The following blog uses the term ‘man’ because I am a female and find it easier. If you are a male reading this, feel free to turn ‘male’ into ‘female’, as both sexes make the same mistakes.
Why is it bad for you?
For one thing you cannot live life and experience joy when you are constantly worrying and dwelling about the person or situation. If you believe in the law of attraction you have to start wondering what you are attracting when your life and thoughts are so negative. Dwelling changes our energy, it zaps us of our strength. We cannot focus on anything for long because the person or situation keeps popping into our heads. You can change this behavior. It takes inner strength to push those thoughts out of your head.
Contrary to popular opinion, worrying about the situation and dwelling on ways to fix it do zilch for it, but rather increase the negative aspects of the relationship. What it does to you…… is what matters, it makes you miserable. It hurts you inside. That person hurt you once but the reliving it hurts again and again and the pain grows and grows. Is this what you want for yourself? You imagine the other person so happy now, so free, doing all the fun things without you. You imagine them finding the perfect mate, someone they click with. Those thoughts just hurt you, why think them? A great way to stop dwelling when you just cannot, when the thoughts overwhelm you at the most inappropriate times (such as at work, in church, the grocery store or on a date with another man) is to give yourself permission to dwell. This is tricky. You need a timer and a time of day set aside where you have no distractions (tv, radio, telephone) then you need to set the timer for 10 or 15 minutes and do nothing but dwell. No thoughts allowed except thoughts of him and the situation. This takes away the ‘illicit’ feeling of dwelling and will replace it with the “Oh gosh do I have to think of him?” feeling. It works and must be done once or twice a day faithfully. Within a week, you will cringe at having to do this. Even if you secretly think you enjoy dwelling.
Here are some types of men that women commonly dwell on.
The “Cheater”
If your mate cheated and left you for another, guess what? You just got rid of a liar and cheat and the other woman just gained one. If he cheated when with you, how can she ever trust him? How can he ever trust her, knowing she cheated with a man who was in a relationship? What a scary relationship they will have. Both will know exactly who they are. Forgive both of them, they deserve each other and you deserve to be happy.
If you cheated and he left you, ask him to forgive you and then forgive yourself. Understand he can no longer trust you and you can no longer trust yourself. No matter what the reason you had for your action, catching him cheating, feeling as if you need validation of yourself, or just plain bored or drunk, understand you did something to hurt another and that’s wrong. Forgive everyone involved, figure out why you did it and get on with your life. Make promises to yourself and do not break them. Prove yourself trustworthy to yourself before you try to convince another that you are. Love yourself first if you ever expect another to be capable of loving you.
The “Unavailable”
This type can be unavailable for many reasons.
Legally Unavailable
This is the married man. Read the above. This is hardest when children are involved. The pain and hurt this can bring to children as well as all the adults involved is tremendous. Relationships are never the same afterwards. Think about ending up with this man, he already has legal and financial obligations. How he treats her is a good indication of how he will treat you if your relationship should fall apart. If children are involved think about guilt, think about holidays. He needs to be separated and have filed before you should even consider going there. Read the above then take a deep breath, put comfortable shoes on and RUN.
Emotionally Unavailable
This man never feels connected. He usually goes from relationship to relationship and cannot stay in one. He has a hard time expressing himself verbally; he usually has a pensive, sad look on his face. Somebody done him wrong and he cannot forgive or forget it. Generally he has been hurt in the past and is unwilling to gamble on love. Sometimes he is still pining over his 9th grade girl friend. This one is so intriguing to our egos. We actually feel delighted when we can make him crack a smile. We want to be the one to heal him and make him see he should have hope and that not all women are the same. He is emotionally constipated. This one is a temptation best left alone.
Emotionally unavailable includes men who are addicted to drugs or alcohol or addicted to any harmful thing. You will just be the mistress; he will be wedded to the drug or other addiction.
Emotionally unavailable includes men whose sexual orientation is not the same as yours. He makes a great friend, be happy with that.
Physically Unavailable
This one is usually at a distance, states or even countries away. It can work, just remember the word work, you will be working hard at staying connected.
Men who show no interest in sex also fit in the physically unavailable category.
The “Not sure you are the one”
This one is tough, you have decided he could be the one and he says he is not sure that you are the one. Immediately you start wondering how to prove you are that person. More crazy sex? More personal attention? More fun? More gourmet meals cooked at home? Doing his laundry to save his dry cleaning bills? Loaning him money to pay his bills? What can you do to prove how great you really are? Nothing. This person is just not sure and no action can fix it. You may get temporary satisfaction but you will wear yourself out trying to prove how wonderful you are. Shouldn’t he already know that? It will make you feel inferior and just plain not good enough. Focus instead on taking care of you and your needs. Examine whether he ever met your needs, or you were just willing to ‘settle’. Give him freedom to make up his mind and tell him you have some major thinking to do as well.
If he has specific reasons why you are not the one for him such as “I save money and you are in huge debt”, or “You call me hideous names when we fight and throw dishes at me” or “You used to be so exciting to talk to and now I feel as though you are my Mother” or any other dozens of real reasons. Thank him for being honest. You may want to see if there is any truth in this and fix it for you, not him.
In fact you may want to see how being in this relationship has changed you. Did you stop laughing? Your friends used to say you had the best sense of humor and now you never laugh. You used to glow with the very joy of living but now you feel like a 10 watt light bulb. You used to jump out of bed in the morning excited about life and now you lay there and wonder if you really have to get up and wonder how many times you can hit the snooze button and still not be late for work. You started reading all those articles titled “ 100 New Ways to Pleasure Him” and realized you are doing 78 of them now. You wonder if he reads any of those types of articles. Now is a great time to think whether this person is really for you. Stop making him the priority of your life, your life is a gift to you and your choice to share it is a gift to him. Do not give your ‘pearls to pigs’.
The “I am not sure I am IN love but I love you”
Read the above again. Ask him if he is a love junkie, has this ever happened before? Is he caught up in the highs of a new relationship, not understanding the highs never last? Ask him if he understands that the test of a great relationship is as much the valleys as the peaks. Anyone can enjoy the peaks. That kind of love is usually lust and lust takes a hike after it has been fed. Then like any junkie, they need a new high. Has he had a history of kissing and running when the relationship becomes commonplace? Does he understand relationships need nurturing? What does the word ‘love’ mean to him? Does he understand the meanings of the words faithful, steadfast, loyal? A love junkie adores being infatuated.
Wikipedia defines infatuation as “Infatuation is the state of being completely carried away by unreasoning passion or love; addictive love. Infatuation usually occurs at the beginning of relationship when sexual attraction is central. It is characterized by urgency, intensity, sexual desire, and anxiety, in which there is an extreme absorption in another. It is traditionally associated with youth”.
The “I just want us to be friends with benefits now until I decide if you are the one”
Read all the above. He already has made the decision that you are not the one but wants to be sure of getting sex on a regular basis in case he does not meet anyone willing to tango with him.
The “Disappearing without a reason for weeks or months”
Unless someone close to him has died or he has proof of amnesia from his physician this one is best left alone. You will constantly be worried he will drift off again. If you were the one for him, nothing could keep him away from you but jail or war.
The “Dancer”
This one adores you when with you but leaves for days at a time. You never go a week or so without communication and he always apologizes and tells you how busy he has been. I often see this in readings and it always looks like the Disney cartoon Cinderella. They are dancing happily and he just walks away and leaves her standing waiting for him to come back and resume the dance. If you do not mind the dancer, he can be fun to dance with while you are waiting for your prince. A real prince will never walk out in the middle of a dance.
The “I am not ready for a committed relationship”
If this is your third date, do not have a fourth unless you do not want a committed relationship. Do not let this drift into the friends with benefits arrangement. Why? Why waste time, energy, and emotions on someone who tells you they are not ready. Especially if he tells you in the beginning. If your life is full with this relationship, it will be hard to attract what you want.
If you truly desire a committed relationship and after about six months you have the relationship talk and he says he is not ready then you need to consider your options. First of all we need to honor what we truly want for us and our future. We also have to honor what he says he wants for himself and he has been honest about not being ready. What to do? Thank him for his honesty and tell him that you are looking for a relationship that has a future. That it is your dream and heart’s desire and that you were hoping it was he. Therefore you have to honor your and his desires and leave this relationship. Then you need to actually do so. It hurts. He may tell you to wait and see if anything changes. If he is not fairly sure after six months, six more weeks will not change a thing.
The Midnight Snacker
This usually starts out as a good relationship. You went out on dates and did things together. You enjoyed each other. Things got routine and now you feel he sees you as his late night snack. He shows up for a booty call and then leaves. If he is very tired, or it is very late he may even spend the night after sex. He expects you to be ready and willing to appease his hunger pains. Put him on a diet. Refuse to answer the door or phone. This man is not always the jerk he seems, somewhere along the way he got the message that this behaviour was fine with you. Somehow he thinks you will always be there to take care of his needs. He just does not see you have needs as well, emotional as well as physical. If you do not stop this cycle it can go on for years.
The Flip-Flopper
This man knows exactly what he wants and it’s you. However he changes his mind again in the next week. He second guess’s his decisions and worries that if he makes a choice something better will come along and then he is stuck with the prior choice. The best way to deal with this is to remove you from his lists of choices and become the ‘one that got away’. He will either find his deal of the week elsewhere or realize you were the best deal all along and see if you are still available. If you are, you now have choices to make. You have to tell him that it's very unbalancing to be in this type of relationship. That you are the best you that you can be and if he cannot see that and see that you have value, then you want someone who can. Your value grows as you age. You are like a fine wine and you have to have that opinion of yourself for him to appreciate you. The biggest problem is that he can make you feel so devalued when he is trying to make up his mind. It puts us in the "oh please, please choose me" frame of mind and we should be in the "Is this choice right for me"? frame of mind.
The Finger Pointer
Never accepts blame for anything. His not buying tickets to the concert is your fault because you called him last week to update him on your Mothers surgery and he forgot. He did not pay his cell phone bill because your nephew was visiting. He did not get the right suit from the cleaners because he knows he asked you to remind him and you forgot, you have no memory of this but accept the blame because maybe you did forget. He is worried about being fired because the boss plays favorites. We all have to be accountable. He does too.
I could go on and on about men and the types that are out there. It looks pretty bleak after reading this. There ARE wonderful men out there, there are not-so-wonderful men out there who DO change and become wonderful. They grow up, they have epiphanies, they mature in healthy ways and become available. You cannot feel ‘stuck’ in a relationship that is making you feel insecure and sad. You have choices to make too. Sometimes all it takes is the courage to walk away from something that does not honor you. That sets wheels in motion. Remember the follow-the-leader game we all played as children? It is great to be a leader and great to get your power back. This is your life, choose carefully.
If life was just about love, how simple it would be. Every relationship is a life lesson and that is what it is truly about. Lessons sound dull and boring and they are until you understand why you are in this lesson. Is it to honor self better? Respect another's boundaries better? Or have you let your own boundaries slip so far they are now invisible? Are you so needy that others hide and cringe at the thought of being with you? Do you take care of you when in a crisis? How long does your crisis last? Have you had a similar crisis before? Do you go into deep hiding during a love crisis or call everyone you know to complain? In this crisis are you neglecting your job, home, friends or other important things like paying bills on time? Are you suicidal or do you have those thoughts of wishing a meteor would drop out of the sky and crush you? Do you cry all the time and try to hide the evidence of your tears? Is depression your long term companion? Do you wistfully think about when things were happier? Do you think all your problems would be solved if only this or that event would happen?
When another person becomes more important than you and that experience or event controls your happiness..... that's a huge danger sign. When another is more important than your own sense of self and integrity that's a huge danger sign. When you find yourself thinking and doing things that you are ashamed of, another danger sign. When tempted to dwell, manipulate, or stalk another person, another huge danger sign. What's the lesson? To love you and God who is within you. To take care of you as carefully as you take care of others things in your life.
What can you do? Take baby steps back to life. Get stubborn, resist the negative thoughts that sneak into your mind. Examine them for TRUTH, not the fear you have imbedded them with. If a friend offered you a platter of sushi, casually mentioning it had been on the counter for 3 days you would be appalled and ask this friend if they knew it could make you sick. You would not eat it. Think of your scary thoughts the way you would think of spoiled sushi, they are making you sick. The best thing I have found to control those scary thoughts is a book. "Loving What Is" by Byron Katie. It is so simple, so easy to read and do. It is quite entertaining as well. It is not so much a 'self help' book as it is a reality check book. It makes you laugh at your own thoughts and best of all you have PEACE afterwards.
Everyone seems to have this middleman/event before they can be happy. I hear all the time "I will be so happy when George tells me he loves me" or "I would be so happy if I got a raise", "I will be happy when Tom leaves Jane for me" "I will be happy when I meet my soul mate and we get married" or winning the lottery, getting the new car, house, stereo, job. It goes on and on.
I have been guilty of that myself. For over a year I have lived in a home with orange and green American Indian symbols stenciled all over the walls, around light switches and over and around every window. I am part American Indian myself and to me this was hideous, tasteless, and very vulgar. Every time I went in the family room I could see it glaring at me. Finally I started painting over the offending stencils. I painted the walls in a plain, soft color. Wow, now I could feel happy walking into that room.......except that room connects to the kitchen and now I could see how badly it needs painting. My immediate thought was "Oh now I have to paint the kitchen before I can be happy in this room." Then I thought about how the kitchen connects to the dining room and then that room would need to be painted and that room connects to the living room (which also has the offending symbols over windows and doors, I just use it less so notice it less). Geeze it could take months to be happy.
I think we all need to skip that middleman, whatever it is...... and just be happy. When that thought occurred to me it was electric. I can be happy without the room being painted. I can even enjoy painting, not thinking of it as a chore. Not resenting the lack of having anyone help me in this massive project because I am the only one cringing at the the silly symbols.
With all the talk about the Law of Attraction, I need to get my secret middleman theory out of my head and just be happy. Only I was not really aware that I had had those "I will be happy when" thoughts and beliefs. I am now and just five minutes thinking about it showed me how many times I had played this game with myself. "I will be happy when this baby is born" turned into I will be happy when this kid stops sassing or graduates or gets his drivers license and on and on. Those events occurred and my happiness level stayed the same. There was always a new something to focus on.
I now believe that with all life's problems I can just relax and make a choice to be happy now. For me. No one else, just me. I know my old thinking will have to be overcome. Thats ok, just making the descion to be happy is a happy choice. It feels really good, it feels peaceful, why not try it?
Recently I was talking to a client who had finally broken off her dysfunctional relationship. She has been out of major contact with her ex for approximately 26 days. She kept saying how good life looked to her now, how she could see possibilities for herself now, that she had not seen before. Her thinking was different and her emotions were stable. "How the heck did I let this happen to me?" she asked. I asked got quiet and heard "She was emotionally raped".
WHAT?? In shock I repeated this to her and she got quiet and after a moment said "Not only was I emotionally raped, I also had the Stockholm Syndrome". Wow.
After we hung up I typed a question into Google. What is emotional rape?
For the sake of simplicity I am going to use 'he' as the rapist and 'she' as the victim even though this is often a reverse situation.
Unlike a physical rape, emotional rape can take months. Emotional rape is the using of someone's emotions without their consent because of a hidden agenda. The 'rapist' usually starts out being charming and very attentive. He cannot do enough for his intended victim. He shows so much appreciation and tells her how wonderful, how understanding, how beautiful she is. The 'victim' feels secure, loved and appreciated in ways she has never been before.
Then things start to change. He becomes less attentive, acting distracted and distant. The 'victim' makes excuses for this. "He is going through a lot at work". he apologizes and she feels her first touch of fear, she could lose this amazing relationship. He mentions somewhat wistfully that he loves blonde hair, she runs out and gets her hair streaked. She only wants to please him. After all he has been wonderful. This starts so simply, so subtly, so insidiously, that looking back it is hard to see where it started. Eventually nothing about her makes him happy, long term. She works too much, she dresses inappropriately, she is too fat, her boobs are too small. She starts feeling there has to be something wrong with her. Just one more thing she can do to make him happy, make him see how good she is for him and to him. And ever so often he will shamefacedly admit it (that she is wonderful) and she feels justified in her behavior. She is doing so much for him that her friends have all just disappeared. She does not have time for them because he may need her and be hurt by her choosing her friends over him, even though he does that himself, choosing his friends over her but discouraging her to go out with her own friends. "They don't like me". She knows this to be true, none of her friends approve of him or the way she has changed since meeting him.
The Stockholm Syndrome comes into play when a captive cannot escape (or does not want to escape) and is isolated (all her friends are gone) and threatened with death, (death of the relationship) but is shown token acts of kindness by the captor. Small acts of kindness by the captor are magnified, since finding perspective in this situation is by impossible. It typically takes about three or four days for the psychological shift to take hold.
A strategy of trying to keep your captor happy in order to stay alive (keeping the relationship alive) becomes an obsessive identification with the likes and dislikes of the captor which has the result of warping your own psyche in such a way that you come to sympathize with your captor. She no longer blames him, she blames herself for not doing that one extra thing to make him happy. For talking when she should have kept quiet. For demanding attention when she should have seen he was in a bad mood. She starts feeling worthless. She is like a thermometer, always gauging his moods. She is only worthy when he is happy. If only she could see what would make him happy today, more sex, wilder sex, chinese food, new DVD's, a backrub?
Often the 'captor' will break up with the 'victim' and after making her suffer for a time, allows her back into his life but she is constantly on probation and can be kicked out on a whim. This is not a relationship.
If you should find yourself involved in this type of relationship, however mild it may seem. If having that other person becomes more importnat to you than anything else, your dignity, your honor, your integrity, your job, your sense of family, your sense of self, you need professional help. My client got professional help and she is so happy to have herself back. I am too, I missed her when she was 'away'.
I copied this from a novel. It s beautiful.
We get through it. Thats what love is all about. I came to understand this in the deepest recesses of self. Love is not about romance or passion. Love is about a state of grace. You experience this when you accept the absolute truth of the other person, both the cruel and the divine, and they accept these things in you, and you find that you still long to share a life with them. To know the worst in another and still want them with all your soul. To know they feel the same.
It is a sense of security and power. And once you have arrived at this, the richness of romance and passion that appears is not blinding. Instead, it is invulnerable and forever.
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and then there is this....so old and it has stood the test of time
1 Corinthians 13 - Love
Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.
And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing.
And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing.
Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,
doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;
rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;
beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.
Charity never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away.
For we know in part, and we prophesy in part.
But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away.
When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.
For now we see through a glass, darkly, but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.
And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity
After A While
by Veronica A. Shoffstall
After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn
that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't always mean security.
And you begin to learn
that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises
and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of woman, not the grief of a child
and you learn
to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is
too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down
in mid-flight.
After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
you really are strong
you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn
with every goodbye, you learn...
Pain is so personal, so intense, it eventually seems to take on a life of it's own. After the first few weeks, when the pain is bad but the feeling of having been socked in the tummy is gone, you know you have to recover. Some people cannot seem to get past this stage and eight months later are still in a deep, dark place. "It hurts" they cry. "I cannot believe he did this to me". The pain is a fresh and alive as it was when the event happened. It may be worse because they have now investigated WHY it happened and it seems there is no real answer. They feel all they need to move on..... is an answer. There is usually no one, real answer. No magic words to get that much needed closure. It is at this point you need to understand that he/she hurt you and in most cases hurt you once or a few times. It's the replaying of the hurt, the replaying of the abandonment, the cheating, the lies that hurt you again and again. They are not doing this to you, you are doing it to yourself with your 'thoughts', with your trying to reason with something that defies logic. Every time you think about this situation you hurt. Somehow you cant stop dwelling on it and him.
By now your friends (if you have any left) are sick of hearing about your pain. They are politely excusing themselves, or not so politely excusing themselves from you. They have no more words to say. They fear listening to you is just making the situation worse. It's like watching the same re-runs on TV over and over. They start to hide, you start resenting them. You find yourself thinking of this hurt alone, becoming addicted to your secret pain.
You understand by now that's it's your thinking of this over and over that hurts, the actual event is in the past. You cannot let go, you try everything but it's like glue, it sticks. You start to see who you would be if you could just get rid of the stinking thoughts about him and the situation. If not for this thought, you would be happy. If you are ready for the work, the simplest, easiest thing to do is this.
1. Go buy a timer. No cheating and using one you already have on the stove. Mine looks like a little red tomato. Actually it has been so long since I have used it that one of the grandkids may have swiped it. There is no significance to the tomato, it was the only one on sale years ago when I bought it.
2. During the day when you start your thinking the sad old thoughts, refuse to think about the sad situation. Tell yourself you will think all you want when you get home later.
3. Once home and somewhat relaxed. Set the timer for 15 minutes and do NOTHING but think about the person/situation. Give yourself permission to do this so your thoughts are no longer 'illicit'. Stray thoughts about mail, toenails, work, or whatever are NOT allowed. You can only think about the person/situation and you have the whole 15 minutes to do it in.
You will find that after about a week, your thoughts start changing and thinking about the situation makes you feel annoyed. If you do this correctly and do not cheat, soon you will have your life back.
Eating Crackers In Bed
This subject is about sex. So many of my clients (male and female) have sex without love or commitment. It’s more a recreational romp to pass time. Spirit has shown me when we have sex, we create soul ties with the other party. The more sex, the stronger the tie.
Even though we jumped into this casually, without really considering whether this person is really who we want and if they can provide good emotional support for us we start ‘needing’ this person. We think we fall in love and the truth is we have a soul-sex tie not a love tie. This is painful and messy. Your brain is screaming “This is not the one” and your ego is screaming “I want this person”.
Sometimes we do not even like this person. We then become almost obsessed with wanting them to like us. "Am I not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, for him" we wonder. Why isn't he calling, was the sex not good enough? On and on those thoughts go until we cannot think of anything but this person we do not even like.
A very wise client wrote this for me. So many people have lost respect for themselves and definitely don't understand that by doing so they are creating their own rejection. Loneliness is not an excuse to disrespect our bodies and our souls. I am a huge believer that our main commitment is to ourselves and that it is very easy to be committed when things are right but it only really counts when things are really bad. Breaching that commitment to ourselves brings rejection, pain and more loneliness and then we breach it again… and the circle goes on deeper and deeper.
I also think that putting physical pleasure before self-respect only creates more pain. It is not that we are old fashioned it is about making sure that we are giving the gift of our bodies to a person that is going to accept it with more than just temporary pleasure in mind.
Imagine a cord between you and this person, now imagine them having a cord with another person who also has cords with another and that person has cords with another 2 or 3 people. Soon you have this huge tangled mess and cannot think clearly. You are literally tripping over cords everywhere you go. This is why I call this eating crackers in bed, it’s a lot of fun while you are doing it but later you have a huge mess to clean up. Think before creating a mess. Before you share your most intimate experience with someone, make sure they understand what a gift it is. Make sure they honor you and what you give or else, its just another mess.
I have talked to so many people in anguish. They cry a lot, they think a lot and they come up with new thoughts to torment themselves on almost an hourly basis. Those new thoughts lead to even newer, scarier thoughts. Soon this person is a mess.
This is a short version of an event that actually happened to my friend Sally. Sally was out with Jason, the relationship was about 5 months old. They were at dinner when she noticed him glancing at a slightly older woman. This woman was pretty, she had very red hair that was styled in the old Farrah Fawcet look. Sallys' antenna stared working, he kept glancing at her, short, discreet glances. She started wondering if he liked all that long, layered hair. She started wondering if he had a secret penchant for redheads or maybe he wanted a older woman. He excused himself to go to the bathroom and made sure he walked right by the redheads' table, when he would have had a slightly shorter walk by going another route. He returned to the table the same route. All the time glancing at the redhead. He was only in the bathroom about three minutes. She was sure he just went to have an excuse to have a better look at the older woman. Now she was worried. Her evening was shot. He seemed distracted.
All the next week Sally tortured herself with visuals of Jason and the older redhead. She started checking dating services to see if he had rejoined (she met him on one). He was still calling twice a day but she felt like he was keeping the calls shorter than normal, and he seemed a bit more abrupt. Sally cried a lot at the thought of this relationship ending. Maybe she should just break up with him first. She agonized and wondered what was wrong with her, why was he going to dump her? She could not sleep at night. She started rereading all his emails to see if maybe there was a clue she overlooked.
They made plans for Saturday. They were meeting another couple, his old friend Tom from high school and Toms' wife Lisa. Sally decided to try to get Lisa alone so she could cross examine her about Jason, she was determined to get the dirt on him. They all met at an italian place close to the steakhouse she had been at last week when the redhead appeared. Was this on purpose? Was he hoping the redhead would appear again? Sally was so upset she could not even focus on the conversation, much less getting Lisa alone. Sally poked at her salad. She felt like she was going to be ill. She kept smiling at the table hoping no one would notice how miserable she was. Jason seemed to notice and kept glancing at her. Then the unthinkable happened, the redhead walked in. Sally wondered if Jason had set this up? Just then she heard Jason say:
"Tom look over there at the lady with the red hair."
Tom looked and said "Oh man, thats just spooky!"
Lisa asked "Whats just spooky?"
Tom said "That woman looks just like Jasons' cousin Miranda who was killed in a car wreck about eight years ago, she was such a neat person, she always made us cookies with chocolate chips and these huge pecans."
Jason said "Yeah, I saw her (pointing at the redhead) last week and it really was the weirdest feeling, you know they say everyone has a double out there somewhere." "Maybe it's true and we do."
Sally felt like a huge burden had been lifted, she became her old happy self and started joking about how she was sure her double was a bag lady and Jasons' double was probably on Americas' Most Wanted List, she had the whole group laughing. When Tom said his double was a multi millionaire she joked that he was because he ran an internet site for cross dressers. They had such a good time.
My point is Sally made herself miserable with her own thoughts. She spent a week in misery IMAGINING all kinds of terrors. Her own thought process kept her in a miserable, bitter, frightened space. That week could have been a happy one had she just calmed her thoughts. Her thoughts were not true. She invented all kinds of scenarios to prove her thoughts to herself. Some people get so caught up in this. They are so unhappy. Just live life and get rid of the scary thoughts.
Who would you be without those frightening thought? What would your life be like without being scared? Only you can control them.
Love is like a pizza
One of my dearest friends called me during her lunch break, her relationship, which had started so happily, had been going sour and she was upset. Her guy had been acting strangely, talking roughly and voicing many complaints about her. He did not like her hair, or the way she dressed.
He did not like her attachment to her friends and family or her church. The list seemed to go on and on. Since she is such a good person, so kind and so sweet, so thoughtful of others and always eager to be a help and a listener, I was starting to get upset as she went on and on about what he said was wrong with her. At the end of the conversation she said “I do not want you to really read for me, I just want to know if he loves me?” I asked and got a firm “Yes.” She sounded happy and relieved. We hung up, her break was over.
I was now upset, how could he love her and treat her so badly? How could he start picking her apart for all the very things that had attracted him to her in the first place? And most of all how could I have heard a yes when his behavior was a no? I decided to ask about this.
I got a visual of a pizza and heard “What is this?” “It’s a pizza” I answered. Immediately I saw another pizza, it’s topping were different from the first pizza. “What is this?” I heard. “It’s a pizza” I again answered. This went on for a bit, I saw several pizzas’, most were round, some were square. There were so many different toppings and combinations of toppings. To each I said “It’s a pizza.” I was starting to get frustrated when I heard “Love is like a pizza.” Before I could protest that love seemed to have nothing to do with pizza, I heard “This is the pizza he has for her”. It was anchovy and was covered with onions and hot green peppers.
“She hates all those toppings” I said. I remembered how she once had chewed on a piece of onion, mixed in a salad and the result was not pretty. I thought I understood, he loved her but it was not a healthy, good-for-her, type of love.
I rushed to email her what I had learned. To my surprise she emailed me right back and said she did not understand. Why could she not pick off the offending toppings and just enjoy the rest of the pizza? Good question.
I asked and got a visual of how that pizza would look, empty, with a little sauce and bits of cheese. It was not appetizing at all.
I asked “What can she do?” and got a visual of a woman ordering a ham and pineapple pizza. When the waiter brought her the pizza it was covered with a mountain of meatballs. “I did not order this pizza” the woman said politely. The waiter apologizes and within a short time brings her the pizza she had ordered. She is happy. The person who had ordered the meatball pizza was happy to have the pizza they ordered. This was just a pizza mix-up.
There is no pizza (love) shortage. Pizzas’ (love) are all over the place. You do have to decide what ingredients you want. If your order seems misplaced, reorder. If your order is lacking an ingredient, keep reordering until you get exactly what you want.