"The Bad Boys." Why do we even bother? Generally speaking most people we interact with are willing AND able to make some necessary changes to get along, become more appealing, and improve interactions with others. But then . . . there are "The Bad Boys"? "Bad Boys" are so toxic they can not OR will not change. So why do we get involved with them in the first place and more importantly - why do we stay hooked to them?
Bryn C, Collins addresses this notion in detail in her book, Emotional Unavailability. Here on my Blog - I've been doing a whole series on Emotional Unavailability, toxic relationships and our addiction to them, using Ms. Collins' book as a guide. Central to this issue of Emotional Unavailability and toxicity in relationships is our own addiction to . . . The "Bad Boy". If you have ever asked yourself . . . "What was I thinking?" . . . well then welcome to the human race. Most of us have gotten ourselves into at least one of these toxic, distant, emotionally unavailable relationships - only to find ourselves, emotionally devastated and trashed and doubting our own self worth and ability to make reasoned decisions in relationships.
Our choice to get involved with the "Bad Boy" has to do with many issues. First, people who seem to need repairs to their essential selves are really terribly appealing and tempting. We all seem to buy into the notion that a good relationship can in fact - and indeed change a person.
What is really the truth is that a good relationship can enhance someone and expend them BUT - it can not - I repeat - CAN NOT change them. The only thing that EVER changes a person is his or her own willingness and desire to change - his or her own choice to change. If a person is willing to make a change in terms of how he or she processes and/or experiences the world - you will be able to see that right up front - pretty early in the relationship. The issue comes when you get yourself involved with a "Bad Boy" and he wants YOU to change in unhealthy ways - or causes you to begun to function in a less than fully emotional way - because he in fact is so emotionally unavailable.
The really seductive thing about this process is how you come to believe that if YOU change a little, then you partner - the "Bad Boy" will also change a little and match your desire for change. This is where the "Bad Boy" dance begins. You then begin to surrender whole parts of yourself in the hopes that your partner - the "Bad Boy" will begin - at some point to live up to pleas and promises - and your repeated requests for change.
Meanwhile the whole objective of this toxic person - the "Bad Boy" is to keep you dancing in the distance - as he is able to get all of his needs met -while you keep trying to find that magic formula that will finally turn everything around.
Guess What My Friends? There is no magic formula. As long as you keep trying to make everything perfect, the toxic person - this "Bad Boy" is getting exactly what he wants. You can go ahead and ask for what you want, make a firm stand, or even begin to push for change - but it won't work and you really need to be prepared for the end of the relationship.
This or course will be a very painful process because you have been doing all the work in the relationship to begin with - so you are the one with a huge emotional investment in the outcome.
These relationships with the "Bad Boys" - these are the relationships that make us wistful and leave us sniffling, and sniveling, and peeing and crying,
Just remember though, you didn't break them so its not your job to fix them. You will be so much better off - utilizing your time to work on strengthening yourself so that you will be able to spot, and choose a healthy and whole relationship in the future.
Ever run into a Bad Boy" that you thought you could fix? Tell me about it. Trust me you are not alone.
NEXT UP: Part Five in the "Emotionally Unavailable" Series: "Holics: Alca . . ., Coca . . ., Spenda . . ., Sexa . . ., Worka . . ."
Mama's Boys and Daddy's Girls - these folks have grown up totally secure in the belief that they - and they alone - hung the moon. Mom and Dad gave them everything - everything that is - except emotional connections. When you are dealing with a Mama' s Boy or a Daddy's Girl - the first problem is that it is highly unlikely that Mom or Dad will ever fully relinquish any presence in the life of your beloved. That's a big 'ole problem for you - as Princess Di once famously said: "there were three of us in this marriage . . ." And, I'm telling you this kind of situation ain't good.
As we continue our look at the whole notion of "Emotional
Unavailability" I am drawing from the book by Bryn C.
Collins. When dealing with a Mama's Boy or Daddy's Girl, you will find that their expectation is for you - like Mom and Dad - to become a cheering member of their admiration society. But not even a full member - 'cause Mom and Dad already have that covered - therefore you are like a satellite member. How boring and self-absorbed is that?
The other problem with this kind of relationship - is that your love is always going to be compared, generally and unfavorably, to the love that Mama and Daddy offered. Often this is measured materially. It always becomes a case of "Daddy would have gotten me . . . ." or "Mama never got upset when . . . "
The love they got from Mama or Daddy was a boundary-free love - not an unconditional love. There is a huge difference. Unconditional love means that "I love you through thick and thin and we will get though anything together - as long as you are acting like a reasonable person. A boundary-free love means that "I don't care who you slash and burn, how many banks you rob, how long it takes you to get a job - I will always fix it and I will always love you." See the difference?
So Mama's Boys and Daddy's Girls receive over time a very unique message: "I'm special, rules don't apply to me, if I get consequences Mom or Dad will fix it." These folks clearly come to earnestly believe that they can do anything they want. In order to function in any kind of relationship there has to be structure - and these folks have absolutely no sense of structure - particularly in matters of the heart and love. They have no sense of structure and no sense of consequences. When you are in a relationship with someone like this - you have on your hands - someone who will never take responsibility, never take ownership and never really be a true partner - because they are emotionally unavailable.
Mama's Boys and Daddy's Girls have been protected by their parents from all potentially painful and therefore learning experiences. They never had to feel their feelings - 'cause Mama and Daddy always kiss the boo-boo and make the hurt go away. So, if you are in a relationship with a Mama's Boy or a Daddy's Girl, you can expect a negative return on your emotional investment. This of course will lead to enormous frustration on your part. The relationship will abruptly end - if you even dare to ask for any completion on the circle of emotion or dare suggest that your partner's behavior has had any consequences or that you are displeased with something she or she has said or done.
Then there you are - left bruised and confused - because your reasonable expectations have been shattered. But don't second-guess your own belief system - the good news is - now you can move on to someone who is emotionally available.
Ever run into a Mama's Boy or a Daddy's Girl? I'm sure it wasn't pretty. But let me know what your experience was.
NEXT UP: Part Five in the "Emotionally Unavailable" Series: "Holics: Alca . . ., Coca . . ., Spenda . . ., Sexa . . ., Worka . . ."
Yes, we will get back to the Emotional Unavailability Series - however, in the meantime - I've been getting great responses to my Blogs dealing with The Art of Staying Hooked - You CAN Unhook Yourself - Really You Can and How Toxic Is My Relationship? - A Test We All Need To Take. With that in mind - and because recognizing, dealing with and detaching from toxic relationships is in fact related to the whole issue of Emotional Availability - I'd like to share with you this little list of 13 warning signs of a toxic relationship:
THE BAKER'S DOZEN OF TOXIC RELATIONSHIP WARNING SIGNS
1. You Are The Problem. The toxic person is unwilling or unable to take responsibility - or own any part of the problem he or she had a part in creating. Instead, you are told all the time that if you were only better, richer, prettier, taller, thinner, or smarter, then there would be no problem.
2. Controlling Behavior or Extreme Jealously. Your partner wants to run every moment of your life or is really jealous of anyone or anything else that takes up any of your time or interest. Warning - this person wants to own and absorb you.
3. No Boundaries. The toxic person has no boundaries - whatsoever - and will in turn absolutely ignore any boundaries you try to set. The toxic person wants to completely destroy any bounds between the two of you - that way you will cease to exist as a separate entity. People who lack boundaries believe they have the right to do anything they wish.
4. Violence. You cannot tolerate any violence in any relationship - for any reason - no matter what. PERIOD. There is no excuse, explanation, rationalization, clarification, or justification for interpersonal violence in a relationship - of any kind - for any reason. If your relationship includes violence - IT IS NOT A RELATIONSHIP. You must leave.
5. Conning or Criminal Behavior. If you are in a relationship with someone who is engaging in criminal behavior, you could possibly come under suspension even if you are not directly involved. If you are being conned by someone, you must exit the relationship.
6. Addictions. If a person is unable to break an addiction to drugs or alcohol, you need to make the decision to end the relationship. The toxic person's relationship is with the drugs or alcohol - not you. If the addicted person wants the relationship with you badly enough - he or she will be willing to get clean and stay clean,
7. Cheating, Affairs and/or Other Unusual Sexual Practices. People who demand you accept unusual sexual behaviors, including affairs, as a prerequisite for being in a relationship with them - are toxic for you - unless you don't have a problem with these behaviors. If you tell your partner that you are not comfortable with certain behaviors and he or she continues to engage in such behavior and in the process continues to hurt and belittle you - that is a toxic relationship.
8. Commitment Phobia. If your longstanding partner is unwilling or unable to EVER commit to you in a relationship in a formal way, you have to accept the fact that this is a toxic relationship and that person will probably never commit.
9. Put-downs, Insults, and Teasing. A little love teasing is not a bad thing, however, if your partner persists in saying and doing hurtful things to you in public or relentlessly teases you - this is toxic behavior.
10. Black and White Thinking. Lack of flexibility in your partner's thinking can really indicate a toxic relationship. If you partner is unable to ever see the gray area - this is a toxic relationship where you will be allowed little room to express yourself or make mistakes. You are going to always be condemned - as wrong or bad - and this is a toxic relationship.
11. Yes, But . . . If you hear more excuses than explanations in your relationship and if every confrontation or attempt at communication is met with "yes, but . . ." you are dealing with a person who is unwilling to own his or her behavior. A person who needs someone else to blame all the time and who never takes any responsibility is toxic and will lead you into a toxic relationship.
12. Double Binds. A double bind is s situation in which no matter what you do, you will be wrong. If a double bind ALWAYS comes from your partner - meaning that "you are damned if you do "X" and you are likewise damned if you'd chosen to do "Y"" - that is a toxic relationship
13. Lying. Sure, everyone tells a white lie from time to time - or even spins a whopper every blue moon - HOWEVER - someone who lies all the time about small insignificant things - a person who routinely lies - someone who pathologically lies - about any and everything - is someone that will involve you in a toxic relationship.
I hope this has been helpful for you - if we know the deal and can measure the deal - then we can get order to ourselves and rise upward and onward into a new season that includes a healthy, happy and non-toxic relationship. TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK. HAVE I MISSED ANY TOXIC SIGNS? WHAT ARE YOUR EXPERIENCES DEALING WITH TOXIC LOVED ONES? I'D LOVE TO HEAR YOUR POINT OF VIEW. NEXT UP: Part Four in the "Emotionally Unavailable" Series: "Mama's Boys and Daddy's Girls."
Oh sure there are lots of warning signs along the way - warning signs that you may in fact be involved in a TOXIC relationship - and no one sign is a total answer that you may need to send that loved one packing - but if you start to notice a pattern - then you may in fact need to take a much closer look at exactly what is going on in the relationship - BEFORE -you make any kind of emotional commitment yourself to further involvement.
Sure anyone can make a mistake - who among us hasn't done something both in and out of relationships that we may in fact come to regret at a later time. But if you begin to see a pattern - then my friends - "HOUSTON - WE HAVE A PROBLEM?"
A pattern should serve to put you on notice that that you are in a relationship that may in fact be TOXIC.
THE TEST
HOW TOXIC IS MY RELATIONSHIP?
Rate each statement from 1 (meaning "not at all") to 6 (meaning "perfect match") by comparing your relationship. Write the corresponding number down to the left of each question.
______ 1. My partner has hit or pushed me.
______ 2. My partner calls me names, puts me down/teases me.
______ 3. My partner lies to me.
______ 4. My partner has had more than one outside relationship.
______ 5. My partner cheats people out of money/material goods.
______ 6. My partner steals.
______ 7. My partner abuses drugs or is an alcoholic.
______ 8. My partner threatens me with violence or abandonment.
______ 9. My partner is unable to make a commitment.
_____ 10. My partner always demands his/her way.
_____ 11. My partner can't hold a job.
_____ 12. My partner has huge, unpredictable mood swings.
_____ 13. My partner violates my boudaries.
_____ 14. My partner and I do not communicate well.
_____ 15. My partner clings tightly to me.
_____ 16. My partner is jealous.
_____ 17. There is NO trust in our relationship.
_____ 18. My partner has rages.
_____ 19. My partner tries to control my life.
_____ 20. My partner has no self control with food/money/alcohol.
_____ 21. I never know what to expect/he/she is a chameleon.
_____ 22. My partner says directly or indirectly-not good enough.
_____ 23. My partner is a "black-and-white" thinker.
_____ 24. My partner has no close friends/not close to family.
_____ 25. My partner has spent time in jail or prison.
_____ 26. My partner responds to me with "yes, but . . . "
_____ 27. My partner tries to keep me away from friends/family.
_____ 28. My partner is cruel to my pets, children or family.
_____ 29. My partner has few emotional reactions to anything.
_____ 30. My partner brings up everything from my past - acts as if I am the only one with issues.
Now add up your points to come up with your score:
Under 54 - Your relationship is open and connected-may need a "tune-up."
55 - 70 - Some problems, but workable without intervention.
80 - 109 - There is lots of room for improvement.
110 - 134 -Get ready for a rocky and potentially TOXIC relationship.
135 - 159 - This relationship is probably not workable.
Over 60 - CAUTION - THIS IS A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP
How did you guys fair with your scores? Let me know. Haven't we all been there? Let me know if this was helpful for you.
DO YOU HAVE ANY - THAT I'VE MISSED? - LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU WOULD ADD TO THE LIST
NEXT UP: "The Baker's Dozen of TOXIC Warning Signs."
STILL TO COME: Part Four in the "Emotionally Unavailable" Series: "Mama's Boys and Daddy's Girls."
OMG - "Oh Mah Gawd" - He looks just like, JFK, Jr, or Brad Pitt, or Will Smith - and that is the sole attraction - your attraction to being with someone who is so attractive.
This is Part 3 in our series of "Emotional Unavailability" - "Tens and Other Trophies"
Bryn C. Collins, the author of "Emotional Unavailability" says that there are actually Nine Emotionally Unavailable Types and therefore all nine of these types are a straight up waste of our time (I'm paraphrasing). But seriously, we can't change these folks, convert them, help them, cause them to see the light - the only thing we can do for them is get ourselves away from them.
Whereas Indiana Jones - The Dangerous Man relies upon the fact that he is so "dangerous" such a "bad boy" in order to cast his spell - Tens and Other Trophies rely upon their physical beauty and the power of our attraction to that physical beauty in order to get involved without getting involved - in essence to stay emotionally unavailable.
The Tens and Other Trophies - got the message early on in life - their looks - their pure physical attractiveness was a better asset than anything else they had to offer - and so they have worked all their lives to develop that one asset - to the denigration of developing any other asset - including emotional attachment and availability. They have learned throughout their lives that it is a low emotional risk to them to have an adoring, genuflecting, totally enthralled individual - completely captured by their looks. They are therefore able to capture and portray the illusion of a connection - without actually giving anything back.
"Do you like this shirt on me?"
"Does my hair look ok?"
It is all about them and their looks - sure they are asking you questions - engaging you in conversation - but the conversation is all about them - and most of the time - always about their looks.
You meanwhile - are so happy that someone so delectable has chosen you - that you don't even notice the narcissism and just go happily along - further endorsing the Ten and his self-absorption - UNTIL . . . The Big Dump.
Your role in the relationship was defined from the get-go. You are in charge of admiration and adoration. It is your job to complement and compliment, and please by all means - please step to the side and out of the light so that the Ten can properly bask in all his glory.
It really is another form of objectification. The key here is understanding just how low the Tens self-esteem really is - no matter that he portrays just the opposite to you and the rest of the world. If you come to believe that your only value is the trophy to the Ten - then you become a victim in this vacuous relationship - and the Ten - has not connected with you on even the smallest level - why? - Because the Ten - is Emotionally Unavailable.
It may take a while for you to catch on the the real problem here - because you are so happy to be with a Ten. But sooner or later the glow will wear off - and even the reflected glow of the Tens spotlight - isn't enough for you anymore - you start to horror of all horrors - want to talk about something other than the Ten - that's when you get The Big Dump.
Sure you've been offered exposure to real beauty by being with the Ten - but that eventually becomes - just not enough - because your own heart needs attention. Beauty is not an Emotion - and that is why the Ten is Emotionally Unavailable.
Now sometimes the Ten will attract a Trophy Hunter. These are kinda "mutually parasitic" relationships. This scenario becomes like "Emotional Unavailability" Squared. Each person's agenda is getting met - so it may take a really long time for the magic to wear off - in this scenario and The Big Dump to occur.
The person that is attracted to the beauty of the Ten is on a different kind of "high" or adrenaline rush that the person that seeks out Indiana Jones - The Dangerous Man - as we discussed in a previous post. When you are attracted to the Ten - just because they are a Ten - you are achieving a point of pride and accomplishment - by association. Others are looking and jealous - because you have such a beautiful man.
I'm not saying that all handsome men are Tens and Emotionally Unavailable. What distinguishes the Ten is that they have a real emotional distance that they keep from anyone who tries to connect and be a part of their life. Wow - it must get pretty lonely trying to hold the world at arm's length - based upon something as superficial as your looks.
And, the break-up with the Ten is really hard too - because it attacks your own self-esteem. You have been getting all this "glow-by association" from being the partner of the Ten - and suddenly you have been replaced. You'd have to be a really grounded person - not to wonder - if only for a moment if that might not have happened if you'd been more attractive. This speculation can then serve to drive you nuts - and take you down a truly slippery slope. So avoid all that negativity - find a genuine (and yes handsome) guy - who is emotionally available.
EVER RUN ACROSS A "TEN" OR "OTHER TROPHY" IN YOUR LIFE? LET ME KNOW.
NEXT UP: Part Four in the "Emotionally Unavailable" Series: "Mama's Boys and Daddy's Girls"
I thought I'd take just a little break from the "Emotionally Unavailability" Series to talk about a different but certainly related topic - of "Being Hooked" - being hooked on someone that isn't good for you and thereafter determining - really purposing in your mind - that you want to get unhooked and move on into a new season of joy and dignity and decency in your life.
There are really five reasons at the root of how and why you are hooked. And the basis for all five reasons - at the root of all five is CONTROL:
- CONTROL through Power
- CONTROL through Weakness
- CONTROL through Servitude
- CONTROL through Guilt
- CONTROL through Jealousy
What this mans is that you can get hooked because someone is asserting Power over you - Power not in a good way - not supporting you or steering you to something positive but controlling you and asserting power over you in ways that prevent you from being your own best self and it also serves to prevent you from having a equal share of Power in the relationship overall.
The other means of control comes though Weakness - exploiting a Weakness that you have within yourself - maybe you've shared a secret or the other person knows of a particular vulnerability you have because of something you have gone though in the past. Then instead of bolstering you - supporting you, promoting you and helping you to grow stronger - they instead exploit your Weakness and use it to maintain you - and keep you in a vulnerable place of Weakness in the relationship.
Sure you are a nurturing kind of gal - nothing wrong with that - you love to love your man - he's king of the castle and that is fine with you - Right? Sure that's fine if your efforts are appreciated and reciprocated. But if you are serving a king that doesn't deserve to be the head of the household - a man who is pressuring you into a role of Servitude and asserting control over you in that way - with no regard to giving anything of themselves within the relationship - then that is an unhealthy control and one that will keep you hooked in Servitude
Control via Guilt - that's a bad one too - a use of the unhealthy emotion of Guilt - to keep you in involved in a relationship - keep you hooked out of obligation and manipulation based upon Guilt - which will only serve to keep you downtrodden emotionally in a relationship that is ultimately bad for you. Someone that uses your nurturing kindness and keeps you hooked in an unloving relationship out of the manipulation of Guilt - is not someone who truly loves you - and definitely not someone you should stay hooked to.
Do we want someone no one else wants? Certainly not - but when someone toys with your emotions - and uses Jealously - purposefully to control you and keep you hooked in a relationship - that sot of behavior is not only cruel but a show of deep manipulation and control.
Don't stay hooked - Don't stay controlled - Take back you own Power and Unhook yourself from someone who is controlling you - and not loving and respecting you in the manner in which you deserve.
EVER BEEN HOOKED? HOW DID YOU UNHOOK YOURSELF? PLEASE LET ME KNOW.
NEXT UP: Part Three in the "Emotionally Unavailable" Series: "Tens and Other Trophies"
You met him in a "high intensity" situation - according to Bryn C. Collins, author of Emotional Unavailability.
"Indiana Jones: The Dangerous Man" - does he ever love drama, cliff diving, bungee jumping, race-car driving. He will woo you with tales of all his travels to the most exotic locals and exciting death-defying events he's been subject to. It could also be his career - such a sensitive soul to have pulled all those people from a burning building in his job as a firefighter - has he regaled you with stories of how he survived in Iraq? But he's sooooo cool - a cool rescuer and a cool and smooth operator. He never lets you see him sweat - AND he never lets you see his heart or his emotions. He is in two words: "EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE."
What he gives off is a steady stream of calm and a steady flow of adrenaline - and then you my dears, get adrenaline-by-proxy - just being in his presence. You then get hooked on chasing the dream with this fool - you find yourself following him on all his nutty exploits - or at a minimum sitting through his endless stories - about himself - where it is only all about him and not about you - cause who can take time to nurture a relationship when he's got all this other stuff going on? RIGHT? Wrong.
Whereas the Romeo we discussed in the previous post is all focused on you - Indiana Jones is completely focused on events and excitement. With HIM - HE alone is the one that is cast in the central role. All action - HIS - and no INTERACTION with you. And as long as you continue to sit at his feet and be the "rah-rah girl" and spectator to all his exploits - then it's all good in the neighborhood. But if you dare to look for any emotional support for yourself or real involvement in the relationship - DEAD END - for you.
So why are we ladies soooo attracted to Indiana Jones? Simple: Adrenaline and Excitement are TURN-ONS.
With the Romeo - with no balcony - who slips away silently. Indiana Jones - goes off in a blaze of glory - is there any other way? He's way too busy doing all his exciting and important stuff to be bothered - he's off on his adventure, and you are no longer on the schedule - 'cause you just can't keep up (who could?) and you just don't understand.
Indiana Jones finds his value - his emotional core and value - in what he does - not in who he is - and that is why - he has no emotions to give - to you - and is therefore Emotionally Unavailable.
Ever run up on an Indiana Jones? Let me know about it.
NEXT UP: Part Three in the "Emotionally Unavailable" Series: "Tens and Other Trophies"
From the book by Bryn C. Collins, "Emotionally Unavailable" we continue with the series: "Emotionally Unavailable" - the first type of emotionally unavailable individual we will discuss is the "Romeo or Romiette."
Here is the scenario: It all starts out so wonderfully, calls, letters, emails, texts, romantic evenings, cards, flowers, special and thoughtful gifts, trips - little get-a-ways, maybe even some "bling." Then what do you you do? What would any self-respecting romantic do? You fall, I mean - you fall hard. You make plans in your head, you talk about the person ad nauseum, you think - to yourself - you have most surely found THE ONE. I mean why would he say and do all these wonderful things and invest all this time - if there was not true interest - true feelings and most assuredly a true and earnest future?
So what's the problem? The problem is you began to believe the hype - you bought into the dream - you believed what you saw with your own eyes and heard with your own ears - BUT THEN . . . horror of all horrors - Romeo or Romiette - is gone - poof, adios, unanswered messages, no phone calls, no plans, no trips, no gifts, no talking, no nothing. It's like you were in a mirage - a psychotic dream - or nightmare as it now appears to be.
This is why Bryn says Great Balcony - No Stamina - because actually "Romeo" offered nothing to sustain the illusion of what was laid before you. It is the intensity of the connection that hooks you - it feels real, deep, secure and lasting. Because the focus is on you - you never thought to look deep enough into the motivation of the Romeo, nor the history of true underlying personality of the Romeo.
I mean it was all about you, what you want, where you want to go, what you want to do, what you love, what you dream of for the future - who had time to ask any questions in return?
Questions like: "Hey, buddy are you for real or is this all a bunch of horsesh**?"
By the time you have gathered yourself - Romeo is gone. On to the next conquest. Easy for him to do - because he has made no emotional investment in the relationship and in fact has made no emotional investment in you. Gratitude, flattery, even money are not the same as love and a real emotional connection.
Romeo is OK though because he is emotionally distant and unavailable - too emotionally unavailable you discover to even answer the million dollar question: "WHY"? - or "What the Fu** is wrong with you?"
You were essentially objectified in this scenario, treated just like an object that was placed delicately out on the balcony - but Girl, please don't jump - because there is no landing pad to be sure.
It's not nice, and it is definitely not OK. But it is what it is - so spot the Romeo before you go climbing the crystal stair out onto that balcony - or at least have a parachute ready to catch yourself when you fall.
Ever run into a Romeo or Romiette? Let me know about it.
NEXT UP: Part Two in the "Emotionally Unavailable" Series: "Indiana Jones: The Dangerous Man"
In Bryn C. Collins book: "Emotionally Unavailable" there is lots of great information - including a test to see if we ourselves are "Emotionally Unavailable." I recently posted information regarding the emotionally unavailable individual, and cited Bryn's examples of the NINE examples of such folks, gave an overview and let you know that I would be doing a whole series on the "Emotionally Unavailable."
Then it occurred to me that WE may want to take stock of OURSELVES - what if - WE are the ones that are "Emotionally Unavailable"?
So I came upon this test - for Emotional Unavailability - Let's take it so that we can know within our heart whether or not - we are the one's that need fixing.
SO WHY DON'T WE CHECK OURSELVES OUT FIRST?
EMOTIONAL UNAVAILABILITY TEST
Rate yourself from 1 to 4 on each of the following questions.
1 = Never
2 = Sometimes
3 = Often
4 - Always
- When I watch a movie, I really connect with the emotions of the characters.
- When people tell me they feel sad, I can share their emotions.
- When I look at my partner, I feel many things at different times.
- I get over being mad right away.
- I look forward to a long relationship with my partner.
- When I hear a happy song, I feel happy.
- I like to laugh and to cry.
- I can figure out everything my partner is feeling from his or her behavior.
- I tell people what my emotions are.
- When I feel scared, I am able to work through it.
- No matter who I'm with, I'm clear about who I am.
- I know my values and beliefs and I stick to them.
- I'm clear about my personal and relationship goals.
- I am able to talk to my partner about my feelings.
- I like to see emotions in others.
Now add up your total score. If your score is:
1 - 15: Emotions are just a mysterious rumor to your and you need to work hard to find your emotional self.
16 - 30: You have some connection with your emotional life but spend a lot of time in the ambiguous area between caring and uncaring.
31 - 45: You are connected emotionally in several areas of your life, but there are things that make your run and hide from your own emotions and the emotions of others.
46 - 60: You are really plugged in emotionally and are able to recognize emotions in others around you.
Well, now . . . that we've got that out of the way, the next step is to make some positive changes - both in out own lives and in the lives of those around us. Yes, change can be uncomfortable - no matter how positive we know - or believe - the outcome to be. But if we make a habit of doing the things that we know will lead to change - then change can be easier to take when done that way in increments - and change can then be incorporated into our daily lives.
I'll take the test - you all take it too. Does your score turn out to be what you thought it would be? Let me know.
Next Up: Part One of the Series: "The Emotionally Unavailable Man" - "Romeos and Romiettes"
Bryn C. Collins has a wonderful book dealing with this creature - "THE EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE" individual - and WOW - I will seek to share some of her insights and explain and help us all guard again tangling with this type of person. There really isn't much one can do to convert the emotionally unavailable individual - particularly if he or she is not evolved enough to (1) admit they have an issue and (2) get some help for its cure. So, let's all cease being Florance Nightingale's and stop trying to heal this pitiful soul - particularity to our own detriment. It isn't worth it - the cost to ourselves is way to high - and it really is an essentially and great waste of precious time. So when you run up on one of these fools and there are NINE count them NINE variations on this theme - two things you should do immediately: (1) "Run Forrest Run" and (2) "Run Simba Run Away And Never Look Back."
I'll do a continuing Series to explain in detail these problematic persons - but for this first Blog on the subject - I'll just give you the list. I bet we all know one or more of these types of folks and have "peed and cried" many a night 'cause we just couldn't understand what the he** was wrong with them.
Here goes:
THE LIST OF THE NINE TYPES OF "EMOTIONAL UNAVAILABILITY"
- "Romeos and Romiettes"
- "Indiana Jones"
- "Tens and Other Trophies"
- "Mama's Boys and Daddy's Girls"
- "'Holics"
- "Emotional Einsteins"
- "The Ones in the Mirror"
- "Eels and Other Slippery Critters"
- "James Bonds"
Tell me what you think . . .
The song "What's Love Got to Do With It?" was the second single released from Tina Turner's breakthrough solo debut album, "Private Dancer." This song became an anthem of sorts from women around the world and has been credited as one of the major reasons for the success of Tina's revived career. It has in fact become a "signature song" and was also used as the title song track for the movie of the same name in 1993.
That said, this is what I'd like us to think about - the phrase: "But I Love Him"
How many times have we all heard someone say that - and more importantly - how many times have we said those words ourselves? Sometimes, when the guy is a cretin, jerk, unavailable, inaccessible, crazy, abusive, nuts, mean, emotionally unavailable, no job, no ambitions, sexually confused or sexually controlling, or plainly "just not that into you" - ask yourself -"What's Love Got to Do With It?"
Answer: - Not a Da** Thing.
So I'm saying that we all have to get "order to ourselves" - love ourselves - and stop thinking that love has to leave us decimated and "peeing and crying" in a jumbled heap on the floor in order to somehow be "real."
Not so 'ma sistas'. We can have a love that is balanced and kind and cooperative and most importantly - reciprocated.
Lest we forget, this song and the accompanying movie actually chronicle a love gone wrong 0 the abusive and sadistic "love" that Ike proclaimed to have for Tina back in the day. So was that really "love" at all? Answer: "He** to the No."
So the next time we want to "plaintively wail" - "But I Love Him" - think to yourself:
Is he exhibiting real love to you?
Are you loving yourself by trying to love him and stay in the relationship - or the sham of the relationship - or the delusion of the relationship?
Let's review these lyrics "one mo' time" - and think to ourselves . . . Really now . . . "What's Love Got to Do With It?"
"What's Love Got to Do With It?"
(Tina Turner)
You must understand
The the touch of your hand
Makes my pulse react
That it's only that thrill
Of boy meeting girl
Opposites attract
It's physical
Only logical
You must try to ignore
That it means more than that
Oh, what's love got to do with it?
What's love but a second hand emotion?
What's love got to do with it?
Who needs a heart
When a heart can be broken?
It must seem to you
That I'm acting confused
When you're close to me
It I tend to look dazed
I've read it someplace
I've got cause to be
There's a name for it
There's a phrase for it
But whatever the reason
You do it for me
Oh, what's love got to do with it?
What's love but a second hand emotion?
What's love got to do with it?
Who needs a heart
When a heart can be broken?
I've been thinking of of a new direction
But I have to say
I've been thinking of my own protection
it scares me to feel this way
What's love got to do with it?
What's love but a sweet old fashioned notion?
What's love got to do with it?
Who needs a heart - when a heart can be broken?
WHAT DO YOU THINK? HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN A SITUATION THAT ULTIMATELY HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH LOVE? LET ME KNOW ABOUT IT AND WHAT YOU DID TO MOVE ON.
Howdy All,
I'm sorta new to Blogging . . . so I really hope I don't get a "beat down." Charge any errors to "my head and not my heart." That all being said, this is actually my second escapade into the land of Blogging. I have also started Blogging (July 2008) on a health and fitness site. See, actually this is all related. I read voraciously (a lot - SMILE) and I've always loved to write -and I love helping out on Keen - so this all a cycle. Hopefully, I'll be able to share some of my views, and thoughts and you all will be able to share some of yours - and - together we can manage to make it thought this morass of "stuff" called life.
A little about myself . . . I'm 48 years old, originally from the mid-west. I have lived in the Washington, D.C. metropolitan area for 26 years now - came for law school and stayed. I have a 14 year-old daughter - now that is a whole "nuther" blog for a whole "nuther" day. I love her to death and I just hope we don't kill each other before she goes to college in four years.
I work all the time between my job as an attorney, Keen and raising my child - which I must say is an additional job all unto itself.
Keen is a wonderful vehicle -it really is most of the time - from what I've seen - it has just about the most seamless process - both for readers and clients/callers. Sure, there are some issues - on both the side of readers and the client/caller. But, I had a wonderful mentor when I started on Keen, I am pretty self-directed and goal-oriented (most of the time) - and I generally just try not "sweat the small stuff."
So with that brief introduction . . . welcome to my Blog, feel free to respond, challenge, compliment or cajole. Let's just have fun - share our views and see what happens. I'll try not to be too opinionated, political, judgmental or crazy. Well . . . at least I'll try. Welcome to Keen if you are new - "Come on In and Sit a Spell."
I am so interested to know what your thoughts and feelings are - really about any and everything. What are your feelings about Keen? What can I - as an advisor - do to help you more and be of more assistance to you? What kinds of things would you like to see addressed in the readings? And, what kinds of things would you like to see addressed on this Blog. Please advise. Thank you all so much in advance for your time and attention.