The Daily Nickel by Zach

Old American Proverbs Updated for the Times

2009-03-14T21:09:00Z

Old American proverbs with a new twist.

None of us are proud to be living in an urban sprawl where good looks equates to good times, but who really is going to boast about their big wife and their big barn? Anyone? No, thought not. These old American sayings are so out-dated you’d expect to see them returning to Vegas for a revival tour. We’ve decided to pick out a few and give them a little Millennium twist.

A big wife and a big barn will never do a man any harm - until you answer to her for getting caught in the barn with the neighbor’s wife.

A clean conscience makes a soft pillow - and a quiet jury.

A poor excuse is better than none at all - unless your 5 years old.

A little too late is much too late - especially for court appearances.

A smile is worth a thousand words - Unless your Mother walks in on you and your girlfriend while having sex, then its three words: oh my god - honey cover up - get out Mom. any one of those is worth saying.

A clock will run without watching it - for the batteries keep going and going and going.

A man is judged by the company he keeps - and what they're driving.

A man is the only animal that can be skinned more than once - and the second time he deserved it.

A small leak will sink a great ship - and a wave runner.

A man who marries twice is a two time loser - And two times broke, and two times alimony, and two times in therapy for a year, and two times he's paying for a car he'll never see again.

A woman thinks it takes two to keep a secret - And three to make it worthy of a lawsuit.

A good wife is the best household furniture - and when you tell her this she’ll also show you how great a boxer she is!

Believe nothing you hear, half of what you see and only one fourth of what you know to be true - and when in Washington DC just don't believe.

Better a dollar earned than ten inherited Unless your accountant says its tax free.

By candlelight every country wench is handsome - especially at the motel 6 after 19 beers.

Even the devil was an angel in the beginning - At least now he's employed at the IRS.

Every family has at least one black sheep - And he's the liberal Guilty men see guilt written on the faces of saints - and other politicians.

Gross negligence is equal to intentional wrong - And 12 million dollars.

He who hears forgets, he who sees remembers, he who does learns. - And he who votes has a voice.

Marry a handsome man and you marry trouble - unless he has 'found himself'.

Put your trust not in money but your money in trust - preferably a charitable tax free trust managed by a well known accounting firm whose audit came back clean.

Rich get richer and poor get children - and welfare social security disability checks on the 3rd of each month.

The ugliest girl makes the best housewife - just don't tell her, or she'll have half your money and you'll pay her child support for 21 years.

There are three kinds of lies: Lies, damned lies And statistics - and health care reform.

Wedlock is a padlock - unless there's a prenuptial agreement When angry count to ten before you speak, if very angry a hundred - if your about to have a total fit, walk away, go to Starbucks, and have a nonfat latte and a bran muffin.

Murphy's Law and the Right to Expound

2009-03-12T16:50:00Z

Who the hell is Murphy and why did we give him the right to do this to us?

I quote the following from a website dedicated to the origin of Murphy's law and furthermore an excerpt in an article found in "The Desert Wings":

March 3, 1978

Murphy's Law "If anything can go wrong, it will" was born at Edwards Air Force Base in 1949 at North Base. It was named after Capt. Edward A. Murphy, an engineer working on Air Force Project MX981, a project designed to see how much sudden deceleration a person can stand in a crash.

One day, after finding that a transducer was wired wrong, he cursed the technician responsible and said, "If there is any way to do it wrong, he'll find it."

The contractor's project manager kept a list of "laws" and added this one, which he called Murphy's Law, hence: "if anything can go wrong it will"

Now, granted that applies to many situations, why should we allow an engineer to take credit for everything. That's too easy.

On that note, I have come up with things that happen in our daily lives that should have a law.

Pertaining to the body, in other words the most personal of all:

When not at home the emergency need to find a bathroom is directly proportionate to the time it takes to find one, and the lack of interest the driver has to understand your dilemma.

The moment your body has a need to pass gas is relative to how many people are around you.

A guys willingness to pass gas around their new girlfriend is directly related to how many times they have been seen naked and half awake.

The Internet, the most technical of all and the most frustrating of course, again:

Your attraction to a person on a dating site is proportionate to their lack of interest in you.

The amount of excitement you have about a new network marketing program is directly related to how much money you will lose proving it is a sad waste of your time.

The faster you need a website to load on your computer is exactly how slow it will load while your computer sounds like its chopping carrots.

The number of viruses you have collected on your computer correlates to how many anti-virus programs you have running on your computer that find nothing.

Laws of children, the most delicate and of course the most frustrating:

Your desire to successfully engage in sexual intercourse is directly proportionate to the amount of time it takes your child to knock on your bedroom door asking for a three speed fork.

The serenity of your sleep is directly related to the decibel volume of your crying infant.

Your success in arguing with your five year old child is directly opposite of your skill in arguing with your congressman.

Laws of technology

The more buttons, dial, switches the new gadget has is directly opposite of your ability to understand the directions that come with it.

The more frustrated you get when installing your gadget is proportionate to how pushy and impatient your spouse becomes and decreases the odds of having sex that day.

No matter what the gadget is, there is always someone close by that can fix, repair, or tweak the item and tells you so.

On relationships

The lack of understanding your spouse is directly related to their initiative to do something nice for you.

The intensity of your sexual desire is directly related to the timing of your spouse being sick.

There, I feel much better now.

Well, Maybe I AM turning into my Father

2009-03-11T01:13:00Z

I work some fairly serious hours on Keen as of late. So every few weeks I like to stretch my legs, maybe bowl a few games with some friends, go grab a game of pool with a buddy or go see a movie. Well today turned out to be movie day. My girlfriend and I decided between two movies, the Watchmen and Coraline. Well folks, between you and me, I'm not much of a Tim Burton's claymation fan, its just not me. Some of it is cute, but I'm more of a human actor type scene.

So there we were, the lights went down, the movie started, first fifteen minutes, good stuff. The movie was set in 1985 era time-line, so typical stuff you saw back then, even a few old school rotary phones, (although I had my rotary phone replaced back then don't know about you).

Now I'm not going to spoil it for ya, so don't worry about it.I wont even go into specific plot details, BUT.... this is obviously from a comic book, everyone knows that. It involves the Watchmen FROM the comic book.....keeping up so far?..ok good....

One minute, your dealing with great cinematography, and then next minutes someone's guts are flying east,and then the next minutes you see a naked man...and Idon't mean stare at his athletic legs naked either....I look over at my girlfriend and ask: Do they serve drinks with this movie? I think I'd like a martini? holy breezy butts batman....

Overall, it is a great movie for story, the time-lines in the movie are very busy, so don't get up to go to the bathroom, because at that point, you might as well wait until you can rent it, and then turn off your phone.

BUT, it is NOT for grandma or grandpa, and it is NOT for little Joey, unless Joey is 15.

The movie is bold, in your face, great visuals, fantastic photography, but it is NOT for the faint of heart, and I'm not a movie pansy, but wow, hold onto your seat.

Good movie, but bring your popcorn, you'll need it.

Zach

Depth Retrospect and Opinion

2009-03-09T03:42:00Z

A friend mentioned earlier how I should blog more often. It's possible that some people while passing by might get something from it, I know I do by writing it but sometimes you just let thoughts and ideas build up in your head like boxes in a warehouse all pushing them to the back wall, so I thought I'd throw up few on front.

If you ever want to really get to know someone, I mean really get to know someone, watch what they do, don't ignore what they say, take that with a grain of salt. Today, peoples words are less value, too much stray emotions and self permissions and empowerment going around; oh no, watch what they do, it will always always be the most effective way to make sure they are being honest with you.

Anyone that tells you their going to do something; when it comes to anger, force negativity or threats; trust me, that's the last thing their going to do. So you can relax; it's the quiet one who say nothing and watches your eyes. Him! you have to watch, because he's ready.

The most powerful thing you can do in the middle of a heated argument is shutup.

If you are completely unsure of what to do in any situation, just don't do anything until you are. Trust me, it will be a lot better than doing the wrong and having to undue damage to do it right the second time. Just stop, and think, nothing more.

You gut and intuition is your one source of protection from danger, it is never wrong, so don't ever question it. If you feel danger, listen and follow your gut, it will save your life, it did mine. Remember, the smell of fear around you tastes like bitter salt on your tongue, don't ever forget that.

The most beautiful thing I've done this year was ask permission to unpack the groceries for an eighty year old woman in a store while her sixty year old daughter looked on in embarrassment. I have not felt so empowered and proud of being who I am than that few minutes, while she praised me and called me an angel and promised me she would pray for me. I want to do that every chance I get, I have not found a moment in my life recently more wonderful.

I have found that I am more fortunate than I realize and I should remember that so that I can be humbled to the fact that there people in my country that have far less, and people around the world that won't wake up tomorrow because they never got enough to food to sustain their body. If you can read this, so are you, it is your choice as to how you choose to feel about these facts.

If I question every action I am about to partake, I will not have the opportunity to fail and then learn something, or to succeed and empower myself to do it again upon learning how I was successful. I will choose to act more quickly based on my knowledge and skill rather than question the act prior to the outcome of action.

That should do it for now.

My official assistant Merlin the Siamese Savant

2007-07-23T19:38:00Z

For the last several months, some of you that call me have noticed that during our conversations you will perdiodically hear a "MEOW" in the background.

Depending on how hungry Merlin is what determines the volume in which he meows. This is due to the fact that if he can actually see the botom of his food bowl regardless of the time of day and having nothing to do with whether or not he ate earlier that day he officially freaks out and tries to crawl in my lap even if I am standing up.

For those of you that have cats, and more specifically for those of you that have a Siamese, know exactly what I am reffering to. It is not important to Merlin whether or not I am on the phone with a good client or the president of the United States. It only matters to him that he can see the bottom of his food bowl and life as we know it in his spoiled existence will end as he knows it unless daddy rectifies this problem.

Some people who are not animal lovers will argue with the point that cats & dogs cannot actually understand what we say. For those of us that ARE animal lovers will have a far more biased answer to say that they can indeed comprehend what we say.

For Merlin & I in the evening when everyone else is asleep the vocabulary is simple: No, Not Now, & GO suffice. But those verbal commands last about 45 seconds, so I have decided to solve this dilemma with two cans of Pounce cat treats, four cans of Fancy Feast, a can of gourmet tuna from the fresh market & catnip.

If this fails, I will probably put him in the cabinet with his food and call it a day.

We can only hope that I don't have to resort to that as he is determined to be the fattest cat in the universe, and I'd rather not hear from my other half about how I spoil him when she goes to sleep.

No really, I don't.

I just feel that 135 meows an hour is a bit much if I am in the midst of a productive call with a client, unless of course Merlin has some important information for my clients.

I highly doubt that unless some of you speak Feline.

So, the next time we're on the phone and you hear Merlin meowing...you can just ask that famous question from the commercials long ago with a slight twist:

"Got Pounce?"

Zach

Daily Nickel Day two

2007-03-29T03:42:00Z

I've always pondered at the end of another day, always the same four main topics that I address with all of my clients: Love & intimacy and the pursuit of it, Lust in its rarest forms as they experience it, and furthermore the sudden loss of it after a few weeks, money and the pursuit of bettering their lives, and trust in its many forms in their life or lack of it more often than not.

I'm always asked, how do I continue day in and day out answering the same or similiar battery of questions each day. My answer is simple; progression of every day with anyone is always new. So even if they have the same topic to discuss, it has always changed in a unique way.

The same reason I don't take notes, that way each call that comes through I get a fresh read on the situation, and most of my clients appreciate that. I always say "life happens when your making other plans".

One thing I have noticed with alot of my clients is they are truly becoming intolerant of poor behavior in their relationships and truly starting to come out of their shell and standing up for what they want. Anymore do I hear them say "I am afraid", because it would seem that the quality of life has become for many of them more important than their patience to put up with behaviors from those in their life.

It is this change that I se in my clientele that inspires me to continue each day and treat each call with a refined sense of acomplishment.

I would write more, but it is the end of my day, and tommorow rushes in quick.

I will try to write more earlier in the day.

Zach

Day one of the Daily Nickel.

2007-03-27T18:26:00Z

So here we are. Keen has finally entered the world of blogging.

I remember the first time in the early nineties when the "dot bomb" took hold of the stock market when traders and brokers alike were jumping out of twenty story windows in chicago, you could find "online threads" where middle level managers of Smith Barney and Bank Swisse were posting "emotional management" inspirations for their clients and their employees alike to calm them after the storm.

The political arena strangely enough was one of the last to take hold, where lobbyists would post biased tirades at the powerbrokers in washington to engage a knee jerk reaction for their pork belly plunderings.

So now the psychic world has its own voice.......well......this should be interesting.

For any of you that do read my "Daily Nickel", whether you are an advisor, or a client I will be posting several threads today and probably a few each day for several days, but I do stay extremely busy above and beyond my work here on Keen, so it may end up being one thread per day, but there will always be a tidbit or two from me for good reading so stay tuned.

As with any new application implemented in an online business enviroment, there are always upgrades, tech support issues and overall management growing pains. Keen has successfully managed time and time again to make those changes, and keep the errors at a minimum, so if you see an error anywhere on the blogging section of Keen, it is likely even before you experience a problem, Keen is either aware internally or through contact with advisors and clients alike that the problem exists and a solution is en route.

I've been working with Keen since the late nineties, trust me the few problems you see here are nothing......I've been taking calls even before the "call button" and Keenmail were invented.

In other words, I had to mail in my paperwork to Keen to sign up....

But that was the old days....now we can call customer service and they SO love us to call don't they?

Just remember..if you do call customer service and get Jennifer on the phone, be nice, she's my favorite CSR......or I won't send you free minutes.....:)

Off and running now.......

Zach