Carmen's Mirror

Are you 'empathically bonded' to each other forever?

Carmen miro — Tue, 20 May 2008 18:05:00 GMT

How does one get someone to make up their mind? You are both in each other’s thoughts, or in a relationship but there is no start or end point…how does one begin to understand or nurture a relationship at the point of limbo?
This issue arises out of multiple situations…how do you ‘change’ a person’s mind about letting you go or remaining with you?

How does one let go, if the other person has not moved on their decision making? Or, how does one get someone to comprehend that you are interested in them if they are stuck in a negative world view of relationships?

First off, to a degree, sometimes you are already locked into a dynamic, and this is causing mutual angst, which then ‘blocks’ any advancement in the decision making process….the person is either flaking out, or not interested in giving up a point of power they have so carefully nurtured? What results is often a slag in the dynamic, or a climactic end point, which leave neither party with resolution…

Firstly, the person aware of this ‘block’ has to begin by erecting boundaries. This can be done in small ways, not always huge overtures or demands, but by subtle communication and exchange. I will cite an example:

One of my clients has been seeing a young woman for some time now. She has had a very difficult past, and this makes it tough for her to create healthy attachments. It also prevents her from being assertive, and occasionally she will ‘fall in’ with the wrong men, due to this issue. She then overcompensates with the one man who does nurture her, by being defensive to this person.

This client created a space for her to feel comfort and peace in, but due to her abusive background, she created more problems, and tends to push him further away. It’s been proven that people in abusive situations will look for similar situations in their future, to compensate, because that is all they have been used to. When confronted with a ‘real’ relationship, or scenario that could offer them a good future, they may balk at this point, because it feels alien to them to be in a good situation, possibly due to their fear of eventual abandonment, after all maybe one can expect a relationship with someone who is bad for you to fail, thus giving the person a different but more comfortable security base, even if it seems erroneous, and this allows them to feel in control by being in a relationship that may fail, as they know the outcome in their hearts.

What my client suffers with greatly, is the ability to tune out of her emotional needs. He feels her pain, and feels her needs. He used to assume responsibility for this person, even though there is not much he could do to really help her. He is ‘empathically bound’.

Some points must be reiterated:

1) Even if a person loves you, their love does not equal follow through – so feeling their love may be genuine, but you may not ‘see’it - and thus their lack of follow through may result as problematic as you may want to ‘fix’ the person ( codependence ) or because one enjoys the feeling of knowing they love you.

2) ACCEPT that they may love you, and ACCEPT this may not change. This is extremely important as it will free you from the cycle of thinking you can fix this. Sometimes, some people are in their situations, just because they need to learn something, and you cannot prevent that from occurring. You cannot speed it along or change their world view.

3) Start looking for patterns in the relationship to attain a point of reliability. Even negative behavior has discernable patterns.

Is the pattern abusive or loving? This needs to be ascertained.

Is this person deliberately keeping this vague, because they don’t know better, or is it in reaction to certain visits, certain points in time?

What is the predominant pattern? Is it one of need? Is it one of defensiveness? Is it abusive?

All these categories are very different and need to be parsed, or separated, to be fully understood. Also, if one can feel a person’s pain, what is your part in this?

Do you enjoy connecting with this person emotionally, even if it is painful?

What in you craves this attention?

Pay attention to these details, and you may get an answer, without the much needed acknowledgement or conversation, just through behavioral patterns.

Sometimes, there may not even be an answer, and we may have to submit to that, and then, accept, and let go….accepting to let go is the hardest part, but in learning patterns, one recognizes that changes in the future, depending on the person’s personality type and their life experiences, may be hard, and we can also anticipate what their next ‘action’ or ‘inaction’ may be.

Often the other person will even empathically ‘detect’ that you are letting them ‘go’ to do their own thing, and resistance lessens. Or they will not be able to continuously over commit and then pull back, to give you the sense of their loving you, because they know it wont affect you as much. Now wouldn’t that be an improvement?

I would also really recommend creating a list for yourself of patterns this person seems to have. For example:

Monday: Had a nice visit, and good follow up text messages
Tuesday: Had a depressing talk because the person is back tracking on their last visit, for fear of feeling vulnerable
Wednesday: Didn’t talk all day.
Thursday: Had a nice visit, followed up by reassurance….
Friday: Didn’t hear from the person
Etc.

So if you can glean patterns over a period of time, you will start understanding the person’s weak points. Do visits followed up with too much comfort push them away?

Should one erect boundaries and not text back as enthusiastically? Then should one place a ban on too many visits, so that this person doesn’t feel pushed or the need to control the situation?

What my client did was, make leaving him for her easier. They both were having a hard time letting go, but she wanted to break out of her relationship cycle, and make a new future for herself, not dependent upon men or relationships… He offered up some furniture to help her on her move and settling her into a new home, thus allowing her to have more of a sense of control, not interdependence.

He also very clearly stated his need for independence and letting go, and coupled with good deeds, she wont be as defensive.

I still have some hope that they will now be able to continue being friends in the very least, by his ACCEPTING her as she is, not ACCEPTING that his is something he created ( guilt and denial ), and ACCEPTING she may not be able to move past her abuse issues and finally ACCEPTING it as over even just for now.

Just even the grand energetic expression of ACCEPTANCE will be felt by the other party, allowing for a calmer free flow of energy, which creates forgiveness, understanding, mutual expression, and hopefully, a new start for both of you, with or without each other.

One cannot force a decision out of someone, but we can change the way we perceive their decision. If indeed we do care for this person we will be able to help them along their karmic path, which is a true expression of selfless love. This will create a life lasting bond, as opposed to the constant need for approval or disapproval. This relationship will be based on real trust, as your partner will sense your confidence, and they will gain the idea that you have confidence in yourself and in them, which is tantamount to the highest form of respect you can show someone, especially yourself.

At this point, empathic bonds should start releasing…remember, they are never EVER completely severed with anyone, but you can choose as to whether to listen to them or not. That will come with confidence and self esteem created through self control and boundary building.

Mutual Telepathic Obsession

Carmen miro — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 19:26:00 GMT

Question: If we are interested in each other, why doesn't it move ahead, and why can't I let go?

One of the major factors I have found in letting go of that back and forth empathic energy, that can lead to major obsessive traits in relationships, is being able to accept that the person is ‘into’ you. The major problem with obsessive empathic or no physical relationship, and a strong bond, is that usually both partners seem to have a self esteem issue, but they don’t tend to vocalize or act on the relationship, thus intensifying the relationship.

I have found that there are ways around this. I have been discussing this intensively with my clients, and there is a common factor – that many times the person calling has the ‘doubt factor’ lodged in their consciousness. This comes across in statements such as

“Do you really think he likes me?” or “If he likes me so much, why doesn’t he make the move?”

At this point it’s very important to turn the dial to your object of interest. His or her issue may be that they think the very same things you wonder about – that you may not be interested, and often this is due to their own self esteem issue. So this is another example of ‘bounce-back’ or feelings being shared, and often, the other party picks up the same problem unconsciously about you, and wonders the same thing.

This makes for a limbo that may be cyclical if you don’t change the pattern. The pattern can be changed in a couple of ways:

1)Ask yourself: Are you a perfectionist? Do you idealize relationships, and if they don’t work out, do you start obsessing over how you could be the person who didn’t work hard enough to make it work, or start up?

2)You must start working on the way you see yourself. Ask yourself, am I the insecure one?

3)You must start thinking about the other person’s feelings – ask yourself, is this person maybe also insecure? Don’t listen to what the person is saying or conveying - look at WHY they may be trying to convey and realize that they may also be insecure.

Daily, remind yourself, even if you don’t feel that way, that you ARE beautiful, someone CAN love you, it’s just YOU who may not accept that. Often just accepting that your object of interest does love you, will mitigate or lessen the obsessive tendencies.

If that is the case, then there is still hope for something to turn around. You can project emotion to that person that you ACCEPT that they adore you, but are too shy to do anything about it, and you should start to not take it as seriously – you haven’t done anything ‘wrong’. Take away the self blame.

This will open up telepathic ‘ease of access’ which this person can start unconsciously picking up on. This will also help you in your ideas in self esteem. Look at this as an exercise in consciously seeing *yourself* in a better light, and you will understand, that you have manifested the mirror of how you see yourself in that other person.

Once you have accepted that you are indeed beautiful, hot, amazing, titillating, intelligent and *worthy* you will gain more confidence to move this forward. Think about maybe dropping the shyness patterns between you to, and take a step forward - call the person, move it forward, ask them out.

There would be a likelihood of two results: They may either stay stuck in their own self esteem issues and not respond, or more likely, they will respond back.:)

If they do not respond, you will gain the freedom of knowing where you stand, thus taking away the insecurity that breeds obsession, and you will be freer to move on. You will also aquire more confidence by having 'dealt' with the problem at hand, and not letting it control you anymore.

You at this point should be able to move on, knowing it’s not *you* the prevented this from evolving.

The other person will often sense your confidence, and may be able to act on their desires more – this is a byproduct of being able to raise your own self esteem.

On the other hand, now you will have raised your manifestory energy to a level, with your new self esteem, so that you can attract a more confident mate, who will act on their feelings.

This process can be applied to all relationships, and in grounding your energy with people, you will find they will be more open to relating to you, because they will sense that you are a person with good self esteem, something that is very attractive.

I find acceptance is the key to letting go of someone’s energy – accepting that they may never respond as a worse case scenario, accepting that they do like you – that they are probably mirroring your emotions – and you will also be able to accept yourself, thus letting go or moving into your new life more easily without the endless questions as to whether you caused or prevented this relationship from moving on, something that this person may have done with anyone besides you, because of their poor self esteem and inability to act on a relationship.

The Power in Empathic Choice Making

Carmen miro — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 19:18:00 GMT

This is a story illustrating what the power of strong thought decisions can do for a relationship. Thank you dear Client, for your story…

A client comes to me at the beginning of a passionate relationship. She had been through a bit of heartbreak to get to a point of balance her life , and she was reluctant to let a new relationship emerge, unless it was on her terms.

Her object d’amour was crazy about her but there was one issue – he was still involved with his girlfriend. She was ambivalent about becoming his lover or girlfriend till she knew for sure what his intent was for his girlfriend. He had been involved with her for a while. I saw that he had a financial connection to this womanwhich - I felt he owed her something , and this was a major reason he felt indebted to her, and this kept him from feeling he could leave her.

Working with Client X, we decided she should start seeing him, but with the idea in mind that if he didn’t end his relationship with his girl, that she would have to move on. My client was serious. She had reached a point of stability that she didn’t want to intentionally destroy, and moreover she didn’t want to cause the girlfriend grief. So we hatched a plan.

My client put up a series of boundaries to prevent him from rushing into their relationship too quickly. She also needed to ascertain when he was with ending the relationship with his friend. So we decided that she should proceed with caution, bearing in mind that he may be in a financial bind with his girlfriend, and we wanted to ascertain if this relationship would work for her in the short term, under her conditions. In my experience, curiosity doesn’t always kill the cat, it can make for well informed decisions, and some foresight.

It was getting intense between them, so she called and asked me what she should do. We both agreed the next meeting was the time to put up the final boundary – that he should cut his girlfriend loose, or lose her. She was cocked and ready….the meeting ensued….

The next call was celebratory.

“Guess what Carmen, you were right – he owed her money, and today he paid her back,
and broke it off with her!”

So that was a happy beginning. Her interesting question I want to address with you was this:

“What Carmen do you think changed between our last meeting and this one, that made him make the exact decision that I was going to force him to make?”

I thought about it, and realized YES! The Power of Empathy! This man was so closely linked to her, that he had sensed her decision, a strong emotionally based but serious decision that she was going to break it off with him, if he couldn’t make the decision to leave his girlfriend. Before she was able to utter those words, he told her he had made that choice.

My theory on this matter is that she sent through an empathic impression strong enough for him to receive it and act on it in the correct timing. It’s not like he thought; “ I feel she is going to end it with me Thursday if I don’t end it with XXXXX. “

It was more his subsequent choice based on the strong and vindicated contagion of her thoughts about the girlfriend that was more unconsciously received, but he caught it anyway, and in time, ended the relationship.

This is a good example how your thoughts, good or bad, are not only yours. Your partner will pick them up.

Have you ever noticed, that you would have a plan with a friend and all of sudden you don’t feel like seeing them that night – only to find out later that they cancelled on you that day anyway?

Either you thought

A) “ I am not in the mood for a meeting’ and she picked it up,

or she thought

B) " I am not in the mood for a visit today’ and sent the message to you.

This is another example of empathic choice in action.

So what changed, my dear client, was that you made the choice, based on his intentions, on how to manage the relationship in your favour – and your partner picked up on it, subconsciously!

Be careful what you think and feel towards someone, they will catch it. They may not catch it by verbatim, but they will get the feeling, and grow closer or farther apart. In this case, we were able to use his openness and his looking for an opportunity to leave his ex, to get that message through. And it got through before he would possibly have become disempowered by her rightful demand, for an honest start to a relationship.

Use it, use it well. People listen, even if they don’t know it. Think loving thoughts to
people you love, they will become closer to you. Think ill of someone, and nothing will be solved. This is the power of Empathic Choice making.

Thought Transference and changing emotional associations

Carmen miro — Mon, 10 Mar 2008 20:40:00 GMT

A client gave me some interesting insight on my last blog posting, as she felt she was in part to blame for her relationship problems, in not being able to change her attitude towards the relationship.

In the last blog entry I mentioned how one has to try and change the approach one has towards a relationship. This client was frustrated, because she thought she would have to change herself completely. This is not the case!

For example, in her partnership, both her and her partner are very stubborn. As a result, there is very little movement forward, because stubbornness can a direct result of successful implementation of survival techniques – I don’t think people choose to be stubborn – to me it’s more of a boundary that people erect in order to protect themselves, to survive confrontations, like a form a self-assertion.

In this case, as both partners were stubborn, I suggested that she be the first to change a part of this equation; by perhaps letting go of the past, and on this she replied:

“But I can’t do this so easily, I am so stubborn!”

I reminded her that one of the reasons she may be holding onto her stubbornness is because it has served her well in the past. A very good book to read on this type of ‘shadow’ emotional reaction, is a book by Debbie Ford, entitled “Dark side of the Shadow Chasers”.

In this book, the author illustrates how certain perceived ‘bad’ traits, are actually often of benefit to us. Take anger as an example. A person with an anger issue may be perceived by others as anger being the way they ‘win’ or maintain control and this can be seen as agressive and non productive – and this association makes it harder for them to let go of their ability to control their feelings of anger. The angrier they get at themselves for being angry, the more the feeling self perpetuates. What one forgets to acknowledge though, is that anger is an important agent in self protection and that without it, we wouldn’t assert ourselves.

So my first answer to my client would be this: You don’t need to stop feeling your anger/stubborness towards your ex, you can still hold onto what has kept you safe in your past – but that you can try and look at him and most importantly yourself from a different perspective, so that your partner can sense that you are not resenting them continuously.

She agreed that if she could be less stubborn, as a result he may also become more flexible about their relationship as they may be sharing emotions ( this being an empathic transference ) but she seemed unsure as to how to ‘do’ this.

I would suggest the following:

1) Try just for once, in one situation in your life, if this person is invaluable to you, to alter your perception of the relationship. Not your attitude towards the person – but your perception of the way things went wrong. This can be done through counseling, writing, and practice and most importantly, time.

2) Don’t expect your feelings to dissolve overnight. Sometimes change is imperceptible. Our own views of ourselves can become myopic if we look at things too closely. Expect some time for this change to evolve.

3) I find starting off with smaller projects can be helpful in giving one confidence
at initiating emotional changes. For example, this client could practice being
more flexible with other people first, before she applies it to her relationship. She may notice that changing her stubbornness may be easier than she anticipated, and in approaching things on a less grandiose scale, it may help her see that she can indeed, not always be stubborn, and that her buried flexibilty will serve her better in certain circumstances.

4) Most imporantly, embrace what you perceive as your 'negative' traits, so that you can recognise what triggers them, and also so you can recognise the way they have helped you. I am a great believer that self-acceptance is the vehicle towards change.

Remember it’s not realistic to change completely – or to expect applying changes immediately – but one can use these lessons in relationships to explore new avenues in our consciousness, and expand our personal horizons.

Thought Transference and the re-emergence of a relationship

Carmen miro — Wed, 05 Mar 2008 16:51:00 GMT

A couple is getting back together, after a long break, and they both feel some resentment at the other person’s behavior or reason for leaving. My clients ask: How does one
prevent the bad feelings or emotions from ‘re-infecting’ or affecting the re-emerging relationship?

For example, you both want to get back together, but you find yourself in that person’s presence and feeling angry. I often remind my clients to mind their thoughts, as their
partners can pick up on them, and the question of how to prevent this emotional transference arises. By this I mean, that the two people involved can pick up on each other’s negative feelings, and then assume the same feelings, and thus, the relationship gets stuck in a limbo-like situation, because both of you feel the same negative feelings about the past.

If one is to maintain a clean bill of telepathic health, how can one alter one’s feelings towards the past, so that you both can move forward in your relationship quickly?

I would suggest the following:

1) Identify what your triggers are: By this I mean, what in this person triggers bad feelings?
Is it where you meet? Is it the way you communicate? Is it a past relationship before this person came along, that makes you defensive? When we can anticipate our triggers we can mitigate their effect, by not placing the full responsibility of your feelings on this person.

2) Avoid seeing this person when you are in a generally bad mood, as one can transfer one’s emotions onto the person, as they may interpret your mood as a re-emergence of your resentment.

3) In this person’s presence, remind yourself to ground your energy, so that your emotions don’t reach out like tentacles ‘reinforcing’ the bad feelings towards the person you love. By grounding I mean you should take all your emotions and transfer them into the earth, anchor your being to the ground, and envision all your emotions draining into the earth.

4) Build a vision of the future with both of you. Stop thinking about why you broke up, and stop reiterating your need for closure or control over this pain. Sometimes, one has to accept that closure comes through giving up control over a situation, and that it cannot be forced by altering the other person’s attitude, through an apology ( though helpful ) or by hoping the past will change. The situation is what it is, and accepting the loss will be more helpful than dwelling on the past.

5) Accept responsibility: This is tantamount as there are always two sides to the coin. One can accept the lesson that perhaps even through all the pain, we accepted being with this person, when we knew that they possibly would not be good for you. If you really had no idea that you were going to be hurt by this person, accept the responsibility that you are now carrying these emotions, and that you can accept whether you want to limit them, or still feel them. We are the active conveyors of our own emotions.

With some of these techniques, you should be able to start feeling better around this person. Your love interest will begin feeling the difference, and this may start a chain reaction of their renewing their trust in you. Remember that they probably carry a lot of guilt, and guilt is not conducive to bringing you both back together.

At the point that this person may not sense as much of your resentment anymore, you should be able to both move into your new beginning easier. This is in essence the practice of forgiveness, but it is also important to remember, that we must forgive ourselves for being in love with someone who hurt us – something that our society doesn’t always accept easily. Society’s mantra is ‘move on – leave behind the past – if this person is bad for you, let them go’ – but I deal with clients all the time who still want to be with someone who hurt them ( hurt is a mostly normal process in relationships ) and they have to accept their fallibility and that they are in love with this person, that it is natural to miss them, and allow themselves to feel these feelings, even if they feel unsupported, or if they feel they ‘shouldn’t be with that person’.

Accept that person as you would want to be accepted, and accept the lesson that spirit has
sent you.

Once that responsibility is realized, you will see the beauty and necessity in the Lesson sent to you, and you can look forward towards a resolution, if you are both are meant to be together again.

Seeing the potential and possibilities in loss

Carmen miro — Thu, 28 Feb 2008 19:56:00 GMT

In order for me to learn the art of manifestation, I had to lose almost everything in Africa. This lesson I wish to convey to you now, is that true manifestation cannot begin without the deep knowledge of what we have, how blessed we are, and how grateful we must remain, in order to ascend on our particular path.

I had to return to Africa to visit my friends, my father who is still enterred in a very dangerous country, and to find the secrets to all my questions on empathy, and manifestation. This message was conveyed to me in a very powerful, and terrifying way, but I survived it.

About a month before I left I had a dream that I was going to be gutted ( my belly was slit open ), on the shorelines of Mozambique ( a country I was going to be visiting ) and that I was crying in my hospital gown. I knew then that a tragic change was coming, but the plane was booked, and the trip had been planned and paid for. I also had to see my father, who I had not seen in years, and so I boarded the plane to Johannesburg.

Upon my second evening in Johannesburg, some professional burglars from our reputable moving company entered our home by drugging us – they sprayed a drug into our home via keyholes and drainpipes, and in our sleep, while the dogs and my father and I were unconscious we were robbed. I awoke traumatized knowing full well that these men would have been armed, and that my life had been spared, purely by my being asleep.

Our computers and tech equipment and some money was stolen. I then had to gather myself together and enter into another third world country within days of that event to meet an old love, to finish off something, which should have been ended 15 years ago.

This person had changed, and the stress and the horrors we witnessed on our voyage caused such tension we had to part. So much of my vacation was spent trying to survive a country ravaged by civil war, being financially ripped off, consuming possibly infected foods, encountering bandits, poor road conditions, corrupt police and border officials and terrible drivers.

In particular being in a border line up for 10 hours in 35 degree heat reminded me to my core as to how lucky I am to be on this continent, with my passport, my health care, my job and my education. I do not have HIV, I do not have TB. I was not carrying a baby on my back without water for us, and I had enough money to get through every twist and turn. But seeing the suffering these people go through was alarming and a huge awakening to my soul, that I am indeed, karmically blessed.

Once I reached my destination and rested up for a few days, I managed to leave the country via plane, as the road conditions were too poor to return on, and barely did so, as the airport officials were looking for any way to detain us. Every tourist in turn just wanted to get home – one young man abandoned his pride and joy – his jeep, and just left it in Mozambique, he had been so scarred by his experiences.

Fortunately I had many other positive experiences with these lovely Mozambiquans, an industrious, hard working and grateful people, who understood suffering and joy and helped me along the way. It seemed the more I recognized how lucky I was, the more I was being protected. All the way through my voyage I felt protection, and there was only one moment when I was truly afraid – but then it vanished as I had the strongest sense that I was going to make it home.

I made it home! I re-entered the home that had been violated, and then promptly went off in search of reconciliation with the Africa of my childhood ( as I had been brought up there ) and went onto Botswana. There I made many friends, helped and was helped by many people, and encountered true gratitude.

From the Botswanans who really know they can live off what the earth provides them, to the refugees from Zimbabwe and other African countries, all the spirits I met were those of strength, character and gratitude. I cannot think of one person who was deeply dissatisfied with life, as they loved life, merely because they had survived so much, and appreciated how much of a richer person it had made them.

Imagine this. Botswana is the strength and backbone of the African economy now – and it has the potential to lead Africa into a new century. But the official numbers for HIV are
at 60% - meaning that it’s more leaning to 80% - and higher. This nation is dying. Yet still, there was laughter everywhere, and people were gathering their food from the trees, and loving each other, and accepting and helping me, and trying to start their own Safari businesses in earnest, because they saw POSSIBILITIES in loss.

I made it back to Canada. I lost more than my personal computer and money – all my personal information was stolen and misused ( something that can happen to any of you if your computer is stolen ) and I feel I went through complete catharsis. Though it was very traumatic, I can assure you I am a happier person. :)

I feel this is because I am truly living in gratitude now. Because in every situation I was in, I had enough, was provided with enough shadow from the heat, enough water to get through the day, enough nuts and raw foodstuffs to nourish me, and enough stories and friendship to help my spirit. So what if I had the misadventure of a lifetime? I am alive and I am truly living in gratitude.

So many of us, myself included, are dissatisfied with the lives we live. Through the media, and consumerism, we are told we are not enough. That to be ‘enough’ we have to have more. And more. And more. And that if we don’t we are societal failures, and non entities, in a world becoming increasingly isolated from spirit.

But sometimes, it takes losing it all, to appreciate everything you still have, and how much sweeter things taste when things return to normal. Now I can take on any problem, any challenge, or any failure as a blessing for better change to come, and I can truly manifest the best for myself out of true gratitude – and out of joy for living.

It always takes suffering, to become grateful. Without gratitude in life, there is no meaning. Without gratitude, we cannot truly manifest our purpose. So please take from this story a reminder that we in the north are truly blessed in what we have, and that we should not squander our resources or deny ourselves joy, because we believe we are less than we actually are. Even those people in Africa I spoke to, live in peace with their own fate, as they are masters of survival, and walk proudly on this earth because of it.

Live in Gratitude my friends – and be in peace…..

Sincerely

Are Advisors more 'jaded' about relationships because of the work we do?

Carmen miro — Thu, 21 Feb 2008 21:12:00 GMT

Recently a client asked me, if my views on relationships affected the way I saw outcomes in readings.

Firstly – I had to remind the client, that I do not make long term predictions, due to my own life philosophy. I believe that we have the power to affect the way we approach the eventual outcome, and this can greatly alter your perception of it.

Secondly – I read perceptions of situations. By this I mean, that I am an empath and that I see *your* or the person you wish to read his worldview. I do this in several ways.

If I have a few minutes to do a reading, I will employ Tarot reading techniques, which will be accurate, unless one has an unusual bias on the situation. By unusual, I mean, not being open minded.

Secondly, if I have more time ( and I can sense the time a person has for a reading ) I will use purely empathic ways to ascertain intent. I do this simply by stepping into their soulprint or mind, and this is a more emotional sense I have, which I simply cannot bias.

This method is sometimes more reliable than a Tarot reading in ascertaining intent, as I get so much information during a Tarot reading ( intent, present events, possible outcomes and hopes and desires and analytical information ) that to empathically connect gives me the purest sense of what a person’s intentions are.

Thirdly, I will get ‘visions’ or imagery associated with my readings, usually when I connect empathically to someone. These are straight forward, and usually acknowledged by the client.

And most importantly, I tell you the truth in what I see.

One caller had had a seven minute call with me, and complained about a result of a possible outcome, which had changed several months later. This was despite the fact, that I tried to explain to her in the time we had, that I do not make long term predictions – that I only see things in the short term. She expressed that perhaps I had too negative of a world view on relationships, and that she ‘hoped’ it wouldn’t affect my future readings.

A little on myself here: You cannot find a more optimistic, and realistic reader than Carmen. I have traveled in many parts of the world, and lived in many different places, making me very objective. This objectivity is expressed in understanding of your current circumstances. I have expressed before that I do not make predictions, but the moment a client finds out I am accurate with the present, they usually try and coax a long term prediction out of me. No amount of disclaimers will allow the client to ‘hear’ what I am really trying to say….that it does not work with my personal philosophy to corner a client into a long term hope or fear.

Without getting too personal about myself ( and I know you were hoping I would be :)! )
I can assure you, that I am not embittered by my own relationships, I have only grown into a stronger, more confident person because of them. I will always accept a viable opportunity, but they are based on my parameters and boundaries. These are not extreme – but trust, communication and direction for the future are the most important things for me.

Many clients come to me in difficult times. I do not feel that these difficult times define the client. They define a point of growth in their lives. This growth can be a very positive thing. I do not believe in the ‘perfect’ relationship – but I believe in imperfection great satisfaction can grow, and the sooner we let go of the myth of the ‘perfect relationship’ – or in other words, the myth of ‘the perfect self’ the sooner we can accept our own shortcomings and those of others.

This is to me a state of bliss, not a state of fear. Thus I know, that once many of us have learnt from our mistakes, we will master our own fears and grow beyond them.

So to the person who was ‘concerned’ that my romantic view was tainted – let’s remember that advisors actually hear the truth about people that they wont tell even their best friends – and that we are privileged in learning from those truths. Rather than turning it into a point of despair, I regard each client as a learning vessel from which I can glean good wisdom, for myself, and the next client.

Maybe there is a perfect relationship out there – I don’t know that answer yet – but I am open to it. Far from being narrow about the lessons, I welcome them, and hope it will bring me closer to finding the truths within people’s hearts, all so beautiful, even in the actions brought about by fear or consequence.

I don’t think Advisors are jaded – I feel they are either too optimistic ( and that’s a good thing too ) or realistically trying to help *you* by telling you what THEY SEE – and not what they believe.

Thus is my philosophy and remember this: If you are a good person – there are many good people like you, out there, waiting to meet you.

Blessed be,

Feeling lonely on this day? You are not the only one..!

Carmen miro — Thu, 14 Feb 2008 18:04:00 GMT

One of the greatest privileges of being an advisor, is that I hear the true stories of people in relationships. I believe we advisors are privy to the deepest secrets and truths that your best girlfriend, partner, or an acquaintance would never reveal to you. The truth is such; most of us, if not all of us have experiences in heartbreak, loss and guilt associated with relationships.

Many of my callers and friends ask themselves the same question: Why do my relationships fail?

This has been conveyed by poets, authors, artists and philosophers over the centuries. It seems the human condition is ubiquitous and transcends continents, culture and the evolution of mankind.

Think of it this way: The Advisor hears true accounts of relationships from people in complete confidence.. These are not simply people who are dysfunctional or codependent. My clients are perceptive, intelligent, and professional and have common complaints. Why did he leave me? What did I do to cause him to leave? Why is he not coming back? Why did he lie? Why did I let this go on for so long? When is this going to end?

I heard from a friend in Mozambique, Africa, who is writingto me and asking the same question right now. Why can’t I attract the right love? What is wrong with me? Will I ever find love? These are his major concerns in a poverty stricken country, barely surviving the ravages of civil war.

What I perceive, is that Love is a luxury, afforded by those who can take the time to
invest in themselves. One has to find love in oneself first to attain true love, and even then, many people struggle with relationships into their later years. Some people give up, and learn to enjoy life simply being, and they often remain content into their remaining years, choosing to concentrate on their passions, hopes and desires, without a life partner.

Even friendships can be challenging. In our society, friendships and relationships are meant to be illogically easy to attain. One thing I woke up to though, was that truly, only a few people in our lives, are reliable, stable and trustworthy. Often friends go through changes in their lives, that can reveal inconsistency, deception and callousness. Forgive those friends, because often these changes will bring about spiritual evolution in them. I have witnessed major change in people, through crisis, and hear stories about people, that would help you understand, that they learn from their lessons, and are able to transcend the past, and that reconciliation is possible.

In the West, we are so used to communication, media influences, and easy fixes,
that we are hypnotized into thinking that relationships, money and power are meant to be infallible.

I spoke to a woman in South Africa, about relationships. She is a single mother of a child – she is very intelligent and has survived a tremendously challenging life. I asked her – “Do you have many friends”?

She looked at me as if I were deranged, and said: “No! No ways! I only have my sister, and she looks after my son!”

It seems if we are to look at the bigger picture in life, sometimes survival and self protection is more valuable than friendships. After all, if one cannot protect oneself, how can one expect to make good, solid friendships that will stand up to time?

Let’s forget all about text messaging, email, the media, material attainment, and the myriad of illusions which beset our culture. Let’s try and remember that we are all essentially on our own…that it is up to us to fall in love with ourselves, and that the true goal is to marry our friends. And maybe one day, we can hope for a good relationship, which will keep us content within ourselves.

If you feel alone on Valentine’s Day – don’t despair. Remember what confessions advisors, counselors and psychologists hear every day – the insecurities, loneliness and fear that you feel, is felt by almost everyone – but as individuals, we tend to hide them, even from our closest friends, in order to appear strong to ourselves.

Let’s remember that self love is the most important aspect to our spiritual journey, and that once we have attained enlightenment of this degree, we will no longer be lonely.

Love to You All!

Reflections on Africa

Carmen miro — Mon, 11 Feb 2008 15:29:00 GMT

Last month I returned from Southern Africa. I went back home to visit my father for the first time in years, to visit my old home and say goodbye to my friends. My other hope was to unravel the ways of Empathy, in Africa, or a third world country. These are some of my observations;

I had my Tarot cards with me the whole trip, from South Africa to Mozambique and through Botswana, and used them faithfully to get out of dangerous situations. I tested food, people, choices, and learnt timing with cards ( as timing points are crucial in travel through Africa ) and I was pleased to note, that the cards responded intimately and immediately to my questions, and were very good in guiding us through the maze of difficult situations during travel. I believe the cards are a muse that make me more confident in my reading abilities, and they would respond easily and directly to some very important questions, as I needed my intuitive abilities to navigate through the country.

I can assure you, through other blogs that I will be writing, that empathy is extremely active on this continent, if not more so, for very important reasons. When in a dangerous situation, with no cell reception, no road signs and no email and little more than an idea of what direction one is going in, one’s perception is heightened.

I had many experiences where empathy and telepathy were well applied. Much of this was about communication. When I had friendly encounters with the locals, we were able to communicate well, even when 75% of our cross cultural language skills were missing. It seemed, when we *wanted* to communicate, that we could do so. One evening in particular, I sat with a friend, and under the darkness of the Mozambique night, and I gave this person a full Tarot reading, and he understood the reading well – it applied to him, and he understood the lesson. He even wrote me a month later requesting another reading…:)

I have found the empathic experiences I had were strongest in the rural areas. This is in part due to the lack of external stimuli we are usually bombarded with in the north. Even though I found most of Africa was wired for cell and internet use ( even in the middle of the bush ) there was little in terms of what we call ‘entertainment’, and as such, the people would bond more in family and friend groups, and these people were extremely good at telepathy.

One big lesson I have learnt, is that to travel through Africa wearing sunglasses even if required, is not a good idea when encountering people. Whether for meeting corrupt border officials, or when encountering police blocks on the roads – from dealing with local food sellers, to making friends – the sunglasses needed to be off. It seems that it is essential that people have to look into each other’s eyes to ascertain intent. Intent is the vehicle towards survival.

I reminded my father and travelling compantion along the journey, to remove their eyewear, at each checkpoint, and in looking directly into a person’s eyes, we seemed to get through to them easily. It was all about ascertaining whether we were people who had vulnerabilities, or something to hide. In this manner, I became adept at reading eyes, and was able to decide who to trust, and who not to. This stood us in very good stead, and possibly helped us on our way.

I would deduct that this journey taught me the importance of empathy in a third world. The good people, stick together, to avoid the bad people. This was observed throughout many different regions. Possibly, unknowingly, these people employ empathic techniques in order to survive. I was most impressed with their ease of transference, as though it was a way so natural to them, it had no words, nor needed any.

This is an introduction to my 5 week journey through the continent, from east to west, where I gained immense confidence in my abilities. There were moments I was mislead, possibly due to immediate survival concerns or panic, but still, almost every turn we took, and every person we met, guided us to our destination. It was as if I knew instinctively who to trust, and who not to.

This was indeed a very interesting journey into the unknown, and I will be happy to share more of this with you all...

In Gratitude,

Happy Birthday to me.....!

Carmen miro — Tue, 05 Feb 2008 20:18:00 GMT

Happy Birthday dear Carmen....Happy Birthday....lalalaaaaa. hip hip!

Due to my sun sign being in retrograde, which has caused massive computer issues and communication failures for me, I am going to be staying offline till about Friday. Should you have urgent issues, do make an appointment, or put yourselves on 'arrange a call' and I will take your call.

This event has caused so much havoc communication wise, I would advise caution with communication, computers, and travel till the 18th of February. As can be referenced in the fibre optic cable breakdown to India and the middle east, and thousands of stranded travellers in China, I am taking the advice of a fantastic astrologer friend, and keeping a low profile.

In Gratitude,

My Africa Sojourn - and my sincerest regret if you need me - but...

Carmen miro — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 14:37:00 GMT

I am away till the 15th of January. I am in South Africa, and I will be doing a road trip from east to west ( from Mozambique to Botswana ). I need to manage my off work time as working 30 days a month under a type of self imposed house arrest is not always productive so this this is my 'long weekend'.. This wholly is my (neurosis?) but I care so much about my clients, thus I am always there for you.

And now I am not!

I have spoken to many readers who like myself, spend 7 days a week, 12 hours a day logged in, at home, because that is the nature of a home based business. So really this is about me taking the time out, from worrying about you. :) I feel your pain, so I need to feel my own pain and laughter, so I can be a better counselor for you.

It's about me getting closure from my home, Africa. I need to visit my father, and friends I may never see again. This is about my mental preparation for the book I am publishing next year. And it's also about my needing to gain positive experiences to share with you, through my happy life experiences. I cannot do this realistically by working constantly - so here I am - in the south - preparing for our upcoming year.

Please forgive me, for absconding, if you needed me. I will still offer email readings, if you really need me. Please let me know before next Friday, so I can help you. I will be then be GONE for 3 weeks, on a cross africa trip, and you can imagine, it's taking it's toll on me, worrying about you guys. Please send me email to let me know you are ok, or to update me, you know I love and need to hear you are OK.

You are my life - my passion - my soul. I will be back with so much more clarity, consciousness, and a vision of hope. I have been meeting old friends ( and lovers ) and this brings me back to me true self and I have seen, that through all of our lives - through moving - through loss - through abandonment and fear - through breakups, death....through all the pain we traverse we all still will always come back to the source. Ourselves. And that we really are loved when we are ourselves.

Beyond that, I am seeing again, that any relationships that have problems - will and do often withstand the test of time. That is what love does. I am bringing back hope to you all. And that is my Holiday gift to you all :)

I am known as a more cynical ( realistic ) reader and I know this vacation is vital in closure, and clarity for me - and thus for you. Give me a month to put a different spin on things for you. I promise it will pay off.

Many happy days for 2007 for you - and may 2008 be ' the one'.

Respectfully,

Carmen Miro, Johannesburg, South Africa - waaaaay south, about 10 hours ahead of you.

Symbols in our waking life

Carmen miro — Mon, 26 Nov 2007 17:54:00 GMT

A client of mine had been needing to initiate a divorce, and with the support of a good female friend, he felt encouraged. This was that final push he needed to go ahead with it.

Since she was not single he never pursued a relationship, though they both developed feelings for each other. After their friendship had grown more intense, she suddenly pulled away. This happened around the time he formally initiated his divorce.

My client was left hurt and unable to let go of the pain she caused him at this time in his life. He is a loyal friend, and felt she should have been kinder to him, not just shut him out so suddenly and without explanation.

One day he called me and told me that he had been driving on his way home from work, on a major commuting highway.

Hundreds of thousands of cars were passing by. And lo, the one car he happened to drive up next to was that of that friend of his that had been tormenting him for the last few months!

He asked me, what was the symbolism of this occurrence? Did it mean that this person was not going to ‘leave’ his life, or worse, he was forever haunted and taunted?

We looked into the timing and steps leading up to the event.

*He ended up behind her car on the highway.

*He then had to pass her.

*She appeared not to see him.

*He then drove on by her, and along his way home.

To me this was an interesting message for him, brought about by a synchronicity in motion (literally!).

I asked him, if this had been a dream, how he would have interpreted this event?

If it were a dream, I would have thought the events showed how he felt second to her, and was often being more of a support for her and being more vulnerable to by her being (by driving behind her).

He then passed her on the road – surely that showed that he was on his way to
finally letting go of her? She didn’t even really notice – or pretended not to see his car
on this highway – and was this not analogous to her real life behaviour, which was the avoidant personality type?

She now wishes to be friends again, but my client has rejected her friendship. It was her
indirectness and thus the lack of respect she showed for him, that drove him away (mind the pun)! She never seemed to acknowledge his pain in real life, so just like the symbolic
event that occurred in real life, her eyes were set on the road ahead of her, not seeing his pain. This was one of the many reasons why he chose to let her go.

Many thanks for your story, dear client.

Why do we choose to be empaths?

Carmen miro — Thu, 15 Nov 2007 17:08:00 GMT

Occasionally, someone comes along in my life that is not a natural empath, and they want to know how to do it. What makes some people more sensitive to emotion than others?

To me the definition of 'natural' would mean this person had an ability to key into people quicker. I looked into what made some minds more ready to accept and analyse other people's suffering, and I came up with this:

I have found though, that mostly, you cannot just 'instruct' someone on how to care. That would largely depend on the person's moral and ethical values, their family structure, and their culture. Everyone is born to care. Infants have empathy, so we are hard wired for it. then what makes some people more apt to pick up emotion?

It's often seen as more of an innate need that empaths have developed, in order to cope with the pain they see in either themselves, or others. I would partly have to agree with this theory, but then the other side of that argument would presuppose that people who
are not 'natural empaths' have never suffered.

So the argument that empaths are more sensitive as a whole is something I really have to question, as that would mean you would have to suffer to become an empath.

Contrary to popular notions, it's not always a traumatic event that creates an empath, though this can be an element for opening up for some people. Some empaths have stable life situations, with normal ups and downs, yet they can be extremely sensitive to other's suffering.

In my opinion, there would be no reason to think that one type of empathy would be 'superior' than the other. The definition of empathy is caring with someone, and that can be created as much through a loving home and heath, as traumatic events.

The one idea I would like to expound on is this: Does the 'empath' choose to become an empath, or is it 'thrust' upon them? Do they relinquish the will, and are they a slave to the emotions of others as well as themselves? Or do they seek it out? I know I did…

I would have to say, the key would lie in learning to love oneself, and that includes being 'too' sensitive. In our society sensitivity is seen as and unreliable and weak. I would have to say, one could start off by having an 'Empath Pride' Day or something equally as educational, as I feel that we should celebrate feeling with each other, not shutting each other out.

Perhaps empathy has developed in reaction to how cut off we have become in society. We are bombarded with imagery and a life of more obvious callousness and violence and through the lack of real feeling, we desperately seek to connect with mankinds' soul.

I know and I hear of many empaths, who try to isolate because of the anxiety that results through interacting with others. Personally, I would say with me, it's that some of my experiences with people and anxiety could be due to a biological piece of the puzzle, with anxiety intensifying and augmenting symptoms( emotion ), and for others, if they are not centered, this can intensify into a type of social anxiety. Strangely enough, once this anxiety is mastered, empathy becomes a blessing, not a curse!

The more sensitive I become, the more I am apt to jump to conclusions about others... This is in total contrast to what I am really feeling from them emotionally. This goes back to the 'bounce back effect', or the effect of amplifying other's emotions into one's own vision or version of them.

I would say to those who suffer extreme anxiety as an empath - there are ways I have learnt to cope. I have learnt to embrace it as a really great part of myself that celebrates caring for people and I never give up that there are loving souls like me out there.

I have chosen to discard the notion that to feel is bad – if society has put that out there, it's up to me to reject it. I reject not feeling sadness – I reject not feeling anger – I welcome happiness too! I will brace for any other pain there is, as long as I can still feel the joy in myself, as in others.

Why block out beauty? Emotions come with the good and the bad. I would want to feel something, rather than nothing. I will learn to manage my perceptions of those people whose energy I feel around me.

Interesting article about Mind Reading and it's existence in Octobers Psychology Today:
http://psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-20070830-000002.xml

Copyright Carmen Miro 2007

The not-so-subtle Art of Reality

Carmen miro — Tue, 13 Nov 2007 17:48:00 GMT

I have had a couple of hard knocks on my quest to-be-the-perfect-psychic-learning curve. Occasionally I admit I tend to see more bad endings than good, making me more prone to expecting yet more break ups. I guess maybe, you could make the assumption, from my posts, that I could be relationship shy from time to time, and in the very least, healthily bitter.

When I have called readers it happened to me too. I called a reader once who had always been fantastic but she got the outcome (a break up) wrong – she was a great reader in all other respects, but she admitted to me she had heard so much bad news, and our relationship had already hit the skids, so she had not looked out for more obvious changes and signs, and had missed the break up.

I am a bit on the opposite on that, I sometimes see endings around me because most people come to me at the end of their relationships. I am aware of that, and recent events in my life have taught me people do change…people do ‘come back’. (More on that after I come back from Africa in January).

A good example of a caring bias a psychic will employ is best illustrated by my story about ‘N’, my unnamed client. When her fiancée and her broke up she coaxed a predictive reading out of me (as you all know, I prefer not foretell the future). In the reading, a ‘blip’ came up in my spread, which showed contact from her ex.

For weeks after the break up, we discussed what that blip could be. Was it 'reconnection'?

Or just contact? Why did I see that? Did I see that? And if so, would that mean they could become a couple again? Even though I saw that he was going to reconnect with her, I was adamant it was ‘nothing’. I downplayed it completely, because in my mind, he was still not going to give her what she deserved, even if he wanted her back.

I remember once a good client told me, how much it had hurt her that she had been told by me there would be a ‘reconnection’ – which I took as another meeting – maybe a possibility – but she took it if they were getting back together. So I had to learn to rephrase some of my words. I was told that by my poor choice of words, I had hurt her very much, as she had expected, that meeting up with him again, was ‘the it’ in their relationship. She did meet up with him again, but it was not him 'coming forward'. Since then I have been extremely cautious about giving predictions on ‘reconnections’.

Now that he has contacted N, she still is holding out. She has come to the conclusion that he probably wouldn’t be able to go back to her as the man she knew – but that too much had changed. and that indeed, this reconnection was her decision to put off.

I felt good about this, because had I groomed her to expect a big romantic reconnection, she may have obsessed more, maybe to the point of sabotaging the relationship (dear N, this is not personal, it’s anecdotal) and would not have had the clear perspective she has now.

I know that the way I work, I tend to stray more to the realistic, and some call it, the negative side of readings. I would much rather have a reader give me bad news, than good news, as I too have been let down by falsely interpreted information. If I am not sure about the outcome, I will tell my client.

Last week I did get constructive criticism again about being ‘too negative’. Apparently, in the 4-minute conversation I had with my client, I had not pointed out enough of his 'good points’.

I don't understand that argument, as I would want to call a reader to pre-empt any problems, not to reiterate the fluffy stuff I know. I have been told I am ‘too negative’ at times, but at other times, I have received immense gratitude at my being honest in what I see.

So if I tell you it’s not going well – it’s only in the moment. I know your guys are honeys – I really do. I also know most of us are dating train-wrecks with a load of honey. We all date losers at some point in our lives. There is NOTHING wrong with that!

Advisors are people who hear what your girlfriend doesn't tell you about her perfect relationship, because she doesn't want you to know the truth. As advisors, we know relationships are often very challenging, and are never as good as they sound to others.

This is inspired by all those clients, who felt I was being negative. And this is in gratitude to my clients like N, who have let their situations develop, and try and listen to what's behind the bad news message and not walk away without solving the problem.

We should all admit we are not perfect, and none of us should be pointing fingers, least of all me, La Principessa di Amore Morta! How do you think I get this right with some of you?

Yes, there is a generous heaping helping of psychic element, but good ole experience, accounts for a fair bit of my intuition. I think a good advisor will have been through everything you have been through, and that can be like having someone looking over your shoulder.

Forgiveness is an F word

Carmen miro — Mon, 29 Oct 2007 15:40:00 GMT

Too many people are socialized to believe in playing nicely after they have been hurt and they feel that by forgiving someone, you will be a good person, a just person, and that you are in the very least, 'bigger' than they are. Instant Peace 'O Mind. Right?

The cold reality arises when you are surprised by someone’s bad behaviour. This may have been the 25^th time you have been hurt, but this time, it was done by a person you held in such high regard!

So the guessing game on how or if it’s worth forgiving someone after a major transgression has occurred.

There is some value in the statement that a person should mess up once, and not be given a second chance.

This is not a whimsical assessment but it’s actually based on the generous assumption that this person will most likely hurt you again!

* There is the situation a client of mine is in right now, where her ex has called her for the first time in months after a very painful break up. She is holding onto her anger like a badge of pride. This anger is a valuable tool for her, in maintaining her security for now.

She felt hurt by his behaviour, and on seeing the truth, does not necessarily want to forgive him. I feel that in this case it’s completely worth the effort in resisting forgiveness while it feels good. I think even the illusion of not forgiving someone can help us retain power. The spiritual notion of forgiveness doesn’t sit well when you don’t understand why you cannot let go of the person that hurt you most.

I would say that the notion of indiscriminately forgiving the person may lead us to feel powerless.

**I think forgiveness works well when we apply it to ourselves. This person realised that indeed it was not her that ruined this relationship, but that indeed, the problem lay with him. She was not ugly, nor stupid, not worthless – he was the biggest loser. She can hold onto that for as long as she needs to!

I feel as I go on in life, I forgive less and less. Does that make me a lesser ( colder ) person? Or do I need to forgive myself for not forgiving, because it preserves my power, and my spirit?

The problem arises when I feel the other person’s pain. Trying to not heal that person is extremely difficult. I do not like leaving anyone in pain. I want everyone to be OK. That instinct in me is very strong, and sometimes, upon feeling the loss of someone, I want to make that person feel better, so that I can feel better.

Many of us are extremely nurturing, and forgiveness is the easiest and most instinctive place to start. We have been taught that our role in life is to make others feel better, and
one sometimes feels temporarily better falling into this pattern.

What happens when healing or forgiving someone else doesn’t make one feel better?
Is forgiveness then right?

* Thank you unnamed client, for your story!

** This is in reference to Romantic Relationships, not everyone in life.