Should You Wait for Him?
By Advisor "IrishDonna"
"Should I Wait for Love?"
Most of us have asked this question sometime in our lives. It is a question fraught with pain, confusion, disillusionment and exhaustion. It usually comes on the heels of waiting a painfully long period of time while we hoped a potential partner would find the way to maintain a stable love relationship with us.
We ask the question when our hearts tell us that we are deeply loved. The truth repeatedly comes close only to pull away. We question our sense of reality. We ask ourselves if we imagined it all or if it was real. It is one of the most painful and sometimes humiliating experiences that we as humans can endure at the hands of someone we trust with our hearts.
Unless your loved one has gone off to war or there is a physical reason to not be with you, the answer is almost always NO. We all know in our hearts that to continue to wait is probably going to bring us more pain, of which we have typically already suffered enough. Waiting is not natural in life. Waiting is stifling and painful and we all know that we are meant to live our lives to the fullest. So how do we move forward, how do we not give up on someone, yet go on with our lives as a practical matter?
The answer is simple: make plans. Decide that until the person takes action, your life will always move forward. Not waiting doesn't mean giving up hope, or that you can't always hold that person in your heart, or love him deeply.
It simply means that until your potential partner learns or chooses to take the actions necessary to make a relationship work, you will go forward with your own life. It means staying true to what you want. It means in the midst of pain we remember to love ourselves; this is how we get in touch with our own desires again. We remember that our pain counts and acts as our own personal GPS system, telling us something important about how we arrived at our present location. Our pain is an indicator that this person may not be the right one.
Sometimes as women we become distracted by worries about being beautiful, smart or sweet enough to win over our lover. We forget to consider whether this person's performance in a relationship meets our own standards. In the process we get lost, our internal GPS gets confused and we make decisions to stay in relationships that are not in our best interest.
The great news is that when we focus on our own lives, the answers become self-evident. The pain we carried in our hearts like a ten-pound roast disappears! The sun shines and we know joy in day-to-day activities. We flirt with the guy in line at the coffee bar, and we realize that we simply went off course and became temporarily lost on our journey. Our emotions are our perfect emotional GPS system. If it hurts too much and too often, we are probably off course in our choice. Lovers sometimes return, and when they do we can determine at that time if they are the right person for us.
Remember to be the hero in your own life and love story. Often the greatest love we can experience is the love we give ourselves. No remorse, no mistakes, no regrets. We can simply learn and move forward on our life journey. Be gentle with yourself and always appreciate the gifts already in your life and your heart will be warmed.
Breaking Up with Honor
I wish I could say that all relationships turn into ‘happily ever after’ but that is just not true. Sometimes you work hard at making a relationship move forward and it just does not have that special spark of magic needed to make it over the long haul. Other times, you entered into the relationship for all the wrong reasons and now it is time to bail out before you really hurt the other person. Nobody can really help you make the decision to stay or to go. You know in your deepest heart of hearts if the person you are involved with is good for you or not. You know whether you really love them or just want to love them. Nobody can make you fall in love, not even you. It happens or it doesn’t. So for the sake of this article, let’s assume that you are in that place where you have made the tough decision and you are going to end the relationship you are currently involved in. How do you make it as painless as possible for both of you?
Have you ever found yourself going along enjoying what you think is a perfectly pleasant relationship only to have the other person dump you without explanation? Or worse, they do it without even facing you? It is bad enough to have a relationship end, but to not even know why can cause our inner critic to come out and wreck havoc all over our poor self image. If you think that you are doing them a favor by not telling them what they did wrong, you are sadly mistaken. You are making it even worse for them then if you had simply told them the truth.
If the other person did something wrong, like you caught them cheating or they have some sort of a major flaw in your opinion, then you have to make up your own mind how best to word things. If they do not ask you why you are breaking up, then I guess you could keep it to yourself. However, if they ask you why you are ending the relationship, unless you really hate their guts, you owe it to them to tell them the truth. One would hope that if it was something they could fix, that you would have at least discussed the subject with them before deciding to break up. If after trying to openly and honestly work through a problem, it just does not work, then you can tell them that it is that same problem that you tried to discuss with them earlier. They will already know that you were not happy about it.
If the person you are dumping did not do anything wrong, then tell them so. There is nothing worse then tearing yourself apart after a break up trying to figure out what you did wrong. Why did they leave you? Wasn’t everything going so nicely? Tell them the truth. If you are a player and you never stay with anyone for very long, then you should learn to say so… preferably up front at the beginning of a relationship, but if not then at least relieve them of the self-criticism that happens from not knowing why someone is leaving. If you are dumping the person because you have been flirting with someone else and have decided that the other person is smarter, better looking, funnier, wealthier, or whatever else they are, then you should tell the person you are dumping the truth. Do not tell them that you think someone else is superior to them. Tell them that you have been cheating on them and that you have found someone else. You should make it clear that you cheated because you were selfish or undisciplined not because they are flawed.
If you are going to break up with someone, you should honor them enough to do it yourself and preferably in person. If you cannot do it in person, then at least speak to them on the telephone. Do not use the Internet to end a relationship. Do not do it via any form of a Dear John letter either. There was a time when you could not get in touch with soldiers and others who were overseas any other way. However, our modern communications system is such that most people can be reached by telephone even if only occasionally. If you have made a promise to wait for someone’s return, then you can just keep your promise and break up in person if there is really no way to reach them. No, you do not need to write them love letters and pretend that you still have feelings for them, but a Dear John letter is a horrible thing for a soldier to receive and could likely send them impulsively into a suicide mission. If it is at all possible, wait until they are home on leave.
Do not send your friend to do it for you and do not do it when they are going to have to be seen in public for the next few hours. Do not do it during a lunch date when you know they have to go back to work. Do not do it on the way to a major event. Do not call them at work to do it. Do it in person on a Friday evening when they have the weekend off to recover before going back to work on Monday. Make sure you time it so that they have time to ask questions and to make sense of it all. If you really feel that the two of you would be better off as friends, then tell them how much you really mean it that you want to remain friends. Sometimes we really can be friends after a break up, but it can take a bit of time. Speak to them with the same kindness and honesty that you would want someone to use with you. Walk in their shoes throughout the process.
Breaking Up with Honor
I wish I could say that all relationships turn into ‘happily ever after’ but that is just not true. Sometimes you work hard at making a relationship move forward and it just does not have that special spark of magic needed to make it over the long haul. Other times, you entered into the relationship for all the wrong reasons and now it is time to bail out before you really hurt the other person. Nobody can really help you make the decision to stay or to go. You know in your deepest heart of hearts if the person you are involved with is good for you or not. You know whether you really love them or just want to love them. Nobody can make you fall in love, not even you. It happens or it doesn’t. So for the sake of this article, let’s assume that you are in that place where you have made the tough decision and you are going to end the relationship you are currently involved in. How do you make it as painless as possible for both of you?
Have you ever found yourself going along enjoying what you think is a perfectly pleasant relationship only to have the other person dump you without explanation? Or worse, they do it without even facing you? It is bad enough to have a relationship end, but to not even know why can cause our inner critic to come out and wreck havoc all over our poor self image. If you think that you are doing them a favor by not telling them what they did wrong, you are sadly mistaken. You are making it even worse for them then if you had simply told them the truth.
If the other person did something wrong, like you caught them cheating or they have some sort of a major flaw in your opinion, then you have to make up your own mind how best to word things. If they do not ask you why you are breaking up, then I guess you could keep it to yourself. However, if they ask you why you are ending the relationship, unless you really hate their guts, you owe it to them to tell them the truth. One would hope that if it was something they could fix, that you would have at least discussed the subject with them before deciding to break up. If after trying to openly and honestly work through a problem, it just does not work, then you can tell them that it is that same problem that you tried to discuss with them earlier. They will already know that you were not happy about it.
If the person you are dumping did not do anything wrong, then tell them so. There is nothing worse then tearing yourself apart after a break up trying to figure out what you did wrong. Why did they leave you? Wasn’t everything going so nicely? Tell them the truth. If you are a player and you never stay with anyone for very long, then you should learn to say so… preferably up front at the beginning of a relationship, but if not then at least relieve them of the self-criticism that happens from not knowing why someone is leaving. If you are dumping the person because you have been flirting with someone else and have decided that the other person is smarter, better looking, funnier, wealthier, or whatever else they are, then you should tell the person you are dumping the truth. Do not tell them that you think someone else is superior to them. Tell them that you have been cheating on them and that you have found someone else. You should make it clear that you cheated because you were selfish or undisciplined not because they are flawed.
If you are going to break up with someone, you should honor them enough to do it yourself and preferably in person. If you cannot do it in person, then at least speak to them on the telephone. Do not use the Internet to end a relationship. Do not do it via any form of a Dear John letter either. There was a time when you could not get in touch with soldiers and others who were overseas any other way. However, our modern communications system is such that most people can be reached by telephone even if only occasionally. If you have made a promise to wait for someone’s return, then you can just keep your promise and break up in person if there is really no way to reach them. No, you do not need to write them love letters and pretend that you still have feelings for them, but a Dear John letter is a horrible thing for a soldier to receive and could likely send them impulsively into a suicide mission. If it is at all possible, wait until they are home on leave.
Do not send your friend to do it for you and do not do it when they are going to have to be seen in public for the next few hours. Do not do it during a lunch date when you know they have to go back to work. Do not do it on the way to a major event. Do not call them at work to do it. Do it in person on a Friday evening when they have the weekend off to recover before going back to work on Monday. Make sure you time it so that they have time to ask questions and to make sense of it all. If you really feel that the two of you would be better off as friends, then tell them how much you really mean it that you want to remain friends. Sometimes we really can be friends after a break up, but it can take a bit of time. Speak to them with the same kindness and honesty that you would want someone to use with you. Walk in their shoes throughout the process.
Starving for Love
I often listen to a local evening radio show while I’m working at my computer. It’s a great show with a warm and funny hostess. Her show focuses on love and romance. People call in to request love songs because they are very happy in their present relationships. They call in to say that their hearts are breaking and to request songs to lift their spirits. They call in to request songs that they hope will make someone come back to them. They dedicate songs to moms, dads, children, soldiers, best friends, and anyone else they might love. People will call after burying a loved one to request a song that brings back happy memories of when the person was still alive. It’s a pretty sappy show and I love it. But the other night, she really ticked me off.
A woman called in to say that she loved the show and that she had been listening faithfully for years. However, she confessed that sometimes she cannot bear to listen and has to turn it off. The caller went on to say that it had been so long since a man had loved her like a love song, that she sometimes found it hard to believe that anyone would ever love her so deeply and completely. She said that she listens to the show and the men call in saying how very much they are in love with their wives or their sweethearts. She loves the show, but sometimes finds it hard to believe that men like that really exist. That’s when the normally compassionate wonderfully caring hostess blew it in my opinion.
She gave the woman a hard time about how it was her negative attitude towards love and romance that was keeping her from getting to experience it. She was trying to make the point that you have to be a complete and whole person capable of inner happiness before you go into a relationship and not to expect another person to make you into a complete and happy person. Fair enough and there is a lot of truth and importance to the message she was trying to give the caller. A bad attitude can definitely chase love away. However, she used an analogy that I found very disturbing. I believe that many people are in the position of the listener who called in. I also believe they are getting this same treatment and advice by lots of well meaning people who mean to empower them but end up just belittling the broken hearted people.
The analogy went something like this… I would love to travel and see all of the amazing wonders of the world, but my life and finances are such that I don’t get to do that. When someone tells me of a wonderful trip they’ve just taken, I don’t get jealous and bitter. I don’t tell them that I can’t bear to listen to their stories of traveling abroad. Instead, I rejoice in their good fortune and ask lots of questions because I want them to tell me everything about it. I am happy for them, not bitter and depressed. She wanted the caller to take the same approach to hearing of other people having beautiful happy relationships. I can see what she was trying to do and I think she really meant well.
Here’s why I take issue with her analogy. Love is not the same as traveling the globe. Studies have shown that love is a basic core human need just like food, water, and shelter. Traveling is not. So let’s look at this from the idea that the caller had called in about food instead of love. If someone was starving and without food most of the time, and they called in to say that they loved your show about gourmet cooking but sometimes the hunger got so intense that they couldn’t bear to listen to other callers stories of scrumptious mouth watering meals. If they went on to say that they had been hungry and without food for so long that they were beginning to sometimes fear that they would never eat again, would you lecture them and tell them that it was their bad attitude that kept them hungry? No of course not. Sometimes people live in situations were food is hard to come by regardless of their attitude. Sometimes people live in situations were love is hard to come by regardless of their attitudes too. It would not be an empowering gesture to tell the children starving in Ethiopia that they simply had bad attitudes and that if they changed their attitude, then they would see that food was in front of them all along. Why do we say that about love? Think of love along the same lines as that saying, “Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish and he eats for a lifetime.” Shouldn’t we be teaching people how to love?
I have seen with my own eyes wonderful beautiful smart women who had incredibly self-confidence and vibrant magnetic personalities that couldn’t find a good man if their life depended on it. Believing in love doesn’t mean that you’ll get love. Someone still has to show up and fall in love with you. Finding the right one is much harder then simply having a good attitude. Don’t let anyone tell you that because you haven’t found a quality match that it’s your fault because sometimes you lose hope. The fact is that if you are starving for love, then you are starving. Nobody can feel loved that isn’t. Yes, you can be grateful for the love of friends and family and thereby have the basic core human need met. But we all know there’s a big difference between living off of bread and water versus enjoying a bountiful harvest of delicious foods. It’s no different with love. You have a right to feel an ache in your heart - you are hungry.
Should You Forgive Infidelity?
If you are asking yourself that question, then somewhere within you there must be a desire to forgive the other person. After all, if you knew 100% for sure without doubts that you definitely should NOT forgive, then you would not be entertaining the question, right? You would have already said your goodbyes and would be moving on with your new life and licking your wounds. You may or may not have trust issues in your future relationships depending on how you processed the infidelity in your past. But what if you are struggling with the question? What then?
The first thing you need to look at above and beyond all else is the cheater’s character. Do they have a history of cheating on their partners? Do they have a history of cheating on you? Are they too self-centered to deny themselves whatever pleasures come along? Are they well meaning but weak? Unless someone is incredibly ugly, they are going to face temptation some time during their life. Saying no is all about having backbone, willpower, self-discipline, and the ability to truly care about another person’s feelings. Does your partner have all of those traits? If not, then forget it. Move on.
Let’s assume for whatever reason you have decided that yes your partner has the ability to be faithful and this was a one-time indiscretion. You now need to look at why they did what they did. Motivation is more important than the act itself. If you know why they cheated, then it is possible to avoid having the same triggers repeated. Were you emotionally and physically distant for so long that you may as well have pushed them into finding love elsewhere? We are a love hungry species. Our spirits die when we do not feel loved. The body will follow. You have heard of the old couples that die within a short time of each other. You have also seen the studies they have done with the baby monkeys who do not thrive and grow without their mamas. It’s the way of us to seek love. That’s our supreme motivator. So look at what caused the infidelity. If you can honestly say that yes you were completely loving and supportive and they cheated anyway, then you may want to consider walking away from them. If they give you some other reason that makes absolute sense to you and you can truly see it as a forgivable reason, then so be it. Forgive them. If they do not have a reason that makes sense to you, then do not forgive them.
The next thing to evaluate is what is at stake. What kind of a life have you built together and what does it mean to you? Do you have children together? A long marriage? A business and material wealth? What if you do not think you can trust them and yet you will lose everything that you do love by leaving them? That is something that only you can answer. Is the money, the marriage, or the children worth a lifetime of being cheated on? You decide. Maybe it is a marriage of convenience anyway and you really do not care where they sleep. Then it is going to be much easier to forgive them than if they are your one true love and your emotional health is at risk by having your heart shattered.
As you know, there are plenty of reasons to choose not to forgive and forget. But what if you have created a long beautiful life together and your partner is a wonderful parent to your children? What if you feel just as much to blame for the infidelity because you had pushed them away for too long? What if they had made an honest effort to work things out with you but you just kept pushing them away? What then? Just because you want to forgive them does not mean that you can forgive them. How do you forgive and forget? The bible may tell us to turn the other cheek, but how? How do you do it? There is a big difference between saying, “I forgive you” on a generic spiritual level and saying, “I forgive you” on a personal heart-to-heart level. The key to real forgiveness must involve trust. At some level you have to really believe in your heart of hearts that you can trust this person to never ever repeat such a painful choice again. If you do not really believe that, then you are not really going to forgive them and the underlying resentment will eat away at whatever is left of the foundation of your relationship.
I believe that the most important barometer of how easy or hard it is to forgive is how they behave after the event. Do they browbeat you with comments like, “Look I said I’m sorry. Get over it already.” Or are they beating themselves up for having caused you this pain? Are they offering to jump through hoops to prove to you that they have learned a horrible lesson and will make damn sure it never happens again? The intensity of their apology and their willingness to allow you to feel the pain of it will have a direct impact on your ability to heal from the infidelity and on their ability to rebuild trust in your eyes. If they demand that you simply trust them on their word and they have done nothing to show you that they are taking full responsibility for the broken trust, then leave them. It’s not your fault that they broke the trust even if you were not emotionally available to them, the breach of trust was done on their part. You cannot force yourself to trust someone again. Just like when our teenagers lie to us and have to earn back our trust, it is no different between adults whether the trust was broken in a marriage or a business relationship. It is their job to recreate that. They need to find their own way back.
Should You Forgive Infidelity?
If you are asking yourself that question, then somewhere within you there must be a desire to forgive the other person. After all, if you knew 100% for sure without doubts that you definitely should NOT forgive, then you would not be entertaining the question, right? You would have already said your goodbyes and would be moving on with your new life and licking your wounds. You may or may not have trust issues in your future relationships depending on how you processed the infidelity in your past. But what if you are struggling with the question? What then?
The first thing you need to look at above and beyond all else is the cheater’s character. Do they have a history of cheating on their partners? Do they have a history of cheating on you? Are they too self-centered to deny themselves whatever pleasures come along? Are they well meaning but weak? Unless someone is incredibly ugly, they are going to face temptation some time during their life. Saying no is all about having backbone, willpower, self-discipline, and the ability to truly care about another person’s feelings. Does your partner have all of those traits? If not, then forget it. Move on.
Let’s assume for whatever reason you have decided that yes your partner has the ability to be faithful and this was a one-time indiscretion. You now need to look at why they did what they did. Motivation is more important than the act itself. If you know why they cheated, then it is possible to avoid having the same triggers repeated. Were you emotionally and physically distant for so long that you may as well have pushed them into finding love elsewhere? We are a love hungry species. Our spirits die when we do not feel loved. The body will follow. You have heard of the old couples that die within a short time of each other. You have also seen the studies they have done with the baby monkeys who do not thrive and grow without their mamas. It’s the way of us to seek love. That’s our supreme motivator. So look at what caused the infidelity. If you can honestly say that yes you were completely loving and supportive and they cheated anyway, then you may want to consider walking away from them. If they give you some other reason that makes absolute sense to you and you can truly see it as a forgivable reason, then so be it. Forgive them. If they do not have a reason that makes sense to you, then do not forgive them.
The next thing to evaluate is what is at stake. What kind of a life have you built together and what does it mean to you? Do you have children together? A long marriage? A business and material wealth? What if you do not think you can trust them and yet you will lose everything that you do love by leaving them? That is something that only you can answer. Is the money, the marriage, or the children worth a lifetime of being cheated on? You decide. Maybe it is a marriage of convenience anyway and you really do not care where they sleep. Then it is going to be much easier to forgive them than if they are your one true love and your emotional health is at risk by having your heart shattered.
As you know, there are plenty of reasons to choose not to forgive and forget. But what if you have created a long beautiful life together and your partner is a wonderful parent to your children? What if you feel just as much to blame for the infidelity because you had pushed them away for too long? What if they had made an honest effort to work things out with you but you just kept pushing them away? What then? Just because you want to forgive them does not mean that you can forgive them. How do you forgive and forget? The bible may tell us to turn the other cheek, but how? How do you do it? There is a big difference between saying, “I forgive you” on a generic spiritual level and saying, “I forgive you” on a personal heart-to-heart level. The key to real forgiveness must involve trust. At some level you have to really believe in your heart of hearts that you can trust this person to never ever repeat such a painful choice again. If you do not really believe that, then you are not really going to forgive them and the underlying resentment will eat away at whatever is left of the foundation of your relationship.
I believe that the most important barometer of how easy or hard it is to forgive is how they behave after the event. Do they browbeat you with comments like, “Look I said I’m sorry. Get over it already.” Or are they beating themselves up for having caused you this pain? Are they offering to jump through hoops to prove to you that they have learned a horrible lesson and will make damn sure it never happens again? The intensity of their apology and their willingness to allow you to feel the pain of it will have a direct impact on your ability to heal from the infidelity and on their ability to rebuild trust in your eyes. If they demand that you simply trust them on their word and they have done nothing to show you that they are taking full responsibility for the broken trust, then leave them. It’s not your fault that they broke the trust even if you were not emotionally available to them, the breach of trust was done on their part. You cannot force yourself to trust someone again. Just like when our teenagers lie to us and have to earn back our trust, it is no different between adults whether the trust was broken in a marriage or a business relationship. It is their job to recreate that. They need to find their own way back.
Should You Forgive Infidelity?
If you are asking yourself that question, then somewhere within you there must be a desire to forgive the other person. After all, if you knew 100% for sure without doubts that you definitely should NOT forgive, then you would not be entertaining the question, right? You would have already said your goodbyes and would be moving on with your new life and licking your wounds. You may or may not have trust issues in your future relationships depending on how you processed the infidelity in your past. But what if you are struggling with the question? What then?
The first thing you need to look at above and beyond all else is the cheater’s character. Do they have a history of cheating on their partners? Do they have a history of cheating on you? Are they too self-centered to deny themselves whatever pleasures come along? Are they well meaning but weak? Unless someone is incredibly ugly, they are going to face temptation some time during their life. Saying no is all about having backbone, willpower, self-discipline, and the ability to truly care about another person’s feelings. Does your partner have all of those traits? If not, then forget it. Move on.
Let’s assume for whatever reason you have decided that yes your partner has the ability to be faithful and this was a one-time indiscretion. You now need to look at why they did what they did. Motivation is more important than the act itself. If you know why they cheated, then it is possible to avoid having the same triggers repeated. Were you emotionally and physically distant for so long that you may as well have pushed them into finding love elsewhere? We are a love hungry species. Our spirits die when we do not feel loved. The body will follow. You have heard of the old couples that die within a short time of each other. You have also seen the studies they have done with the baby monkeys who do not thrive and grow without their mamas. It’s the way of us to seek love. That’s our supreme motivator. So look at what caused the infidelity. If you can honestly say that yes you were completely loving and supportive and they cheated anyway, then you may want to consider walking away from them. If they give you some other reason that makes absolute sense to you and you can truly see it as a forgivable reason, then so be it. Forgive them. If they do not have a reason that makes sense to you, then do not forgive them.
The next thing to evaluate is what is at stake. What kind of a life have you built together and what does it mean to you? Do you have children together? A long marriage? A business and material wealth? What if you do not think you can trust them and yet you will lose everything that you do love by leaving them? That is something that only you can answer. Is the money, the marriage, or the children worth a lifetime of being cheated on? You decide. Maybe it is a marriage of convenience anyway and you really do not care where they sleep. Then it is going to be much easier to forgive them than if they are your one true love and your emotional health is at risk by having your heart shattered.
As you know, there are plenty of reasons to choose not to forgive and forget. But what if you have created a long beautiful life together and your partner is a wonderful parent to your children? What if you feel just as much to blame for the infidelity because you had pushed them away for too long? What if they had made an honest effort to work things out with you but you just kept pushing them away? What then? Just because you want to forgive them does not mean that you can forgive them. How do you forgive and forget? The bible may tell us to turn the other cheek, but how? How do you do it? There is a big difference between saying, “I forgive you” on a generic spiritual level and saying, “I forgive you” on a personal heart-to-heart level. The key to real forgiveness must involve trust. At some level you have to really believe in your heart of hearts that you can trust this person to never ever repeat such a painful choice again. If you do not really believe that, then you are not really going to forgive them and the underlying resentment will eat away at whatever is left of the foundation of your relationship.
I believe that the most important barometer of how easy or hard it is to forgive is how they behave after the event. Do they browbeat you with comments like, “Look I said I’m sorry. Get over it already.” Or are they beating themselves up for having caused you this pain? Are they offering to jump through hoops to prove to you that they have learned a horrible lesson and will make damn sure it never happens again? The intensity of their apology and their willingness to allow you to feel the pain of it will have a direct impact on your ability to heal from the infidelity and on their ability to rebuild trust in your eyes. If they demand that you simply trust them on their word and they have done nothing to show you that they are taking full responsibility for the broken trust, then leave them. It’s not your fault that they broke the trust even if you were not emotionally available to them, the breach of trust was done on their part. You cannot force yourself to trust someone again. Just like when our teenagers lie to us and have to earn back our trust, it is no different between adults whether the trust was broken in a marriage or a business relationship. It is their job to recreate that. They need to find their own way back.
The Freedom to Fall
So you want a soulmate do you? Okay not necessarily something that big and cosmic but 'happily ever after' would suffice just fine. Maybe you have somewhat of an idea the type of person you are looking for and you want to place your order with the cosmos - 'one true love meant for only me, please and thank you.' Let me ask you this - are you ready? Are you worthy? Do you have the freedom to fall madly head over heals in love? Have you made a space for that one true love to fit so beautifully nested into your life? Don't be foolish and assume that all things will just naturally fall into place once they show up. Come on now, you know better than that. Life doesn't play that way.
The rules of manifesting dictates that you have to make room for that which you are wanting to attract into your life. You know that two things cannot occupy the same space. When we want new clothes, we have to first clear out the old ones from our closets as part of letting the universe know that we are making ready a space for that new wardrobe. Nature abhors a vacuum; something will come to fill that space. The closet never stays empty for very long does it?
So have you made a space for your beloved? Are you single and free? Free to fall does not just mean that you are technically not dating or married. You can be married to your job, your hobbies, your workout routine, your children, your pets, your church, your parents, or the memories of someone you are no longer intimate with. You can have these things in your life and walk within balance knowing that they are not the one true love that feeds that place in your soul that only a romantic partner can fill. However, when you replace the love of 'happily ever after' with your career or with parenting, then you have given your beloved's special place away to another. You are married in essence to that which has taken the place of a strong romantic bond.
Are you married or involved with someone else while calling your soulmate to you? Perhaps you want your new love to rescue you from your current situation. Perhaps you feel too vulnerable and afraid to be single until the right one comes along. Perhaps you are simply selfish and do not want to do without someone in your life. Whatever the reason, you want to create a new love before leaving the failed relationship.
It's no good. You are telling the universe that you do not trust it to provide you with real love. You are also telling the universe that you are not strong enough to hold up your end of a relationship. If you cannot show integrity towards the one you are ending with, then how are you supposed to be honest with the new one? If you are not strong enough to be single and walk alone until the right one comes along, then you do not deserve your soulmate's presence. Soulmates are not magical healers and fixers of life. They are your twin soul. They are you in a second body. If you are not strong enough to wait for that one, then you cannot have that one.
"Okay," you say, "then just give me a really nice person that I can happily spend the rest of my life with. You are right, I'm not all that strong and I'm not really able to be alone for any length of time. So, just give me a very nice person that's not quite a soulmate." Relationships created in desperation, need, and greed very rarely work out. What you have just told the world is that you are desperate and anyone will do. And that is what you will get, anyone -not the one. You must be romantically unattached when you begin your search for love. It's karma, it's trust, it's morals, it's only fair.
And what of your overall worthiness - are you worthy? This is not a beat yourself up question. Imagine that special person is alive and real flesh and blood person out in the world searching this very moment for 'happily ever after' just like you are. Are you the kind of person that you would spend time searching for? If the person meant for you were indeed your perfect match, what would they look like? How would they behave? How would they feel and respond? Look into the mirror my friend - are you what you are looking for? Until the person you see in the mirror is worthy of your love and attention, then you will not recognize your twin soul. For they share your essence. Become the type of person that you would want to find and in doing so you will become the kind of person that your rightful partner wishes to find. Now you will be able to recognize each other and accept each other. Trust me, there is nothing worse than finding your soulmate when you are both screwed up and dysfunctional -intense and ugly, rather than intense and beautiful.
If you want to call a magical cosmic kind of love into your life, then you must look at what your life is right now. Is it inviting and warm? Would it nurture or challenge true love's growth? Are you ready, really ready? Is the space in your heart, in your life, in your bed where only one's most treasured beloved belongs cleared out and available for them to lay their weary head once they do find you? My father used to tell me that he had pockets sewn all over his heart and each of us had a special pocket in which nobody else could fill. Is the 'happily ever after' pocket of your heart big enough and ready? Is there space for real love in your life? Are you free to fall
Fear of Rejection
Getting the nerve up to ask someone to go out with you can be very difficult. There are a lot more reasons to be afraid than there are for being brave. Many of us have self-esteem issues firmly rooted in our childhood stories that hold us frozen and afraid to really reach out to others. Our parents, siblings, or neighborhood friends taught us that we were less than beautiful, that we are not clever enough, wealthy enough, or likable enough. A string of broken hearts and failed relationships can only add to the fear that perhaps those people were right and we really are not all that lovable. But oh, how our souls long for someone to love who will love us back, forever.
One of the greatest crimes to mankind is that our childhoods are often so messed up. Few parents really know how to teach their children about how to earn self-esteem through hard work, tenacity, and successfully accomplishing our goals. We are not taught how to self-manage, self-monitor, self-discipline, and create a sense of self-respect that holds strong regardless of what naysayers may think of us. Most of us did not have parents who sat down with us on a regular basis to show us examples of everyday average looking people finding other everyday average looking people to fall in love with. We were left to define love, romance, sexuality, and ourselves according to our peers, television, movies, and fashion magazines. Is it any wonder that very few young adults start out with a healthy positive self-esteem?
It only takes a handful of unexplained or lame rejections before an average guy assumes there must be something very unappealing about him. Why else would all of these girls be turning him down? It only takes a handful of men playing the field pretending to be interested in more than just sex, before a woman thinks that all men are creeps or that she is not worthy of anything more than a one-night-stand in the eyes of men. Nobody wants that kind of pain and rejection. Most of us have just enough self-respect to say, ‘I’m not going to do that again’ and then we shut down, no longer asking anyone out and not accepting anyone’s invitations to begin dating. Studies show that we are moving towards a nation full of single adults all living alone. More and more children are being raised in single parent households with no role model of what a marriage of any kind would even look like on a daily basis. Our isolation and fear of rejection is being taught to our children. Protect yourself at all costs; don’t let anyone get close enough to hurt you. It’s just not worth the effort to even try anymore.
Mankind is a social animal. We were never designed to be hermits in a big city. We become depressed and physically ill as we become more and more lonely, isolated, and disconnected. Not even a deep connection to a source of spirituality higher than ourselves is going to heal our broken hearts. If anything, it just makes us long for heaven where angels and gods must love us. Mankind must learn to connect with each other on a deeper heart-to-heart level. Shallow superficial marriages are never going to be acceptable again. That may have been okay for generations past, but we do not have to get married to have sex any more. We do not have to get married to have a man provide food and shelter for us anymore. We do not have to get married to have children anymore. We can argue all day long as to whether or not it was better back when those taboos existed, but the simple fact is they do not exist anymore and we are never going to embrace them again. We want our relationships to be about something far more important than society says we are naughty if we are not married.
So now what? How do we begin to date again, to build real unions of the heart, how do we make ‘happily ever after’ into a part of our reality? We are all so broken and flawed, or so we think. Remember this, most people are far more insecure than they let on. There is a reason that the search engines show phrases like ‘improving self-esteem’ and ‘building self-confidence’ are such popular topics. We need to learn more about who we really are, what we really need as opposed to what we simply want, and what gifts do we have to offer a companion. Really get to know yourself as a beautiful mix of characteristics, traits, flaws, and gifts. Set some goals that are just beyond your reach and work hard to accomplish them. Then do it again with a little bit tougher goal. Find real self-esteem, real self-respect, and your real inner beauty as a soul of substance inside that body of yours. Learn how to take care of your body. It is a gift you want to share with your future partner, isn’t it? Become the kind of person that your ideal partner would want to be with for the rest of their life.
Once you are feeling strong and beautiful, then go out and begin looking for other people who have the glow of someone who feels strong and beautiful. Do not just look for visually attractive people. Look for people with that glow and inner light that comes from inner beauty. Find it inside of them and ask those people if they want to date you. Say yes you will give it a try when those types of people ask you out. Give them the benefit of the doubt. Those are the people who will be kind and honest even if the two of you decide that it is not the perfect match. They will not be hurtful and ugly about breaking up and neither will you. You will find that if you are at your best and you feel good about yourself, you will become a magnet to all kinds of people, especially those who are not feeling very good about themselves. This has nothing whatsoever to do with physical beauty; it is about an inner light that shines for all the world to see. We as a species have always loved those people with that glowing energy of inner peace and inner beauty. Do it for yourself, role model it for the children, and do it for that special someone out there who is searching the globe for someone just like you. Do it because your soul longs for it.
Money Equals Love
When we think of prosperity and of creating abundance, it is easy enough to see how working at a job that we love helps us to earn more money than if we worked at a job we hated. We can see that if we add plenty of love and warm-fuzzies towards how we treat our coworkers, bosses, employees, and customers, then it makes sense that people will like doing business with us and we will earn more money. We can understand how putting our love into the goods and services that we sell makes for superior products and therefore raises the perceived value of our goods and services. Here is the hard part… it holds true in our personal relationships too.
How many women complain that their husbands do not spend enough time with them? The wife complains that her husband does not appear to really care about her. She thinks there is a lack of deep emotional connection between the two of them. “You don’t say that you love me! Therefore you must not love me!” He quickly points out that his lack of flowers and romantic words does not mean that he does not love her. After all, he works hard to earn enough money so that she can live in the house they share and so that she can choose to work, shop, raise kids, or whatever it is she does with her time. She says that she appreciates the money, but it is not the same as love. The argument can be condensed down to this… she does not see money as a symbol of love the way that he does. So many men feel under appreciated for their long hours working to support their families. And they feel that they are unfairly bitched at for not spending enough quality time with the wife and kids.
Time is money. That makes sense. Bosses hire employees for their time on the job. Most people are paid an hourly wage or a monthly salary. How much they are paid per unit of time is determined by their expertise and the quality of work they perform. However, the boss is paying his employees to do what he does not have the time to do himself.
Love is time. When you love someone, you naturally want to spend quality time with them. You miss them when they are gone too long. Go to any retirement home or a home for abused children. The most important thing to these people is the personal time that you give them. Studies have shown that teenagers who spend a great deal of quality time with their families are far less likely to experiment with drugs and alcohol. When you volunteer your time to a charity, a school, or a political campaign, it is because you love what it stands for.
Time is a non-renewable resource. We have a set number of hours each day that we can experience life. We can fritter it away laying out in the yard on a sunny day doing nothing much or we can organize the heck out of it making sure we live every single moment to the fullest. Sometimes we find out in advanced that we are sick and have x number of days, weeks, months left to live. Usually, we have no idea how many days we have left.
So, when we give the boss our time in order to earn money for those that we love, then we are in a way giving the loved one our time. The husband could decide that he would rather sit around watching TV all day or he would rather go fishing, but instead he goes to work everyday so that his family can have a nice house and nice things to put in it. He has given her his fishing time and his TV watching time. Yeah, he still needs to spend some time talking and connecting on an emotional level because all money and no romance is very lonely. However, she needs to see that he has in a roundabout way given her his time and energy. He really is trying to give her a gift from his heart.
To illustrate the point even further, we love professional athletes, musicians, actors, and other entertainers so much that we will pay a fortune to see them perform. Those highly paid athletes are making that kind of money because we love them! If we did not love them, then they would not get the ticket sales. It would not matter how well they threw the ball if nobody wanted to watch them do it. Famous celebrities are rich because a lot of people love their work.
This is not to say that it is okay to give money in lieu of love, but rather that for many men, this is their greatest symbolic gesture. Remember too, they are hunters at heart. The caveman had to bring in the dinner or his loved ones would perish. They give money like women give hugs and kisses to babies. Look at the single mom who cannot spend time with her children because she is always working to financially support them. It is not because she does not love them. The same thing holds true for two-income families, the mothers do not love their children any less just because they are gone working instead of home baking cookies. Men need to remember too, that ONLY giving money as a symbol of their love is like a woman ONLY cooking and cleaning as a symbol of her love. Both are huge gifts of the heart, but they are certainly not the only gifts that are needed for a strong bond.
Money does equal love, but there are many additional forms of love to share. Women hate to feel like they are just a paid housekeeper, cook, and chauffeur in a relationship. Men hate to feel like they are just a life support system for a wallet. Money cannot buy love and love alone will not create money, but the two are able to be converted back and forth into each other. The one can equate to the other. Love can make you prosperous, and sometimes money means ‘I love you
Too Many Divorces
My oldest son asked me something the other day about all the news regarding the high divorce rate. I told him there aren’t too many divorces, there’s too many marriages. Most people get married without really knowing who they are marrying or just how big of a commitment they are making. Heck, most people get married before they even know themselves very well. When the reality of it all hits them, they are either stuck in a bad marriage for life, or they get a divorce. Education is the solution.
Know yourself well before committing yourself to a life of marriage to another person. Are you really ready? Are you done playing the field? Do you still have wild oats to sow? Is your career or higher education going to get in the way of your ability to really build a life with someone else? What are your beliefs about marriage? Are you a high maintenance or low maintenance personality? Are you ready for kids? Do you even want kids? How exactly do you plan on raising them? Are you going to be a smothering parent or one who pushes the child into independence? Tough love or doting? What kind of financial lifestyle do you want? Can you achieve it before you have kids or should you wait and have kids later when you’ve set things up just so? How much intimacy do you want, need, prefer? How accommodating are you to other people’s needs? Are you a team player or a bit self-indulged? There are no right or wrong answers; you just need to have your eyes wide open for the sake of your future spouse. You need to be able to tell them straight up what it is you are offering. What exactly does “let’s get married” look like to you?
Know your partner before proposing or accepting their proposal. Are they really ready? Do you trust them not to cheat? What are their career aspirations? What are their spiritual beliefs and how important are they to them? What religion does your partner want to raise your children in? Are they high maintenance or low? Do you have what it takes to please them? Are they the type that will naturally please you without having to force yourselves to take care of each other? Do they want kids? If so, when? What kind of financial lifestyle do they want to raise a family in? Are they the type to want to just dive in and trust that everything will turn out okay or do they have a plan that they’re going to want you to agree to and follow with them? What is their parenting style and beliefs? How much intimacy does your partner like? How well do they compromise with others? Again, there are no right or wrong answers, but you need to know these things about the other person before agreeing to marry them.
I heard a wonderful New Age definition of marriage recently. They said marriage is the act of agreeing to live out someone else’s karma with them. So ask yourself, what’s my partner’s karma look like? What comes around goes around. What are they putting out into the world? And what kind of energy are you putting out into the world? Would it be fair to ask someone to join you in your karma? Be honest.
Young people really need to be educated as to what marriage is. So many girls accept the first proposal that comes along assuming it’s the best they’ll ever get. The fear of being alone makes us afraid to say “no” to someone who is not necessarily the right partner for us. I suspect the boys are doing the same thing. Our fear of being alone and our low self-esteems make us desperate to couple up without really checking out whom we are going to be with and what it is we have to offer them. Add to that the dizzyingly wonderful high that first comes along with falling in love and it’s almost more than folks can handle. It is only natural that we would want to stay on that high forever. When we are young, we think that the high will last forever if we get married. We are committing to the emotions, not to the cold hard facts of who we are, who they are, and what marriage together would really end up looking like. It is very difficult to do, and much easier said than done, but young kids need to take a step back and seriously look at these questions before moving forward with marriage commitments.
The adults I know who have gone through repeat marriages and divorces are all still making that same mistake. They are marrying the rush of emotions before doing their homework and finding out who they are actually in love with. We are in love with being in love. Beautiful stuff, but often a sure formula for divorce once reality hits. If we can learn how to take a step back and bring our heads in where our hearts have taken over, I think we could save ourselves a lot of heartache down the line. Yeah, we probably would not get married as early in life, because it will take a while to find the right one. But that is not necessarily a bad thing. The older and wiser we are, the better the chances that we are going to be able to openly and honestly present ourselves to potential mates.
As a society, if we would simply wait for the right one to come along, we would see a huge drop in the divorce rate. There will always be weird unexpected things that happen, but overall marriage would actually have a fighting chance at being a “happily ever after” thing again. Choose wisely and hold it sacred when you do find that special someone. Know just how rare and special they are. And give thanks daily once you find them.
Hunter and Gatherer
Deep down, we have not evolved as much as we would like to believe. Like the caveman, we still want to curl up next to someone during the dark of night so that we aren’t so alone in the cold survival game. We want to feel safe, warm, and loved inside and out. It’s hardwired into our brains. We travel in packs and we care for our young for a very long time. We need a mate to travel with, someone to love, someone to cheer when we win the battles against vicious animals, someone to guard the cave when we need to lick our wounds from the battles we lost. It’s not about being needy or co-dependent, it’s about a need for connection, partnership, usefulness, and co-creation. It’s the way humans were designed.
The male is designed to hunt and protect. He is built bigger and stronger because it is his job to protect those he loves and to provide the meat. He has an unmistakable need to stalk and outsmart his prey. He needs to physically move with speed and agility in order to actively conquer the object of his focus. His mind is designed for cunning and for calmness in battle. His life and the lives of his loved ones depend on his ability to be strong, smart, and stable. He approaches his relationships the same way. It is only natural that he is going to use those skills, which are so finely tuned and perfected. He must pursue that which he wants. The game of pursuit is his secret delight. He loves the challenge of the chase. It makes him feel alive, the life force flows through him as he scores that first smile, the first kiss.
The female is designed to gather and nurture. She is built with an eye for the smallest detail and the ability to verbalize. It is her job to gather the nuts, fruits, vegetables, firewood, and to herd the children. She has to be able to recognize the poisonous foods from the nutritious. She must recognize and gather the healing herbs in order to help her loved ones survive their various ailments. The family’s mortality rate is in her hands. She has to watch over them with a critical eye for detail, watching for the first signs of fever and sickness. If she can catch it early, her chances of saving them are higher. She uses language to keep tabs on where the children and other women are so that none are lost while foraging for the berries and such. She uses language and her magnetism to keep her loved ones near so that she can watch over them. She draws her man in the same way. If she cannot pull him into her nest, then how will she be able to look after him?
So how does that all play out now in modern times? Well, he does not have an outlet for his athletic and cunning. He hunts and battles vicariously through the television remote control. He is lost in a suit and tie world. He creates war and battle without realizing it because he has to feel that he is protecting his loved ones from an enemy. He still tends to ‘conquer’ his woman. She does not know the healing arts anymore and uses her words and keen eye to nitpick and tear down her loved ones. She overspends at the mall in order to touch that part of herself that needs to gather supplies for her family. She creates illness and scarcity so that she has an excuse to heal and gather things close to her again. She manipulates her man into marriage. Neither one knows what it is they are doing on a subconscious level to create the situations needed so that they can live out their roles.
What can we do about it? We need to acknowledge who and what we are. Quit lying to ourselves and pretending that we are civilized and enlightened. We are just cavemen with technology, laws, and manners. The core of our biological programming has not changed all that much. We are still afraid of the dark and in awe of the moon. The forces of Mother Nature and her seasons are still beyond our full comprehension. We still need each other. Most importantly we need to feel at one with ourselves. We need to rectify the world we live in today with our biological skills, drives, and motivations. We need to feel useful and that our lives have meaning and purpose. Men need to find a constructive way to hunt and protect. Women need to find a healthy way to gather and nurture. Stop arguing over things like equality and whether or not we can do each other’s jobs. It’s not important. Everyone can do everything, but that does not mean that is where our natural gifts and talents lie and it does not mean that what we choose to do is in alignment with who we really are. Move beyond stereotypes and into the core of what the human animal really needs in order to thrive not just survive.
We can start by finding an outlet for our core instinctual drives. He does not like being manipulated and nagged at anymore then she likes being conquered and dominated. Sure there needs to be a bit of these things in the initial courtship. He needs the challenge of using his physique, his cunning mind, and his abilities as a provider to win the girl. She needs to know that she can magnetically attract him to her side and that he will keep her safe from the bad guys. The strong relationships are the ones were the man keeps on impressing the woman with his cunning and ability to provide for the family’s needs. Likewise, the strong relationships include a woman who knows how to magnetize her man and how to nurture her family. Our relationships improve when we learn to use our gifts for something more constructive then just tearing each other apart.
The First Ninety Days
A friend of mine recently commented on the amazing number of romance novels written and the huge amount of money being made in that industry. He then shared his observation that these romance novels do not usually tell their stories beyond the first ninety days or so. He said people just want to read about the romance of falling in love, not of the day-to-day life of being in long-term relationships.
I told him that it is not necessarily ninety days, but that is a fair enough number to use for discussion purposes. I went on to tell him that those first ninety days of a relationship set the tone for the rest of the time you are with someone. Typically, if a relationship goes sour in the first ninety days, it is not going to survive much longer. If on the other hand, it is a beautiful first ninety days, then the relationship has a foundation to grow on. When rough patches occur in the relationship, the couple often looks back to that honeymoon stage for inspiration to work through the problems. If the first ninety days does not create something worth fighting for, then where is the motivation to keep the love alive?
I thought back on some of my own relationships. I have had three major relationships as an adult. One never had a ‘first ninety days.’ I had decided to marry someone who was just a friend in order to give my two young children a chance at having a dad. He was not really my “type” and he knew that going into the relationship. The only thing that motivated me to work through the problems was my children’s desire to keep their new dad around. When he broke their trust through some dark behaviors on his part and they quit wanting him around, I was no longer motivated to bother with him. Another relationship’s ‘first ninety days’ only lasted about a month. By the time the first ninety days was over, I had gotten pregnant despite using two forms of birth control. However, during that first ninety days, he had cheated on me and done many other horrible destructive things to our relationship. For the sake of our unborn child, I would try to make it work. Finding the motivation to stick with him was very difficult because there were so few positive memories to build hope on. Another relationship had an amazing and wonderful ‘first ninety days’ that lasted for a year. As a result, I fought tooth and nail to make that relationship work long after everyone around me could see that the relationship had become unhealthy and self-destructive for both of us. All three relationships had good days and bad, but it was so much easier to believe that we could have a beautiful future together if we had had a beautiful past together.
The first ninety days is very important. It sets the foundation of ‘happily ever after.’ No relationship can be all perfect all of the time, but with a strong foundation created right from the start, couples have something to hold onto, something to call sacred and holy. That foundation should include elements of romance, trust, magic, attraction, and a like-minded long-term vision of how their life together will unfold. The first ninety days gives you something solid to believe in.
Romance novels typically end with the couple happily married and delighting in the beauty of their children. It is a safe place to end the story because they have already established a rock solid foundation to build their lives upon. Look at the ending of Gone With The Wind. Scarlett and Rhett did not set up a strong foundation at the beginning of their relationship. We were left wondering if he would ever accept her back into his heart. In the sequel, she finally creates ‘the first ninety days’ with him. She had to create an atmosphere of romance, trust, magic, attraction, and a like-minded long-term vision of how their life together will unfold. She had to be the one to do it, because she was the one who refused his attempts to create that foundation in the first movie. He then had to wrestle with his conflicting memories of the first time they had been together as a couple and the second time they were together. He eventually gets in touch with that part of himself that had loved her all along. They finally can end the story with ‘happily ever after’ because the foundation was finally built and accepted as real. It is not very often that people get a second chance to create the first ninety days.
I love to ask couples that have been happily married for a long time how they met. I also ask them how they knew this was the right person for them. Their stories of the first ninety days are always beautiful and often last longer than ninety days. So many of them are love at first sight stories. So many of them have one basic element that flows throughout the entire story of their relationship. Just like in the first ninety days, every time they really take a long hard look at their partner, they fall in love all over again. There is something enchanting about that other person that no matter what happens, they keep falling in love with them, over and over and over again. They relive that first ninety days regardless of life’s ups and downs. They seldom tell stories of losing faith in the relationship or of ever really wanting to walk away.
Romance novels sell so well because we love the stories of romance. Movies are no different than books. Look at some of the all time greatest movies that center around love stories. We love to hear of others setting up such amazing and powerful foundations that can never be torn down. It is hidden in the depths of the human soul - that need to believe that ‘happily ever after’ really happens. We especially like to see the couple overcome adversity only to have it bring them even closer together. It gives us hope. It gives us something to aspire to. We love those first ninety days.
To Know You Is To Love You
How do you show someone you love them? Do you buy them expensive gifts? Spend quality time together? Make personal sacrifices just to see them smile? Dedicate a song to them? Write a love letter or note of encouragement? Become their cheerleader? Those are wonderful things to do but my question goes deeper then those types of activities, even beyond your romantic partner. Think about your parents, your children, your best friend, your sister, or your brother… anyone you love. How do you really show them that you love them? Reverse the question if you like – how do you really know if someone loves you?
The answer lies in getting to know them. To truly love someone is to care about them to the very depth of who and what they are, what they believe, what they like, what they dislike, how they respond under pressure. It is so much more than what is their favorite color? Who is their favorite musician? All time favorite movie? It is knowing that they do not like fruit flavors in their colas, no cherry or lemon cokes. It is knowing just what temperature she likes her bubble bath. It is knowing that he prefers wearing cotton and why. It is knowing the perfect birthday present when they didn’t even know what to ask for. It is looking at each other across a room and sharing a private joke without saying a word. Loving someone is the ability to see past the polite response to “How’s it going?” and knowing that they really are not “Fine, thanks.”
How do you get to that point? You watch them. You observe them. You ask them questions. You really listen to their answers. You figure it out. Why do you put so much time and energy into it? Because you love them. Because they fascinate you. Because you really do not have anything more important to do with your time. You are really truly present. You do not ever stop. How many relationships fizzle because we simply grow apart? We grow apart because we are not paying attention to each other anymore. We are no longer connected.
Maybe you are bitter because your own needs are not being met. Fair enough. It sucks to be in a one sided relationship. No argument there. Tell them. Tell them you feel ignored, unimportant, and distant, like it just isn’t special anymore. Tell your mother you miss being really connected and close. Tell your lover you feel like the two of you are running on autopilot and it just isn’t that incredible close relationship that you once had. Tell your teenager that you hate the distance that is growing between you. Reach out afterwards and ask them to share their heart’s secrets with you. “Tell me who you are. Tell me what you dream of. Tell me, do you still love chocolate ice cream with Oreos on the side for breakfast? Tell me what your soul’s made of, and I’ll tell you about mine.” Then listen, really listen. Hear their answers.
Nobody can truly be close to me and not know that Melissa Etheridge sings to my soul. You cannot listen to her song Talking to my Angels and not think of me. If you really loved me enough to know me personally, you would know that they will be playing her song,This War Is Over at my funeral some day. You would know that I long to visit Ireland and that I love fairies because I think they are our guardian angels. You would know about “those two people” that I write these articles and stories for. You would know what “the Winnebago Years” are all about. You would know that when I am really angry and losing control that you need to distract me with something logical to wrap my brain around and I will suddenly start pulling myself back together. You would know that lying is my biggest pet peeve.
What do I know about the people I love? I know that she does not drink caffeine anymore and always orders strawberry lemonades when we go to lunch. I know when he lies to protect me and when he lies to protect himself. I know by the look in their eyes, when my children are starting to get sick. I know why she keeps trying to become a vegetarian and why she fails at it. I know that music haunts his soul even though he is stuck working as a salesman. What would I know about you if I loved you enough to really get to know you?
Are we so wrapped up in ourselves, our careers, our own personal schedules and goals that we forget to really connect with our loved ones? When was the last time you really checked into the hearts and minds of those you profess to love? We all change, grow, evolve. Are they still the same people you fell in love with? How would you know? I am not who I was fifteen or twenty years ago, or even the same person I was five years ago. Are you? Are they?
What is the greatest gift you can give someone? Your full attention and focus. Take the time to really get to know them after all these years. Fall in love with them all over again. Get to know them as if you have just met. Of course you have to honor their secrets, be loyal, do not use the information to play power games or to ever belittle them. That destroys trust. Use the information to pick out the perfect Valentine’s gift, to plan the perfect vacation, to surprise them with a movie they have never seen but will love, or to simply bring them their coffee with the perfect amount of cream and sugar before they even realized that they wanted some.
It can be as simple as asking them, “Tell me about yourself. Tell me what the world looks like through your eyes.” Create the little moments that say ‘I love you’ by knowing what ‘I love you’ looks like to them.
Fixing What is Broken
One of the hardest things to do is remaining married to someone ‘until death do us part.’ Being in love isn’t all that difficult, it’s the blending of lives, blending of belief systems, blending of extended families, and the daily hassles of putting up with the same roommate until the day you die. There are plenty of temptations to pull you away from your spouse too. The obvious example that comes to mind is the tantalizing opportunity to have sexual relationship with someone other than your spouse. However, there are other forms of infidelity; workaholic, alcoholic, shopaholic, sports addict, computer addict, drug addict, and so on. The idea is that we allow these things to take priority over our spouse. One of the most difficult things to address is the children and their ability to come between the parents. I’m not saying that children’s needs are not important, especially when they are quite young, but we do have a tendency to let their needs become so much more important than our spouse’s that the marriage can begin to fall apart. Do I even need to mention what financial problems can do to a marriage? Plenty of studies have shown that it is the number one topic couples argue about. Without judging and analyzing each of these various triggers that can add to marital problems, let’s look at the steps that need to be taken in order to fix the marriage once one or more of these things have chipped away at the marriage and things are not looking so loving, supportive, safe, and secure anymore.
The first thing you have to do is decide together that you are both vested in fixing the marriage. If one person wants to save the marriage but the other one just doesn’t care or doesn’t feel that the problems can be fixed, then you have a serious issue that needs to be addressed immediately. Without nagging, bitching, or attacking the one who does not have any more faith in the marriage, you have to find out why. Why don’t they think it can be fixed? If they are absolutely convinced that it is over and they want a divorce, then you are going to have a hell of a time trying to change their mind. It has been done, but more often then not, it’s too late.
When people want out of a marriage it is because they feel that there is nothing to save. The marriage is completely shattered in their opinion, not just a bit rough around the edges. If there is a pattern of turning over a new leaf without real changes happening, the person may feel that there is no point in trying one more time to fix things. This is especially true of addiction issues and abusive relationships. If you are the one who is sick and tired of being told that the other person will sober up and they never do, or you are on the receiving end of an abusive person and they never change, then you have a right to say, “No, there’s no reason for me to stick around.”
Typically, if both of you are still in love and neither of you has cheated, you are both relatively sober, and neither of you is abusive towards the other or towards your children, then it should not be too difficult to convince the other person that the marriage is worth saving. Both of you have to completely commit to fixing the problems and you have to look at what that means.
The second thing you both have to look at is why the relationship is broken. What happened? What issues, outside people, and other interests are being put above the marriage? Who is more important to you in your heart of hearts than your spouse? Who is allowed to treat your partner like garbage while you sit by allowing it to happen? Are there issues with one or both of you feeling that nobody appreciates what you contribute to the marriage? Is there a gross misallocation of work or resources? Does one person do all of the work while the other one sits around doing nothing? Does one person have control over the purse strings to the point that the other has to ask permission just to buy a pack of gum? Did you simply forget to keep the romantic fires burning? There are as many ways to break up a marriage, as there are marriages to break. Together, without fighting, you both have to sit down and make a list of all of the people, issues, and behavior patterns that are chipping away at your ‘happily ever after.’ It is going to be difficult not to argue and bicker about the items as they are placed on the list. You both have to remember the goal is to identify the sources of pain and problems, if you are getting worked up just writing them down on a list, then it’s a pretty good bet that they are causing the marriage to fall apart. Now, look over the list together and ask each other again if you are both committed to fixing these problems so as to save the marriage.
The third step is much easier than the other two, but can take a lot longer to accomplish. A lot of people cannot get to the third step, that is why there are so many divorces. At this point, you each have to look at the problems, influences, and issues on the list and decide which ones you personally can fix, heal, change, eliminate, solve, or forgive. Make a plan together. Which things need to be addressed first? Which things will probably solve themselves if the other problems are removed? There is often a snowball effect; one or two big problems cause many little irritating side effects. Identify the roots of the problems and attack those first. Then, you both roll up your sleeves and get to work. You know what needs done and you know that your spouse is as committed as you are to saving your marriage, so do whatever needs done. Do it as quickly as you can, dragging out the process of healing will destroy the other person’s belief that you are truly committed to the relationship. Work hard, work fast, work smart, and don’t take your eye off of the goal. No matter how difficult it is to tackle the various problems and issues, keep a smile on your face and remember that at the end of this dark place in your marriage there is a light… a beautiful loving safe light as two hearts come together as one, “until death do us part.”