As an human resources professional, I have always had concerns with these sites and companies/managers right to know "more" about their employees. Over 60% of company executives feel it is their right to know more about the personal lives, actions and hobbies of their employees. Of course over 53% of employees strongly disagree.
I am in agreement that the social networking of all employees is their private personal business and companies should have no rights to review employees private websites searching for what could be termed detrimental company information. This stance among my peers is rare, other human resources professionals I have spoken with, feel anything postedby employees is fair game and I totally disagree.
In high school my perfect A student child had pictures and words which in no way associated her with the area or the lifestyle we lived. After a closer review of my friends chldren Myspace and Facebook websites, the same thing was happening. All the children responded the role playing was fun and that provided information that forced me to stand on my current position. In my company capacity, I absolutely refuse to take into professional consideration anything on those sites as relevent job related information until it becomes necessary.
What a powerful yet normal word! Everyone has at least one and secrets can vary from simple to severely complicated. Secrets can and will destroy lives; they are the foundational crust of many of life's complex personal problems and struggles. Secrets will control your life, thoughts, passions, actions and future plans. The epitome of secrets is danger, some secrets can be dangerous and individuals have died because of secrets and for some their secrets die with them.
I have learned a painful lesson and with it, the importance of not sharing personal secrets, especially the secrets of others. One of the first lessons we are taught in kindergarten is how to share with others. It's a wonderful lesson, but it should be taught with a cautionary tale of speaker beware! Sharing secrets can be unintentionally dangerous, as you are opening yourself up and allowing yourself to be susceptible to the vulnerabilities of an unknown predator. While you are sharing, potential predators maybe listening and preying on what you share with them. What you perceive as idle chit chat is valuable secretive information to predators.
My girlfriend had many secrets and many times, I innocently contributed to her secrets. When the wife of the man she was dating showed up at her job acting out, I said "gosh, why is she so upset you are dating her husband when they were separated". The secret was my friend had started dating him when the husband and wife were still together in the same house. My girlfriend's appetite for married or otherwise committed men was her secret which she never shared with me. If she had, I would have quickly realized her insecurities and lust for the challenges associated with taking men from other women. Instead her secrets started to unravel and become painfully clear to me when she decided my man would be her next conquest and I her next victim.
The secrets I shared with her about him and his love, kindness and generosity towards me convinced her that she needed a man like him. The other secrets were secrets we never think should be labeled secrets, i.e., his last name and place of employment. Those would be her secret tools used to contact him at his office. Fortunately, she was unaware of his secret disgust for scandalous, lying and manipulative women and in the end that was the secret which delivered great joy to me. I was overwhelmed knowing a secret not shared was the most powerful secret of all secrets.....
Have you noticed that everything in life starts, stops and circles back to envy, jealousy, boundaries and secrets? Last Sunday, we reviewed boundaries and next week we will review and start a new series dealing with predators. But today we look at secrets and how they can ruin relationships and more importantly destroy trust and friendships, which is why I wrote the 04/20/09 blog on how I was betrayed by a friend of 20 years.
I am so excited! You would think I was turning 13, 16, 18, 21 or 25. Celebrating birthdays has always been special to me. It's my very own national holiday and this birthday is definitely a milestone, but I also have great memories of turning:
13 I was officially a teenager
16 I could date (really strict parents)
18 I was an adult, college time!
21 I was legal: I could drink and go to clubs
25 I could rent and drive a rental car
Now I am just happy to be alive and in great health! They said with age comes wisdom, well some of the wisdom I have learned this year, I really could have done without! But on the other side of the fence, aging is a wonderful thing! I have learned so much and I have lost so much. My brother died 5 years ago and I felt like I had lost the cornerstone of my childhood. He was my younger brother and he idolized me! He was a great guy and a wonderful father to four sons. He accepted me for me with alot of teasing! I was the sister with the "gift". Last year I lost my best friend since I was 8 years old and I remember thinking a part of me was gone. It’s has been 17 months and I still reach for the phone to call her. She had a wonderful sense of humor and we used to have the best conversations about nothing. We would spend hours shopping and shopping, sometimes in the same store, only to meet in the dressing room.
My grandmother is 91 years old and this may be her final year, she has no appetite and she will only eat butterfingers and drink ensure for two years now. I will miss her terribly. Even now in her frail state, I miss her homemade biscuits, peach cobbler, chicken pot pie, common sense advice and all those other special meals she would prepare for me when I would stop by her home every day after high school. I also have great memories of her Saturday morning phone calls at exactly 9AM my first year in college. Yes, I was teased, but I didn’t care, it was my granny or “Mudear” as we call her.
But if you have been reading my blog, you know the one gift I wish for is peace! Yes peace of mind! But life is too short to dwell on the negatives and today is going to be a wonderfully spectacular day. It’s my birthday and I have an absolutely wonderful day planned which will begin with breakfast, shopping and end with a great dinner and drinks surrounded by family and friends at my favorite restaurant.
Have an absolutely spectacular day on me!
Special Discounted Rate Available
PS Five Minutes to any of my customers who correctly guess my age.....
Have you noticed that everything in life starts, stops and circles back to envy, jealousy, boundaries and secrets? Last Sunday, we reviewed envy, but today we look at boundaries and how it can ruin friendships.
What are boundaries? How do you establish them? Why are women so ruthless? Have you noticed that women lately have this "no holds bar" attitude about men. These days, they see a man they want and they go after him. It does not matter that he is married or in a long term relationship. If they want him and he is nice to them, he must want them. Of course, they plan their chase to make it appear he is interested in them. So the fallout will be “he was interested in me and I was the innocent one”. Friendships are disposable and these “girlfriends" discard our friendships, as if I found him for them. What if the man is not interested? Well, that is not important, they pursue him and hunt him down "by any means necessary".
My guy is an IT Tech and two of my “girlfriends" have this strong sense of entitlement to him, so I felt it necessary to establish boundaries. Especially after I noticed the sudden change in his attitude after he worked on her computer at her home several years ago. Later that year, when we were invited to her home for a New Year's Eve party, he dropped me off, saying he was tired. The next invitation to her home, he immediately responded he had other plans. Four out of the last five times, he has picked me up from her home, he has refused to come inside. She continues to think he likes her. In the last three years, she has repeatedly requested his computer skills and I have recommended finding someone on craigslist. The only proof is the sudden change in his personality which leads me to believe she said or acted inappropriate in his first visit to her home. He also said that if he goes again, he would take me with him or he would make arrangements with me to pick up her computer and bring it to him to repair instead of repairing it at her home. I do not intend to confront her, but I have slowly started to distance myself from both friendships about 15 months ago.
The other night, she called me paranoid. Well, what she thinks of me is irrelevant and would never compare to what I think of her. She sees me as the reason, he refuses to fix her computer and I see her as the reason he refuses to come inside her home. Unfortunately, I cannot speak for him. She needs to hear from him, but in the interim, she should respect the boundaries I have established. "No means no''. This has nothing to do with computer repair and more to do with her using her computer for her own selfish need for attention from a man who is obviously not interested in her. It is obvious he has established boundaries by his overt refusals to come inside her home in the last three years. Unfortunately, it is easier for her to call me names then to admit he is not interested in her. Because according to her, every man wants her!
What some "girlfriends" do not understand is if a man is interested, he will move the world to get to them. Of course, my two friends find it easier to say I am being controlling, when they should be looking at themselves and their actions! be happy! Saying "no" only makes them want him more; it's like some sort of morbid game, one which I absolutely refuse to participate. Some women want to take advantage of a man's kindness for their own selfish needs. Therefore boundaries are nonexistent to them......
Have you noticed that everything in life starts, stops and circles back to envy, jealousy, boundaries and secrets? Last Sunday, we reviewed envy, next week, boundaries, but today we look at jealousy and how it can ruin friendships:
Jealousy is a real-life issue that plagues many relationships. Have you ever wondered where we would be in life without jealousy? It seems all roads start and end on Jealousy Boulevard. It seems we are nothing without jealousy. It is the foundation that empowers some to make irrational and hurtful decisions. It’s that dark remote place, where people internalize their wants, needs and desires. Jealously will sometime manifest into the jealous person wanting something which is not theirs. Jealousy is also about the person’s disappointment in themselves. When people are jealous, they usually have hidden fears that the other person has more than them. They often want to take whatever it is they want.
Jealousy is negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of anything you feel another person values, such as popularity, boyfriend, girlfriend, friends, family, car, home, college education, career, clothes, jewelry or material possessions. More often than not, jealousy exists in relationships, friendships, or the love interest of another person. Jealousy often consists of a combination of emotions such as resentment, depression, and loathing. Jealousy differs from envy in that jealousy is about something you have and are afraid of losing, while envy refers to something you do not have and want to acquire or to prevent someone else from acquiring. It is important to know and understand the correct definitions of jealousy and envy as we move forward in life. These two emotions are often randomly and rapidly referenced as the most prevalent when discussing troubling attitudes or answering arbitrary and impulsive "why" questions.
Jealousy is frequently experienced in relationships whereas envy can affect your career, finances, relationships and other important avenues of life equally and without notice. The effects of jealousy are often uncontrollable and irrational. Jealousy is often expressed by a variety of emotions, rage and other behaviors which vary depending on the individual. Many people confuse jealousy with love and jealousy is not the same as love. Sometimes, people think that by feeling jealous about someone, they are providing love. Jealousy is about the fear and subsequent anger of losing love.
Finally, if you are suffering from the pain of jealousy, you need to learn how to be happy with yourself and your accomplishments. Irrational jealousy is due to personal insecurities and low self-esteem. You have to understand you are the sole person responsible for your life's happiness and progress. Try to talk about your problems with someone, preferably a licensed therapist. A therapist can help you deal with the issues generated by your jealous thoughts and actions. Also, try expressing your happiness for the other person and train yourself how to quickly diminish jealous thoughts. Try saying to yourself, I desire more and bring more into your life!
Jealousy is frequently a fear of losing someone or something combined with a growing suspicion or anger. Low self-esteem is definitely a qualifier with overt sadness over the loss combined with uncertainty and loneliness. Finally, there is the obvious fear of losing an important person to another person and a growing distrust for others.
Envy starts with feelings of inferiority towards another person and a growing resentment of their personal, financial, career or relationship accomplishments. This is in conjunction with their personal unhappiness towards the person envied is often accompanied by their guilt about having heightened abnormal feelings. Envy is a strong motivation to improve their situation along with an even stronger desire to acquire the rival's possessions. Surprisingly, there is personal dissatisfaction of possessing feelings of envy towards another person.
I now know she was never a “friend” because real friends are never jealous or envious of you. Additionally, real friends do not harbor resentments or attempt to bring you pain and unhappiness when you possess something they want. Real friends want to see you succeed in life and love. As we learn and grow in our life paths, sometimes our personal and financial growth impacts the stability of our friendships. As we age and our value systems change, our friends continue to grow with us or they are replaced. True friendships will always remain loving and supportive of you, your children and most importantly, respectful of your relationships. Real friends do not allow their jealousy to overpower them to make irrational decisions. Only a truly evil friend harboring no boundary limitations and overwhelming insecurities would challenge another friend's wonderful intimate and loving relationship to balance their own selfish financial insecurities.
Recently I had a “friend” of 20 years relocate back to CA and she immediately made advances towards my boyfriend of ten years. I was not informed of her “final” relocation date or her address. Therefore, I was not surprised when she contacted my boyfriend at work lying to him that I had failed to return her calls or emails. During the same call, she also provided him her updated information and new work email address. This “friend” drove her computer from Seattle to California Labor Day weekend for my bf to repair without contacting us. This was our first clue as to her strong sense of entitlement to him. She passed up 200 plus other computer geeks and Microsoft corporate office. Her obsession started about three years earlier with repeated weekend calls to speak with him at my home with computer issues. We both thought, this was odd, why would anyone call another state for computer assistance with Microsoft in their backyard? My bf repeatedly questioned her motives and pointed out inconsistencies in the advice she was requesting, but we never denied her assistance. Until I invited her and her son to dinner with us in 2007; she had never met my boyfriend. Although, there were numerous signs of her obsession, I dismissed them as strange since she lived in Seattle.
In the end, a friend’s betrayal is the absolute worst pain to endure. Not only was I angry and disappointed, I found myself in a bitter rage of mixed emotions regarding trust violations. Suddenly, my "friend" was my “enemy” and I was continuously wondering how did I allow this to happen? What did I do? How could I have stopped her? Why was she trying to take my man? Why did she want to hurt me? Slowly I came to the realization, she was never my friend! Although everyone said they understood, I felt alone and that no one really understood my pain. I was informed to “take the high road” and “your bf loves you and he made the choice to not play her game of betrayal and deceit." “You’re lucky! You’re the winner!” This was never a contest and I failed to see the humor. Yet I was expected to be proud because my bf did the right thing! Who was she to test our relationship? What made her think our relationship had a weakness? We returned her computer, but all I could think about was who the hell did she think she was? Did she think I was stupid? Did she think he was stupid? How did she think she was going to pull it off? I needed to tell her, she was a low life and several other colorful descriptive narratives, but she would not speak with me. She was a coward and she was selfishly only interested in a relationship with my boyfriend for purely selfish financial reasons. He is a kind and generous man, someone who will give you the shirt off his back. Not like the losers she dated, she thought he would be her ticket to financial security in California. I ran a background check and learned she lost her home in Seattle due to unpaid property taxes. She had been evicted and this was not her first or second eviction in Seattle. She had financial judgments going back ten years and she was presently experiencing severe financial issues. I now knew the phone calls for computer assistance were her attempts to build a relationship with him. Bringing the computer to CA was a huge part of her plan. When I confronted her via email, she was not worried about our friendship, she emailed me to say she "did not want to bring him any more problems". Her emails sounded "irrational" and had me wondering what was going on in that sick mind of hers?
I was so angry I was waking up at 3AM plotting how I was going to drive to her job for a one on one confrontation. I continue to feel guilty for sharing the name of his employer with her. My boyfriend was always suspicious of her actions. He tried to warn me and he specifically asked me to not provide his number to any of my friends! He would never speak with her unless it was a three way call or on the speaker phone. Always saying "Game Knows" Game". As a human resources professional trained to recognize workplace violence, I decided to speak with a therapist to see if I was experiencing "normal" reactions. I learned my reactions were normal and that my friend was the one who desperately needed therapy! The therapist said she probably plotted for years to steal my boyfriend and her actions were delayed because she lived in another state. Looking back, I realized my friend had a habit of drama with men and their former partners and I could never understand the reasons for the drama.
Steve Harvey says men cheat because so many women are so willing to cheat with them. Fortunately, my boyfriend and I have history that cannot be broken by the needs of a selfish, insecure and financially desperate woman. Relationships are not perfect, but thanks to her I received a wonderful gift knowing my bf could be “trusted” to make the right decision for us. The end result is it took five weeks and one therapy session, but my life is finally back on track or as they say, “living well is the best revenge”. Taking the high road will be enjoyed even more, once I learn she is living on a road or street appropriately named "Karma"only then will I be able to pack my boxing gloves. Smiles!
All of my telephone calls and emails this morning were to inform me to read today's Blog. I did and I HAVE NO COMMENT! That in itself speaks volumes because ANYONE WHO KNOWS ME (especially Ms M - my best girl pal - more opinionated than I) will tell you that I ALWAYS HAVE AN OPINION! Thanks to everyone who called and emailed me, YOUR SUPPORT WAS GREATLY APPRECIATED. Now, let’s move forward! Anyone wanna have lunch?