Brigid Bishop on Life, Love and The Art of Living

Are You the "Other Woman"?

Brigid Bishop — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 19:45:00 GMT

Are You The “Other Woman”?

There are two sides to every story, and sometimes there may actually be three or four.

When we involve ourselves in an affair with someone who is already committed elsewhere, i.e. has a steady girlfriend (or boyfriend), lives with someone, or is married, we are involving ourselves in an emotionally risky business.

Someone is going to be hurt.

That’s a cold hard fact.

It is the rare situation indeed where one partner is cheating and either the original partner or the outside partner does not get hurt.

I have written many blogs on the subject of Why People Cheat and the reasons are as varied as there are grains of salt in the ocean, the cold hard facts are, it happens. Many times it happens when we least expect it.

Do people go out and think, “Gee, I’m going to go out tonight and find myself a married person to fall in love with?” No. Attraction, destiny, life circumstances, soul connections, physical desire, dissatisfaction, they are all ingredients in the recipe for an affair.

If you are the “Other Woman”, (or man), in a Relationship Triangle, this blog is being written for you to try to help you gain some insight into your situation. If you are an injured party in an adulterous affair, please bypass this blog, as it may anger or upset you and you really should read no further. I will have written blogs, such as, Surviving an Affair to help you address the aftermaths of an affair. (Yes, I have been cheated on before, but I try to look at things from all angles, so please, I am not condoning affairs, just analyzing and working with them for my clients who are experiencing this side of the mountain right now.)

First of all, you need to know what the limitations of your current situation are. Yes, someday he may leave his wife, but you can’t live in the future, you live in the NOW, so you must focus on the now. If he is not married, but living with a woman, (or man), it is nearly as complicated as if he were married, so this will apply to you as well. If he is not yet engaged and it is just a girlfriend/boyfriend situation, there is no reason for him not to be out of the other relationship already, and you need to know if it is not a serious commitment to the other partner at this time, and he (or she) is seeing both of you, your lover is unlikely to end that other relationship to be solely with you.

If he is married and seeing you, you need to realize that your plans are always going to be subject to last minute changes. Last minute cancellations are just as prominent as last minute get-togethers.

You will also be spending most, if not all, major holidays alone, while he is enjoying the company of his family, including his spouse.

You will not be able to openly share your relationship with the public, discretion will be a necessity, and so therefore, you will never get to know his parents, siblings, his children or his circle of friends. (Unless he does divorce in the future).

You will be living in the shadows.

The married man who is dating another woman may be a man who never has any intention of leaving his marriage, or he could be ready to leave and for any one of a thousand reasons, the timing may not yet be right for him.

The question you must ask yourself is, what kind of a relationship do you really want?

Do you want to suffer through the uncertainty, possibly years, of wondering if he is ever going to get divorced? Has he ever even mentioned the “D” word to you?

Do you want a man that can take you out in public and share 100% of his life with you, or are you satisfied with 50% or less?

Are you prepared for the backlash that is likely to occur if your affair is ever discovered by his wife and children? It is not likely to be pleasant.

If your bond to him is so strong that you feel that you are ready and willing to deal with this uncomfortable situation, then here are some ways to cope.

Always be aware that no matter how firmly he promises to follow through on any plans that he makes with you, that “The Wife” card will always trump you. Always remind yourself as you anticipate a weekend getaway that yes, it can be postponed, yet again. If you keep your expectations low, you will not be devastated at last minute cancellations.

Try not to be ready to see him at the drop of a hat. He will find himself unexpectedly free and available at times, and will contact you wanting to see you desperately as he has some unexpected free time, you will be very tempted to take advantage of each and every opportunity to see him, but if you are wise, you will not allow this to occur as it teaches him that he is your priority, though you are not his.

Remember, he is romancing you against your better judgment, so these types of affairs can be extremely romantic and dramatic, grand gestures and excessive professions of love are not unusual, he has to convince you that although he is committed elsewhere he is worth your time. Take everything he says with a grain of salt. Married men who have girlfriends lie. This is a cold hard fact. If he did not lie, he would not be dating you and he would not be cheating on his wife. If he is lying to his wife, don’t think for a second that he isn’t lying to you.

One of the biggest lies that married men who cheat tell, is that they don’t sleep with their wives anymore, many of them will even claim to having separate bedrooms, don’t believe it, they all say that. If he is still married to her he is still sleeping with her and yes, they are still having sex. With that in mind, the biggest mistake “the other woman” makes is being exclusive to the married man she is dating. Until he files for a divorce, you should continue dating other single and available men. It is best if you can walk away from the married guy and say “look me up after your divorce”, but if you simply can’t, please continue to date men that are available concurrently, otherwise you will be very lonely at times.

Be careful who you share information about your affair with. People love to gossip, and a secret is only a secret when only one person knows about it. Even some of your best friends may judge you harshly for dating a married man, so be very careful about who you discuss it with.

Set a time limit for your affair.

Unless you want to be like Katherine Hepburn and spend decades as the other woman, only to have him die married to his wife, bring up the discussion of divorce early on. If he does not give you a time frame, walk away. If he says he is waiting for the kids to finish high school, seriously consider their current ages, if they are still very young, walk away. If he set a time frame and it has passed without him going into the process of divorce, walk away.

In all of this, you must consider as well, how he speaks of his current wife.

Does he refer to her respectfully and honestly state the reasons for his dissatisfaction with his marriage? If that is the case, he respects women and probably just outgrew the relationship. Does he run her down and call her names and degrade her? Well, in that case, it may make you temporarily feel good because it convinces you he’s not in love with her, but, remember, that someday you may be in her shoes and would you like him to talk about you like that? It’s disrespectful. Never trust someone that has nothing but bad things to say about their partner or their exes because someday they could be speaking of you that way.

It is a high risk situation that you are in. You could very easily have your heart broken. He may stay married forever. It does happen. You can possibly spend years on the fringes of his life loving him and hoping for change only to be disappointed in the end. It is best to avoid the situation all together if possible, but if it happens to you, you are not alone and if you need help surviving it and coping with it and trying to make your decisions you may call me, and I will help you make your decisions to the best of my ability.

This content may not be copied or reproduced in any way without the express written permission of the author. You are welcome to link to or bookmark this page, but please contact the author via Keen Mail if you wish to reproduce this article in whole or in part.

The Dating Game by Brigid Bishop

On The Outside Looking In

The Newly "BED" Game

Tough Love In the Garden of Eden

Thyme In a Bottle

Why Do People Cheat?

*Reposted from June 2008 by Client Request*

Are Modern Day Relationships Giving Men Excuses To Escape Responsibility?

Brigid Bishop — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 08:46:00 GMT

Are Modern Day Relationships Giving Men Excuses

To Escape Responsibility?

Modern day relationships are not only giving men excuses to escape from responsibilities, they are making them run from responsible relationships!

Not only has the last forty years of child rearing produced multi-generations of women who can "bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan", but they have also allowed men to feel that women should be "equal" partners in relationships. Nothing wrong with equality, but when the scales of relationships were set so off-kilter to begin with, society has thrown the scale to the extreme opposite.

True role reversals in modern relationships are a rarity.

Women of my generation and those in succeeding generations are and have been groomed for success in career and education first and foremost, this was not the norm historically, historically men received this grooming while young women were groomed to be nurturers and providers of safe havens and beautiful homes.

Now, we women want it all and we go after it all.

Our feminine energies have given way to strong and assertive masculine energies which serve us well in school and on the job but undermine our ability to allow men to feel an equal responsibility in the relationship arena.

Women are now expected to earn good incomes, own great cars and homes and toys and trinkets and still provide primary household maintenance and primary child care, while men are still groomed for the most part in the "same old way" but without benefit of developing their nurturing side to bring the relationship scales into balance.

Men want to be coddled and cared for by the modern woman just as they did fifty years ago by our grandmothers. We are surely on our way to creating a gender androgyny that is likely to continue unless we learn to bring the yin and yang back into balance.

When a man marries today, he assumes that not only will his wife contribute economically to the marriage, typically she earns just as much if not more than he does, but he also assumes that she will take care of the home and the children, while he assumes that his primary obligation is to continue to provide half of the economic security of the union. Should the marriage fail, he feels he is doing "his fair share" by providing child support, but typically, the weekly checks and a weekly or biweekly visit are as far as his connection with the family he helped create will go. The male will then begin to move on, unencumbered, to his next modern woman while the original wife and mother now assumes 100% of the parenting responsibilities.

The electronic age of dating is not helping this problem.

We have multiple social websites available at the touch of a button. Communication is immediate through cell phone, text or email. Anywhere and at anytime men and women of today can communicate with each other. This not only creates a lack of a sense of "urgency" to communicate in relationships, but it also makes it extremely easy to fall prey to temptations outside of the primary relationship. A cyber flirtation may seem innocuous, but sooner or later these cyber relationships come out of the computer and into your living room.

Insecurities in modern relationships create fertile ground for infidelity and relationship "jumping".

A woman feels safe and secure if her man is texting her through the day, that communication being constant, the man may grow bored and easily find another female to communicate with. At first it may be innocent, but when the primary relationship begins to feel to bear the weight of responsibility, "poof", frequently the man moves on to a weightless and seemingly responsibility free relationship.

Men can now look at women as capable and strong entities, capable of providing for themselves and others, women can do it all. When he no longer is "having fun" or enjoying the relationship it is just too easy for him to move on and find a new fresh start, leaving the woman behind to be the responsible one and the male feeling no sense of guilt, because, hey, "She can take care of herself".

To Dream The Impossible Dream?

Are You “The Other Woman?”

Why Do People Cheat?

Surviving An Affair

Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater?

He Left His Wife, Now What?

When The One We Love Is With Someone Else

Independence, Codependence and Interdependence

The One, The Myth Exposed

If I am not available please try the well-qualified Advisors in My Group,

(Which is by invitation only),

Brigid Bishop Recommends

To Ensure That You Continue to Receive Quality Advice.

Taking Calls 11 a.m. until 1 a.m. EST weekdays,

just use the "Arrange a Call" Feature

To hold your place in line!

The Impossible Dreamer, Installment One

Brigid Bishop — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 23:59:00 GMT

To Dream The Impossible Dream!

Are you alone?

Are you interested in a guy that somehow remains “elusive” to your relationship goals and expectations?

Do you find yourself wondering if he has viewed your webpage on myspace or facebook or any of the other social networking sites to see your new pics, or if he got your text or email, or if he is going to respond?

Are you wondering why he hasn’t called you in over a week?

Do you dissect and analyze every word and inference in each and every one of his communications with you?

Are you trying to learn his dialect (manspeak), so that you can reassure yourself that somehow, some way he is going to be with you “someday”.

If so, you are what I have coined as an “Impossible Dreamer”. I have an entire chapter in my newest book devoted to you dear, sweet women of the world.

You may or may not have some type of a relationship with the man in question, however, if none exists, you are surely constructing the bits and pieces of your interactions into one in your own mind.

The symptoms of this condition usually center around a man who is afflicted with the following characteristics of unavailability either alone or in combination with several others listed here:

He is married.

He is involved with another woman, i.e., girlfriend or live-in significant other.

He lives very, VERY far away from you, either on the other side of the country or the other side of the world.

He is emotionally unavailable.

He has already told you he is not interested in a romance but he wants to “be friends”.

Although he continuously shows you he has no interest in romance with you, he continues flirtatious contact with you just the same, even to the point of mentioning his other women.

Your only contact is on the internet, you are having a “cyber” relationship.

If you are focused on any men with the above afflictions, you are very likely to be an “Impossible Dreamer”.

The Married Man

The married man may or may not be sleeping with you but whether or not you are actively involved, if he is still married, i.e. “A Married Man”, you are at high risk for being an “Impossible Dreamer”, most especially if you, yourself are also married or involved.

Let’s say that you are single and involved with a Mr. Married. Yes, there are instances as described in many of my previous blogs where these situations do wind up with Mr. Married becoming Mr. Divorced and subsequently you may become Mrs. Divorced, in due time, but more often than not, Mr. Married remains Mr. Married, and you remain Ms. Otherwoman.

How can you tell if your Mr. Married will become Mr. Divorced, and even more important, will Mr. Divorced be with you after said divorce?

It’s very difficult, to say the least, but these key indicators will tell you if Mr. Married has any inclination to skip down the Divorce Trail and be with you.

Signs that he really is looking to jump relationships:

He spends each and every free minute that he can possible steal away from married life with you.

He no longer celebrates anniversaries with his wife, he is with you on those days, not her, she is left to her own devices.

He no longer spends holidays entirely with his wife and family, even on the biggies like Christmas or New Years he finds a way to spend some time with you.

He never lets a special occasion for you go by unmarked, i.e., your birthday, the day you two started dating, etc. He is there for you.

He TELLS you he loves you and he SHOWS you by being attentive.

You receive daily phone calls or emails.

Whenever you call, text or email him, you receive a response within 24 hours at the MOST, even on weekends and holidays.

He TELLS you WHEN he is going to leave his marriage, and when the date comes, he DOES it.

If, on the other hand, you are an Impossible Dreamer, you are likely to be experiencing the following circumstances on a regular basis:

Weeks go by, perhaps even months, without any significant personal contact between the two of you.

Text messages, emails and voicemails seem to be left in limbo as you rarely, if ever, receive a reply.

You spend your birthday, vacations, major holidays and weekends alone.

He is still spending anniversaries, vacations, holidays and weekends with his wife and family.

When you do, on rare occasions, spend time together, it is for a few hours maximum and the time is likely to be spent having heated sex and little else.

He either never mentions divorce at all to you, or, if he does, there are no definitive dates given and no visible actions taken, he will perhaps tell you that the timing is not right.

There are several hardcore facts that a woman in this situation needs to realize and accept and then decide as to whether or not this situation is the right one for her.

If your married love interests’ behaviors place you in the category of an “Impossible Dreamer” you are likely to remain in a permanent state of anticipation and anxiety over your relationship as the situation is highly unlikely to change.

Why are you putting your life on hold when there are so many unattached and physically and emotional available men on the planet?

Even if you feel that this is the “Soul Mate” relationship of a lifetime, if you are an “Impossible Dreamer” you are going to end up lonely if you don’t make changes and begin the process of finding an available partner now, not next month, next year, or next millennium, but now.

If you absolutely cannot let go, at least DATE OTHER AVAILABLE MEN and make him the “Other Man” in your life until you can muster the courage to walk away.

Many “Impossible Dreamers” believe that the unavailable man will walk away if they start pursuing other interests. The cold hard facts are, that if the man has any inclination whatsoever to leave his primary relationship for you, pursuing other romantic interests will speed up his journey into your life, not destroy it. Why should you spend another Saturday night home alone when he is out to dinner and a movie with his wife? Take the risk. In the long run you will be happier.

Watch this blog for Installment Two of the “Impossible Dreamer”.

Copyright © 2008 Brigid Bishop

This content may not be copied or reproduced in any way without the express written permission of the author. You are welcome to link to or bookmark this page, but please contact the author via Keen Mail if you wish to reproduce this article in whole or in part.

I am taking Live and Arranged Calls through 1 a.m. EST today.

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Thank You!

To Dream The Impossible Dream?

Are You “The Other Woman?”

Why Do People Cheat?

Surviving An Affair

Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater?

He Left His Wife, Now What?

When The One We Love Is With Someone Else

Independence, Codependence and Interdependence

The One, The Myth Exposed

If I am not available please try the well-qualified Advisors in My Group,

(Which is by invitation only),

Brigid Bishop Recommends

To Ensure That You Continue to Receive Quality Advice.

Taking Calls 11 a.m. until 1 a.m. EST weekdays,

just use the "Arrange a Call" Feature

To hold your place in line!

Why Do People Cheat?

Brigid Bishop — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 22:50:00 GMT

Why do People Cheat?

Let’s start with women.

There is a misconception out there that men cheat more frequently than females. In my personal observations I find this to be untrue. I receive just as many calls from women who are being unfaithful to their husbands and significant others as I do from women who are involved with a man who is either married or seriously involved with another woman.

I do find that when women cheat, they are prone to cheat at a higher percentage due to dissatisfaction with the current primary relationship in hopes that the new lover will provide them with what is missing in that primary relationship. More women than men seem to venture into cheating situations to find their next serious relationship.

Some women, a minority, cheat for the pure excitement and recreational sex, but these are women with very strong masculine energies. They look at the extracurricular relationship as just that, and have no intentions of turning it into a real relationship.

Personally, I believe that it is best (and healthiest), if you are looking for a new relationship, to end the primary relationship before becoming involved with a new lover, and this is simply to avoid the complications and obstacles that the cheating itself brings about.

When a man has a relationship with a woman outside of her marriage or primary relationship a lot of factors go into why he is doing it. Of course, it is possible that he is falling in love and that he wants a relationship with you as much as you do with him, but, again, this is a rarity.

If the “Other Man” is single and fully unattached, he may want more with you, he may be one who wants you to end your primary relationship and launch a full-blown relationship with him.

How can you tell?

He will pressure you to leave your partner, he will ask you straight out “When are you going to end it so we can be together”. It’s that simple. He will also be there for you in other ways, perhaps he encourages you to move out of your home or provides financial assistance. If you lover wants to become your number one, you will not have to ask, you will know.

If he is not exhibiting any of the aforementioned behaviors, then he is most likely enjoying the convenience of having a woman in his life without the obligation or commitment a normal relationship would require, and if you truly are looking for your next “real” relationship, stop wasting your time with this particular guy as he is not going to be there for you when and if you do exit your marriage.

What if your lover is also married? This complicates the situation even more as you are not in a relationship triangle you have now entered into a relationship square.

Of all the different forms of affairs, this is the most complicated and most likely to fail in transitioning into a dedicated relationship between the two of you.

First of all, you are both cheating. Why are you cheating? You may be looking for an outlet for your sexuality and your personality and want nothing more, if that is the case, you know what you are doing and have no high expectations of the affair changing into something more. However, if you are looking for more, you may be in danger of being extremely disappointed if he is not also looking to change partners.

In this case, it is very important to find out what his motivations for cheating are and what his expectations from the affair are.

Let’s look at why men cheat.

Some are also looking for their next serious relationship and are not comfortable leaving the marriage until they have secured a new partner, this is very unhealthy and reeks of codependency, however, it does happen.

Some men just succumb to the biological predisposition and their animal instincts. They aren’t looking for a new partner, they are looking for pure recreational sex outside of their primary relationship. They may be fun and charming, but their heart lies with their primary relationship, even if their body doesn’t.

This may be very hard for some people to comprehend or accept, but a very high risk time for these types of men (the biologically weak), is when their wife or life partner is pregnant or has just given birth. Naturally if you are the other woman you may want to believe that he is cheating on his pregnant wife, or newly maternal girlfriend because he suspects that the child is not his, but in the majority of instances, this is not the case. Sexual experience outside of the primary relationship in this instance is usually due to the male having a Madonna/Whore complex OR because the wife or girlfriend is incapable of having sexual relations due to the trauma of having just given birth or the discomfort of a late-term pregnancy. If the man you are cheating with falls into this category, you are probably having an affair that is purely sexual in nature.

How can you tell if your affair is “just sex”?

The time you spend together is limited to sexual activity. The primary goal being sexual gratification, no dating, no dancing and dining, just hooking up for the physical release and nothing more, is a dead give-away.

Some men cheat because they actually fall in love with another woman.

They didn’t plan it. It just happened.

There was something innately missing in their primary relationship and the other woman comes along and possesses the spirit and personality required to evoke feelings of love and attraction within the man that may no longer exist with his wife or significant other.

Sometimes the man does not even realize that his marriage is lacking until he meets this other woman.

How do you know if this is the case with your affair?

Absent the fact that he is married or committed elsewhere, your relationship is caring and passionate. He is attentive to you and your needs, he makes time with you, and he spends time with you doing a lot of things besides the horizontal bop. He will tell you straight out that he is going to leave his marriage and he will tell you when, but the most important thing is that when the time comes HE DOES IT.

Affairs of the heart are complex and complicated, much more so than affairs of the body alone. When the heart is involved, the intensity is there, the sharing is there and the man and the woman are both there.

It is a myth that all loves that begin while one partner or another or both are committed elsewhere are doomed to failure. There is no blanket formula for love affairs that begin with cheating. If it were true, when some say that “men never marry the woman they cheated with their first wife on”, there would be very few second marriages indeed.

I look at it this way. Back in the olden days, when people truly expected to be married for life, people married very young but their life expectancy was much shorter than what it is today.

It is also a fact that as technology provides the human race with more and more leisure time and less time required to focus on utter survival, we have more time to examine relationships, to choose to renew or end or begin again. People grow at different paces.

If two people marry in their late twenties, will those two people grow at the same pace and in the same direction? Sometimes yes, sometimes no, we are not the same person at forty-five that we were at twenty-five or thirty-five, and neither are our spouses and lovers. The person we loved ten years ago may have evolved (or failed to evolve) into someone we no longer want for a life mate, and so we move on.

Of course, it is always best to begin a relationship one-on-one, but there are times when this just doesn’t happen. We can’t judge a book by its’ cover, nor can we project that a relationship is doomed to failure because of a less-than-perfect beginning. In the same vein, we can’t project that a relationship will last because of love and passion, that goes for first marriages and relationships just as much as it does for subsequent ones.

Why do people cheat?

The list is endless. This is just the tip of the iceberg and the most frequent causes that I have seen in my personal and professional experience. Sometimes it's pure selfishness or boredom, sometimes it is looking for love.

I have seen many hearts broken through these types of love affairs, but I have also seen multiple cases of joy, happiness and success. There is no magic formula for success, but neither is there an automatic failure due to circumstance, each case needs to be reviewed independently of any other. If you are in this situation, believe me, you are NOT alone.

Strange Dreams

To Dream The Impossible Dream?

Are You “The Other Woman?”

Why Do People Cheat?

Surviving An Affair

Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater?

He Left His Wife, Now What?

When The One We Love Is With Someone Else

Independence, Codependence and Interdependence

The One, The Myth Exposed

If I am not available please try the well-qualified Advisors in My Group,

(Which is by invitation only),

Brigid Bishop Recommends

To Ensure That You Continue to Receive Quality Advice.

Careful What You Wish For!!

On The Outside Looking In

Taking Calls 11 a.m. until 1 a.m. EST weekdays,

just use the "Arrange a Call" Feature

To hold your place in line!

Soul Mates by Brigid Bishop

Brigid Bishop — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 21:09:00 GMT

Searching for your soul mate? Have a romanticized vision in your head of what it will be like? Living happily ever after and never having a harsh word pass between you? Is this what you have come to believe your soul mate is all about?

WRONG!

Soul mate relationships, although the most SIGNIFICANT relationships in our lives, are also the most DIFFICULT, or CHALLENGING, or CONTAIN THE MOST OBSTACLES!

People look at me like I am nuts when I say this as they have been led to believe by modern marketing practices that soul mate relationships are an instant connection with the fairy tale ending guaranteed, oh lord, do we need to talk about this!

First of all, there is a common misconception that people have that each soul here on earth has but one soul mate. That is not true. We have multiple soul mates. Each soul mate that we encounter is here with us because we have created a specific kind of karma with that soul. Dependent upon the karma created......we teach each others lessons relevant to that karma.

There are also different types of soul mates. Some soul mates are considered "twin flames". Twin flames are typically souls that are on a very similar karmic path and we encounter them during certain growth stages of our lives, we support them, they support us. They are typically friends, family members, or sometimes even casual acquaintances that we feel that instant chemistry with. They are not here so much to teach us a soul lesson as to support us while we learn it. They can manifest as children and parents, etc. etc.

There are also "twin souls". Twin souls tend to have extremely similar life paths to ours and we tend to cultivate these relationships quite easily, the twin soul is probably the type of soul mate that the average person imagines when they reference the term. The compatibility quotient is high, interests similar, experiences similar, etc., they typically are not the type of soul mate that passionate relationships arise out of.

Then we have the pure essence soul mates. These are the soul mates that have been romanticized in literature etc., however, the relationships with these soul mates are NEVER easy, smooth or effortless, they can be quite painful in fact, but if we work out the lessons karmically imprinted on our souls together, we achieve the reward of being able to be happy together.

The best example of a soul mate relationship portrayed in modern media that I can think of right now is the movie "What Dreams May Come". If you have never seen it, please rent it and pay close attention. Robin Williams plays the male lead and I can never remember the woman's name, but this is a soul mate relationship. In this story the man and woman meet and are very happy and productive, soul mates, but then, the soul lessons begin.

WARNING: THIS IS A DESCRIPTION OF THE MOVIE, A "SPOILER" TO DEMONSTRATE A SOULMATE RELATIONSHIP, DO NOT READ FURTHER IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO SPOIL THE MOVIE FOR YOURSELF!!

I warned you! This is the spoiler. Robin Williams and his wife are happily married with children and very successful and productive. Everything you could imagine a soul mate relationship being based on popular belief (fairy tale life), and then......one day......their nanny takes the children in the car and there is a terrible accident. Yes, the children die. It's horrid.

The wife falls apart and so does the husband, but the husband is capable of healing and begins to do so, the wife continues to fall apart as does the marriage, the wife even becomes suicidal, but their soul mate connection allows the husband to somehow pull her back into the living of life......just as they are about to celebrate reconciling their marriage and her recovery from attempted suicide, HE gets killed!!!!

It's so sad!!!! He dies and the story follows him to "heaven" where he encounters certain characters..........and he is allowed to see how his estranged wife is doing. Needless to say, she becomes depressed and suicidal and to his dismay he cannot stop her this time and she kills herself.

Well, they are soul mates, the most difficult relationships to work on, but the most connective. He finds that she goes to hell because of her suicide, and he is successful in rescuing her from the depths of hell...........it is an excellent movie about what it means to be a soul mate and what true love is.

The movie ends with a little boy and a little girl on a dock by a lake playing who meet for the first time, yes, it is Robin and his wife again, getting yet another chance to get things right, that is the nature of a soul mate relationship. You go through hell together and you keep getting the chance to do it over and over and over and over until you get it right.

Soul mates..........ah, the irony. I have mine and I must tell you I spent my time in hell and he did come and pull me back out. We went through nine years of working out our karma until we were allowed to be happy (I hope it lasts).

So when someone asks me "Is he my soul mate?" in a reading, the first thing I tell them is "You realize we have more than one soul mate, right?".

Careful what you ask for, you just might get it.

Read more about Soul Mates on Brigid Bishops' Blog at Keen.com

Gone With the Wind, a Classic Soul Mate Story

On The Outside Looking In

Hilights From June of 2007

The Newly "BED" Game

Tough Love In the Garden of Eden

Thyme In a Bottle

Why Do People Cheat?

What is Your Power Animal?

The Bridal Bouquet

(This Article Contains Links to More Wedding Rituals and Myths)

Independence, Codependence and Interdependence

Premarital Ponderings at 2 a.m.

On The Outside Looking In

And From May of 2007:

Doing The Relationship Limbo?

Be Careful What You Wish For!

Relationships From All Angles, The Geometry of Relationships

He Chased Me 'Til I Caught Him

From April of 2007:

Understanding Past Life Connections and Memories

Gone With the Wind, A Classic Soulmate Story

Cold Mountain, An Adventure In Scrying

Should I Stay or Should I Go Now?

Calculating Soul Mate (Soulmate) Connections With Astrology

Soulmates Return

(Poetry)

What Is A Spell? Magick is NOT Magic!

Relationship Autopsy

Where Did The Devil Come From?

The Meaning of the Pentacle

Masculine Energy Females, The Dating Game Continues

From March of 2007:

A Soul Mate (Soulmate) Story

Understanding Soul Mates (Soulmates) by Brigid Bishop

The Dating Game by Brigid Bishop

Uncloaking The Tarot

There Will Be Wolves

(Poetry)

Myths and Truths About Tarot

Visit Brigid Bishop

The One: The Myth Exposed

Brigid Bishop — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 23:10:00 GMT

The ONE: The Myth Exposed

The ONE.

"Are We Meant To Be Together?"

This question, more than any other question that is asked of me makes me very tense. It bothers me because I do not subscribe to the idea or fantasy that there exists out there “The One”.

In my personal belief system, I just cannot buy into this particular myth.

Some people believe that a “Soul Mate” is “The One”, ugh, it rattles my cage when I hear of or read about people encouraging this fantasy in others.

This mindset leads people to pursuing relationships that won’t work and to holding on to relationships that don’t work, and frequently gets them obsessed with an ex.

There is no such thing as “The One”. The Universe is not so cruel as to, in the 6,709,999,582 people who are on the earth, (as of 7/1/08), to only have ONE of these people be an appropriate loving and caring partner for YOU.

Statistically, if you were born on 7/1/08, that would give you a 0.0000000149031305856198000% Chance of finding someone to love!

Do you really believe that the odds are stacked that overwhelmingly against us here on Earth?

I don’t.

I believe that we have dozens, perhaps hundreds or thousands, of mortal counterparts that we can build a happy existence with. Fate plays a hand to some degree, yes, fate being the geographic location of your existence, the personality you were born with, (whether you are an introvert or extrovert), the genetics that compose your outward appearance, how your parents raised you and thus how you are wired emotionally and psychologically and more, but I vehemently disregard that fate controls “who we are meant to be with”.

We CHOOSE who we are with (or not with and pining away after).

So when a client says to me, distraught over a crisis in their current love affair, "Are we meant to be together?" I have no choice but to say, “I cannot in good conscience answer that question as there is no such thing as “The ONE””. This is frequently met with dead silence.

Yes, there may be a soul connection to this individual you love so much, yes, they may even be your “Soul Mate”, (Click HERE to gain understanding of what a Soul Mate actually is), but they are NOT the only “ONE” and it is not “Meant To BE” you must choose to MAKE IT BE! And to top that off, they must also decide, hopefully concurrently, that they want you to be THEIR ONE.

So you’re relationship is in crisis, you don’t know if it is over, you are looking for relief, the easiest question to ask is “Are we meant to be together?”, it will provide you with instant validation and relief if an advisor tells you “yes, you are”, and drive you perhaps to despair if an advisor answers “No, you are not.”

Better questions to ask are “What can I do (if anything) to improve the situation”, or “What are the core issues and root causes of our relationship issues”, or “What do I need to work on internally to better cope with this crisis”.

These are questions that can be answered with true advice that can help you to better choose as to whether or not this individual truly is right for you and deserves to be in the “ONE” position in your life, rather than just trying to validate that your suffering will be worth it in the long run.

So if you do call me, and you do ask me, “Are we meant to be together, is he/she the one?” I will tell you, again, I cannot in good conscience answer that question as I do not believe that there is any such thing as “The One”.

Do the Math!!!!

Brightest Blessings,

Brigid Bishop

. This content may not be copied or reproduced in any way without the express written permission of the author. You are welcome to link to or bookmark this page, but please contact the author via Keen Mail if you wish to reproduce this article in whole or in part

A Very Profound Question

To Dream The Impossible Dream?

Are You “The Other Woman?”

Why Do People Cheat?

Surviving An Affair

Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater?

He Left His Wife, Now What?

When The One We Love Is With Someone Else

Independence, Codependence and Interdependence

The One, The Myth Exposed

Visit Brigid Bishop

In my absence, if you are in need of an Advisor and do not have time to wait for an “Arranged Call”, please try one of the well-qualified Advisors in my group of personally recommended Readers:

Brigid Bishop Recommends.

This Group of Readers is Invitation Only in order to maintain the integrity of the group. All of these advisors are ethical and professional and I truly do recommend them highly. I have had personal contact with all of them, they are not just random "picks" or "open to everyone" memberships, I do trust them and endorse them.

When the One We Love Is With Someone Else

Brigid Bishop — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 21:25:00 GMT

When the One We Love Is With Someone Else

by Brigid Bishop

Nothing is more painful than being fully aware that the one we love is involved with someone else. It can manifest in many ways, we may find out that our loved one was unfaithful or we may be “on a break” and they are investigating other opportunities, or it may be conclusively over and they are moving on.

Regardless of the circumstances, it hurts and we suffer and grieve.

I always recommend that when any of us are suffering this type of emotional turmoil that we are sure to watch for signs of clinical depression and to seek professional medical help if we suspect we may be afflicted.

Now, how do we deal with it?

Well, first of all, you must examine the reality of what type of a relationship you had in the first place. Was it a friendship, an infatuation, were you just dating casually, were you boyfriend and girlfriend for a few months, were you involved for a few years?

Measure the reality of the connection.

Your emotional response should be directly proportionate to the type of connection that you had, if it is an excessively emotional response, you may need to seek professional guidance. If you had a true relationship, for six months or more, you are going to hurt like heck, and of course, the longer the relationship, the more it is going to hurt.

You examined your situation and you find that it was a true relationship of significant length and your significant other is dating someone new.

You know, without a doubt, that the man you were actively loving just a month or two ago is seeing another woman, (or insert genders as they apply to you).

It hurts. It makes you sick. It makes you angry.

Who is the first person you are usually angry at for this? Yourself? No, not usually. Your estranged partner? No, you are usually too busy missing them and feeling the pain of their absence. The new person they are seeing? Yes. That’s it. Now you’ve got it.

Our initial reaction to the new person is that they are the evilest, most scheming, most conniving, no-good interloper on the face of the earth. When we call an advisor we ask questions about her like “Is she after his money”, “Is she sexually immoral”, “Is she trying to use him”, etc., etc., etc. We are trying to identify at least one major flaw in the new entity that will reassure us that this new relationship is on shaky ground and that he can’t really have feelings for her, he must just be with her just for sex, or whatever we convince ourselves it is.

Although sometimes the above conditions may apply, it is infrequent at best. The truth is that usually and customarily our estranged partner finds the new individual to be attractive in some way, feels good around them and wants to get to know them better. It can be a temporary situation, or it can develop into something serious between them, and we frequently ask our metaphysical advisors what it looks like and we answer as honestly as possible.

Sometimes the new relationship looks like it will not bloom, that it is a transitional stage that either will lead our lost love back to us, as they realize as feelings do not develop for the new person that they still love us. Sometimes the new relationship does look like it will grow and develop. Sometimes the new relationship looks like it is just a transitional thing until our ex is fully our ex and moves on. We look for answers and we hope for the best.

REGARDLESS of what the answers we divine together are, there are several key factors that you should try to focus on in order to ease your pain and provide yourself with the best emotional and psychological viewpoint to cope with this situation.

1) Energy. Don’t waste your energy trying to make the new person the villain. The new entity may well be unaware of you, may not even know your name and is not out to hurt you specifically. The new person is just living their life and happens to have crossed the path of the same person you care for during a time when an opportunity exists for them to get involved with your ex. (This does not apply to cheating situations whereby your partner left you to be with them, we are talking about breaks without outside interference).

2) Focus. Remove your focus from your ex (and the new person). Whether or not your readings tell you that your ex is returning, you must set it in your mind that at this point in time your lover is not yours, you are two separate people living separate lives. Focus on yourself. Focus on pushing yourself to move forward no matter how difficult.

3) Break. Make it a clean break. The MOST difficult breakups are those that are not “clean”. The rubber banding back and forth during an “unclean break” is sheer torture emotionally and psychologically. They call it a break up because it is broken. Clean breaks mend faster.

4) Move. Move on, move forward. Let go. Live your life, don’t try to be a voyeur into their life.

5) Reality. Live in reality. Don’t try to create an illusion for your ex hoping that he is watching. In 99% of cases he is doing all of the above and not focused on you, so don’t waste energy sending yourself flowers or trying to make your estranged partner jealous over an imaginary new man in your life, instead, get out there and meet a few new men for real!

The worst case scenario is that he will develop a new relationship and yours will be over for good. In this event, if you have done all that you need to do, you will be well-socialized and already beginning to heal and move on.

The best case scenario is that he will have felt the absence of your energy, found that his feelings for you prevent him from forming a significant new bond with the new person and he returns wanting you back in his life. In this instance, if you have done all of the above, you will be able to make an emotionally intelligent decision about whether or not you even want him back.

If you do take him back, you need to be sure that you are able to put aside any negative feelings that may still remain, or perhaps resurface, when you think of the fact that he was with someone else during your break. This can be difficult and we will discuss this in a future blog.

All Exes Do Not Return.

All Break Ups Are Not Permanent.

Meet Jillian and The Rest of My Furbabies!

What Women Want

Stop, Drop and Roll!

I AM NOT YOUR SCRUBBING BUBBLE!

Brigid Bishop — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 08:31:00 GMT

I AM NOT YOUR SCRUBBING BUBBLE!

Remember those old bathroom foam cleaning commercials with the little scrubbing bubbles calling out “We work hard so you don’t have toooooooo……” as they spun down the drain?

Think about them the next time a person in your life, be it an adult son or daughter, sister, brother, lover or husband tries to force you into the role of “enabler” in their life. Just conjure up that image in your mind, think of yourself being sucked down the drain of codependency, and say “NO”.

They might be asking you to add them to your cell phone plan, lend them money, clean their apartment for them, let them use your car, buy them groceries, forgive them for not holding to their word for the umpteenth time, or any one of the thousands of manipulative forms of assistance they seek when they are just too dysfunctional to behave like responsible adults.

Codependent relationships are not limited to substance abusers and their kin, they are real and alive in every relationship dynamic out there. There is absolutely nothing wrong with helping your loved ones, nothing at all, the question is, is your loved one doing the work required to help themselves?

Are they just a little short on cash, or have they been unemployed for a lengthy period of time, or unable to manage their cash flow or hold a job? Everyone comes up short on occasion, especially in the current economy, but some of us are scrubbing bubbles and some of us are not.

If you are working diligently every day and using your resources wisely, why should you take your hard earned cash and hand it over to the adult child who has not been gainfully employed in six months?

When you saved regularly when times were good and paid all your bills on time and your significant other played and partied and scattered his funds to the wind without setting up a reserve, why should you add him to your cell phone plan when his is shut off and increase your monthly debt?

When your husband golfed all summer and bought himself new clubs, a new bag, nice equipment and turned down overtime to do so and finds himself short on the car payment, should you take money out of your pocket and make up the difference?

Absolutely not!

Taking care of yourself and your own responsibilities and ensuring that your resources are allotted as you budget is not selfish, it’s wise and healthy.

Will your loved one have problems because you don’t help them out? Probably, but if they are an adult, they need to solve their problems for themselves, you are not their “rescuer”.

It is not your job to make them happy! That is a job that every man (and woman) must do for themselves!

Stop being an enabler! Will you lose the love of your significant other if you do not let him borrow your car and use up all of your gas to run errands? NO! If you do, you never had it!

Remember, “I am NOT your Scrubbing Bubble!”

You work hard so that you can enrich your own life, you don’t work hard so that your adult child, lover, husband or friend DOESN’T have to!

Please do not make the mistake of thinking that providing your loved with their own private “bail out” is going to make them grateful, thankful or respectful. Quite the opposite is true.

When a normal healthy adult knows that they can come to you and just dump all of their troubles on your doorstep and you start “scrubbing them away” for them when they should be cleaning up their own mess, the only thing that is going to happen is you will find yourself endlessly scrubbing that doorstep as more and more and more problems will find their way onto your stoop.

The loved one now knows that he or she can manipulate you. Your adult daughter can’t afford daycare? Grandma will either babysit or pay for it. Think about it. If she has the money for a weekly manicure at the beauty salon, why should you pay for her daycare expenses?

The boyfriend who has lost yet another job and still can’t pay his half of the rent happily takes a few weeks off to “chill” before launching his next job search is perfectly comfortable sleeping until noon and playing video games and surfing facebook all day while you are up at six to leave for your full time job that you’ve had for four years? He never seems to quite “catch up” with his half of the expenses. Why? Because YOU WORK HARD SO HE DOESN’T HAVE TO! Is that why you are working so hard? I think not.

Hold your adult loved ones to the same standard that you hold yourself. No exceptions, no excuses and you will find yourself having happier and healthier adult-to-adult relationships.

Are You “The Other Woman?”

Why Do People Cheat?

Surviving An Affair

Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater?

He Left His Wife, Now What?

When The One We Love Is With Someone Else

Independence, Codependence and Interdependence

The One, The Myth Exposed

Visit Brigid Bishop

If I am not available, and you cannot wait for my return,

please try the well-qualified Advisors in My Group

Brigid Bishop Recommends

To Ensure That You Continue to Receive Quality Advice.

Have You Any Stalking Tendencies? Can't Let Go? Take This Test To See....

Brigid Bishop — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 07:49:00 GMT

Are You a Stalker?

We get interested in men, we get frustrated, at times, by men, we get hurt by men, we fall in love with men, and we break up and make up with men. In the complicated world of relationships we ride the rollercoaster of masculine and feminine energy and we, at times, fall prey to our weaker instincts and do things that we normally would not do as rational, adult women.

Answer these questions honestly, yes or no.

Results will be given at the bottom of this little quiz to see if you have ever been a “stalker”, or are having a hard time letting go of a person.

1. You have blocked your number and dialed a man’s phone number and immediately hung up, just to hear his voice and get a “rush”. (You may have then spent hours or days analyzing his tone of voice and/or the background noises present during that split second call).

2. You have logged onto match or myspace under a pseudo name just to check his profile and any activity on his account.

3. You have gone out of your way to do “drive-by’s” past his work, his home, and his haunts just to see if there have been any changes in his movements or habits.

4. You know his movements and habits so well that if he is not at any of the places listed in Item 3, above, you panic when he is not within his normal routine.

5. You have accessed his cell phone account and looked up every number he has called through the web and those that you could not identify, you rang, as in Item 1 above.

6. You have actually spent time trying to crack his password on his email, voicemail, myspace or match account.

7. You show up at his “usual” haunts trying to behave as if you would be there “anyway”, but you know, in reality, you are only there in the hopes of bumping into him and creating an interaction that would not otherwise occur.

8. You have run a “background” check on him through the web to try to pin down any information about him that you may not have already gathered, and you paid good money for it.

9. You pump any mutual friends or acquaintances that you have for information, in what you believe is a seemingly “casual” way, and subsequently follow up on any “leads” you may get as to his current activity.

10. You have conducted your own “stake-out” of his home, work place, or favorite haunts.

Here are your scores

If you answered yes to question 1, you are not alone. This is a common practice among American Women of all ages, and can easily be explained away as a Freudian Slip, or an accidental dial. Repeatedly indulging in question one behavior, however, can indicate a problem.

If you answered yes to question 2, you’re still in the realm of the average curiosity level of the American Female, although the information you gain by doing so may only serve to hurt your feelings.

If you answered yes to number 3, you are starting to get a little bit higher onto the Stalker Scale of possessiveness, and plotting his movements in this manner is wasting your time and feeding your obsession. You really should go out of your way to not drive by these locations.

A combination of items one, two and three is beginning to put you into stalker mode, and you really should try to stop.

If you answered yes to number 4, you are climbing the Stalker Scale and hurting yourself more than anyone. Stop here. The only thing that will happen with this knowledge is that you will hurt yourself.

If you answered yes to number 5, you are well on your way to topping out on the Stalker Scale. You are invading his privacy and could well face criminal charges if you get caught. Stop immediately. Let go.

If you answered yes to number 6, you are on a path to self-destruction, and if caught, again, you could face criminal charges and public humiliation. Please stop.

If you answered yes to number 7, you are in “chase” mode with this man, and the only thing that your presence and persistence will do is make the man react by pulling farther away. It is true that absence makes the heart grow fonder. Putting yourself squarely in his path at every opportunity is NOT going to make him realize that he misses you and that he wants more with you. Your elusiveness will do more to fan his flames of desire more than anything else.

Answering yes to number 8 is pure stalking, you are not going to find any sense of relief or gratification in the information that you find. Let go.

If you answered yes to number 9, you are being blatantly obvious, and again, you are in chase mode.

Answering yes to number 10 indicates that you are at risk of having a restraining order placed against you, if the male in question is so inclined, and you are running the risk of discovery.

Count up your answers to the positive. On a scale of one to ten, the higher your score, the more obsessive your behavior. Love can lead to madness, but there is no need to torture yourself and risk criminal charges over a male whose behavior drives you to such lengths.

If you score a zero, you a very healthy and secure woman, and probably had no interest in even reading this blog.

If you score one to three, you are exhibiting insecurity on a level that is about average when a relationship is not progressing as you would like.

If you score three to six, you are beginning to exhibit signs of obsession and should really examine this relationship and how it is hurting you, not adding to your life, but reducing the quality of your life.

If you score above six, you are in danger of losing yourself and your self-esteem by placing your focus on an outside source for gratification and you need to begin to look inside. You are also in danger of having criminal charges placed against you should the person you are doing this too feel that you have violated their privacy in this manner.

Rather than spending time and energy in these ill-fated pursuits, try moving forward and living the life that you have always imagined yourself living. Pick up a new hobby, pick up a new man, redefine yourself, change your style, focus on yourself and not this person on the outside who is being so inattentive as to cause you to behave a bit irrationally.

Here are some other articles that you may find of interest in the meantime:

Doing The Relationship Limbo?

Be Careful What You Wish For!

Relationships From All Angles, The Geometry of Relationships

He Chased Me 'Til I Caught Him

Understanding Past Life Connections and Memories

Gone With the Wind, A Classic Soulmate Story

Cold Mountain, An Adventure In Scrying

Should I Stay or Should I Go Now?

Calculating Soul Mate (Soulmate) Connections With Astrology

Soulmates Return

(Poetry)

What Is A Spell? Magick is NOT Magic!

Relationship Autopsy

Where Did The Devil Come From?

The Meaning of the Pentacle

Masculine Energy Females, The Dating Game Continues

Need Help Letting Go?

In my absence, if you are in need of an Advisor, and unable to arrange a call, please try one of the well-qualified Advisors in my group of personally recommended Readers to ensure that you continue to receive quality advice:

Brigid Bishop Recommends.

I Want It All, And I Want It Now!

Brigid Bishop — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 22:24:00 GMT

I Want It All, And I Want It Now!

Great Song by Queen! One of my favorite bands, by the way.

I certainly understand the sentiment behind the song, and it is perfectly fine to want it all and want it now, but, my dearest, sometimes Patience truly is a Virtue.

I have had many, many clients over the years, with situations at varying degrees of difficulty, and we have worked through them successfully together. There were times when a learning curve may have slowed or delayed progress, but we got through the toughest times with a high degree of success.

The learning curve seems to always come with my clients when it comes to communication. Many do not and will not simply wait out a situation to allow it to change. As discussed in my multiple blogs on Masculine and Feminine Energy, it seems that a large percentage of female clients cannot self-discipline themselves to the feminine (passive) energy when it comes to communication.

Despite our work together, they decide not to follow the advice of the cards, and the natural balance between Masculine and Feminine Energy, and they initiate contact with the object of their desires first (masculine energy). All is not lost, however, any progress that was made during their self-imposed silence has now been erased and has lost any and all effectiveness in allowing the male to feel their absence and grow uncomfortable. Now the male does not have a motivating factor (discomfort) to produce any change in his behavior.

By initiating contact the female has now condoned whatever his unacceptable behavior was and basically trained him that it is okay to treat her like this (inattentively).

So although the woman now has the immediate gratification of having communication and contact with the object of her desires, she has now, inadvertently, taken a few steps backwards into establishing her feminine energy and has most likely delayed any significant change in the males’ behavior.

Why? Because now, you have reassured the male in question that yes, indeed, you are still actively interested in him. So why change his behavior? If he doesn’t feel like calling you for another week or two, you don’t mind, you just trained him that you will reach out to him if he doesn’t reach out to you, you will do all the “work”, and if he feels like being accessible to you he will, if he doesn’t, he won’t. You have taught him that your feelings don’t matter, you don’t warrant his attention because on the peripheral, you will still be there. He has absolutely no fear (motivation) that your attention will wander, after all, it’s been two weeks since he called you and here you are ringing him up telling him that you miss him!! He knows he has you, has no fear that you will go away, so why would he change?

Now, you’ve made the contact, expressed your feelings, he was glad to hear from you, the phone call has ended, and guess what? He goes silent again.

You have, in effect, told him in no uncertain terms that he can go about his busy life and when he has the time or the need for your companionship, you’ll still be over here in limbo waiting…no worries for him.

The need for immediate emotional gratification is the same need that throws the timing of most relationships off when you succumb to it.

What is immediate emotional gratification?

It is infantile in nature. Immediate gratification is the “immediate” fulfilling of a need, as in when an infant cries because they are hungry and the mother rushes to feed the child. This is good, this is responsible motherhood and necessary to build a sense of security within any newborn child.

We are not babies, sorry to say. We are grown men and women and we should be able to discipline ourselves to reap the benefits of delayed gratification.

What is delayed gratification?

Delayed gratification is being able to wait to have your needs fulfilled at a more permanent and stable level, for example, the student who wants to become an attorney and works through four years of college and then attends law school and delays the “gratification” of going out and working full time in order to buy the nice car they have their eye on. The goal is not to have a nice car at the age of 22, but to have a good career and an even nicer car (and overall lifestyle) at the age of 25 or 26 or so. Delayed gratification is a sign of mature and responsible adulthood.

How do these two differing types of gratification work into the Geometry of Relationships?

Ok, immediate gratification leads you to make those phone calls to the object of your desire and having that immediate relief that the contact may bring. It feels good, your needs are satisfied, your thirst for his voice is quenched, for now. As discussed above, you are now most likely going to go back into the waiting mode and either reach for immediate gratification again or suffer it out and wait for the delayed gratification.

With the delayed gratification approach you will suffer now, in the immediate, you will be uncomfortable, you will be wondering why he doesn’t reach out, but you do not reach out to him, you wait it out. As discussed in multiple other blogs found under my category “Brigid Bishop, Relationship Coach”, you busy yourself with other matters, other dates, and you do not reach out at all. It is not easy and it takes self-discipline, but it can be done.

Your absence and the absence of your energy will draw him out if he truly does care, and if he does not, if it is over, your life will not be empty while you wait it out, you will have other people to socialize with and other males to investigate relationship opportunities with in the interim. It is possible that you will even find a male who is a better match for you than the original object of your affections.

If you can abstain and wait for the delayed gratification, the male in question will be reaching out to you because you have allowed him the time to miss you, to realize that he misses you, and your prolonged absence will also have him change his behavior toward you as he will be well aware that you will not be sitting on a shelf waiting for him to rescue you from limbo.

Which would you prefer?

The instant rush of the immediate gratification (satisfying an infantile need) and the continuing Relationship Limbo or the short-term (it could be months, but short-term in the big picture) discomfort and the delayed, and long lasting gratification that effects change in your relationship dynamic? (Satisfaction at a mature adult level).

The choice is up to you, but in my extensive experience in working with clients in these types of situations, the latter is preferable as it is permanent change for the better and not just fleeting happiness.

On The Outside Looking In

Speak to Brigid Bishop Live

*Reposted at the request of Alicia! 7/23/08*

This is for you my dear friend!

How Speeding Things Up Can Slow Things Down

Brigid Bishop — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 21:56:00 GMT

How Speeding Things Up Can Slow Things Down

I have written extensive blogs on relationships and the dynamics that are common throughout them, and, quite frankly, have taken a bit of a break on my relationship writings. So unless you are clicking specifically on Brigid Bishop’s Blog and reading through it, you may not have had a chance to read them if you are relatively new to Keen, or if you just check the main blog page and scroll down through that day’s posts.

So, again, as in my blog, “I Want It All, and I Want It Now!”, I’d like to discuss how a woman taking action to “speed up” their relationships actually slows things down in the big picture.

There are days when I am inundated with calls from clients who are in a relationship situation where they are “on a break” with the man that they care for.

This is not uncommon.

Frequently, relationships need to have periods where there is a clean break in order for the male in question to experience life without you in order to truly appreciate life WITH you.

Sometimes it’s not even on a break, so to speak, but it’s initiating contact, and the female can’t wait for him to initiate, so she does it herself. There are many blogs written by me on this subject under the category link on my blog, Brigid Bishop, Relationship Coach. When you have time you may want to peruse them to gain some insight into these behaviors inside of your own relationships.

So, for the purpose of this particular blog, let’s talk about the “Break” situation.

For some reason, including but not limited to any of the following reasons; “I don’t have time for a relationship right now”, “I am not ready for a relationship right now”, “Let’s keep it as friends”, “I have to focus on career, school, my kids, my divorce, etc.”, the man in your life has called it off. Perhaps you were the one to call it off because your needs were not being met, but now, you want the relationship back.

It hurts.

You love him.

You feel abandoned.

You feel a sense of internal panic without the consistency of him in your life.

You cry.

You want him to change his mind and come back.

You aren’t sure what to do.

You call an advisor for some insight and some advice or reassurance. You want to see if the Tarot Cards can clue you in as to what is going on inside him and as to what he will likely do about your relationship in the future.

You are not alone.

You need to talk to someone and get a handle on the situation.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with experiencing this. You are a caring, feeling human being, and the feelings you are experiencing right now are unpleasant to say the least, and they are also very distracting, making it hard for you to focus on other areas of your life.

So, you get a reading and you are going to get an answer in one of two directions, either (a) the gentleman in question is not coming back and the break is going to be a permanent one, or (b) he is going to realize that he misses you and get in touch with his feelings for you and return.

If your answer is (a), it hurts, but hearing it from an experienced and compassionate advisor may help you to let go, heal, and subsequently move on.

If your answer is (b), you feel a bit better, but, in 9 out of 10 cases, your next question will be “When?”.

This is usually where the female querent gets a bit frustrated. Timing with the Tarot is exceptionally difficult.

Unless the woman is the one who broke the relationship and did something hurtful, it is usually best to allow the male to work through his feelings and allow him to initiate the contact leading toward reconciliation.

Why?

It’s usually best because this way, when he returns, he returns without any doubt of what he wants, he has made the decision himself and he is likely to be more committed upon his return than he ever was before.

So, what happens if the female tries to speed things up?

Well, in varying degrees she may be unsuccessful and push him farther away, delaying reconnecting or disallowing it all together if she is too intense in her pursuit, or, she can actually cause the reconnection to occur sooner.

If she is successful, the problem is, the success is generally short-lived or temporary.

When a break occurs, it occurs for a reason. If you do not allow the male to work through whatever his issues or doubts were in his own time, they will resurface and you are highly likely to experience the break cycle again, often more severe, and possibly permanently.

His return happens because you pushed for it, not because he chose to return on his own.

Now he knows that he can break up with you and not truly sacrifice his relationship with you because you will be there for him the next time he gets ants in his pants.

You may get the “immediate gratification” of putting things back together, but your foundation is not solid, it is built on your actions, not his. He is back, but now he knows that he’s not risking losing you if he leaves again because you have taught him that you will chase him if he does.

Now, in the event that you do wait it out, it may take weeks or even months longer to reconcile, however, when he does come back to you of his own free will, without your pushing and pulling him to you, he will most likely be more committed to you because he did lose you and you were gone, and you put the “work” in his lap. He will realize how close he came to losing you permanently, and allowing him to work through whatever feelings of ambivalence about your connection he had has allowed him to truly commit to you and the relationship. He will be unlikely to leave again.

Waiting out this process is very difficult for many of us of the feminine persuasion.

We want our man back in our life and worry and pine over them during these breaks. This is normal when you care about someone, but it is in the best interest of the relationship overall if you can just communicate to him very simply “I wish things were different, but I understand your decision, take care”, and let go.

Many of us feel incapable of doing so, we want it, and we want it now, so we don’t follow this advice and we contact them and we pour our hearts out, and we may very well get them back, but we get them back on their terms, not ours, frequently with even less of a commitment than we had before. We then become so afraid of losing them again that we tolerate poor behavior, missed phone calls, lack of attention to our needs and postponements for dates, etc.

We may feel that rush of accomplishment at having “won him back” initially, but it is usually quickly followed by frustration and perhaps even more phone calls to an advisor asking questions such as “when will he call, when will he commit”, while, if we had just let him work through his feelings and let go when we had the chance we would have gotten a strong return from him with consistency in communications and a deeper level of commitment to our relationship.

So, if you are finding yourself on a break and wondering what you should do, if you are not the one who did the “breaking”, do nothing. Let him work through his feelings. Move forward. Socialize, date others, let him know you wish that things were different before you do move on without him, but move forward just the same. It is difficult, but you will find that if you are not focused on his return you will feel better and you will also find that he will miss you more in the absence of your energy and he will return more quickly and with a renewed sense of value for you and your relationship.

If you push for a premature reconnection and you successfully achieve it, you must be aware that within six to eight weeks or sooner you are likely to be repeating a pattern of his pulling away or breaking off with you.

So, immediate gratification or long-term satisfaction, is it worth the wait to you?

Speak to Brigid Bishop Live

Are You Being Lied To?

Brigid Bishop — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 04:57:00 GMT

How Can You Tell If You Are Being Lied To?

Are You Being Lied To?

There are many ways to tell if someone is being dishonest with you and I am going to give you just a few tips that should help you separate out fact from fiction.

Eye Contact

There are two distinct traits used by someone who is trying to deceive you when it comes to maintaining eye contact. One is to avert the eyes away from yours, perhaps they focus on your mouth when they speak rather than your eyes, or they drop their eyes to the left or the right, this is a signal that they are not confident in their ploy and that they may be afraid of discovery. If they are looking up and away to the left or the right they are visualizing their story as they create it.

The second trait is entirely the opposite, they go out of their way to maintain eye contact, the eyes are opened up just a little bit too wide, and they don’t blink. This is a tactic used by one who is used to being believed when being deceitful and they are the “more practiced” liars among us. They believe the old adage that people do not look each other in the eye when being deceitful so they go out of their way to maintain the contact, because they are concentrating so hard on keeping the eye contact with you, they forget to blink!

Too Many Details

Everyone has events happen that may delay them or keep them away from time to time, but a classic tactic of the liar is to fill in so many details that you will be astounded by the richness of their story, after all, who would take the time to fabricate the color of the shirt their buddy was wearing and how he had a mustard stain on it???? It’s fabricating an alibi……….the more details, the more believable, so why would you double check? Usually these “details” are fragments based on fact, but if you get a six paragraph, detailed explanation of an event, something is up, (or covered up).

Outrageous Stories

Prevaricators tend to hold to the premise that the more outrageous the story, the more likely it is to be true! After all, if a loose alligator in the state of Ohio showed up on their lawn, then traveled around the property snapping phone and power lines with its’ mighty jaws, and then coming to rest on the front porch blocking the only exit route, how on earth could they have called you when they said they would? They were trapped in their own home for God’s sake!!! Didn’t you see it on the local news??

Righteous Silence

OOOOOOH, this one is hard to spot, you must be very careful just in case it is a “righteous silence”, typically this is used early on in a relationship before any lies have been “caught”. When you question your subject, they take the stance of “I’m not even going to qualify that with a response”. Righteous silence lies are very difficult to root out, as, perhaps the subject truly was honest, but if the hints above preceded the righteous silence, well, then, you know that it is an act to manipulate you into believing their story. You usually find out that righteous silence lies were fabricated long after the lie is told because of the high risk of negative confrontation if the subject is actually being truthful. Keep your eyes open for this behavior, if it happens every single time you have an innocent question, the person who is being this self-defensive could well be telling you fibs.

Having a Bad Day? Just Start Over!!!

Brigid Bishop — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 00:20:00 GMT

I've had two very, very bad days in a row. Everyone goes through cycles where things just don't go right for them.

Yesterday, my DH had a mishap with my Boxer Girls and (although they are just fine), they gave him the slip and came dangerously close to being injured by a moving vehicle. My heart was in my throat as I watched in horror from my office window as they darted out into the street, from the back of our Envoy and a car came speeding around the corner toward them. Truly, the Grace of God kept them from getting hurt. DH learned a little lesson there about why I do things the way that I do..........he was just as upset as I was.

It took me about twelve hours to calm down, didn't sleep well, and then, well, then TODAY happened.

I use a cable internet phone system to work with Keen, have been successfully doing so for over eleven months, and guess what? Today, for no apparent rhyme or reason, it just stopped working. Spent numerous hours disconnecting, reconnecting, contacting CS at both Keen and my phone provider, but to no avail, so I apologize to all of my loyal clients who had problems connecting with me today.......it was just a bad day.

So what do I do when I have a bad day? Or two?

I start over.

It is 5:25 p.m. EST, and I am going to go take a long, hot shower to wash away the stress, lavendar sounds nice for it's calming and cleansing energy. I am then going to approach my "work day" as if I have had absolutely no stressors whatsoever. I will have dinner, and return to work tonight as if I had no problems at all today.........

I'm taking a "DO OVER" and resetting my own personal universe...lol.

So, I will be available tonight for your calls and callbacks until approximately 1 a.m. EST. Hope you are having a better day than I did! :)

Please browse my blog for articles of interest, many clients find the category "Brigid Bishop, Relationship Coach" of use. Thank you!

Are You The “Other Woman”?

Brigid Bishop — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 21:35:00 GMT

Are You The “Other Woman”?

There are two sides to every story, and sometimes there may actually be three or four.

Someone is going to be hurt.

That’s a cold hard fact.

It is the rare situation indeed where one partner is cheating and either the original partner or the outside partner does not get hurt.

You will also be spending most, if not all, major holidays alone, while he is enjoying the company of his family, including his spouse.

You will be living in the shadows.

The question you must ask yourself is, what kind of a relationship do you really want?

Do you want to suffer through the uncertainty, possibly years, of wondering if he is ever going to get divorced? Has he ever even mentioned the “D” word to you?

Do you want a man that can take you out in public and share 100% of his life with you, or are you satisfied with 50% or less?

Are you prepared for the backlash that is likely to occur if your affair is ever discovered by his wife and children? It is not likely to be pleasant.

If your bond to him is so strong that you feel that you are ready and willing to deal with this uncomfortable situation, then here are some ways to cope.

Set a time limit for your affair.

In all of this, you must consider as well, how he speaks of his current wife.

The Dating Game by Brigid Bishop

On The Outside Looking In

The Newly "BED" Game

Tough Love In the Garden of Eden

Thyme In a Bottle

Why Do People Cheat?

*Reposted from June 2008 by Client Request*

David Letterman Comes Clean on National TV

Brigid Bishop — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 22:52:00 GMT

First of all, as we all well know, with celebrity comes "high risk" for sexual dalliances. Affairs are an individual choice, and based on each individual's moral compass.

I felt that Mr. Letterman's public confession was laced with humor and humility in order to preemptively diffuse a volatile situation. Coming straight out and admitting what he has done was the best way to make an ugly situation less venomous.

He may or may not lose his show, that will be up to his network executives, but consider, we did not impeach Bill Clinton for his adulterous behavior, why should a talk show host be held to a higher standard than the President of the United States?

It's hard for some people to refrain from casting judgement on a man who openly admits to having affairs with staff members, but honestly, if the affairs were mutually consensual , who really cares except for the parties involved? It is up to Mrs. Letterman to decide as to whether or not she can forgive her husband, whether or not she wishes to continue her marriage, and the public should respect that.

The paramours that Mr. Letterman cavorted with will also have a choice, as he publicly stated. They will need to choose as to whether or not they wish to share their experiences with the general public or not. Money will be flying at them with offers for interviews and books and such I am sure. Each that has had an actual experience with David Letterman will be making that choice on their own,there is nothing that Mr. Letterman can do to stop that as it is a part of their own life story, and they own it.

I personally am glad that the extortionist who wanted to steal someone else's life experience and make a fortune from it has been stopped in his tracks. Now that Mr. Letterman has "stolen his thunder" he will be viewed as little more than a stalker, a voyeur into so many other people's lives.

Affairs happen every day at every socio-economic level. Some are more interesting than others because they involve public figures and thus draw us much as moths to a flame. I am sure in the upcoming weeks the headlines will be full of "Shocking Details About David Letterman's Affairs", and he seems to be psychologically preparing for it as best he can.

I can only state that I feel that Mr. Letterman took the high road in sharing his personal humiliation with his audience, and that he did so with a sense of humor and humility, as he refers to his own "creepy" behavior.

Celebrity or not, he is only human after all.