Brigid Bishop on Life, Love and The Art of Living

Have You Any Stalking Tendencies? Can't Let Go? Take This Test To See....

Brigid Bishop — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 07:49:00 GMT

Are You a Stalker?

We get interested in men, we get frustrated, at times, by men, we get hurt by men, we fall in love with men, and we break up and make up with men. In the complicated world of relationships we ride the rollercoaster of masculine and feminine energy and we, at times, fall prey to our weaker instincts and do things that we normally would not do as rational, adult women.

Answer these questions honestly, yes or no.

Results will be given at the bottom of this little quiz to see if you have ever been a “stalker”, or are having a hard time letting go of a person.

1. You have blocked your number and dialed a man’s phone number and immediately hung up, just to hear his voice and get a “rush”. (You may have then spent hours or days analyzing his tone of voice and/or the background noises present during that split second call).

2. You have logged onto match or myspace under a pseudo name just to check his profile and any activity on his account.

3. You have gone out of your way to do “drive-by’s” past his work, his home, and his haunts just to see if there have been any changes in his movements or habits.

4. You know his movements and habits so well that if he is not at any of the places listed in Item 3, above, you panic when he is not within his normal routine.

5. You have accessed his cell phone account and looked up every number he has called through the web and those that you could not identify, you rang, as in Item 1 above.

6. You have actually spent time trying to crack his password on his email, voicemail, myspace or match account.

7. You show up at his “usual” haunts trying to behave as if you would be there “anyway”, but you know, in reality, you are only there in the hopes of bumping into him and creating an interaction that would not otherwise occur.

8. You have run a “background” check on him through the web to try to pin down any information about him that you may not have already gathered, and you paid good money for it.

9. You pump any mutual friends or acquaintances that you have for information, in what you believe is a seemingly “casual” way, and subsequently follow up on any “leads” you may get as to his current activity.

10. You have conducted your own “stake-out” of his home, work place, or favorite haunts.

Here are your scores

If you answered yes to question 1, you are not alone. This is a common practice among American Women of all ages, and can easily be explained away as a Freudian Slip, or an accidental dial. Repeatedly indulging in question one behavior, however, can indicate a problem.

If you answered yes to question 2, you’re still in the realm of the average curiosity level of the American Female, although the information you gain by doing so may only serve to hurt your feelings.

If you answered yes to number 3, you are starting to get a little bit higher onto the Stalker Scale of possessiveness, and plotting his movements in this manner is wasting your time and feeding your obsession. You really should go out of your way to not drive by these locations.

A combination of items one, two and three is beginning to put you into stalker mode, and you really should try to stop.

If you answered yes to number 4, you are climbing the Stalker Scale and hurting yourself more than anyone. Stop here. The only thing that will happen with this knowledge is that you will hurt yourself.

If you answered yes to number 5, you are well on your way to topping out on the Stalker Scale. You are invading his privacy and could well face criminal charges if you get caught. Stop immediately. Let go.

If you answered yes to number 6, you are on a path to self-destruction, and if caught, again, you could face criminal charges and public humiliation. Please stop.

If you answered yes to number 7, you are in “chase” mode with this man, and the only thing that your presence and persistence will do is make the man react by pulling farther away. It is true that absence makes the heart grow fonder. Putting yourself squarely in his path at every opportunity is NOT going to make him realize that he misses you and that he wants more with you. Your elusiveness will do more to fan his flames of desire more than anything else.

Answering yes to number 8 is pure stalking, you are not going to find any sense of relief or gratification in the information that you find. Let go.

If you answered yes to number 9, you are being blatantly obvious, and again, you are in chase mode.

Answering yes to number 10 indicates that you are at risk of having a restraining order placed against you, if the male in question is so inclined, and you are running the risk of discovery.

Count up your answers to the positive. On a scale of one to ten, the higher your score, the more obsessive your behavior. Love can lead to madness, but there is no need to torture yourself and risk criminal charges over a male whose behavior drives you to such lengths.

If you score a zero, you a very healthy and secure woman, and probably had no interest in even reading this blog.

If you score one to three, you are exhibiting insecurity on a level that is about average when a relationship is not progressing as you would like.

If you score three to six, you are beginning to exhibit signs of obsession and should really examine this relationship and how it is hurting you, not adding to your life, but reducing the quality of your life.

If you score above six, you are in danger of losing yourself and your self-esteem by placing your focus on an outside source for gratification and you need to begin to look inside. You are also in danger of having criminal charges placed against you should the person you are doing this too feel that you have violated their privacy in this manner.

Rather than spending time and energy in these ill-fated pursuits, try moving forward and living the life that you have always imagined yourself living. Pick up a new hobby, pick up a new man, redefine yourself, change your style, focus on yourself and not this person on the outside who is being so inattentive as to cause you to behave a bit irrationally.

Here are some other articles that you may find of interest in the meantime:

Doing The Relationship Limbo?

Be Careful What You Wish For!

Relationships From All Angles, The Geometry of Relationships

He Chased Me 'Til I Caught Him

Understanding Past Life Connections and Memories

Gone With the Wind, A Classic Soulmate Story

Cold Mountain, An Adventure In Scrying

Should I Stay or Should I Go Now?

Calculating Soul Mate (Soulmate) Connections With Astrology

Soulmates Return

(Poetry)

What Is A Spell? Magick is NOT Magic!

Relationship Autopsy

Where Did The Devil Come From?

The Meaning of the Pentacle

Masculine Energy Females, The Dating Game Continues

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Need Help Letting Go?

In my absence, if you are in need of an Advisor, and unable to arrange a call, please try one of the well-qualified Advisors in my group of personally recommended Readers to ensure that you continue to receive quality advice:

Brigid Bishop Recommends.

I Want It All, And I Want It Now!

Brigid Bishop — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 22:24:00 GMT

I Want It All, And I Want It Now!

Great Song by Queen! One of my favorite bands, by the way.

I certainly understand the sentiment behind the song, and it is perfectly fine to want it all and want it now, but, my dearest, sometimes Patience truly is a Virtue.

I have had many, many clients over the years, with situations at varying degrees of difficulty, and we have worked through them successfully together. There were times when a learning curve may have slowed or delayed progress, but we got through the toughest times with a high degree of success.

The learning curve seems to always come with my clients when it comes to communication. Many do not and will not simply wait out a situation to allow it to change. As discussed in my multiple blogs on Masculine and Feminine Energy, it seems that a large percentage of female clients cannot self-discipline themselves to the feminine (passive) energy when it comes to communication.

Despite our work together, they decide not to follow the advice of the cards, and the natural balance between Masculine and Feminine Energy, and they initiate contact with the object of their desires first (masculine energy). All is not lost, however, any progress that was made during their self-imposed silence has now been erased and has lost any and all effectiveness in allowing the male to feel their absence and grow uncomfortable. Now the male does not have a motivating factor (discomfort) to produce any change in his behavior.

By initiating contact the female has now condoned whatever his unacceptable behavior was and basically trained him that it is okay to treat her like this (inattentively).

So although the woman now has the immediate gratification of having communication and contact with the object of her desires, she has now, inadvertently, taken a few steps backwards into establishing her feminine energy and has most likely delayed any significant change in the males’ behavior.

Why? Because now, you have reassured the male in question that yes, indeed, you are still actively interested in him. So why change his behavior? If he doesn’t feel like calling you for another week or two, you don’t mind, you just trained him that you will reach out to him if he doesn’t reach out to you, you will do all the “work”, and if he feels like being accessible to you he will, if he doesn’t, he won’t. You have taught him that your feelings don’t matter, you don’t warrant his attention because on the peripheral, you will still be there. He has absolutely no fear (motivation) that your attention will wander, after all, it’s been two weeks since he called you and here you are ringing him up telling him that you miss him!! He knows he has you, has no fear that you will go away, so why would he change?

Now, you’ve made the contact, expressed your feelings, he was glad to hear from you, the phone call has ended, and guess what? He goes silent again.

You have, in effect, told him in no uncertain terms that he can go about his busy life and when he has the time or the need for your companionship, you’ll still be over here in limbo waiting…no worries for him.

The need for immediate emotional gratification is the same need that throws the timing of most relationships off when you succumb to it.

What is immediate emotional gratification?

It is infantile in nature. Immediate gratification is the “immediate” fulfilling of a need, as in when an infant cries because they are hungry and the mother rushes to feed the child. This is good, this is responsible motherhood and necessary to build a sense of security within any newborn child.

We are not babies, sorry to say. We are grown men and women and we should be able to discipline ourselves to reap the benefits of delayed gratification.

What is delayed gratification?

Delayed gratification is being able to wait to have your needs fulfilled at a more permanent and stable level, for example, the student who wants to become an attorney and works through four years of college and then attends law school and delays the “gratification” of going out and working full time in order to buy the nice car they have their eye on. The goal is not to have a nice car at the age of 22, but to have a good career and an even nicer car (and overall lifestyle) at the age of 25 or 26 or so. Delayed gratification is a sign of mature and responsible adulthood.

How do these two differing types of gratification work into the Geometry of Relationships?

Ok, immediate gratification leads you to make those phone calls to the object of your desire and having that immediate relief that the contact may bring. It feels good, your needs are satisfied, your thirst for his voice is quenched, for now. As discussed above, you are now most likely going to go back into the waiting mode and either reach for immediate gratification again or suffer it out and wait for the delayed gratification.

With the delayed gratification approach you will suffer now, in the immediate, you will be uncomfortable, you will be wondering why he doesn’t reach out, but you do not reach out to him, you wait it out. As discussed in multiple other blogs found under my category “Brigid Bishop, Relationship Coach”, you busy yourself with other matters, other dates, and you do not reach out at all. It is not easy and it takes self-discipline, but it can be done.

Your absence and the absence of your energy will draw him out if he truly does care, and if he does not, if it is over, your life will not be empty while you wait it out, you will have other people to socialize with and other males to investigate relationship opportunities with in the interim. It is possible that you will even find a male who is a better match for you than the original object of your affections.

If you can abstain and wait for the delayed gratification, the male in question will be reaching out to you because you have allowed him the time to miss you, to realize that he misses you, and your prolonged absence will also have him change his behavior toward you as he will be well aware that you will not be sitting on a shelf waiting for him to rescue you from limbo.

Which would you prefer?

The instant rush of the immediate gratification (satisfying an infantile need) and the continuing Relationship Limbo or the short-term (it could be months, but short-term in the big picture) discomfort and the delayed, and long lasting gratification that effects change in your relationship dynamic? (Satisfaction at a mature adult level).

The choice is up to you, but in my extensive experience in working with clients in these types of situations, the latter is preferable as it is permanent change for the better and not just fleeting happiness.

This content may not be copied or reproduced in any way without the express written permission of the author. You are welcome to link to or bookmark this page, but please contact the author via Keen Mail if you wish to reproduce this article in whole or in part.

On The Outside Looking In

Speak to Brigid Bishop Live

*Reposted at the request of Alicia! 7/23/08*

This is for you my dear friend!

How Speeding Things Up Can Slow Things Down

Brigid Bishop — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 21:56:00 GMT

How Speeding Things Up Can Slow Things Down

I have written extensive blogs on relationships and the dynamics that are common throughout them, and, quite frankly, have taken a bit of a break on my relationship writings. So unless you are clicking specifically on Brigid Bishop’s Blog and reading through it, you may not have had a chance to read them if you are relatively new to Keen, or if you just check the main blog page and scroll down through that day’s posts.

So, again, as in my blog, “I Want It All, and I Want It Now!”, I’d like to discuss how a woman taking action to “speed up” their relationships actually slows things down in the big picture.

There are days when I am inundated with calls from clients who are in a relationship situation where they are “on a break” with the man that they care for.

This is not uncommon.

Frequently, relationships need to have periods where there is a clean break in order for the male in question to experience life without you in order to truly appreciate life WITH you.

Sometimes it’s not even on a break, so to speak, but it’s initiating contact, and the female can’t wait for him to initiate, so she does it herself. There are many blogs written by me on this subject under the category link on my blog, Brigid Bishop, Relationship Coach. When you have time you may want to peruse them to gain some insight into these behaviors inside of your own relationships.

So, for the purpose of this particular blog, let’s talk about the “Break” situation.

For some reason, including but not limited to any of the following reasons; “I don’t have time for a relationship right now”, “I am not ready for a relationship right now”, “Let’s keep it as friends”, “I have to focus on career, school, my kids, my divorce, etc.”, the man in your life has called it off. Perhaps you were the one to call it off because your needs were not being met, but now, you want the relationship back.

It hurts.

You love him.

You feel abandoned.

You feel a sense of internal panic without the consistency of him in your life.

You cry.

You want him to change his mind and come back.

You aren’t sure what to do.

You call an advisor for some insight and some advice or reassurance. You want to see if the Tarot Cards can clue you in as to what is going on inside him and as to what he will likely do about your relationship in the future.

You are not alone.

You need to talk to someone and get a handle on the situation.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with experiencing this. You are a caring, feeling human being, and the feelings you are experiencing right now are unpleasant to say the least, and they are also very distracting, making it hard for you to focus on other areas of your life.

So, you get a reading and you are going to get an answer in one of two directions, either (a) the gentleman in question is not coming back and the break is going to be a permanent one, or (b) he is going to realize that he misses you and get in touch with his feelings for you and return.

If your answer is (a), it hurts, but hearing it from an experienced and compassionate advisor may help you to let go, heal, and subsequently move on.

If your answer is (b), you feel a bit better, but, in 9 out of 10 cases, your next question will be “When?”.

This is usually where the female querent gets a bit frustrated. Timing with the Tarot is exceptionally difficult.

Unless the woman is the one who broke the relationship and did something hurtful, it is usually best to allow the male to work through his feelings and allow him to initiate the contact leading toward reconciliation.

Why?

It’s usually best because this way, when he returns, he returns without any doubt of what he wants, he has made the decision himself and he is likely to be more committed upon his return than he ever was before.

So, what happens if the female tries to speed things up?

Well, in varying degrees she may be unsuccessful and push him farther away, delaying reconnecting or disallowing it all together if she is too intense in her pursuit, or, she can actually cause the reconnection to occur sooner.

If she is successful, the problem is, the success is generally short-lived or temporary.

When a break occurs, it occurs for a reason. If you do not allow the male to work through whatever his issues or doubts were in his own time, they will resurface and you are highly likely to experience the break cycle again, often more severe, and possibly permanently.

His return happens because you pushed for it, not because he chose to return on his own.

Now he knows that he can break up with you and not truly sacrifice his relationship with you because you will be there for him the next time he gets ants in his pants.

You may get the “immediate gratification” of putting things back together, but your foundation is not solid, it is built on your actions, not his. He is back, but now he knows that he’s not risking losing you if he leaves again because you have taught him that you will chase him if he does.

Now, in the event that you do wait it out, it may take weeks or even months longer to reconcile, however, when he does come back to you of his own free will, without your pushing and pulling him to you, he will most likely be more committed to you because he did lose you and you were gone, and you put the “work” in his lap. He will realize how close he came to losing you permanently, and allowing him to work through whatever feelings of ambivalence about your connection he had has allowed him to truly commit to you and the relationship. He will be unlikely to leave again.

Waiting out this process is very difficult for many of us of the feminine persuasion.

We want our man back in our life and worry and pine over them during these breaks. This is normal when you care about someone, but it is in the best interest of the relationship overall if you can just communicate to him very simply “I wish things were different, but I understand your decision, take care”, and let go.

Many of us feel incapable of doing so, we want it, and we want it now, so we don’t follow this advice and we contact them and we pour our hearts out, and we may very well get them back, but we get them back on their terms, not ours, frequently with even less of a commitment than we had before. We then become so afraid of losing them again that we tolerate poor behavior, missed phone calls, lack of attention to our needs and postponements for dates, etc.

We may feel that rush of accomplishment at having “won him back” initially, but it is usually quickly followed by frustration and perhaps even more phone calls to an advisor asking questions such as “when will he call, when will he commit”, while, if we had just let him work through his feelings and let go when we had the chance we would have gotten a strong return from him with consistency in communications and a deeper level of commitment to our relationship.

So, if you are finding yourself on a break and wondering what you should do, if you are not the one who did the “breaking”, do nothing. Let him work through his feelings. Move forward. Socialize, date others, let him know you wish that things were different before you do move on without him, but move forward just the same. It is difficult, but you will find that if you are not focused on his return you will feel better and you will also find that he will miss you more in the absence of your energy and he will return more quickly and with a renewed sense of value for you and your relationship.

If you push for a premature reconnection and you successfully achieve it, you must be aware that within six to eight weeks or sooner you are likely to be repeating a pattern of his pulling away or breaking off with you.

So, immediate gratification or long-term satisfaction, is it worth the wait to you?

Speak to Brigid Bishop Live

Are You Being Lied To?

Brigid Bishop — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 04:57:00 GMT

How Can You Tell If You Are Being Lied To?

Are You Being Lied To?

There are many ways to tell if someone is being dishonest with you and I am going to give you just a few tips that should help you separate out fact from fiction.

Eye Contact

There are two distinct traits used by someone who is trying to deceive you when it comes to maintaining eye contact. One is to avert the eyes away from yours, perhaps they focus on your mouth when they speak rather than your eyes, or they drop their eyes to the left or the right, this is a signal that they are not confident in their ploy and that they may be afraid of discovery. If they are looking up and away to the left or the right they are visualizing their story as they create it.

The second trait is entirely the opposite, they go out of their way to maintain eye contact, the eyes are opened up just a little bit too wide, and they don’t blink. This is a tactic used by one who is used to being believed when being deceitful and they are the “more practiced” liars among us. They believe the old adage that people do not look each other in the eye when being deceitful so they go out of their way to maintain the contact, because they are concentrating so hard on keeping the eye contact with you, they forget to blink!

Too Many Details

Everyone has events happen that may delay them or keep them away from time to time, but a classic tactic of the liar is to fill in so many details that you will be astounded by the richness of their story, after all, who would take the time to fabricate the color of the shirt their buddy was wearing and how he had a mustard stain on it???? It’s fabricating an alibi……….the more details, the more believable, so why would you double check? Usually these “details” are fragments based on fact, but if you get a six paragraph, detailed explanation of an event, something is up, (or covered up).

Outrageous Stories

Prevaricators tend to hold to the premise that the more outrageous the story, the more likely it is to be true! After all, if a loose alligator in the state of Ohio showed up on their lawn, then traveled around the property snapping phone and power lines with its’ mighty jaws, and then coming to rest on the front porch blocking the only exit route, how on earth could they have called you when they said they would? They were trapped in their own home for God’s sake!!! Didn’t you see it on the local news??

Righteous Silence

OOOOOOH, this one is hard to spot, you must be very careful just in case it is a “righteous silence”, typically this is used early on in a relationship before any lies have been “caught”. When you question your subject, they take the stance of “I’m not even going to qualify that with a response”. Righteous silence lies are very difficult to root out, as, perhaps the subject truly was honest, but if the hints above preceded the righteous silence, well, then, you know that it is an act to manipulate you into believing their story. You usually find out that righteous silence lies were fabricated long after the lie is told because of the high risk of negative confrontation if the subject is actually being truthful. Keep your eyes open for this behavior, if it happens every single time you have an innocent question, the person who is being this self-defensive could well be telling you fibs.

Having a Bad Day? Just Start Over!!!

Brigid Bishop — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 00:20:00 GMT

I've had two very, very bad days in a row. Everyone goes through cycles where things just don't go right for them.

Yesterday, my DH had a mishap with my Boxer Girls and (although they are just fine), they gave him the slip and came dangerously close to being injured by a moving vehicle. My heart was in my throat as I watched in horror from my office window as they darted out into the street, from the back of our Envoy and a car came speeding around the corner toward them. Truly, the Grace of God kept them from getting hurt. DH learned a little lesson there about why I do things the way that I do..........he was just as upset as I was.

It took me about twelve hours to calm down, didn't sleep well, and then, well, then TODAY happened.

I use a cable internet phone system to work with Keen, have been successfully doing so for over eleven months, and guess what? Today, for no apparent rhyme or reason, it just stopped working. Spent numerous hours disconnecting, reconnecting, contacting CS at both Keen and my phone provider, but to no avail, so I apologize to all of my loyal clients who had problems connecting with me today.......it was just a bad day.

So what do I do when I have a bad day? Or two?

I start over.

It is 5:25 p.m. EST, and I am going to go take a long, hot shower to wash away the stress, lavendar sounds nice for it's calming and cleansing energy. I am then going to approach my "work day" as if I have had absolutely no stressors whatsoever. I will have dinner, and return to work tonight as if I had no problems at all today.........

I'm taking a "DO OVER" and resetting my own personal universe...lol.

So, I will be available tonight for your calls and callbacks until approximately 1 a.m. EST. Hope you are having a better day than I did! :)

Please browse my blog for articles of interest, many clients find the category "Brigid Bishop, Relationship Coach" of use. Thank you!

Are You The “Other Woman”?

Brigid Bishop — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 21:35:00 GMT

Are You The “Other Woman”?

There are two sides to every story, and sometimes there may actually be three or four.

When we involve ourselves in an affair with someone who is already committed elsewhere, i.e. has a steady girlfriend (or boyfriend), lives with someone, or is married, we are involving ourselves in an emotionally risky business.

Someone is going to be hurt.

That’s a cold hard fact.

It is the rare situation indeed where one partner is cheating and either the original partner or the outside partner does not get hurt.

I have written many blogs on the subject of Why People Cheat and the reasons are as varied as there are grains of salt in the ocean, the cold hard facts are, it happens. Many times it happens when we least expect it.

Do people go out and think, “Gee, I’m going to go out tonight and find myself a married person to fall in love with?” No. Attraction, destiny, life circumstances, soul connections, physical desire, dissatisfaction, they are all ingredients in the recipe for an affair.

If you are the “Other Woman”, (or man), in a Relationship Triangle, this blog is being written for you to try to help you gain some insight into your situation. If you are an injured party in an adulterous affair, please bypass this blog, as it may anger or upset you and you really should read no further. I will have written blogs, such as, Surviving an Affair to help you address the aftermaths of an affair. (Yes, I have been cheated on before, but I try to look at things from all angles, so please, I am not condoning affairs, just analyzing and working with them for my clients who are experiencing this side of the mountain right now.)

First of all, you need to know what the limitations of your current situation are. Yes, someday he may leave his wife, but you can’t live in the future, you live in the NOW, so you must focus on the now. If he is not married, but living with a woman, (or man), it is nearly as complicated as if he were married, so this will apply to you as well. If he is not yet engaged and it is just a girlfriend/boyfriend situation, there is no reason for him not to be out of the other relationship already, and you need to know if it is not a serious commitment to the other partner at this time, and he (or she) is seeing both of you, your lover is unlikely to end that other relationship to be solely with you.

If he is married and seeing you, you need to realize that your plans are always going to be subject to last minute changes. Last minute cancellations are just as prominent as last minute get-togethers.

You will also be spending most, if not all, major holidays alone, while he is enjoying the company of his family, including his spouse.

You will not be able to openly share your relationship with the public, discretion will be a necessity, and so therefore, you will never get to know his parents, siblings, his children or his circle of friends. (Unless he does divorce in the future).

You will be living in the shadows.

The married man who is dating another woman may be a man who never has any intention of leaving his marriage, or he could be ready to leave and for any one of a thousand reasons, the timing may not yet be right for him.

The question you must ask yourself is, what kind of a relationship do you really want?

Do you want to suffer through the uncertainty, possibly years, of wondering if he is ever going to get divorced? Has he ever even mentioned the “D” word to you?

Do you want a man that can take you out in public and share 100% of his life with you, or are you satisfied with 50% or less?

Are you prepared for the backlash that is likely to occur if your affair is ever discovered by his wife and children? It is not likely to be pleasant.

If your bond to him is so strong that you feel that you are ready and willing to deal with this uncomfortable situation, then here are some ways to cope.

Always be aware that no matter how firmly he promises to follow through on any plans that he makes with you, that “The Wife” card will always trump you. Always remind yourself as you anticipate a weekend getaway that yes, it can be postponed, yet again. If you keep your expectations low, you will not be devastated at last minute cancellations.

Try not to be ready to see him at the drop of a hat. He will find himself unexpectedly free and available at times, and will contact you wanting to see you desperately as he has some unexpected free time, you will be very tempted to take advantage of each and every opportunity to see him, but if you are wise, you will not allow this to occur as it teaches him that he is your priority, though you are not his.

Remember, he is romancing you against your better judgment, so these types of affairs can be extremely romantic and dramatic, grand gestures and excessive professions of love are not unusual, he has to convince you that although he is committed elsewhere he is worth your time. Take everything he says with a grain of salt. Married men who have girlfriends lie. This is a cold hard fact. If he did not lie, he would not be dating you and he would not be cheating on his wife. If he is lying to his wife, don’t think for a second that he isn’t lying to you.

One of the biggest lies that married men who cheat tell, is that they don’t sleep with their wives anymore, many of them will even claim to having separate bedrooms, don’t believe it, they all say that. If he is still married to her he is still sleeping with her and yes, they are still having sex. With that in mind, the biggest mistake “the other woman” makes is being exclusive to the married man she is dating. Until he files for a divorce, you should continue dating other single and available men. It is best if you can walk away from the married guy and say “look me up after your divorce”, but if you simply can’t, please continue to date men that are available concurrently, otherwise you will be very lonely at times.

Be careful who you share information about your affair with. People love to gossip, and a secret is only a secret when only one person knows about it. Even some of your best friends may judge you harshly for dating a married man, so be very careful about who you discuss it with.

Set a time limit for your affair.

Unless you want to be like Katherine Hepburn and spend decades as the other woman, only to have him die married to his wife, bring up the discussion of divorce early on. If he does not give you a time frame, walk away. If he says he is waiting for the kids to finish high school, seriously consider their current ages, if they are still very young, walk away. If he set a time frame and it has passed without him going into the process of divorce, walk away.

In all of this, you must consider as well, how he speaks of his current wife.

Does he refer to her respectfully and honestly state the reasons for his dissatisfaction with his marriage? If that is the case, he respects women and probably just outgrew the relationship. Does he run her down and call her names and degrade her? Well, in that case, it may make you temporarily feel good because it convinces you he’s not in love with her, but, remember, that someday you may be in her shoes and would you like him to talk about you like that? It’s disrespectful. Never trust someone that has nothing but bad things to say about their partner or their exes because someday they could be speaking of you that way.

It is a high risk situation that you are in. You could very easily have your heart broken. He may stay married forever. It does happen. You can possibly spend years on the fringes of his life loving him and hoping for change only to be disappointed in the end. It is best to avoid the situation all together if possible, but if it happens to you, you are not alone and if you need help surviving it and coping with it and trying to make your decisions you may call me, and I will help you make your decisions to the best of my ability.

The Dating Game by Brigid Bishop

On The Outside Looking In

The Newly "BED" Game

Tough Love In the Garden of Eden

Thyme In a Bottle

Why Do People Cheat?

*Reposted from June 2008 by Client Request*

David Letterman Comes Clean on National TV

Brigid Bishop — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 22:52:00 GMT

First of all, as we all well know, with celebrity comes "high risk" for sexual dalliances. Affairs are an individual choice, and based on each individual's moral compass.

I felt that Mr. Letterman's public confession was laced with humor and humility in order to preemptively diffuse a volatile situation. Coming straight out and admitting what he has done was the best way to make an ugly situation less venomous.

He may or may not lose his show, that will be up to his network executives, but consider, we did not impeach Bill Clinton for his adulterous behavior, why should a talk show host be held to a higher standard than the President of the United States?

It's hard for some people to refrain from casting judgement on a man who openly admits to having affairs with staff members, but honestly, if the affairs were mutually consensual , who really cares except for the parties involved? It is up to Mrs. Letterman to decide as to whether or not she can forgive her husband, whether or not she wishes to continue her marriage, and the public should respect that.

The paramours that Mr. Letterman cavorted with will also have a choice, as he publicly stated. They will need to choose as to whether or not they wish to share their experiences with the general public or not. Money will be flying at them with offers for interviews and books and such I am sure. Each that has had an actual experience with David Letterman will be making that choice on their own,there is nothing that Mr. Letterman can do to stop that as it is a part of their own life story, and they own it.

I personally am glad that the extortionist who wanted to steal someone else's life experience and make a fortune from it has been stopped in his tracks. Now that Mr. Letterman has "stolen his thunder" he will be viewed as little more than a stalker, a voyeur into so many other people's lives.

Affairs happen every day at every socio-economic level. Some are more interesting than others because they involve public figures and thus draw us much as moths to a flame. I am sure in the upcoming weeks the headlines will be full of "Shocking Details About David Letterman's Affairs", and he seems to be psychologically preparing for it as best he can.

I can only state that I feel that Mr. Letterman took the high road in sharing his personal humiliation with his audience, and that he did so with a sense of humor and humility, as he refers to his own "creepy" behavior.

Celebrity or not, he is only human after all.

When the One We Love Is With Someone Else

Brigid Bishop — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 07:22:00 GMT

When the One We Love Is With Someone Else

by Brigid Bishop

Nothing is more painful than being fully aware that the one we love is involved with someone else. It can manifest in many ways, we may find out that our loved one was unfaithful or we may be “on a break” and they are investigating other opportunities, or it may be conclusively over and they are moving on.

Regardless of the circumstances, it hurts and we suffer and grieve.

I always recommend that when any of us are suffering this type of emotional turmoil that we are sure to watch for signs of clinical depression and to seek professional medical help if we suspect we may be afflicted.

Now, how do we deal with it?

Well, first of all, you must examine the reality of what type of a relationship you had in the first place. Was it a friendship, an infatuation, were you just dating casually, were you boyfriend and girlfriend for a few months, were you involved for a few years?

Measure the reality of the connection.

Your emotional response should be directly proportionate to the type of connection that you had, if it is an excessively emotional response, you may need to seek professional guidance. If you had a true relationship, for six months or more, you are going to hurt like heck, and of course, the longer the relationship, the more it is going to hurt.

You examined your situation and you find that it was a true relationship of significant length and your significant other is dating someone new.

You know, without a doubt, that the man you were actively loving just a month or two ago is seeing another woman, (or insert genders as they apply to you).

It hurts. It makes you sick. It makes you angry.

Who is the first person you are usually angry at for this? Yourself? No, not usually. Your estranged partner? No, you are usually too busy missing them and feeling the pain of their absence. The new person they are seeing? Yes. That’s it. Now you’ve got it.

Our initial reaction to the new person is that they are the evilest, most scheming, most conniving, no-good interloper on the face of the earth. When we call an advisor we ask questions about her like “Is she after his money”, “Is she sexually immoral”, “Is she trying to use him”, etc., etc., etc. We are trying to identify at least one major flaw in the new entity that will reassure us that this new relationship is on shaky ground and that he can’t really have feelings for her, he must just be with her just for sex, or whatever we convince ourselves it is.

Although sometimes the above conditions may apply, it is infrequent at best. The truth is that usually and customarily our estranged partner finds the new individual to be attractive in some way, feels good around them and wants to get to know them better. It can be a temporary situation, or it can develop into something serious between them, and we frequently ask our metaphysical advisors what it looks like and we answer as honestly as possible.

Sometimes the new relationship looks like it will not bloom, that it is a transitional stage that either will lead our lost love back to us, as they realize as feelings do not develop for the new person that they still love us. Sometimes the new relationship does look like it will grow and develop. Sometimes the new relationship looks like it is just a transitional thing until our ex is fully our ex and moves on. We look for answers and we hope for the best.

REGARDLESS of what the answers we divine together are, there are several key factors that you should try to focus on in order to ease your pain and provide yourself with the best emotional and psychological viewpoint to cope with this situation.

1) Energy. Don’t waste your energy trying to make the new person the villain. The new entity may well be unaware of you, may not even know your name and is not out to hurt you specifically. The new person is just living their life and happens to have crossed the path of the same person you care for during a time when an opportunity exists for them to get involved with your ex. (This does not apply to cheating situations whereby your partner left you to be with them, we are talking about breaks without outside interference).

2) Focus. Remove your focus from your ex (and the new person). Whether or not your readings tell you that your ex is returning, you must set it in your mind that at this point in time your lover is not yours, you are two separate people living separate lives. Focus on yourself. Focus on pushing yourself to move forward no matter how difficult.

3) Break. Make it a clean break. The MOST difficult breakups are those that are not “clean”. The rubber banding back and forth during an “unclean break” is sheer torture emotionally and psychologically. They call it a break up because it is broken. Clean breaks mend faster.

4) Move. Move on, move forward. Let go. Live your life, don’t try to be a voyeur into their life.

5) Reality. Live in reality. Don’t try to create an illusion for your ex hoping that he is watching. In 99% of cases he is doing all of the above and not focused on you, so don’t waste energy sending yourself flowers or trying to make your estranged partner jealous over an imaginary new man in your life, instead, get out there and meet a few new men for real!

The worst case scenario is that he will develop a new relationship and yours will be over for good. In this event, if you have done all that you need to do, you will be well-socialized and already beginning to heal and move on.

The best case scenario is that he will have felt the absence of your energy, found that his feelings for you prevent him from forming a significant new bond with the new person and he returns wanting you back in his life. In this instance, if you have done all of the above, you will be able to make an emotionally intelligent decision about whether or not you even want him back.

If you do take him back, you need to be sure that you are able to put aside any negative feelings that may still remain, or perhaps resurface, when you think of the fact that he was with someone else during your break. This can be difficult and we will discuss this in a future blog.

All Exes Do Not Return.

All Break Ups Are Not Permanent.

Copyright © 2008 Brigid Bishop

This content may not be copied or reproduced in any way without the express written permission of the author. You are welcome to link to or bookmark this page, but please contact the author via Keen Mail if you wish to reproduce this article in whole or in part.

Meet Jillian and The Rest of My Furbabies!

What Women Want

Stop, Drop and Roll!

The Dating Game: Are You a Masculine or Feminine Energy Female? Explore Your Natural Tendencies.

Brigid Bishop — Sun, 27 Sep 2009 18:30:00 GMT

Ok, this one is for the girls, women, divas, ladies out there.........especially those who are experiencing "Relationship Issues" and looking for some insight into what is causing these issues to arise. This should prove useful to the men among our readership as well, as the male can be either a masculine or feminine Primary Energy as well, so I guess this is for just about anyone examining their relationship!

In all relationships there needs to be balance. In all relationships there are multiple energies flowing. One of the core energies in any romantic relationship is the anima/animus, the yin and yang, the masculine and feminine energies.

How do you know which energy is your Primary Energy?

First, let us examine what you want and expect from a relationship.

Do you want to feel a sense of your partner being on your side, a sense of inclusiveness, a sense of protection, a sense of your feelings being recognized and validated?

Do you want to express yourself in terms of how you feel?

Is it important to you that your feelings are being considered?

Do you tend to look at things in terms of what you "Don't Want" instead of what you "Want".

This is a very simplistic boil down to a feminine energy being.

If, on the other hand you wish primarily for your partner to respect you, leave everything up to you, if you wish to have control over your relationship, the pace it grows at, the things that you do as a couple, the social circle you frequent, and more than anything you want your partner to look at you as a competent individual and you feel it is of primary importance that your partner respects your thoughts on any given subject and trusts you to make the right choices and you look at life in terms of what you "Want" rather than what you "Don't Want", then your primary energy is that of a male energy being.

Everyone is a mixture of both.

A good tool to determine what your Natural Primary Energy is, is to examine your Natal Astrology Chart. (I can help you with that when you call if you have your time, date and city of birth).

By examining the natal placements of your Sun, Moon, Venus, Mercury and Mars, and reviewing your Rising Sign, we can get a good feel for which of these energies is primary in your outward personality.

Which are you letting show to your partner or your current interest? (Again, you Natal Astrology Chart can help us a great deal).

We can also use a basic Tarot Reading to determine what energies you and your partner are prone to, however, when utilizing the Tarot to determine the masculine/feminine energies at play, you are only going to get information on the current energies, not the natural tendencies, so the energies will be more likely to shift and change.

At the beginning of any relationship you are defining your primary energy and you are setting the tone for the life of the relationship.

If you are a Feminine Female then you want your partner to consider your feelings, so you must express yourself in terms of "I feel" and "I don't want....". The feminine energy, like the Suit of Cups in Tarot is Passive and Receptive which means, if you want your feelings validated and considered you need to take a passive and receptive approach to your relationship. Being a Feminine Female makes a Masculine Energy Male the correct "type" for you. This is the man who wants to be respected and trusted and wants you to think him capable and competent.

For instance, if it is the beginning of getting to know a guy and he fails to call you within what you think is a comfortable amount of time you DO NOT pick up the phone and call or text him (or email him). You wait it out. It is uncomfortable, but that is what you do. When the gentleman does call, your proper response as the feminine energy is something like this, "Oh, hi, I was feeling kind of disappointed when you didn't call me, I don't want to be assuming we connected if we didn't. I'm glad to hear from you. What's up?" Your role in assuming your feminine energy role is to simply and passively reject or accept his behavior. Nothing more, nothing less. By expressing how you feel you are putting your femininity out there for him to nurture.

This notifies the male that your feelings are important to you and his behavior caused you to feel a little insecure, and a masculine energy male will "step up" and validate those feelings for you, without you doing a thing more. He now knows what you don't want, and will try his best not to disappoint you again in order to gain your trust.

Now, if you are a Masculine Female and you find yourself on the waiting end of a telephone line, it is an entirely different scenario. First of all, your match is a Feminine Energy Male. These males tend to be the dreamy, creative type, not the traditional male. They frequently are artists, writers, carpenters, creators in some way. The Masculine Female wants her thoughts and opinions considered first, before her feelings, she is a "take-charge" kind of girl.

She knows what she wants and she goes after it.

The Feminine Male is the passive one. He wants his feelings validated. Although outwardly, he may be very masculine in appearance, his Primary Energy is feminine, which means, the woman is the one actively "in charge" of the relationship.

In this case, the woman should pick up the phone and give him a ring and invite him out, something like this, "I think we really should get together soon. How's Friday night for wings for you?". It's role reversal and it will work for the energies if you are both in your Natural Primary Energy roles.

Ok, so now you know you want to be the feminine energy, you feel it, and you believe that the man you are interested in is a masculine energy male. You've started out okay, but now he is not initiating.

What do you do?

Nothing.

Sorry girls, but the moment you pick up that phone and call that masculine energy guy you are delaying any kind of commitment or progress by months, possibly years.

The conundrum you inadvertently create is that now you have two masculine energies interacting, you have "effeminized" yourself. Now that man you are interested in thinks that your feelings do not need to be validated. You are now "one of the guys" and fair game to ignore your feelings and not cherish them.

Is this what you want?

If you are truly a feminine energy woman, NO, you do not.

I don't know if this makes any sense to you at all, but it boils down to the very arcane (yet true) fact that men are hunters. If they don't need to pursue you, they will simply take it for granted that you will be available to them whenever they are in the mood for your company. They will not nurture the connection along, so ladies, PATIENCE is a virtue afterall!

If you are unsure of which energy role you have assumed or if you feel that you may have "messed up" a bit, give me a call and we can take a look at where your situation is at and I can assist you in getting it "back on track".

More on this, and the different ways masculine and feminine energies communicate and view sex and life in general can be found throughout my many blogs scattered all over the internet and here on Keen under the heading "Brigid Bishop, Relationship Coach".

This content may not be copied or reproduced in any way without the express written permission of the author. You are welcome to link to or bookmark this page, but please contact Brigid Bishop via Keen Mail if you wish to reproduce this article in whole or in part.

For further insight, Read "See Dick Run"

Doing the Relationship Limbo?

Brigid Bishop — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 20:47:00 GMT

Doing the Relationship Limbo?

by Brigid Bishop

I LOVE to dance, oh Lord, how I love to dance, but I hate doing the limbo.

First of all, there is really no rhyme or reason to the damn dance, you bend over backwards trying to scrunch under a piece of bamboo, (the enemy), perhaps weighed down by a heavy drink (hehehe), and if you’re lucky you don’t fall flat on your arse!

Are you doing the Relationship Limbo?

Are you dancing alone?

Are you bending over backwards trying to get the object of your affections to reciprocate?

Every time you scrunch your butt under that bar does he lower that rotten enemy bamboo closer to the floor while he raises the bar on some unidentified expectations of you in order to ask you to Tango?

Ooooh, I love the Tango.

It is the sexiest dance around as far as I am concerned.

First of all, you can't do it alone, you need TWO!

You don't have to be a contortionist either!

The masculine energy twirling you around the dance floor, pulling you with testosterone back into his strong, muscled arms, only to spin you out to the length of your two joined arms, and pulling you back again in a rush! In passion you slide down to the floor, and then he pulls you up, lifts you up, yes! Yes! Back into his manly arms!

Wouldn’t you rather do the Relationship Tango?

I prefer it.

I had to learn how to take that stupid dance of standing in line and waiting to contort myself backwards under the bar and just leap over the enemy bamboo to the DJ and put a Tango CD in and DANCE WITH MY PARTNER!

No partner available?

No problem.

Plenty of men love to “dance”, just let them know you are available for a twirl and they will be more than happy to escort you around the dance floor. Your Tango may not be as passionate as it could be if it is not with the partner you truly desire, but you will learn to enjoy it!

Meanwhile, Mr. Limbo, can stand there all by himself with nothing in his hands but that stick!

Let’s TANGO!

The Limbo is just too uncomfortable!

Careful What You Wish For!!

On The Outside Looking In

Calls and Callbacks Until 1 a.m. EST

Use This Button to Hold Your Place In Line, Thank You!

Should I Stay Or Should I Go Now?

Brigid Bishop — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 01:19:00 GMT

Should I Stay or Should I Go Now?

Many clients call and have concerns because their relationships are not “perfect”, and some may be striving for the “next level” and frustrated with what they perceive as a lack of progress.

Perhaps they have been dating the same gentleman for 2 years and he has not yet proposed, or perhaps they are living together and he has not yet asked for marriage, or perhaps they are casually dating and he has not yet asked to be “exclusive” or defined the relationship at a level they are satisfied with, i.e. significant other.

Well, let me start by telling you that as an Advisor here on Keen.com, it would be totally unethical and unprofessional for me to tell you WHAT to do. The best counsel I can offer you is what you can expect given your current path and what changes you would need to make if you are dissatisfied with the outcome. The rest is up to you, your free will will define the course as you move forward. If you like the outcome, of course, you are going to stay on that same path working toward that goal. If you do not like the outcome, we can look at what (if anything) you can do to change that particular outcome……and work from there.

One of the primary reasons that progress slows in relationships prior to establishing the “next level” of commitment, no matter what step of the relationship ladder you are on, is the imbalance of masculine and feminine energies within a pairing. Please read my blogs on the subject matter for further information. Click here for some insight into the masculine and feminine energie of your situation: Are You a Masculine or Feminine Energy Person?

If you love the person you are with, my best advice to you is to try to rectify the relationship you are in first, to the best of your ability, prior to breaking it off and starting from scratch again. Unless you are in an abusive situation, in which case you should end it immediately, it is best to repair the cracks in your existing foundation prior to tearing the whole relationship down.

Starting over is always a bit of a setback when you are looking for a committed relationship as you have to start from ground zero all over again, shop around, test them out, it takes time, a lot of time, and you already have a certain amount of time invested in your current situation.

If you have been dating casually and you want to know how long it should take to become exclusive, the answer varies, and you have to take into consideration whether or not you have allowed physical intimacy to take place absent the “exclusivity” clause. If you have had physical relations prior to establishing your exclusiveness, you’ve got a bit of a situation on your hands as you have already communicated the message to your partner that you are willing to give of yourself in that manner without any commitment from him, it’s a tough one.

If you have been exclusive and dating for some time, how long should it take for him to propose? There is no standard answer or time frame for that question. Every individual has their own “commitment clock” and I would be remiss to answer that. The issue is, how much time are you willing to invest in a relationship prior to engagement and marriage. If you are not happy with your relationship clock, then you cannot force him to commit, the only thing you can do is tell him that you wish that things were different, but you are ready for a deeper commitment and if he is not willing to make that commitment to you, you need the freedom to find someone who is on the same time schedule as you. Then you must exit the situation.

If he really loves you, he won’t let you go for long, he may take a few months, and you may need to move on, but if he really loves you, he will come back and commit.

Should you stay or should you go?

Most people are afraid to endure the pain to effect change by risking loss, but loss can be turned into gain. You can turn your current situation around by risking loss, or you can find a new situation that does not require so much analysis when you actually do take matters into your own hands and reject situations that are unsatisfactory to you.

Visit Brigid Bishop

You May Also Enjoy: "You Are Who You Meet!"

For further insight, Read "See Dick Run"

Taking calls tonight until 1 a.m. EDT, Please use the "Arrange a Call" Feature, Thank You!

Yikes! Severe Thunderstorms and Hail!!! Availability Update for Clients of Brigid Bishop

Brigid Bishop — Wed, 29 Jul 2009 23:54:00 GMT

Weather or not you've been thinking of calling me today, (lol, pun intended), just a heads up that we are having severe thunderstorms inclusive of lightning, nickel-sized hail and heavy rain, sooooooooooo..... I will be on "Alert Me of Calls" in order to work around the weather today.

If by chance you call and I do not pick up, please enter a wait time and I will work around Mother Nature in order to take your call without unexpected interuptions!

Here are some classic blogs of mine to peruse while you are waiting to chat with me:

Are You “The Other Woman?”

Why Do People Cheat?

Surviving An Affair

Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater?

He Left His Wife, Now What?

When The One We Love Is With Someone Else

Independence, Codependence and Interdependence

The One, The Myth Exposed

Visit Brigid Bishop

If I am not available, and you cannot wait for my return,

please try the well-qualified Advisors in My Group

Brigid Bishop Recommends

To Ensure That You Continue to Receive Quality Advice.

Pet Owners Will Surely Understand This!

Brigid Bishop — Wed, 29 Jul 2009 22:01:00 GMT

I received this via email from my son and his girlfriend today, very cute and I'd like to share it! (and OH so true!)

The original Author is unkown, although I'd love to know who to give credit to!

The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.

Dear Dogs and Cats:

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that esthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is:

Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT
OUR PETS:

(1) They live here. You don't.

(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.

(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they

(1) eat less

(2) don't ask for money all the time

(3) are easier to train

(4) normally come when called

(5) never ask to drive the car

(6) don't hang out with drug-using people

(7) don't smoke or drink

(8) don't want to wear your clothes

(9) don't have to buy the latest fashions

(10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and

(11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children ...

(I, myself, particulary find #11 quite amusing! LOL!)

I AM NOT YOUR SCRUBBING BUBBLE!

Brigid Bishop — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 06:01:00 GMT

I AM NOT YOUR SCRUBBING BUBBLE!

Remember those old bathroom foam cleaning commercials with the little scrubbing bubbles calling out “We work hard so you don’t have toooooooo……” as they spun down the drain?

Think about them the next time a person in your life, be it an adult son or daughter, sister, brother, lover or husband tries to force you into the role of “enabler” in their life. Just conjure up that image in your mind, think of yourself being sucked down the drain of codependency, and say “NO”.

They might be asking you to add them to your cell phone plan, lend them money, clean their apartment for them, let them use your car, buy them groceries, forgive them for not holding to their word for the umpteenth time, or any one of the thousands of manipulative forms of assistance they seek when they are just too dysfunctional to behave like responsible adults.

Codependent relationships are not limited to substance abusers and their kin, they are real and alive in every relationship dynamic out there. There is absolutely nothing wrong with helping your loved ones, nothing at all, the question is, is your loved one doing the work required to help themselves?

Are they just a little short on cash, or have they been unemployed for a lengthy period of time, or unable to manage their cash flow or hold a job? Everyone comes up short on occasion, especially in the current economy, but some of us are scrubbing bubbles and some of us are not.

If you are working diligently every day and using your resources wisely, why should you take your hard earned cash and hand it over to the adult child who has not been gainfully employed in six months?

When you saved regularly when times were good and paid all your bills on time and your significant other played and partied and scattered his funds to the wind without setting up a reserve, why should you add him to your cell phone plan when his is shut off and increase your monthly debt?

When your husband golfed all summer and bought himself new clubs, a new bag, nice equipment and turned down overtime to do so and finds himself short on the car payment, should you take money out of your pocket and make up the difference?

Absolutely not!

Taking care of yourself and your own responsibilities and ensuring that your resources are allotted as you budget is not selfish, it’s wise and healthy.

Will your loved one have problems because you don’t help them out? Probably, but if they are an adult, they need to solve their problems for themselves, you are not their “rescuer”.

It is not your job to make them happy! That is a job that every man (and woman) must do for themselves!

Stop being an enabler! Will you lose the love of your significant other if you do not let him borrow your car and use up all of your gas to run errands? NO! If you do, you never had it!

Remember, “I am NOT your Scrubbing Bubble!”

You work hard so that you can enrich your own life, you don’t work hard so that your adult child, lover, husband or friend DOESN’T have to!

Please do not make the mistake of thinking that providing your loved with their own private “bail out” is going to make them grateful, thankful or respectful. Quite the opposite is true.

When a normal healthy adult knows that they can come to you and just dump all of their troubles on your doorstep and you start “scrubbing them away” for them when they should be cleaning up their own mess, the only thing that is going to happen is you will find yourself endlessly scrubbing that doorstep as more and more and more problems will find their way onto your stoop.

The loved one now knows that he or she can manipulate you. Your adult daughter can’t afford daycare? Grandma will either babysit or pay for it. Think about it. If she has the money for a weekly manicure at the beauty salon, why should you pay for her daycare expenses?

The boyfriend who has lost yet another job and still can’t pay his half of the rent happily takes a few weeks off to “chill” before launching his next job search is perfectly comfortable sleeping until noon and playing video games and surfing facebook all day while you are up at six to leave for your full time job that you’ve had for four years? He never seems to quite “catch up” with his half of the expenses. Why? Because YOU WORK HARD SO HE DOESN’T HAVE TO! Is that why you are working so hard? I think not.

Hold your adult loved ones to the same standard that you hold yourself. No exceptions, no excuses and you will find yourself having happier and healthier adult-to-adult relationships.

Are You “The Other Woman?”

Why Do People Cheat?

Surviving An Affair

Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater?

He Left His Wife, Now What?

When The One We Love Is With Someone Else

Independence, Codependence and Interdependence

The One, The Myth Exposed

Visit Brigid Bishop

If I am not available, and you cannot wait for my return,

please try the well-qualified Advisors in My Group

Brigid Bishop Recommends

To Ensure That You Continue to Receive Quality Advice.

If You Are Experiencing Problems Connecting With Me Today

Brigid Bishop — Sat, 18 Jul 2009 02:12:00 GMT

Please send me a Keen mail describing your connection issues. It seems the system is having a hiccup today, and if you let me know that you are having trouble connecting I can forward your concern to Keen Customer Service at this end so that they can check into the problem.

Thank you!