The Angel's Loft

Are you struggling with a FAKE RELATIONSHIP?

I admit, I've had a fake relationship. Everything about it was false - from the feelings that I managed to manufacture, to the Hallmark cards that expressed the sentiments that I WANTED to feel, but didn't.

When my fake relationship was crumbling, yes - I cried. Why? I suppose because my fake relationship did not manifest into what I wanted so badly to be real. And, I desperately wanted it to be real. Alas, it wasn't. I recall receiving the obligatory phone calls and not being one bit excited when I heard his voice. "Did I want to have dinner?" *yawn* sure - no one else around, you'll do. "Did I want to go to a party?" *yawn* Oh, yah, so everyone else could observe how fake our interactions were - sure. Why not?

So as my fake relationship disintegrated into more nothingness, something inside of me awoke and started cheering. Yes, my heart felt lighter. No more lies, no more self-deception, no more telling someone that I hardly liked (let alone loved) that I "love you" (said with all the enthusiasm of "I need to do laundry"). No more opening trinkets that were bought on impulse and pretending that they were the greatest gift on Earth! Yippie!

Amazingly, as I released my fake relationship and focused on me, my desires, my needs, doing things that I enjoyed and asking the Universe to bring me someone of like-mindedness....guess what? It happened.

The Universe knows when you're in a fake relationship, and regardless of how much YOU want SOMEONE - if that 'someone' isn't true in your heart, all you get is more emptiness. If you aren't with a person that makes your toes tingle, and brings a smile to your heart (for the most part - hey, we all have crabby days), then release it. And, no - it's not better than being alone!

Wait for the real deal, and not only will your life be more fun and fulfilling - but you're rewarded with what TRUE joy feels like!

I Invite YOU to Celebrate Thanksgiving TODAY with me!

Saving Grace: The "I got Dumped" Diet

Emotional shutdown. You can't eat, you find it difficult to sleep. You cry. A lot. It's a cleansing time for you. Preparation for what's coming next in your life. Personally, I love the "I got Dumped" Diet. I feel it's God's way of getting you back into your skinny clothes to attract someone better. (We DO live in a physical world, after all).

During your "I got Dumped" Diet phase, remember to drink plenty of water. Try to avoid whine, woops, I mean wine. It will dehydrate you. Try to avoid alcoholic beverages of any kind, even though your temptation is to totally force yourself into oblivion to forget the jerk that dumped you. Alcohol is a depressant, and the LAST thing you need is to feel more depressed.

Force yourself to eat something. Yes, it's hard, but force yourself. I don't care if it's a cracker with cheese, you need some kind of nourishment. Canned goods are great. They are quick, easy, and most of the time you don't even have to heat it up. You're saving energy spent washing dishes!

As for the crying... well, no one can stop that except you. However, it does cleanse your soul. Just remember to moisturize during this time. Otherwise, your face will be all puffy and red looking. Cucumber slices on your eyes will eliminate some of the redness, and it's quite refreshing, too.

As you work your way through the "I got dumped" Diet, you will rediscover clothes in your closet that fit you now. So, come on - that's exciting, right? Those jeans that are a Size 4 - fit you now. Wow, you look awesome! (Repeat 5x a day MINIMUM).

Moping around, pining away for Mr. Right that turned into Mr. oh SO Wrong...isn't going to do you any good either. Get out and get some exercise. Walk, breathe. These are two things that you can do without thinking. (Hint: if you listen to music, be sure it is something upbeat and HAPPY. MOST Country-Western songs are NOT).

Don't think. Don't remember. Push the thoughts out of your head. It's probably best at this time to push all thoughts out of your head. Clean the slate - and look at it not as "Rejection".... it's "REDIRECTION" for you. Know there is someone else coming into your life that is BETTER for you!

Now that you look marvelous, FEEL marvelous about YOU, keep looking in the mirror (while wearing your skinny jeans) and say, "Wow. I DO look great!" (And, it's fine if you want to add in a "Too bad the idiot that dumped me can't see me now").

If you must resort to resentment, turn it into a positive thought. Do not say to yourself, "Why doesn't he/she love me?" Say, instead, "What a fool he/she is to pass up THIS". (This technique is best accomplished while looking in the mirror, too - as mentioned above).

SMILE. I know it doesn't come easy, but it will certainly help with the puffiness due to crying a lot. SMILE. It's amazing what a good laugh or a SMILE will do for you. Affirmations are a truly wonderful technique to use when you smile..."I have the ability to light up a room".

Come on, you are a survivor! Just remember: BREATHE. It's going to get better day by day.

It's my Birthday! Let's Celebrate! 2/11 - until 1PM AZ time

I always say that every day that one wakes up without a toe tag should be a great day! Birthdays are just another day, right? Today, November 2nd, I will be celebrating 53 years of a wonderful life (mingled with challenges, pitfalls and rising out of the ashes) I invite you to celebrate with me, from 8am - 1pm  Arizona time for my $2.11 special. (get it? 2nd of the 11th month of the year???)

Because Arizona doesn't go on daylight saving's time, I have no idea if the West coast is 1 hour behind again, and the East coast is only 2 hours ahead. I BELIEVE AZ is on Mountain time now.... SOOOO confusing! (Especially to a blond like me).

If you've been wanting to call, now is your opportunity to get a reading from me! I look forward to hearing from you, and assisting you with a deeper understanding of your situation, a resolution for you, or to take a look and see what's coming up for you! Put in a call back to ensure you get your reading!

Peace & I send you angels,

Jane

HOW TO AVOID ANOTHER COCKROACH!

How to be your OWN Ghost Buster!

Women: 10 Reasons WHY He isn't "In to You"

"Give me details" the caller insisted. And all I could do was see a blank wall. The person that I was being asked about showed nothing. There was emotional distance, there were no emotions pointing toward the caller - there was nothing. I couldn't satisfy the caller, and she hung up on me. Well, I've been with Keen for almost 9 years, and trust me, it wasn't the first time that a caller has hung up on me....especially when I can't paint a rosy picture....

I did some research among strangers on other sites, I posed the question, "What is it about a woman that makes you "not into her" and once you close the book on emotional responses toward that woman, does it ever change?" I thought it was a pretty good question, considering the fact that my caller was adamant that "his feelings were going to change".

I put together a top ten list of the responses I got, and I'd like to share them with you:

1.  He LIKES your personality, but he just isn't attracted to you.

2.  If you come on too strong to him, it's a turn off.

3.  Value systems are different

4.  Cultural differences

5.  Physically he isn't attracted to you

6. You are not what he sees himself with for a long term future

7. He's not ready to commit to anyone, and you aren't even on the list if he were ready

8. Distance is a factor - it's not convenient to see you, and he isn't willing to make the effort.

9. You may be too deep for him. He wants to have fun, and all you want to do is talk about the relationship and where it's going

10. You remind him too much of his ex, and he's "been there, done that", and is not going to give you the opportunity to prove different.

Given the above reasons why a guy would step away from a relationship, or potential relationship, it does put us (as advisors) into a bit of a precarious position. To give "details" would most certainly hurt the caller, and make us appear "negative". How do you accentuate the "positive" when, in fact, the ONLY positive is to suggest the caller move on and put herself out there for someone that actually WILL respond to her and return her efforts?

It is very difficult to deliver a soft approach to telling someone WHY he won't be the love of her life. It's not "details" that the caller wants, it's validation that the precious time that has been invested into a man won't go unrewarded.

As to the other part of my question, when I asked this group of men: "Will you "change" your emotions toward a woman"? ... the results were an overwhelming 'NO'. The stipulation put on it was only that if he had gotten to know her, considered dating her, then thought otherwise - the emotions remain in the "Friend" file.  If he had just met her, and the jury was out on potential relationship, then there is a probability that "friend" can be re-classified. In a long-term situation where the two had known each other for some time, NO, a "change in emotions" wasn't going to happen. He has already determined you are not his "type" - although he LIKES you, and appreciates you - you are not whom he sees being the mother of his children, or his wife.

I hope this assists some of you with wondering WHY and wanting DETAILS about someone that you are directing your emotional energies into. I have concluded that there really is no way for me to answer "What is it about ME that he doesn't like?" without hurting the caller. And, honestly, most of the time there isn't ONE specific THING about you, it's simply that you're not the entire package that he is attached to in his mind. You are not who he sees himself with in the long run.

 

I'm available for your calls today, and I send you angels!

Jane

How Desperate are YOU?

I watched an episode of "Desperate Housewives" last night... except it wasn't the television series. It was on good ole Dr. Phil... I have a sorta love/hate relationship with Dr.Phil, but don't tell him that. It might fracture his fragile "get real" ego....

Dr. Phil's TOPIC was interesting, but the execution of it was just plain poor. There was no conclusion, and no "hammer the theme home" punch line. The topic was "Desperate Mistakes"... explaining that we women that reach a certain age group overlook things in a potential mate that in our earlier years were deal breakers. It seems that the more we age, the more we forgive and comply, simply because of factors such as biological time clocks, and not wanting to be alone but be with SOME body that will occupy space. Hmmm. I'm still digesting this one.

Granted, in our earlier years, guys that were crude, rude and obnoxious were definitely off the list... guys that were overwhelmingly nice (as in showing up with a boquet of flowers every time he saw you) gee, must be something "desperate" about him... guys that didn't open car doors were off the "list" also. Yep, we women in our early years were picky, picky, picky.

As we grew into our 30's, and our careers were well under way, we became less picky. Some of us WANTED to open our own car doors. Some of us needed to make a statement that we were independent and no "gold digger".

Into our 40's (if you've reached this point) suddenly the stilettos came out, and we were empowered to learn to love ourselves. We were strong, and could care less if there was a man around. We actually looked forward to our girl lunches, and considering whom to date. 40's are a fabulous time. (well, I thought so).

Then, as 50 approached, something happened. That strong powerful woman realized she didn't want to be alone. Suddenly, any man would "do". At least this was the case on the Amazing Dr. Phil show last night. I actually felt bad for her, because she was redefining the word "compromise". Her fiancee cheated on her, was an alcoholic, I am assuming beat her on a few occasions (she plead the 5th) but, at 48, she was determined to get married and live the dream. HER dream. She needed a husband, a baby, and in that order.

To ME, compromise is overlooking dirty socks on the floor. It's learning to adjust to someones habits, NOT their basic fundamental character and tendency to check out if the grass is really greener on the other side. Compromise does not mean that you LOWER your standards - and I don't care HOW old you are. If you lower your standards merely to accommodate what it is that you THINK you want, you're in for a rough ride.

One can love a lot of people in a lifetime, however; a life-mate and partner that will tolerate behaviors in you, just as you tolerate behaviors in him/her...well, this is a different story. If the behaviors are destructive to either one of you, what good is it? I've always maintained that it is so much better to live alone in peace, than to live with someone that surrounds your life with constant chaos.

And, as far as that biological clock? Interesting to examine. Did it occur to you that perhaps SOME of us were not meant to reproduce, that the Universe has other plans for us? A rhyme and a reason for everything.

Marrying someone simply because it's 'time" ... WHOSE "timing" are you adhering to? Yours or someone else's definition of "time"????

And, one more thing. If you don't think that others can sniff out desperation in your energy field, think again. YOUR energy field produces what your desires and fears are. You can easily soften this simply by inhaling white light, and exhaling your fears, and still keep your intentions "out there". Don't go on a date with tons of expectations, simply 'BE' in the moment.

Food for thought, as always. Make it a great day!

Sending you angels,

Jane

Healing from the Emotional Amoebas

Creationism vs. Evolution....

What a heated debate this is developing into, and has been for years. Creationism vs. Evolution. Well, in my book - maybe they're BOTH right?

Because I look at it this way: The Universe and everything in it came about in some way. Scientists are convinced of the "big bang" theory; Religion teaches that it was all created by one God, and Darwin decided to dig a little deep and do a theory on evolution...

We all came from SOMEWHERE, right? I mean, seriously - did one day we just appear and *poof* here was woman looking for a man?

Maybe, just maybe this happened: *bang* - the Universe was created eons ago... and there was life put on this Universe in many forms... and out of this molecule of life emerged living beings that transformed over time....billions of years - as far as the imagination (which is limited in some cases) can fathom.

Who is right, and who is "wrong"? Does it really matter? We are human beings, surrounded by an infinite Universe that holds many secrets and destinations yet to be discovered. Are we so bold and egotistical that we believe that WE are the only forms of life in the entire Universe?

And, so what if - over millions of years - in my present state of "being" I DID evolve from a  a fish of some variety or an ape, or a chimp? What I don't understand is why shove ONE theory over another to those that simply choose to believe what he/she wants to believe? WHY is it that some people insist on persuading YOUR belief system to theirs?

Maybe, because, they haven't lost the need to be right... and if you cross over to their way of thinking, it validates their egos and adds another notch to their belts that "yes, WE are RIGHT".

Well, by gollie, cheers to those that need to be right. But, KUDOS to you that stand firm in whatever belief system you have - as long as you stand firm in quiet. There is no need, in my humble opinion, to play tug of war with another and insist that ALL adopt YOUR beliefs. And THIS, my friends, is the epitome of "FREE WILL" that was gifted to us by God/The Supreme Being/ The Goddess/ The Ultimate Creator (whatever YOU believe), in His/Her/Its infinite wisdom.

Be unique. Be you. Be the individual that you were meant to be.

Sending you angels,

Jane

Reality Check: Pigs do NOT Fly!

This is a repost from September, 08.  Has anything changed in the past year?

"But I love him". Ok, fine. You love him. Even though he isn't giving you the relationship that you want, you are hanging in there HOPING that it will eventually come to you. He will wake up one fine day: stop blaming you for everything that is wrong in the relationship, suddenly take responsibility for his inappropriate actions, make you feel warm and fuzzy with security, and basically kneel down and kiss your freshly painted toenails thanking the Universe that he has you, a beautiful Goddess, in his life. 

Reality Check.

What you love is the relationship - the companionship -  regardless of how rotten it is - you love believing that you're sharing your life with someone. Someone that cares about you, even though he manages to hurt you in every way except using you as a punching bag (which will come down the road). The rare times he is gentle and kind... well, sure, you love that about him. I can't tell you how many times I've heard, "But, Jane, he's really a good man inside". Hmmm. I'm sure that somewhere underneath all the ego-crusted junk surrounding him that there is a decent individual hiding there. "But Jane, he just has 'issues'" ... yup, pretty much.... and he will vent those "issues" on you every opportunity that you give him.

What about the times that you've been alone crying your eyeballs out of their sockets because he didn't call like he said he would; or worse yet, he's made it clear to you he's going out.... you're not invited to go, so he insinuates that he's out trolling around. Granted,  he probably isn't even out looking for a replacement for you - it's the IDEA that he might be that hurts you. And he isn't doing a thing to make sure your relationship OR you feel secure. He thrives on the idea that you are at home glued to the phone!

This kind of relationship is not going to bring you inner peace and tranquility. Oh, this isn't what you want... you are caught up with "wanting the man you know he can be".....right? Because THAT man brings you joy and happiness on the few ocassions that he actually IS kind and loving.

Reality Check - yet again. The dude is pretending to be what you want to keep you in this twisted controlling relationship. Fact. Yes. Hard fact to swallow, but it's there. Everytime you cave in and accept the unacceptable behavior you give more control to him, while chipping away at your self esteem and your ability to actually engage in a healthy relationship.

It's your choice. Stay and insist to yourself that because you want this so badly things will change.... or walk away from it and recover, knowing that the next one will bring you what you "love" about your current destructive relationship - without the drama and controlling games.

Now, Jane, (you're asking , and I know you are) "How can YOU possibly understand this?"  Because I've lived it, folks. And that, my friends, will be in another blog.... "How I found the courage and strength to say "no more"."

EXPECTATIONS in a RELATIONSHIP - are they really YOURS?

Are the expectations you have in a relationship really yours, or are they an accumulation of what you've READ or have been TAUGHT that "this is the way it SHOULD be"? What you want in a relationship and what you have could very well be causing some inner conflict inside you. You're looking at your guy (or gal) and saying, "Whoa, wait a minute! He SHOULD be doing such and such" - but WHO determined what he "should" be doing?

With all the books available today for "fixing relationships", "how to catch the perfect man" (as if that animal exists) "how to behave in a relationship" "whether or not he's just that not into you" "How to tell if he's into you" "Men are from Mars"... well, you get the idea, and the list is endless. Point is, are YOU deriving what a relationship SHOULD be based on Oprah, Dr. Phil, countless books and talk show hosts have to tell you?

OR, are you just allowing the person you're in a relationship to be himself (herself) and learn to adjust your perspectives?

Granted, certain behaviors are disrespectful, and no one that I know of wakes up in the morning with an enthusiastic "oh, Yippee, I sure hope I get treated like scum today!". Mutual respect in a relationship is paramount to the partnership working.

What I have discovered is that we all have an ideal in the corners of our mind of what our interaction with our loved one "should" be. Whether this is derived from watching "Leave it to Beaver" (gotta love June and those pearls) or "Married with Children" (Al secretly loves Kate but is very degrading to her) - or, as mentioned above, the books and famous people  that tell us what we SHOULD expect.  If your relationship is falling short of the commandments that dictate the "shoulds" and "should not" are you expecting it to change?

Better yet, can you discard what the mighty powerful "THEY" say, and just learn to adjust to what your relationship IS instead of what you think it SHOULD be?

More disagreements and squabbles between two people are born out of what others dictate to us because someone else that doesn't have a clue about who you are or who your significant other is, insists on telling you this is the way you SHOULD behave, resolve issues, and live happily ever after.

The ONLY "happily ever after" comes in books. Relationships are a continual work in progress, keeping your ego in check, ACCEPTING certain things, and LEARNING to choose your battles. Leaving the cap off the toothpaste isn't a battle worth the effort. Not telling you where he's going when he suddenly decides to go out for the evening- that one is worth the pursuit.

To genuinely ALLOW your relationship to work, you have to get into a space where you allow each other to simply BE the person he/she is. No one needs "fixing". Perceptions can be shifted. Behaviors can be altered. The key is to make sure that it's what YOU want, and not what you've been told!

Food for thought! I'm available for your calls today!

Sending you angels,

Jane

Why He PURSUES & PERSISTS...Then *Poof*...Disappears!

He calls you five times a day. You get a continual stream of text messages, instant messages, emails; he's all over you like flies on a cheap suit. He can't get enough of you. He's telling you a multitude of sweet nothings in your ear about how terrific you are. You're wonderful. You're everything he's ever wanted......Then, suddenly, he disappears - like aliens abducted him off the face of the planet. What happened???? He didn't just walk away, he ran faster than Michael Phelps' swimming at the Olympics!

Why?

There are a few factors that come into play, and the most critical one is YOU. "Hunh, say what?" You ask. Yup, YOU. So, how can you keep him from running off faster than a speeding bullet as he leaps tall buildings in a single bound desperate to get away from you? Here's my list (of course, based on my rudimentary research...)

1.  Be mysterious. If he is calling you 5 times a day, only take one call and let the others go to voice mail. You don't want to be eagerly available.

2.  Keep a poker face. Yes, you love the attention that you're getting from him, so savor it. Relish in it, bathe in it and enjoy the sunlight he's pouring on you and the sweet nothings he's lavishing you with.... but smile and just say, "How kind of you" - do not return the sweet nothings.

3.  Don't text him back immediately. (Much like don't return the calls immediately). You are busy! The last thing that he needs to think is that you have no life outside of the one that he apparently wants to build with you. If you text him immediately, he KNOWS you're right there waiting.

4.  Be silent. If you don't hear from him for a couple of days, do not fret or fear. You WILL hear from him. When you do, act as if all is fine. Do NOT ask him why he hasn't phoned you.

5.  Let HIM initiate. Always keep it YOUR choice to see him. Don't ask, "When will we get together again?" because as a mysterious creature, you don't care.

IF you are immediately available; IF you are responding with bullet speed at his text messages; IF you are always lurking online and readily responding to his instant messages, IF you are always eager to meet him anywhere anytime anyplace, and IF you insist on wanting to know when you'll see him again..... you can certainly expect that he will be gone in a flash. Why? (Again, there's that why) Because the chase is fun.

Don't get me wrong, these are NOT games... it's part of the dating dance and drawing boundaries.

Bottom line (borrowed from my mother) Let him chase you until he gets caught.

6 Ways to a More Intimate Relationship

You say that your partner is stand-offish. You say that he/she just isn't present with you. I ask you to examine just what YOU can do to assist in getting closer. Here is a list I've compiled (with my rudimentary research of doing straw polls) and have come up with SIX major "Intimacy Barriers". If you can eliminate these one by one, I guarantee you'll have a closer relationship, a more fulfilling relationship, and more FUN with your partner IN your relationship.

1.  Television. T.V. is great if you're enjoying a program together. HOWEVER, there is a time and a place for everything, and sitting in front of the T.V. with the evening news is not the time or place to have dinner together. Turn on the music channel and have dinner at a real live table - not the coffee table. Set it, using place mats and napkins and maybe even a centerpiece of some variety.

2. The computer. So many of us are on the computer much of the day. (Some of us can't help it because we work on the computer).  Set your hours appropriately so that the computer does not interfere. (I have a blog in the works about FarmTown and FarmVille and YoYoVille that is ruining relationships).

3. Household chores. These can be construed as 'excuses' also. Time management is critical here. You don't want to be doing laundry at night when you can be doing something together with your partner. (take a walk, go for a drive, go bowling, etc.). Laundry should have one specific day, and the two of you should work in tandem to get it done.

4. Cooking. Although this may fall into place with household chores, it really doesn't. If you are just slapping something together without thought - or grabbing something on the go, you're missing out on a lot of fun in the kitchen. Get your partner involved somehow, some way so that you're doing this together. Don't let him/her lay like some lump on the couch while you're mastering the latest Bobby Flay recipe. ASK for help if you need. The Kitchen can and does provide a wonderful experience for closeness!

5. Once again, I'm going to go back to the Television. A television has NO business being in the bedroom where OTHER business can take place....*ahem* if you catch my drift here. HOW can you get in a loving mood with each other while Anderson Cooper is detailing the latest atrocity outside of Iraq? Again, put the music channel on, and actually TALK to each other. You'll be amazed what can come out of a simple question like: "What was your day like?".

6. Yard work. OK, again, this may fall under "household chores", but in actuality; it is slightly different. You are both outside with a common goal. If all your partner is doing is working out in the yard, and you're inside - how fun is this? Oh, sure, you may shudder at the thought of pulling weeds or raking leaves - BUT, it shows appreciation, and it will bring you together because you've accomplished something TOGETHER.

The whole point is to REMOVE those things that prevent true interaction with each other, and usher in activities that DO bring you together. JUST TRY IT! You will be grateful that your relationship grows closer, and doesn't fall the wayside or taken for granted!

 

I'm available for your calls today, and I send you angels,

Jane

Emotional Meltdowns, Fear, Attack and Other Observations....

What is it that causes us to create our emotional meltdowns? First, there's the obvious: being out of control of a situation. But, deeper than this ask yourself "What am I fearing?". Control of our circumstances is a comfort zone. We know what is happening in our worlds. It's precise and on time, and always within our reach to make changes - because we choose to make those alterations in our world. When someone else enters this bubble of ours - suddenly we are without our own entire control. We have to surrender part of this. In surrendering, we also give up that part of our bubble that, prior to someone coming into our lives, hasn't been much of a problem.

So what is the huge fear factor in sharing your life bubble with someone? Abandonment? Could it be that perhaps the person whom has entered your life won't find it to be as comfortable as you'd like? And, fear = emotional meltdown; consequently, offering the appearance that you just might be a bit neurotic?

Attack also comes from fear. Lately I've been attacked a LOT. We stroll along merrily, doing our spiritual work, and out of no where...*wham*... attacked because some that call don't like what they are being told. MANY advisors here on Keen have been hit with the drive-by low ratings. Do you call because you want the fairy tail, or do you call because you sincerely want to know what's going on around you? Just food for thought....

If YOU can lose the need to control, you lose the fear. When you lose the fear, then there is nothing that you need to control. LIVE IN THE MOMENT....Just surrender it. Simple, yes?

In theory it looks good on paper. And remember: Practice makes perfect. By the way - YOU ARE perfect just by BEING!

Available for your calls today!
Sending you angels,
Jane