First and foremost I want to sincerely apologize for not being consistently on line and finishing the line of expectation blogs. Without going into to jest of things in our every day lives, the only excuse that I have at this time is time it self, and the responsibilities of my family.
Though I have written expectations out of order there is a reason so that everything synchronizes as it should. In the past blog I have discussed how expectations can destroy relationships and how they are intertwined with our own self autonomy. I have also followed the patterns as expected from the Hindu culture and the 5 expectation and how we have to chronologically respect them. Once again they are:
- Expectations from God
- Expectations from our parents
- Expectations from our Culture
- Expectations from our lover/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend and or companion
- Expectations of Society
The guidelines of expectations of God was already recovered in my first blog in January and expectation of culture was discussed in February, now we come to a very sensitive and more subtle expectation which of our parents.
This expectation can have the most negative impact in our lives or for the positive, either way they are the grassroots for our own journey through life. If any one has been in a dysfunction situation where any negative conjugation has occurred. Usually it spills into our own children (if we have any) or even our own friends and relationships creating a flow of insecurities, co-dependency and abandonment issues. Often these issues can suffocate any relationship even those that have absolutely no love in common.
Our parents are our teachers from the time we are born to the time that we die we continue to learn and reminded of our culture, behaviors and values that have been instilled in us and how we must practice them by our parents. I will not go too deep into negatives as far as expectations are concerned , since it can be quite a controversial and touchy subject which should be discussed within the family or therapy if needed. I will only dive into the surface of expectations from our parents.
As we grow from child hood to adolescence we expect our parents to protect us from what most children call “the boogey man” or “the bad guy” the typically depending upon how we are raised a certain values are instilled as we grow up. Girls are forced to play with things that are feminine such as Barbie dolls and pebbles etc and boys are forced to play sports and be involved in studies. In the Indian Culture especially boys are turned into men at a very early age. And girls are women as early as 10.
Most Indian parents are following their ancestry of up brining through their own experiences whereas boys are men and they must support and be intelligent and macho, and girls they are dainty and they don’t need to be smart only thing they need to do is smart enough to marry and bare children since girls will soon be women and they must bare children if they don’t it would be considered a taboo. As both genders transcend the expectations become overwhelming.
In America or lets broaden the horizon by rewording in the “western culture” most parents spend a lot of time up brining up a child (please know I said most parents) they make sure their children are fed that no matter what gender they both go to school they are learned mannered and labeled as “kids” even after they are grown up. However, often that label while in dispute can often be “he/she is just a child” this label remains until 10-15 then it transforms to “he is a teenager what do you expect” this label continues from 15 to 20. And from there it is there is nothing I can do “he is on his own” from the age of 20 through how ever old one is.
However, in India boys and girls are NOT considered boys and girls they are considered as possessions of “my daughter” or “my son” no age is taken into consideration. The expectation that these boys and girls have are the same as those in the western culture, which is to be loved, nurtured and to be happy. But often that innocence is broken girls are often married into a family as early as 10 and often even give birth as early as 12 or 13 and boys are also married off as early as 14 to 15 and are fathers by the time they are 17 to 18. There is no innocence left behind. Though that the marriage issues have changed dramatically that a girl has to 18 before marriage these things continue in the Indian Society.
Having said that what are we to conclude do we differ and go back to the concept of culture? Or do we accept situation as they are accept the fact that children have more power over us than they did when we were growing up. And we often ask ourselves why? There are many simple solutions and this where we cross the boundaries between expectations and raising a child properly. If we were to the equation of Indian children and Western children and just look at children and parents, we all know that there is a form of discipline some are disciplined with love but most often it is negative. I am sure you all remember those belts and the smacking, the scoldings and most of all being grounded. Do you ever wonder why we do not do that in this day in age to our children? By having the extremities of discipline were we better people in society did it really make a difference or is that we give our children more freedom because we had none? There is no control over children now these days more and more children kill each other because there the love is missing, the boundries are gone and most of all there is no dicipline because we are afraid to be to harsh. So can we say that it was missing we had so much of it when we were growing up that we do not want to do the same our children but to remind them of how we were treated?
And furthermore what are our expectations from parents? Well I believe it all depends, if you are over 30 on there are none because I truly believe the only thing we expect now is respect all the other things are gone through nostalgia and we carry with us the pain and happiness which we take into our own children. And what are the expectations of a child under 30, I can’t help but to laugh to say EVERYTHING: Love, money, freedom without boundaries and expectation not that expectation of them to you but visa versa. Who do we blame for this chaos? I can sincerely say NO one. Only because it is not our fault that our parents instilled into us the discipline without love that we carry to make sure our children have what we did not. And it is not our parent’s fault that it carried through generations through generation.
So as parents and as children the only expectation we should have is emancipation of practice of religion and having faith that everything has its own purpose and only we change and break the pattern of dysfunctionality not through violence or regression but through peacemaking process and affection.
I can only hope that this blog allows you to look at life in a different prospective and we (if you are a parent) must stop blaming your self and encourage every positive endeavor of your child. And as children I hope you understand different generations or not parents must be respected, honored and loved just like they love you but they just don’t show it like you do.
I anticipate this finds you in good health and prosperity and the next subject will be on expectations of relationships. This will be a very interesting topic.
My God always bring you peace and serenity and may you find the answers in the Devine.
Blessings
Rudra
In the last months blog we spoke of expectations. As you are aware I spoke a lot of culture. But I want to break down culture and the chronology of expectation in the simplest forms. So, that a better understanding in your life is much simpler as well as how you conjugate situations.
Both my sister and I have studied culture to its extreme since we are both a part of a culture that has certain expectations of us and how we could change the perception of culture. There have been many books written about cultures some which are scholarly and some that are fictional base. I do not trust any that is no researched and the basis or premises are on fictional base. One of the most sought out book in areas of culture is written by Kevin Avruch, whose books were a basis of studies conducted by the United States Institute of Peace Press. Avruch begins his research on verities of culture and the approaches of culture and found that “culture is as dynamic as derivative conception of individual experiences.”(Avruch 2000: x). Thus culture is really a plagiaristic individual experiences, something that is learned, created by individuals themselves or passed on to them by social context or ancestry. In addition culture is seen as some thing as unstable or homogenous than as projected by societies. Therefore culture is homogeneous (behavioral), it’s a thing (with independent human actors), it is consistently distributed through the members of the group (effectiveness of behavioral uniformity), it is a synonymous with group identity ( ie Indian, American. Name of the culture or originality), it is a custom (what you see is what you get) and most of all culture is timeless (its about here and now). We all belong to a culture and subcultures which create a proactive role to create expectations. For example I am a Hindu living in America with Hindu parents. Thus I have a culture that is Hindu and a sub-culture that is Western and another sub-culture that is Brahmin. Thus my primary culture which is Hinduism and Brahmin will proceed/ encourage expectation than those of subcultures. Having that let’s break down the expectations as Hindus would relate to.
Boys and girls in the Hindu environment are mentally structured to place expectations as follows in this order:
- Expectation from God
- Expectation from our Parents
- Expectation from our culture
- Expectation from our lover/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend/companion
- Expectation from society.
One of the most important aspects of the Hindu culture is its uniformity of religion. We do not go to our temple once every Sunday and feel that God will forgive us. Instead our religion expects us to worship our deities on a daily basis, and have conformity in our lives in return our deities expects us to be honest, compassionate, humble, educate our selves, respect others, nurture, and learn from our experiences. Whether someone has been bad or mean to us we must learn to forgive and never take revenge as our refuge. Our deities also expect us to sacrifice our selves to our for our children as well as our parents, family virtue and customs are the grass roots of our culture, thus allowing us to be consistent and choose humility over matter. We are also taught that we can not idealize people in our lives except for our parents. We can not place any humans in front of our deities and faith and if we do then God always teaches us lessons and makes us re-learn faith and consistency. Though our deities are not punishing deities but they are learning and relearning deities.
In every day learning experience we shall never be involved in a co-dependent relationship hence this means idealizing another person and putting them in front of God. Co-dependency and obsession is a form of self disrespect and as God respects you, how can you expect him to perform miracles or heal you when you are placing someone else in front of him? A healing or miracles never occur in an obsessive, manipulative or destructive relationship. Healing always occurs when you meet the expectation of God by transforming your self into a humble and self caring individual who has faith that God will help through mourning or laughter.
Therefore, I want you to consider the notion every time you call a reader to ask your self the questions: are you obsessed? Are you placing the other person in front of God? Is your every movement based upon the other person’s actions? Have you stopped eating and resting? Have you stop enjoying life? If any of these are true than you are in a idealistic mode, hence it will only delay the progress of healing a relationship rather than obsessing. Self respect is a urgency to every God whether it is Jesus, Mohammad, Ala, Buddha, Ganesh or any other spiritual inclination which you practice. Please understand the difference between nature and nurture you must have both to complete your self and your relationship.
This month please be cautious with your communication and be kind to your self and everyone around you. One word can cause harm within seconds but it may take years to heal the wound that cut the knife to our hearts and hearts of others.
Blessings
Rudra
Relationships and Expectations
As young children we were taught how relationships work by our parents, guardians as well as our siblings. During the course of learning we were also encouraged what relationships are. As the dynamics of relationships began to develop with our most important people in our lives as children we mold certain expectations with the closest people in our lives ie to be protected, fed, clothed, educated etc. We are also taught manners and expectation of manners goes hand in hand.
Often time we grow up molding the ideology in our every day lives and have the same expectations of our lovers, family, friends and sometimes our co-workers and bosses. But we seem to forget that sometimes we do not come from the same generation or the same morals as people we involve our selves with. This becomes escalated inner conflict and outer conflicts which can destroy relationships.
Surely, we all have expectations- we would not be human without them. As we wake up we want the sun to shine and we want our home to be intact and we want the support of our family, friends and lovers, however, we can not always have that because we are not the center of the universe but the opposite-the universe should be center for us.
In Indian cultures, we are very high context culture whereas; we steer away from conflicts of all kinds, and often seek wisdom through our elders or our own higher power. The value of family honor and respect is the grassroots of our culture. Sorry, or compensation does not work in our culture, those to us are words. Our actions speak louder than our words on a daily basis. Hence we have expectations of our selves and those to our family and friends that all would be respected, honored and cared for even if they harm us through words as well as actions. We believe that for every pain that is inflicted on us by another human we will be granted sanctions through the high power by not retaliating or having a tit-for –tat actions. That in silence we will have resolute and time it self will heal our wounds as well as giving wisdom to the other as to why things happen the way they do. This is why some people consider us quite people.
Contrary to the eastern culture -western culture which is a low context culture is more verbal, and respect and honor are earned not a part of the grassroots. Sometimes when we withhold expressing our selves in a heat of anger we often escalate conflict more than we should or need to.
I am not saying either culture is correct the topic here is expectations, so how does this expectation create conflicts in our lives? When we meet a person we are independent in thought, body, mind and soul and accept the person for who they are paying no mind or attention to their idio-sycriscities, because it’s so new, fresh and good. As our relationship transits phase one of relationship conflict begins. The more time we spend with one or more people the more expectations we have and the more sacrifices we make expecting the same in return. This paradigm shift began a whole new series of phases which can lead to destroying the relationship.
Next month I will shift the focus into phase two of the conflict within relationships and how expectations can destroy the innocence of friendship which is the basis of all relationships.
Until then, I hope that this finds you motivated and looking forward to a wonderful January even if the retrogrades are taking the best of us
Blessings
Rudra
Conversation between sisters about soul mates: As potrayed in the Hindu ideology.
Rudra: “You know sis I have been reading outside of keen for so long and no one has ever asked me a question about soul mates. I guess it is probably because I had only read with Hindu people and they understand the scriptures of soul mates or? How do I explain?”
Rutan: “You have to understand the concept of soul mates and the history behind soul mates before you can explain this to any culture. As you know the word derived from the Hindu scriptures of the Gita.”
Rudra: “Yes the dialog between God, Krishna and Rama. And God gave Krishna a Devine vision to save man kind and learn peace and love, and Rama was his brother.”
Rutan: “That’s right. But remember the dialog. Which said ….”
Rudra: “I remember that. God said to Krishna be on earth and be your brothers soul mate. And when Krishna asked what is a soul mate. God said, “Soul mate will be someone that is placed on earth to learn and teach from?”
Rutan: “Yes and No, Soul mates are special people who are brought into our lives that we learn from and eventually teach. Soul mates are not always here to cause you harm and soul mates are not the opposite sex or someone you will eventually marry. Soul mates hold a special place in your life and when the lesson is finished they go away”.
Rudra: “Are our parents our soul mates? Or are you?”
Rutan: “Yes, you and I have been chosen to be associated with special people that are there to protect, teach and help us grow as people, all of them are in our lives for special reasons”.
Rudra: “So you are telling me that soul mates are everyone we are associated with? And if so than why do people say to me that other people tell them that soul mates are there to give a person a hard time?”
Rutan: “Soul mates do not give difficult times to anyone they teach us things. Hence, it causes us as humans to be come defensive. For example when our parents scolded us for picking mangos at the neighbor’s home, you remember why?”
Rudra: “Because they did not want us to take the fruit without asking.”
Rutan: “Exactly!”
Rutan: “So in short my dear sister, soul mates are everyone around us. And often they stay around until there is nothing more to teach or learn, just like your high school sweetheart. When you saw him months back and he was with another girl, I remember you were so happy to see that he was happy. Do you remember?”
Rudra: “Yes I remember.”
Rutan: “Why were you happy?”
Rudra: “I don’t know all I know was that it was nice to see him happy.”
Rutan: “This is because there is nothing more to exchange my dear and he will meet you in heaven because he was your guide for a while and now he is on his own taking with him all that you taught him and you have all that he taught you and lessons is learned”.
Rudra: “It is that simple?”
Rutan: “ Yes, soul mates are people we learn from they are not here to give us a difficult time but to exchange values to become better people from difficult lessons, soul mates are not people we eventually marry, they are people that we are associated with. Why do you think mom and dad did a astrological comparison on you and your husband?”
Rudra: “Culture?”
Rutan: “No, they want to make sure you both have lots to learn from each other so that you are prepared for the next life.”