Rebels Place

When I first met my significant other, I would tell him when he left on his various travel schedules "Travel Safe".  He stopped one day and very quietly said to me "My Dear, you seem to think train travel is dangerous."  To which I replied " No, I just learned long ago never let someone you love out of your sight without telling them how you feel"  A little lesson I suppose we should all learn at a young age and hopefully we have. 

It seems though as we grow older in life, we forget that one important thing.  Never let the people we value think otherwise or question for just a moment that we do.  It is common place even in these days of instant communication to have good friends and family that we go for hours days and sometimes even years without even stopping to say ...Hi... ya still alive?  okay good.  And we wonder.. Do they remember us ?  Do they care? Do they feel the same?   Being out of communication makes us human.  We run helter skelter through our everyday lives.  This new year take time to pause and reflect find those people and make contact.  Afraid your significant other doesn't approve or will react badly? Try involving  him or her it usually resolves the conflict. You will find however a little contact goes along way. As it is not just a cliche, those who genuinely love you, always love you. Space and Time never change that.

What brought on this little  revelation you may ask?  Like most people in life I get in a routine which includes taking certain things for granted.  My significant other left for his mothers for the holidays.  I smiled thinking of the lovely time he would have with his family.  Our relationship is based on implicit trust and always has been, but something just did not feel right to me.  I shrugged it off saying, "He is going to his mothers , How much trouble could he get into?"  I kept my misgiving to myself told him to Drive Safely and call me when he arrived.  I know... Paranoid thing I am.   The day before he was to come home,  I received the news he had fallen on the ice and was in the hospital.   In that one small instant, I knew how close I had come to having a very large part of my world destroyed.  I was grateful to Spirit on several levels 1) that he had only cracked his elbow and not had a more serious accident. 2) That his brother and his nephew  had been with him 3) That Spirit had blessed me with being able to make sure he understands everyday I love him and what he means to me. 

So today's little lesson, take advantage of the technological opportunities  Spirit has blessed you with, let those you love know it, even if its just a message on a machine that says I called to say Happy New year.

Light and Love
Reb

I sit and watch and wonder as the days tick on.  It is Christmas.  I feel the anxiety climb from people of all walks and races.  What if?  They don't like what i bought I didn't buy enough.  I guess I have a hard time understanding.  My fondest wish for Christmas has always been one I will never see and that is the health of my son.

 
Really over the years I have come to understand it doesn't matter what religion, Christian , Hebrew, Muslim, Wiccan etc we are all affected by this energy.   

The one thing I pray for all of you to understand is that your gifts mean most when there is part of you in them.  Nothing means more to a genuine person than being able to look at something and know that you spent time thinking , feeling , and understanding that it would be perfect for him or her.  If that isn't the case, perhaps that is someone you shouldn't be bothering to buy for?

So relax and enjoy the season.  Know that each and everyone of you is the purest type gift that anyone can receive. 

Everyday as readers, we are asked when is the right person coming?  Why doesn't he communicate more?  Is this to much communication?  Is she clingy? Is it bad?   Is it good? I want more.  And anyone who has ever been in love can relate.  That feeling of just "knowing" that your heart is there and wanting so badly for the other person to feel the same.  It seems like we search our entire lives for that one precious person.  And then....

   After years..we find him or her.  We expect fireworks,bells, hell maybe just a perfect night of star gazing and what we find is just pure unadulterated terror.  That terror of what happens if we lose that precious treasure.  Most of us find it completely incomprehensible. So again we are faced with choices.  Choice 1) face your terror, love this treasure, give it your all and see what happens.  Have faith in Spirit to protect you both.  Choice 2) go back to the way you were , some of us lonely , some of us okay, some of us not quite content but functioning.  You weigh , you struggle you think and you pray and hopefully, you make the decision that is right for you.  Just an fyi, if your gut gave you choice two it probably wasn't right anyway.  I have found myself living this decision lately.  It is easy as a reader to tell someone look..this is what you have to do ..."yea its hard but guess what life is hard".   But then there is facing it yourself. I always say Life is about decisions...

   So I guess this journal is for all of you who face this decision, as more seem to be calling me lately.  It is hard and life is not perfect.  Yes I am afraid, and the absolute terror that consumes my soul some days is enough to take my breath. Spirit allows him the wisdom to show me most everyday that it will be okay.  Not as fast as I like, not at the pace I want.  But  at the pace that he is allowing.  Like all of you , I want to deal with the situation and know an answer.  I think, I know but the only real knowledge is with time...flippin free will and all. 

   All in all, I guess my answer is this....  I took a walk one day, and I found the most beautiful treasure.  I had almost missed it.  After all , someone else had thrown it away.  It was lying there in the open for all to see and yet no one seemed to notice. I stopped, afraid, it seemed so sweet and nice surely someone throwing it away must have been a mistake.   I looked closer and it sparkled at me, so I bent to touch it and it grew beneath my fingertips.   I asked .. Are you wanted?  He said " I was once. Not now"   As the months passed what had started as just a treasure had quickly transformed into a lifeline giving back the healing it had received.  Before I knew it, The treasure had become part of my soul.  The pain of the past still there but easier to talk of, relate to and share.  Scabs coming off and healing continued.  Then came the time , when my treasure asked " Have a little more faith in me and see what happens?"  I cried and cried afraid as I had not been in years.  I tried to share but the words wouldn't come.  I heard Spirit say to me In the end it must be your decision.  I survived physical assault, cancer, two divorces...I begged Spirit please not to let me in the dark, only to hear, In the end the decision must be mine????  Well here is my answer to Spirit, my treasure , and the rest of you who still struggle.  I will have faith and see what happens.  I once labored under the delusion that if I lost my treasure I could  go back to being just as I was.  I do know that is not the case.  Yes this terrifies me, but not as much as voluntarily letting you go.    So I will have faith.  I love you Daniel, you are my treasure. That said have faith my readers in whatever you do  and take one step at  a time.  Yes if its wrong, the pain will be overwhelming but not so overwhelming as the alternative.

--
"Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."— Hebrews 11:1

  There is a quote and I don't remember who said it but it sticks in my mind like glue.  No one can change the past, but anyone can make a new beginning. Those are the truest words I think I have ever heard. 
    Like it or not , you or me, we are all humans and in that we are fallible.  Mistakes we will make.  So in this life if someone shows you a different way or a new beginning be open to it, just be realistic in knowing that it is or isn't the same behaviors you have already seen. 
     Spirit allows people to change if they want to, however it is human nature to revert back to the old way or ways to witch we are used to.  Be mindful , Be aware, Be open, to be Spiritual.  Spiritual does not denote stupid.  It simply denotes aware of all aspects.

Peace and love
Becca

I remember a time growing up , watching a couple.  He always gave her money for Christmas and her birthday never purchased her presents. 

So one year, he  decided to man up. Off to the mall he trudged.. Now bare in mind, he HATED shopping with a passion.  He spent probably twelve hours trudging through this horrible little mall. In the end his purchase was a quarter carat diamond earrings, two gold chains of varying lengths, a fur coat, and  a clock that ran on marbles going from one ledge to another.  It was really quite neat.

Then came the big day...time to open the gifts.  He opened his and quietly said thank you.  He sat and waited for the children to open theirs, you could see the anticipation building in his eyes waiting on her to open hers. She opened hers and said why?  You could see the shock on his face why??  She said , " you know I don't where that kind of stuff, it's for ritzy people who think they are someone that's not me." "The clock is just ugly" And she walked out to prepare the holiday meal.  His face fell to the floor but he never shed a tear at least where we could see.

The same set of people now divorced and married to other people. The woman's new husband buys her presents and she is grateful for everyone of them. Some are nice and well some aren't but she never says a word.  The man buys presents for the new wife who demands each and everyone and then some.  But he buys none the less ...and each couple is as happy as they are capable of being.

That same man and woman who exchanged gifts so long ago were married for 25 years. It was the "right" thing to do.  As much as I am not a staunch supporter of divorce, sometimes it is wise to think of the example you are setting to your children or the children around you.  For we teach by example. Divorce sometimes is the better option and almost always less painful then the alternatives.

We all wonder through varying stages of maturity at different times.  As much as I understand that , it doesn't stop me from being repulsed when I read things here and there.  What I find funny though is when your conscience stops you in the middle of your soap box rant and says...." Do you remember when...?"  You stop, and hang your head just a bit like a child whose been caught with her hand in the cookie jar. 

   I guess I have a funny faith or belief system.  I sincerely believe what comes around goes around.  Or as a friend of mine once said stop whining about what God did not give you  and be grateful God hasn't given you what you deserve.

   Yesterday while cruising around reading different things I came across a blog/journal thing written by a man who was whining about all the overweight girls and how much it repulsed him and all he wanted was a thin toned athletic woman.  Now everyone is entitled to their likes and dislikes but the way he phrased it was so condescending, I started to become all outraged and angry for my somewhat chunkier sisters..........AND THEN my conscience or God tapped my shoulder whichever you believe and memories of another time flowed into my head.

     You see, my personal physical preference on  a man is that he is built like a small linebacker.  I just always have preferred it that way.  There has always been just something so secure to me about being with a man who has some bulk to him.  Now that doesn't mean fat, nor does it mean cut, it just means bulk.  The two men I finally did consent to marry matched that physical preference to a t, and I loved it.

     When I first started online dating, my teenage children were watching me browse one day, and came across a picture of a man, whom I can only describe as tall thin and in need of a pocket protector. My darling little princess said Mommy talk to him.  I looked at her and went ......Uhm Honey,  searching desperately in my mind for how to explain to my 15 year old  that Mommy found this mans visage repulsive.  Not wanting to teach my daughter to judge a book by its cover I bit the bullet and talked , only to find out he made me laugh.  A quality that I hold very dear in any man. Long story short in the end what he looked like or how he dressed really did not matter so much.

    So with those memories in my mind , I got off my soapbox, made a silent apology to God for exerting my opinion where it wasn't needed and went about the rest of my day. 

     

 

I was just sitting,reading my messages  thinking about people we feel sorry for.  Most people feel sorry for me on some level because my son is so severely autistic.  Ironically I find that funny on so many levels when I meet those people.  They look at my life and say, uh you cant go out. Well, yes I can that is why God created older siblings and child care or at his age its called respite care.  Not to mention he does have a father.

 
   Then the next thought they have is well he is retarded.  Well granted he will never be a rocket scientist, but he is most always happy. Quiet he isn't but now matter how shitty your mood he is always happy to see you when he loves you.  That two year old mentality of YAY!! My mommy is here, I will never have to let that go.  People often feel sorry for others because they can never see the positive side. The examples I could give here ...well we would be here for awhile.

   I can hear some of you now, "okay Pollyanna." Yea, well maybe.  But you know I am speaking the truth.   I remember a date a few years back, where I agreed to let the man come to my home and make dinner for me.  Eggplant. Ironically, I felt his wanting to make dinner was a cultural  thing and , that he just had more respect for family than most. It was not till much later that I understood , because I always spoke of my children he felt I was never without them.  Sadly, being that they are and have been for sometime almost grown they spend a great deal of time away, I just treasured the time they are here and find that worth discussing more than the other times.   Interestingly, while making dinner he burnt himself, fairly severely.  I went to touch his hand to seek to medicate it.  He jerked it away and told me it was nt my concern...(I wondered if he thought, I was trying to physically advance on him) Let me assure everyone I have more taste than to advance on a man physically on a first date and or advance on one with my children in the house.

 
    It wasn't till much later, that I realized no one had ever cared enough about him to want to help him when he hurt.  I was sad but said nothing.  A few days later I bought him burn ointment and left it with him.  Ironically , I should have acknowledged that he had a chance to know genuine love and caring, and what he did with it was his choice, versus feeling sorry for him.

So two things here.
     1. Don't judge a book by it's cover, you never know what the story is till you read a bit.
     2. Life is about choices...but you do have to make them  Take the ointment and know the joy even if its simple or continue to live in fear and doubt.

What impresses Becca?


Often I have been asked what impresses me?  Those who have known me over the years know it is very few and far between.  I am not impressed by money stature heritage etc.  Very few things can impress me. 

Yesterday, I took a walk to the local park.  I found something that impresses me , and rarely happens anywhere but America.  :)  I am moving and in the process of buying a house.  It creates stress and I do my best to walk it off.  While mostly State College is not a fun place to live it has its moments.  I entered the local park to see my friend Syaid playing with his German shepherd Rama.  I walked over to play and as I walked , I noticed  three Muslim men apx age 20 or so teaching some random white child approximately age eight to play cricket.  Some Egyptian couple playing backgammon at the park table.  A group of Asians on the playground equipment , the boys  barbecuing in the pit.  And a bunch of white women swinging on a swing set whining if they swing to much they will throw out their back. 

Now while Si and I played with Rama , I watched everyone.  Our founding fathers I am sure had the mindset that we would all interact, it rarely happens.  But everyone in the same park and everyone together was nice to see.  Now  how do I know for sure where everyone is from.  I am one of the fortunate people in life who can recognize over 10 different languages , speak them fluently ...Oh hell no  but ..I can recognize.   Needless to say though I was so impressed..


Today while I was relating this story to my daughter, she said to me....Oh so you saw America in a nutshell ?  And  the light bulb  went off...

Today's subject of the day.  Commitment phobia.  Men and women alike suffer.  Is it that they are truly afraid of commitment ?  To scarred from past relationships?  Constantly looking for that something better?
Having been there done that.   A few things I have learned.....

1. Afraid of commitment.  Is a human being afraid of being loved cared for and treasured...Ummm No  Most seek this with all their heart

2. Scarred from past relationships?  Get over yourselves.  At this age we have all been hurt.  Suck it up be a wo-man or a man.

3.Looking for something better?  Well, if someone truly loves you and dedicates themselves to you. AND you still want to look for something better by yourself a barbie.

I had a woman recently call me on the line in tears, all she wanted was for him to come home.   She said to me , I knew my place as a woman and I took care of him, I don't understand.( I have been there , I respected mine and took care of him, I cried with her )

Today I explain it to all of you , as I explained it to her.  It is not about point 1, 2, or 3.  It is not about the exquisite care you take of the one you love.   It is about if the one you love is Man enough or Woman enough to stand up and say , I love her, or I love him and stick to that.  You see it always smarts a bit to the pride when your best bud says ....He dresses like a pimp on vacation or Man, she is a chunky thing isn't she.   The mark of a true love is can you withstand that?     If your significant other has shown you...not told you...shown you... All the others  in the world mean more to them than you as a person when you have given you all MOVE ON! Unrequited love is not romantic, nor is it special it is simply sad and terrifying to the one left to endure its hell.

I had the privilege of visiting with a child yesterday about five years old. He was not mine , nor had I met him before. We had the most entertaining conversation, as he showed me his toys and explained thier names. As I laughed and relaxed he told me about his birthday and cake and then asked about mine. I said very quickly I did not have a birthday cake, and he stopped mid chatter and stared at me with horror stating you have to have a cake. What if you get hungry on your birthday? Then he said wait a minute, and pulled a chair next to mine climbed up in it and asked me what I had for my birthday.

I felt the familiar sting of tears at the back of my eyes, as I remembered the hell that had surrounded my holidays. I quickly pulled myself together and said "Well, I had a good dinner does that count?" He smiled and was content again going back to showing me his toys. I could see in his face the relaxation and comfort and I knew he was okay again.

This brief interaction was both a blessing and a reminder. No matter how bad your day is, how much emotional hell is ensuing in your life a child's love even if only briefly makes one feel so much better. They are the blessings given from God for us to provide for and guide. Anyone doing less should be in eternal shame. Rather cards God Godess Allah remember your blessings in the small things.

It's just a little dent!


Recently, when a gentleman hit my car, and the little dent, totaled a whopping $1275.00 to fix, I was reminded what just a little dent can cost.   Most of our calls here at keen surround love, and the fact we want it.  Let me remind, everyone before I go further, that I myself am in the same boat.

When we are dating and having a good time,and that little intuitive voice says to you.  Go Home, your just one of many it means it.  Many times we stay, many times we brush it aside, even though we hear it, thinking, It's just a little dent, It won't take to much to fix.

Till we measure, the self esteem, the fear, the emotional pain, and the even further loss we feel when we are done, the little dent totals into the thousands. My advice is not to close yourself off from potential love, but to develop the intuition that is given to us all.  And , listen to it.  Sometimes, that is the only way to find the truth and the love your looking for.

Some of you must be contemplating the" chunkier side of life!" Because, I have been feeling a need to talk about it.

As a child, I would range from a size 8 to a size 12. Even as a teen, I was always one of the "big" girls. I learned to laugh, and my father helped me develop a thick skin by always telling me, if someone does not like the way you look, the hell with them. While on principle that was a nice way to put it. It did not help me understand. No matter, if I worked out, played a sport or what, I never could be smaller. Girls, some of us just aren't going to be!! Love Yourself. Pretty is how u carry yourself, how you take care, how u dress, it has nothing to do with your size. If you do not believe that however no one else will.

When I became pregnant the first time, I gained 100 pounds, nearly gave my doctor a stroke, and found out a whole new version of large. Consequently child two came and so did child three, the weight roller coaster continued. After Timothy some questions finally began to get answered. I had a enlarged thyroid. A goiter. Interesting for those of you who don't know what that means follow this link http://www.womentowomen.com/hypothyroidism/hormonalimbalance.aspx?id=1&campaignno=thyroid&adgroup=ag11symptoms&keywords=thyroid+symptoms. (btw..if you have thyroid issues and u stop eating, your metabolism shuts down and you gain weight)


7 years ago the Doctors finally got around to removing said Goiter, only to find out it had grown larger than expected. Wrapped around my throat, became cancerous, destroyed my parathyroid and my calcium glands. Bye-Bye thyroid and any chance of regulating my weight again!! But hey hey!! I get to live so its cool right.

Now ladies, be aware, this is not to excuse laziness but my speaking out, is to make you understand, there is always more than one reason. Look be aware, but don't be ashamed. Be proud of who you are and what you are, its not something we tell you as parents because its the right thing to say. Its something we tell you because its the truth.

And a side not to the gentleman of the group  Please remember You do not love a woman because she is beautiful she is beautiful because you love her.

I haven't written in awhile and for all of u who read, I am sorry that is first and foremost.  For those of you who don't know my marriage came to an end in July.  I fought an 8 year battle to hang on and in the end I just could no longer do it.   I find that is what Spirit wants me to relate today. 
   Sometimes the life lesson isnt when is it going to get better , sometimes its I need to learn to let go.  My mother always told me there is a difference between self centered and self preserving.  For those of you who know me, you know I can be a caring giving person.  When I first met my husband it was a beautiful relationship, one where he exhibited alot of caring and attention.  I loved it and I loved him right away, experiencing that energy that u can only know if u have experienced it.   We moved in together and proceeded to raise a family, a blended family his children and mine.
   I first noticed something might have been wrong, when we were cleaning the kitchen one night and I touched his back gently and he started screaming at me.  I left the kitchen immediately with tears in my eyes.  But like some that I talk to, I chose to ignore the red flag because, I loved him, and I forged on.
   Over the years I heard many times, I was "dumb as dirt"  , or how "I made him sick" .  Yet I found a reason to stay in my heart, his kids needed me.  My kids needed a family, I couldn't afford it.  Even when Spirit showed me I could afford it.  I still made the mistake of thinking... it was my responsibility.   I did him no favors me no favors and I did the children even less justice.     Now some may say well you did what was right for his kids.  That to a point would be true.  But I learned when I moved in July, I did not do what was right for mine when I stayed.  And mine ... are the ones I was responsible for. 
   In July, when he screamed at me and finally said I want a divorce, the switch i always talk about flipped for me and I said okay.

   So the life lesson here, is love well, but pay attention.  Alot of times in many of your situations, it is so much more than does he love me? 

   So...in the end ...sometimes an Ending is just a beginning

Yesterday seems so far away.....

I am so sorry to be off for most of the last week.  I was away for a family emergency

in nyc.

 

Thank you all for being so understanding

Becca