Manifestation Mantras

When he doesn't call after a night out (or in) with you the minutes that pass can seem like hours and as every second passes your self-esteem takes another blow.  So why didn't he call? 

I am sure you have a list of potential reasons running through your mind - he didn't find me attractive, he thought I was boring, he used me, he has a girlfriend... it could be one, some, all or none of these things.  The more time that passes the longer the list of potential reasons get.  Have you noticed that most of the reasons he hasn't called focus on you?  What about him?  After all, he is the one that hasn't called.  His reasons could have very little to do with you! 

Perhaps he subscribes to the idea of making himself 'scarce' - the male version of playing hard to get.  Supposedly (based on some male-centric dating articles) this is a tactic that drives women wild.  In my opinion it is confusing and disorienting for both sexes to have men playing hard to get.  With this in mind it's possible that he could be waiting for you to call him.  Crazy huh?

If he isn't playing hard to get, maybe he is caught up in a work project, a family obligation, or decided he just isn't ready for a relationship.  Or, it may be true that he just wasn't that into you.  So what do you do next?  Do you call him?  If you call him what do you say? 

If you want to get past the stress of waiting for him to call take the first step - call him.  If you get him on the phone don't question him - be confident, be bold, if you truly are interested in him tell him you had a good time and you are wondering if he has plans for the upcoming weekend.  Again, don't question him about why he hasn't called or if he had a good time, or worse, whether he is into you.  Be a good listener, you can learn everything you need to know about the status of your budding or existing relationship by paying attention to the tone and cadence of his voice.  Even if it is obvious that he isn't into going out with you again at least you know even if the reason why isn't clear. 

Need to build some confidence before calling?  Want to understand where your relationship is going?  Give me a call, I'd be glad to help! 

We are all searching for 'the one' and some men who we should probably just pass on by have a knack for sucking you into their 'soulmate vortex'.  They feel like 'the one' in an instant and before you know it you are completely emotionally invested... and when it goes sour you are left feeling like you got hit by a fully loaded tractor-trailer going 80mph!

These guys seem more like girlfriends - they move quickly, discussing intimate details of their life, calling constantly, having 'deep' conversations... stuff that frankly most men do not do in the first few days of meeting a new woman.  They often start talking about 'love' before you even know each other's middle names! 

Ladies - these guys have good 'game' - they know what to say so that you feel an instant connection.  

I have heard 'he gets me' countless times from countless women who have been dating a man for less than a month.  The guy has a good rap and knows what makes a woman melt like ice cream in the middle of August.   

These guys also know when they can't continue the facade, the 'game'. They immediately plan their escape and dump the woman in question, usually in some really inappropriate way like through an email, text message, an awkward conversation or through a sudden distancing.  These women are left trying to figure out what they did 'wrong' to chase away this perfect man - the man who they felt had a real connection with them...

Ladies, most of the time this 'connection' was nothing more than a skillfully crafted mirage.

So, when these 'great' relationships end and you are left wondering what happened give me, or one of my fellow Keen advisors a call.  We can help you understand if the connection was a reality or a fantasy created by a guy's 'soulmate vortex'.

Be Well!

Jena

Alone… can you be alone?  Clear your mind and take a minute to think about that word and what it means to you.  Do you feel a sense of relief or freedom, are you fantasizing about what you’ll do first, what book you’ll read or how late you’ll stay in bed?  Or does the word alone make your chest tight, your heart beat faster and your palms sweat?

I talk to so many people out there who are afraid to be alone so they stay in unfulfilling or unhappy or even abusive relationships.  They are mistaking want for need.  These are women from all walks of life – those with big careers and great paychecks, those who work 9-5 and barely make ends meet and those who are stay at home moms… it doesn’t matter who you are, we all go through times (and relationships) where we find walking the line from want to need difficult.

Wanting someone is the positive side of the relationship – it’s the balance, you want them because they make you feel good in some way, they fulfill some desire you have, they make your knees weak… Need on the other hand is want gone bad – need is desperate, lonely and often times leaves you feeling empty when you can’t have him.  People in general can quickly pick up on your need… its instinctual; it’s put the person needed in a very powerful position.  They feel safe knowing that you are willing to tolerate almost anything in order to have them in your life.  The balance slips away from the relationship and now you are at the bottom of a hole trying to climb out.  You will never give enough, be enough, to please the person you need. 

Once you are in this kind of relationship it is a true struggle to fix it or get out.  ‘Love’ often becomes an addiction and we all know addicts often can’t find a way out of their suffocating addiction.  All hope isn’t lost though, if the person you need isn’t attempting to control you, isn’t using your need of them to their advantage in a malicious way you can find yourself on equal footing again through lots of talking, lots of sticking to your guns and a whole bunch of non-desperate love.  Find someone (a neutral 3^rd party) to talk to who can help you understand codependence and boundaries and can help you understand how you can stop the cycle.  Find something creative to do with your time that doesn’t involve a) the person you need and b) any discussion/thought about the person you need.

If you are in a relationship where he insists on being needed by constantly trampling on your feelings, hurting you to ‘get even’ or threatens to leave you regularly in order to control you, ya gotta get out sister!  He probably thrives in codependent relationships and is probably prepared to fight any efforts you make to become his equal.  I know, you are laughing to yourself… um, yeah, I’ll just up and leave… I know it’s hard, impossible and you probably can’t imagine your life without him.  That is what he is hoping you won’t do – imagine your life without him because guess what, he knows what he is doing and he is just as desperate to lose you as you are to lose him.   Again, enlist the help of a support professional, if there is abuse involved or you feel like you can’t make it on your own reach out to your family, a women’s group (there are lots on the internet) so that you can start to make a plan to get out. 

If you find yourself in this kind of messy relationship give me a call, I'd be happy to talk to you about what you can do to make a change in your life - and don't worry I don't lecture and I'll just my intuitive gifts to help you make sense of it all. 

'I'm going to tell him if he doesn't make a choice soon I am out the DOOR!' 

Do you really mean it?  Are you willing to back your words up with action?  If you are the boy (or girl) who cried wolf you can find yourself in a pretty dangerous situation.  Why? 

Ultimatums are viewed as a kind of manipulation, a tactic used to force others into doing it your way.  They are a one-way, dead-end street; they force the other party tp act in a way that may make them uncomfortable.  Communication, negotiation and any desire to move towards an amicable solution all go right out the window.  They are used to create fear and when people are fearful they react in a defensive way.  Getting what you want is a package deal - along with your winnings you get resentment and trust issues.  Often it isn't worth it.

Ultimatums are just not a good way to battle.  When you don't intend to back up your threat or you aren't sure you can take the neccessary action your ultimatums now have become empty threats and you might as well be saying 'blah, blah, blah' when you are demanding compliance.  The other party just begins to tune you out and blow you off.

On the other hand, some ultimatums (very few) are incredibly neccessary and can lead to changes in your relationships or your life.  You should carefull examine what you want, how you intend to ask for it, and what action you'll take if you are unable to have your needs met.  Knowing that you will be able to follow through is critical.  The best approach is to always ask for what you want first, express your needs and take time to understand why the person is unable to meet them.  Don't assume that they are psychic - they aren't - and you may be sending mixed signals.

If you need help in getting what you want without causing serious damage to your relationship give me a call, I'd be happy to walk you through it!

Today is my Anniversary - I forgot, he didn't.  He woke me up with a cup of coffee and a card - true symbols of our love affair.  Why?  We are plain, not fancy.  I'm not beautiful, he isn't an international sex symbol and we both work, love our children and lead what most people would consider boring lives.  But that's okay - love can be simple and still be meaningful.  I have a good marriage, it is pretty solid, but I respect that at any time love can change, people can change, and I can change.

Being married to me isn't easy - I work constantly, I try to analyze every situation, I say weird things about people at inappropriate times - when you are married to a psychic that is how you describe situations like his favorite story, 'we were in the grocery store and she just blurted out, hey that guy set his house on fire!' (yes I did that and loud enough for the guy to hear me, look, and move very quickly to another aisle).  But it is hard to be married to anyone!  Marriage takes work, hard work, to remain successful.  You can't lose sight of just how hard the work is or your marriage (or partnership) will fail - you have to keep watering the plants or they will lose their leaves, turn brown and die... love works that way too.  It changes, grows, and moves through 'seasons'.

So on my anniversary I am satisfied with a card and a cup of coffee and he is satisfied with the opportunity to surprise me because I completely forgot.  Love can be plain and simple.

We've all heard of 'comfort zones' and we all want to be in them!  What do you do when you reach your 'terror' zone because you haven't heard from him/her, the bill collectors are calling or you need to make a huge change in your life?

First recognize your level of anxiety so that you can do something about it immediately.  If you are feeling panic and dread, your heart feels like it is beating right out of your chest and the lump in your throat is threatening to cut off your air supply... STOP!  Sit down immediately, begin taking big deep breaths - slowly in, slowly out until your adrenaline stops pumping and you can begin to think straight again.  This powerful horomone moves all the blood from your extremities (including your head where your brain resides!) and moves it into you major muscle groups - this is the fight or flight response.  So if deep breathing seems silly to you believe me, it is based on pure science.  As you deeply inhale and slowly exhale your heart rate and pulse will decrease, blood will begin to flow to your brain and you'll be able to think again.   

The second step in the process of learning to deal with or become comfortable with life outside of your comfort zone is to recognize where your comfort zone is and what causes you to panic.  I often tell clients to carry around a small notebook and write down the event that triggered their panic.  After a few weeks a pattern emerges and you begin to recognize when you are out of your comfort zone.  This recognition allows you to actually widen your comfort zone.  Why?  Because you now recognize what triggers panic and therefore you can control it.  The longer you do this the more you'll find yourself becoming comfortable with 'scarier' things. 

The final step is enlisting help.  See a therapist, work with a trusted friend or call a Keen advisor to help you understand why you panic.  Let them point out the patterns and the potential negative over-reactions so you can start to see them through someone else's eyes.  You'd be surprised how quickly sharing fear helps you overcome it.

Be well!

Jena

If you believe your significant other is cheating what do you do to manage your suspicions?  The problem with fears of infidelity is that what starts as simple suspicion can impact your life in many ways - you may suffer from insomnia, a lack of focus or become depressed or withdrawn.  If you suspect your significant other is cheating or if you already have proof this article is for you.

The best thing to do is to not let the situation take control of your life - immediately deal with your suspicions.  There are two courses of action, you can confront your partner verbally (calmly of course) or you can 'research' the possible infidelity.  Both of these options could have negative implications.  If you investigate the possible infidelity on your own you risk your partner losing trust in you if you are completely wrong.  If you talk to your partner openly about your feelings and they aren't cheating it could damage your relationship but if they are cheating you could tip them off thus allowing them to be more careful in covering their tracks.  To follow-up on your suspicions or to understand the best course of action you can always contact me or one of the friendly advisors on Keen. 

You absolutely deserve to be in a relationship where you feel safe and you have 100% of someone's love.  Confronting the situation allows you to quickly get past it regardless if you decide to stay in the relationship or leave it behind you.  Infidelity is by far the most difficult thing to get over in a relationship.  It haunts you for a very long time and it is so difficult to repair trust at even the most basic level when your partner cheats on you.  So if you decide to stay you should come up with a plan to manage your stress and your partner should be willing to provide whatever comfort is neccessary for you to move on with your relationship.  If your partner is not cooperative in helping you move forward there is very little you can do on your on your own to 'fix' what is broken.

Open communication is absolutely key if you decide to stay in the relationship.  I suggest a good therapist who specializes in marriage or couples counseling. If you aren't honest with each other - them about why they cheated and you about how you are impacted by their infidelity - you will never be able to re-build the relationship and you could find yourself constantly obsessing over the situation.  It is also important to remember that you should be checked for STD's regardless of what your partner says about how safe they were - it is extremely important for your own health and well-being.  If it is uncomfortable to go to your family doctor or regular OBGYN (for women) then call Planned Parenthood, their testing is typically very affordable.  It will be emotional so take a trusted friend with you or make sure you have someone to talk to when you return. 

My last piece of advice - don't stay in the realtionship if it is 'dead' and can't be repaired - you are the one who will end up suffering and never getting what you truly deserve - a positive, loving and safe relationship.

If you need help in determining where your relationship is at or getting over infidelity give me a call, I'd be glad to help.

Be Well!

Jena

Do you feel guilty about something you've done?  Are you beating yourself up over it?  Are you feeling sad, depressed or stuck because of it?  If the answer is yes read on...

Why do I feel guilty about this?  Does the majority of guilt you feel come from someone else?  Do you feel guilty because of the way you were raised?  Would most people or only some people have an issue with what occured?  Think about this before you have your 'guilt sessions'.

What happened?  Write yourself a JUST THE FACTS letter about what happened.  Don't make judgment calls (I feel... or I shouldn't have... or I hurt...) and don't make excuses (I had to because....).  No emotions in the letter just what occured.  If you keep those things out you can take a look at the letter and see what the event was rather than how the event made you feel.  Sometimes this allows us to see what happened more clearly.

I need to feel guilty!  It is natural to need to feel guilty - it is part of being human.  Have some all out 'guilt sessions' with a non-judgmental person who can be honest and objective - a therapist or a friendly Keen advisor (pick me, pick me!! LOL!).  Sometimes even the most objective person you know has agendas or preconcieved notions that even they aren't aware of.  Allow yourself to wallow in it, turn it over and look at it, be one with your guilt because you are about to give it up for good.

I have to pick a date to stop feeling bad?  Yes.  Pick a date and set up a schedule.  Sounds crazy right?  It isn't.  Set up a schedule to allow yourself to think about the event for 15 minutes, 10 minutes, 5 minutes, 3 minutes, 1 minute and then *POOF* stop thinking about it completely.  If you need to do a ritual to release yourself take the letter you wrote and burn it over a candle (in the sink of course - no fires!) or bury it in the woods (NOT where you will have to walk by and think about it constantly). 

But everyone else makes me feel guilty!  If there is someone you need to apologize to go ahead and do it when you set your date and be clear that this guilt is ruining your life and you need to let it go - they do not need to forgive you for you to forgive yourself.  Let them know after this date you are not open to any further discussion about it and will immediately remove yourself from any discussion.  You may write them a letter if that works better for you (or you think it will work better for them).  Remember we have all been taught to use guilt to control others - this skill is learned from an early age so that we can make it through life before we can stand on our own two feet.  Don't let someone else control your emotions once you let it go!

If you need more advice or you want to talk in a safe, non-judgmental atmosphere give me a call!

Be well!

Jena

This article is about sex so if you are extremely uncomfortable with this topic do not read this post.

Women tend to strive for perfection in most areas of their lives but in the bedroom they will settle for less than they hoped for and less than they need.  In my private practice I often talk to women who are having difficulty in their relationships or suffer from depression and most don’t describe sex as a factor in their unhappiness unless asked.  On the other hand men have no problem venting about their frustration with sex (or lack of).  Why?  Is sex just not that important to women?  Do we not care about it?  Is there a reason why we should?

Sex is useful for more than meeting your matrimonial demands.  It is a stress reliever – the physical and emotional release of sex has many positive effects on one’s well-being.  There are a number of chemicals released during sex but my three favorites are endorphins, phenylethylamine and serotonin.  Endorphins create a euphoric and pleasurable sense of well-being; they are often what make you feel so relaxed that you drift off to asleep after sex.  Phenylethylamine is my absolute favorite because it is also found in chocolate – certain chocolate delicacies are arguably better than sex (can you say molten chocolate cake) because of phenylethylamine!  This nifty little chemical triggers the slow release of dopamine into the pleasure centers of the brain with a burst during orgasm that gives you that blissful toe-curling feeling.  A chemical many people have heard of is serotonin.  It is arguably what has the most positive and long lasting effect on depression.  Serotonin is used in modern ant-depressants as a mood regulator.  Orgasm releases a shot of serotonin that helps you feel contented, satisfied, and emotionally well. 

These same chemicals are released whether you are having sex with a partner or with yourself.  Yes ladies, I am talking about masturbation, and it is ok, in fact it is more than ok, it’s a great way to feel good.  You don’t have to feel ashamed, in fact, no one has to know!  If you have a partner it is imperative that you express yourself.  The funny thing is – most men like the idea of a woman providing them with some direction.  It can start out subtle (yes, yes, up, up) and if he doesn’t get it you can be more specific (dude, um, it’s the bump, not that hard to find).  You’ve got to take the step to be more open about sex with your partner, you don’t have to go crazy, just take some baby steps to get started.  If you are in a long term relationship you may find that he is a little startled, he probably thinks he is doing the right thing (especially with you fakers out there – no worries, we all fake at least occasionally).  Just tell him you want sex to get hotter so that you’ll be in the mood more often – most of them will see this as a ‘win’.

Seriously, I can understand why most women aren’t interested in sex – if it isn’t good it’s gross.  It’s hot, sweaty, sticky and messy… who wants that unless it comes with an orgasm?  Because most women are dissatisfied or obsessed with the way they look it becomes difficult to concentrate on getting what you want (need).  Ladies, good news is, the chemicals I mentioned above also make men ‘blind’… he isn’t going to notice all of those little things you are worried about.   

Sex really is about more than him, it’s about you too.  Don’t settle for anything but what you deserve which is a lifetime of orgasms! 

So you've been with him for awhile - either casually or exclusively - and you happen to be on his computer (or just following some unknown instinct to snoop) and you come across a personal ad on a dating site.  What do you do?

I have been asked this question a multitude of times, so often in fact that I wonder if having a personal ad while in a relationship has become a way of life - keeping one's options open like you would with your career.  This action is not to be taken lightly - it is a clear message that he is waiting for 'something better' to come along or is looking to cheat.  The problem you now face is deciding what you want.  Do you want to be with him anyway or are you ready to go?  Either way you are going to have to confront him - calmly of course  - and talk about what you found. 

No matter what you decide to do prepare what you are going to say (I recommend this approach for every crucial conversation) so you come across in an articulate way and can't be as easily manipulated.  If you decide to go it is best to state the facts and end the conversation - if you have no intentions of staying and you feel strongly about that don't allow yourself to get sucked into a conversation.  If you want to stay with this person - life can be complicated at best - it's ok, you just have to spend some time working through your emotions and deciding what you need from this person to make the relationship work and to repair your trust.  Myself or another Keen advisor can help you navigate these waters and prepare for this conversation so you can express yourself in a way that slows the emotional roller-coaster down. 

Once you've decided what you need find a quiet time, without as many distractions as possible, and talk to them, openly, calmly, and express how you feel and ask why.  Find out why this happened and how you can work together to keep it from happening in the future.  Don't accept a flimsy excuse - you need to understand the root cause or this will happen again.  Be prepared, in most cases, if the person is honest, what they say will hurt.  Also make sure you let them know that you can only give them a single opportunity to redeem themselves, this isn't a conversation you are going to have in 6 months, a year or 5 years from now.  They also have to decide whether this relationship is going to work for them, for the long haul.  Make sure you are completely clear about your needs as well, sometimes we forget to state what we want because in emotional crisis we become caregivers even to those that have hurt us the most.

When these things happen in life or you suspect your significant other is cheating (or in this case attempting to cheat) give me a call, I'd be glad to help.  I offer 3 free minutes to anyone who emails me!

Be Well!

Jena

You are just sitting there in front of the computer innocently searching for something to buy your man for his birthday (ok and maybe sometimes the discovery isn't so innocent)... when wham, like a Mack truck hitting you at 75mph you realize that your man, the one who shares a bed with you, the one who has seen what you look like when you roll out of the bed in the morning, is looking a porn... maybe even PAYING for porn on the internet.  You try to imagine him with the mouse in one hand and tissue in the other and you gag!  There isn't anything (short of an actual affair) that could cause such a rush of emotions - anger, sadness, self-doubt, fear... oh and did I mention the huge hit to the self-esteem?

This behavior shouldn't shock us, the porn industry is worth billions and it certainly didn't get that way because only single, lonely, nerdy guys sit in front of their computers watching porn... even if the reality is that most men enjoy porn occasionally (and they prefer to hide it) it’s one of those things that will impact us no matter how stable/unstable our relationship is, or how often we have sex with our partners.  If you asked me before I discovered the porn if he ever looked at it I would have giggled and said, ‘of course!’ But once it is right in front of me it felt like cheating and well, it is to a certain extent (IMO).  Men are more physical, women are more emotional... imagine how our men would react if they caught us chatting with other men online - hanging out with 'emotional friends' (a guy that fulfills your emotional needs not your physical needs)... would they consider it cheating?  OF COURSE!  Would they be jealous, of course! 

So how do you handle it?  If you are comfortable clicking past it and forgetting about it then go for it... if you feel like you can't look at him the same way again then you have to talk about it.  It’s a delicate conversation - one I am sure he doesn't want to have.  Responses go from it wasn't me, it was the cat… to… it is none of your business, how dare you look at my 'personal stuff'.  The problem with this kind of conversation is that if he becomes defensive you feel worse - now he is defending cheating?  You'll start to ask all the fear based questions - am I not enough, don't you love me, aren't you attracted to me... and no matter what he says you won't believe it.  You may start to blame yourself.

Try to approach it differently.  When I found ‘the porn’ I freaked out!  I not only confronted I started to look through his ‘stuff’… his wallet, his car, his internet history.  I learned how to find information he thought he erased… I got, well, a little crazy.  It started to eat up my time and my mind.  I realized that I started questioning my own self-worth, my ability to please him; I started thinking way too much during sex.  I started watching him – was he looking at that chick walking across the street, did he notice that girl’s thong, was he wishing I was more like her?  My life was consumed by negative thoughts.  I had to stop myself – a little bit of porn had ruined a lifetime of self-esteem.  I realized I needed to get control.  I realized I had two choices (like the song)… should I stay or should I go now?

I decided to stay.  I spent hours talking to friends and hours crying.  I still think its cheating, I occasionally find myself wandering in places I don’t belong on the computer (unless I want to start the cycle all over again).  I went to him and asked if we could have an uncomfortable conversation if I promised I wouldn’t get angry, and if he was ok if I cried.  He agreed, although he was skeptical of my ability to remain calm (hell, I was skeptical).

I still cringe at the thought of those site names and the picture of the whole scenario. But who likes thinking about their guy in that light? Sitting in front of the computer with a handful of tissues and the mouse, eye on the door in case I come in – I finally realized it must look silly and to this day when I start to think about it I imagine him doing just that and I giggle.  If he understood my capacity to fantasize he’d be jealous!  I started to come to the conclusion that the last thing I want to do in a relationship is stifle someone and in turn stifle myself (or worse, create unnecessary negativity in my life).    There are some things in a relationship you don’t need to know every single detail of.  I don’t like secrets or lies so I don’t want to create an environment in my relationship where they are necessary.  It took a long time for me to get over the hurt and deal with all of the emotions but eventually I did.  The experience is different for everyone and the feelings created are unique to your situation.

Do you need help working through something you found or assistance understanding why he is behaving this way?  If so give myself or one of our friendly Keen advisors a call, I know everyone would love to help.  If you'd like free minutes to give me a try just send me an email!

Be Well!

Jena

What does that mean?  The 'better' you know someone the more you realize you didn't really know them at all.  Sounds strange right?  We often start relationships with positive feelings - the warm and snuggly, fuzzy bunny feelings that keep us from seeing what is behind the facade.  After all everyone puts their best foot forward when they first meet someone. 

After you start to loose that warm tingle that spreads from your head to your toes every time you seem them it's possible you will start to see the person for who they truly are and in some ways you may be disappointed. As Shrek says, ogres are like onions and I agree!  It just depends on the kind of ogre you've fallen for!  Shrek happens to be a big lovable and caring guy under all those layers, more of a parfait (as Donkey pointed out) than an onion but you might find that your new love is in fact an onion - not only smelly and makes you cry but is also manipulative and not at all what you expected once you peel the layers back.

So what do you do about it?  Know that once you enter a relationship that you have a blissful period - especially in the early stages that includes first sexual encounters (I wrote an article awhile back on the horomones that make you feel soooo good post sex if you want to check it out here is the link, it's good reading http://www.keen.com/CommunityServer/UserBlogPosts/Jena/Sex--what-is-everyone-so-worked-up-about/279753.aspx ).  If you recognize that there is a period where the other person can do (almost) no wrong you can also make plans to analyze the person's behavior and general character after a period of time. 

This may sound a little 'odd' but hear me out if you've had relationships that just didn't go as you expected them to - keep a journal of your relationship so you can look back and see where you have been with this person.  Did they answer your text messages within minutes before and now it is hours?  Did they used to initiate phone calls and now it seems like they have lost your number?  Were they rude to your best friend, parents, or dog?  Did they tell you they wanted children on your first date and now they have chilled to that idea? We're they touting women's rights and now you realize they check out internet porn whenever you aren't around?  If you write it down you will be able to go back to it once your head clears and understand what your expectations should be.  Now, keeping a journal isn't for everyone - some of us (including me) like to 'fly by the seat of our pants' and just roll with whatever happens, if that is you as well just be aware that you need to stop and take stock every once in awhile and make sure you are both still on the same page.

You could also give me or another friendly Keen advisor a call, we dedicate ourselves to getting to the bottom of these kind of situations and would be happy to help!  If you email me I'd be happy to send you free minutes to get us started!

Be Well!

Jena

So, he isn't admitting it is a relationship but you see each other every so often and heck you may even be sleeping with him... how do you tell if you are being 'used'?

There are some really obvious signs that can help you determine how he 'sees' you...

• You rarely go out in public with him, most of your visits are nocturnal and at home (or his pad);
• You haven't met his family (and they live within driving distance) or his friends;
• You know his friends because you are in the same social circle but he doesn't behave like you are an item when you are with them;
• He mostly communicates with you through simple text messages or emails (even when he isn't at work);
• He doesn't return your calls and makes no excuse for it or makes no 'real' excuse;
• He refuses to discuss your relationship at all and becomes angry if you bring it up;
• You feel like you are always 'waiting' for him to make a move that just never happens;
• He shows you no affection in public (I mean general affection not heavy petting!);
• You usually pay;
• You are always doing things for him but he doesn't do anything personal for you.

There are so many variables with the above so it's not gospel, the best thing to do is to journal about your contact with him over a period of time and the look back and see what is occuring - if you feel like something isn't quite 'right' I'd love to help you take a look at his emotions and work through your situation.  There are a boatload of great Keen advisors willing to help you understand what lies just beneath the surface!

Sometimes we are in a relationship already and we don't even know it!  Why?  He (in this case it is often a man) hasn't 'told' us yet that he is taking this dating/friendship/sex thing seriously so we are left to wonder where we stand.  We ask questions about when he is going to commit and we wonder if when he is distant if he has someone else on his mind (or in his bed). 

Often, the man in question, just isn't so good with self-expression.  He may be as confused as you are about the status of the relationship or how to move it to another level.  He just doesn't have a way with words and while he is attempting to 'figure it out' he may be getting pressure from us to commit. Why is our chatter about commitment dangerous early in the relationship? 

I've found that some men want to be 'the one' to make the decision about where the relationship goes.  Others just simply aren't ready or they have some serious baggage they need to leave behind before moving forward.  Waiting for these guys requires the patience of a saint and sometimes duct tape (hehe!). 

If he is treating you like a second-class citizen and no one knows you exist but him then it really is time to stop and think about the status of your 'relationship' and the place you hold in his life. If you feel like the one he calls when he has nothing else going on or he is interested in sex then you should question where it is going if you are uncomfortable in the situation. 

When it 'feels' like a relationship it probably is albeit an 'unannounced' one.  If you are unsure when it's the right time to 'ask' him about the status of your relationship give me or one of my fellow Keen advisors a call - we can help you understand what he is thinking and why!

Good Morning!  I will be logging on this afternoon and I will send 3 free minutes to new callers so we can get started!  I've never really worked on Keen in the afternoon but I thought I'd give it a try!

Can't wait to talk to everyone!

Be Well!

Jena