MUSINGS OF A PSYCHIC SPIRITUALIST
Many of you have read my Divorce Chronicles blog series and if not, I encourage you to go back and read them especially if you are going through something similar or if someone you know is. I am now starting a new series on what being single at 46 means and I hope you will enjoy it.
I left my husband January 2nd and the divorce was final February 16th. I never have been a quitter and so in February I put some profiles up on online dating sites but the scene out there was worse than I thought. I received many responses but I was taken aback because none of the men seemed to be real or genuine. I did not go and meet anyone. I received tons of responses from men who were very faraway despite the fact that I spelled out in my profile that I wanted to meet men who lived in certain areas of my city.
At 46 and after my pension of 18 years of work at an oil company being potentially at risk in the divorce (e.g., I walked away without having to give up any of my pension) I realized I look at life much differently now. For better or worse, I realize that I have to look at myself as a potential target of a robbery or the potential victim of someone who may be after the pension. It saddens me to have this attitude because I used to really believe that true love could conquer all and that someday I would really meet someone who would appreciate me as a partner.
Since my divorce, I have entered several bowling tournaments and keep in contact with people belonging to that world and I try to think of ways to connect with people in a healthy sort of environment but its hard out there. People in my apartment complex are very aloof and unfriendly and I feel as if I do not belong here.
I woke up this morning with a sense of extreme loneliness but that is something I must deal with. At times I am happy being single and free but the loneliness is a real obstacle that has to be dealt with.
I talked to an ex-boyfriend from my 20-something days last week and he was very friendly and supportive and I was glad I reached out to him. I do not know where this situation will go.
As the days go by I will be sharing more and more about my journey into the single world. I have a new appreciation and respect for those who are single and struggling to find meaning and hope in their lives.
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This is the last part of an 11-part series I have written on a very personal and traumatic divorce that I suffered and I am sharing it with you in the hope that it might benefit others who are suffering.
As of today, March 16th, I have been divorced now for exactly one month. I opened the Houston Chronicle this morning and found an advertisement for a seminar that said "Guide to a Good Divorce". Are they kidding? A GOOD divorce? What on earth could possibly be GOOD about a divorce? And, a sitcom advertising on TV called "Happily Divorced"? Are these people nuts?
Divorce is not part of God's plan for us and it causes much pain and suffering. Even though I am glad to be away from my ex-husband's mental health issues, prescription drug addiction and verbal and emotional abuse, happy is not an adjective to describe the emotions I am feeling. People don't seem to understand how much pain a person feels even if the marriage was not a good one and not a happy one. Even an unhappy marriage has a certain amount of security and comfort that one derives from it.
As I look back over the past 10 months and the past 2 months of separation and divorce, there are times when I feel hopeful and happy and other times when I feel very sad. I am getting stronger and I have done well with my bowling but there are just times when memories resurface and punch me in the gut. I lost my home and my spouse and its going to be a long road to recovery.
On the other hand, I have been spared from dealing with the ex-husband's job loss and I have handled successfully my finances and a major car repair but I am still reeling, still grieving and still very sad.
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ITS
Easy--JUST HIGHLIGHT the website
link below and do
a CONTROL C to copy
and a CONTROL V to paste it into your browser and you will see:
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"Welcome
to STARFLET'S STARS Group Home
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Next,
select an advisor,
PLACE your CALL through the WEBSITE
and then I will
SEND you the FREE
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HURRY! THIS OFFER
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IMPORTANT NOTES:
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offer is good only for
USA
residents.
- Calls
to me do not count for the free
minute offer as I am NOT a
member of my own group.
- Calls
must be placed while on the
STARFLET'S STARS website page
and you must
click on the advisor of your
choice from the website page.
- All
calls must show up on my CALL
ACTIVITY log--no exceptions.
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Are you ready to leap into Spring?
TREAT yourself
to a reading today and GET 5 FREE
MINUTES good
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with me just by placing a PAID
call of at least 5
MINUTES' DURATION to
any of the 340 advisors in my group, STARFLET'S STARS, featuring readers
hand-picked by me to provide a variety of services including RADIO
& TV psychics, LOVE &
RELATIONSHIP psychics, TAROT card
readers,
mediums, voices from beyond,
pet psychics, spiritualists
and MORE.
ITS
Easy--JUST HIGHLIGHT the website
link below and do
a CONTROL C to copy
and a CONTROL V to paste it into your browser and you will see:
http://www.keen.com/grouplist/12862/GHP/1/
"Welcome
to STARFLET'S STARS Group Home
Page"
Next,
select an advisor,
PLACE your CALL through the WEBSITE
and then I will
SEND you the FREE
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HURRY! THIS OFFER
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CALL
THREE
DIFFERENT ADVISORS YOU GET THREE BATCHES OF 5 FREE MINUTES FOR
QUALIFYING CALLS.
IMPORTANT NOTES:
- This
offer is good only for
USA
residents.
- Calls
to me do not count for the free
minute offer as I am NOT a
member of my own group.
- Calls
must be placed while on the
STARFLET'S STARS website page
and you must
click on the advisor of your
choice from the website page.
- All
calls must show up on my CALL
ACTIVITY log--no exceptions.
- If
you have NOT spoken to me ever before
you will need to email me directly after your call so that I may send
the free minutes to
you.
Are you ready to leap into Spring?
TREAT yourself
to a reading today and GET 5 FREE
MINUTES good
for a FREE bonus reading
with me just by placing a PAID
call of at least 5
MINUTES' DURATION to
any of the 345 advisors in my group, STARFLET'S STARS, featuring readers
hand-picked by me to provide a variety of services including RADIO
& TV psychics, LOVE &
RELATIONSHIP psychics, TAROT card
readers,
mediums, voices from beyond,
pet psychics, spiritualists
and MORE.
ITS
Easy--JUST HIGHLIGHT the website
link below and do
a CONTROL C to copy
and a CONTROL V to paste it into your browser and you will see:
http://www.keen.com/grouplist/12862/GHP/1/
"Welcome
to STARFLET'S STARS Group Home
Page"
Next,
select an advisor,
PLACE your CALL through the WEBSITE
and then I will
SEND you the FREE
MINUTES.
HURRY! THIS OFFER
EXPIRES
AT
MIDNIGHT ON WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 29TH--NO LIMIT ON CALLS BECAUSE IF YOU
CALL
THREE
DIFFERENT ADVISORS YOU GET THREE BATCHES OF 5 FREE MINUTES FOR
QUALIFYING CALLS.
IMPORTANT NOTES:
- This
offer is good only for
USA
residents.
- Calls
to me do not count for the free
minute offer as I am NOT a
member of my own group.
- Calls
must be placed while on the
STARFLET'S STARS website page
and you must
click on the advisor of your
choice from the website page.
- All
calls must show up on my CALL
ACTIVITY log--no exceptions.
- If
you have NOT spoken to me ever before
you will need to email me directly after your call so that I may send
the free minutes to
you.
Are you ready to leap into Spring?
TREAT yourself
to a reading today and GET 5 FREE
MINUTES good
for a FREE bonus reading
with me just by placing a PAID
call of at least 5
MINUTES' DURATION to
any of the 345 advisors in my group, STARFLET'S STARS, featuring readers
hand-picked by me to provide a variety of services including RADIO
& TV psychics, LOVE &
RELATIONSHIP psychics, TAROT card
readers,
mediums, voices from beyond,
pet psychics, spiritualists
and MORE.
ITS
Easy--JUST HIGHLIGHT the website
link below and do
a CONTROL C to copy
and a CONTROL V to paste it into your browser and you will see:
http://www.keen.com/grouplist/12862/GHP/1/
"Welcome
to STARFLET'S STARS Group Home
Page"
Next,
select an advisor,
PLACE your CALL through the WEBSITE
and then I will
SEND you the FREE
MINUTES.
HURRY! THIS OFFER
EXPIRES
AT
MIDNIGHT ON WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 29TH--NO LIMIT ON CALLS BECAUSE IF YOU
CALL
THREE
DIFFERENT ADVISORS YOU GET THREE BATCHES OF 5 FREE MINUTES FOR
QUALIFYING CALLS.
IMPORTANT NOTES:
- This
offer is good only for
USA
residents.
- Calls
to me do not count for the free
minute offer as I am NOT a
member of my own group.
- Calls
must be placed while on the
STARFLET'S STARS website page
and you must
click on the advisor of your
choice from the website page.
- All
calls must show up on my CALL
ACTIVITY log--no exceptions.
- If
you have NOT spoken to me ever before
you will need to email me directly after your call so that I may send
the free minutes to
you.
This is Part X in the series I have posted about a very personal and traumatic experience I have had with my divorce in hopes that it will help members of the Keen community who may be similarly experiencing the same problem.
It was amazing how fast the movers unloaded my things and the simultaneously, this awesome cable guy was hooking up my cable and internet. After they left, I myself numbly started unpacking my things and putting stuff away. I had to put the sheets on the bed and make my bed. Feelings of panic washed over me almost immediately before bedtime when I realized this new apartment was where I had to stay and that I would not be able to go home again. I didn't sleep well that first night in the apartment and I still don't sleep all that well but it has gotten better.
I took off Tuesday, January 3rd from work to rest and I awoke early and the on/off button flew off my computer and I could not get the computer to restart so it was off to Wal-Mart at 6 a.m. to get a new laptop and I did and I got it home and found the new computer had a problem and so it was back to Wal-Mart again to return it and get another computer and thank goodness the 2nd one worked. I felt so exhausted, numb and in shock. At the Wal-Mart I had to ask the associate if they could get me a chair to sit down in since I was dizzy and they did while I was waiting for them to get another computer for me. Later on that morning, I had to contact an attorney to file an answer to the divorce petition my husband had filed earlier in August and I did. My Dad came over that, day, too, and brought me a hamburger and a few more boxes from his house and that helped, too, as I unpacked those boxes.
Fortunately, I had been able to take two television sets with me and so I had one set up in the bedroom so I could watch it and let it help me fall asleep and I did. It was an effort just to lay out an outfit for work and I had to get up a little earlier than normal as I had a slightly different commute and wasn't sure how that would work.
The first few weekends were rough as I waited for my husband to call and say he was sorry and beg for me to come home but that was not to be. I was very, very lonely, and still in shock. I missed my old neighborhood, my old grocery store and just about everything. I did not like having to shop at different stores now. Everything seemed very strange.
On Sundays, I started having Sunday lunch with my folks and that helped me through some difficult times. I went to the tanning salon regularly to keep my vitamin D levels up. I felt like I was a fish out of water trying to adapt to new surroundings and a new reality.
Near the end of January I found Nar-Anon Family group meeting at the Methodist church down the street and started attending the meetings. These meetings are on Tuesday night and Saturday night and they really have helped me understand why my husband's clonazepam addiction destroyed our marriage and our lives and our home. I am learning about myself and learning how to put my experience into perspective.
Divorce is expensive and I am thankful that I was able to prepare and save up a considerable amount of funds as I had to pay an attorney and pay the cost of the move and the new apartment which is very pricey but somehow it seems as if I am making it and for that I am grateful.
The scariest part is not knowing how the rest of my life will unfold--will I always be alone? Will I find another partner? Will I date again or not? Will I continue to be healthy?
This is Part IX of the series that I am writing about my recent, traumatic personal experience with divorce and a very difficult situation in hopes that it may help those of you who are going through a similar experience. Be sure to go back and pick up the other eight blogs if you need to catch up.
On Tuesday, December 27th it became very clear that I had to leave and so I made arrangements with the apartment complex I had had on standby since last summer and the next morning, Wednesday, December 28th I got up early and went out ahead of the garbage truck to pick up boxes from people's Christmas garbage to use to pack my dishes and things. I began packing in earnest early that morning and by early afternoon I had packed a full truckload which I removed from the house over to my parents' house in Tomball. Things went very quickly that day as I confirmed my apartment availability, contacted a moving company for the big pieces of furniture and continued packing. On Thursday, I did more packing and took another load to my folks' house in Tomball and on that Friday, December 30th I had to take some important papers with me to work in my briefcase and work that last day of the year and then after work I went with a full load in my pickup to the apartment complex and signed the lease and got my keys and put some stuff away in the new apartment. Signing the lease was the "point of no return" as I knew I could not go back and it was very scary. I put my stuff away that I had brought, mostly dishes, and then stopped at Wal-mart on the way home and bought a survival kit.
The next morning, Saturday, I went back to the apartment with another load and my parents met me here and helped bring me some things that I needed and we put them away and I mounted the steer horns on the wall and my deer horns and put some pictures up to make me feel at home.
I had to return home again and Saturday was New Year's eve and I spent the evening packing the contents of my dresser into boxes. and desperately trying to get everything ready.
On Sunday, I went back to the apartment with another load and then that night my ex and I went out to dinner and it was the saddest dinner I had ever had. You see, my ex didn't know exactly which day I was leaving but I was leaving Monday.
My ex had to go to work on January 2 (Monday) and the moving van was late showing up and so I had spent the whole morning pacing the floor back and forth, grabbing the cable boxes, my grandmother's china bowl, and other odds and ends. Finally, the movers came late that afternoon and we loaded up in 20 minutes and the cable guy met us at the other end and hooked up the cable and I started putting stuff away.
It was very frightening, though, as I now realized that from now on I had to stay at this apartment and I could not go home again and that the home that I once knew was gone, really gone. It is scary to suddenly find that one is in a new apartment having left under a very traumatic and stressful situation.
As December approached I threw myself into the holiday preparations with a lot of positive energy but still knowing full well that this could really be our last Christmas together.
The first weekend in December we enjoyed a dinner at the Spaghetti Warehouse downtown, one of our favorite restaurants and earlier that day I had put up a spectacular outdoor light display that amazed even me. I finished the indoor decorations, too, and put up the Christmas tree--the house looked very clean and festive.
As we got into mid-December my husband seemed more and more distant and I basically ignored him because I was excited about my son coming home on December 22nd. On December 19th we took what was to be our last trip to Lake Charles and we had a great two days together then and then the end was fast-approaching.
My son arrived home on December 22nd and we basically had 4.0 days of celebration and festivities and my husband just seemed very distant as if he were not present in the moment. On Christmas Day when we opened our gifts I noticed that my husband had purchased significantly fewer gifts for me than usual even though I had purchased about the same for him not wanting to appear cheap. There was just very little for me under the tree compared to prior years and I knew it was not a financial matter because he had bought tons of presents for his son, the son's family and also for his ex-wife.
I had to get up at 4 a.m. on Tuesday, December 27th to take my son to the airport to catch his flight home and later on that morning, everything hit the fan. I had looked on my husband's desk blotter calendar and I noticed an entry for "LP" on the 28th and "LP" was the initials for his attorney. I confronted him about this and asked him if he was planning to toss me out and he wouldn't look me in the eye and he was covering his face with his hands and I knew we were finished, just like that.
I was highly-irritated and stormed out the door to leave for a little while to cool down and while I was out he went to Home Depot and changed the lock to the front door. I arrived home to find the door wide open, the old lock had been tossed out onto the front porch where someone could have tripped and fallen on it and I went inside and he was passed out on the bed from a lot of clonazepam. When he woke up I told him I was leaving soon and could I please have a key until then and he gave me one. This incident was simply the last straw and I heard the evil chill in his voice.
I will write another installment soon about the packing and the move.
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I am writing this blog to you, dear reader, in hopes that it will help those of you who might be facing a divorce soon. Please feel free to go back to Part I and read the entire saga.
November brought some drastic changes to the household. My husband's beloved lab mix dog passed away on November 4th and he started taking more and more clonazepam. I had a brief respite on the next weekend after that as he went to New Orleans with his son for a weekend to visit the WWII museum and I cleaned up the house really well while he was gone and then I got ready for a garage sale as I knew that the boom was about to be lowered on me. The Thanksgiving week was really tough because I was off work for vacation days since I had not really been able to take time off during the year or plan a vacation under the situation I was facing and on Tuesday of the Thanksgiving week my husband had a panic attack at the school where he teachers and had to come home and take more clonazepam and go to sleep. Meanwhile I spent my Tuesday afternoon making an appointment for him with a new psychiatrist. The garage sale went well and I made enough to buy
Christmas presents since I was pretty heavily into the saving money mode.
Thanksgiving Day was really awful because my husband went over to his son's house for Thanksgiving and I was not invited and he had dinner there with his son and of course, the pesky ex-wife was there, too.
The fake heart attack occurred the Monday after Thanksgiving since of course, my husband did not want to go to work and I knew all along he was faking but he insisted I call 911 and the paramedics came out and hooked him up the 12 lead heart monitor and his heart rhythm was just fine, imagine that.
In the meantime I turned my thoughts towards what would be our last Christmas together and I will pick up with that tomorrow evening.
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