’t lose yourself in his views. Keep stimulating your mind so you are constantly growing and staying interesting as a whole, complete individual.
This is just a start, the basics. If you are already in the middle of a trainwreck, withdraw. When he DOES call, change the dynamics by going back to the basics. If you fall back into the patterns of behavior that didn’t work before, expect they won’t work again.
Now every relationship will have it’s own individual dynamics. These basics may have to be adjusted and tailored to the individual situations. In relationships where the dynamics have been well established and patterns repeating, more consideration will have to be given to understanding and breaking the limiting patterns. A good psychic/empath and Relationship coach can help you to gage where you are in your dynamic, to change your dynamic you have to be willing to be pro-active and alter behavior to suit. It is not just about knowing when he will call, but also knowing why he hasn’t called, what he is seeking to find and offer in this relationship….AND how to keep the calls coming.
Blessings to you!!!
Faeren