COFFEE CHAT & SPIRIT CAKE!

What's Been Going On

2009-11-20T15:17:00Z

Youth Group Beach Retreat/ Steal the Flag fun . . .
I have been taking some time off from Keen, to adjust myself to the new life of mom with only one child left in the nest . . . to a new home state . . . new career as a Lead Nurse in Psychology with children (from med-surg for over 8 years) . . . to new cycle of life . . . and soon I will burst forth with a new level of myself . . . have so needed and enjoyed these past couple years of hiking, reading, resting, renewal and deep thought/adjustment!

son

niece

Steal the Flag on the Oregon beach at dusk!

Daughter a Sophmore Biology major in KY; her best friend just had a new baby girl

Studying Botany

Mountaintop

2009-08-07T01:17:00Z

My friend Luna on Mary's Peak . . . the highest on the Oregon coastal line. Meditation has become her friend!

Cobble Beach, near the lighthouse in Newport . . . my favorite meditation spot. It has become a daily importance to go within . . . to go there and roam.

Sensing Spirit

2009-06-30T18:04:00Z

Yes. It's all about energy. Carolyn Myss has a book called, The Anatomy of Spirit, which skillfully explains our energy bodies and teaches us how to be intuitive about our health and our lives. By understanding how chakras, our energy body functions, we are able to learn a special language, Intuition. For example, you notice that you feel grumpy and restless. The cause is unknown, and could be that you had little sleep last night or are coming down with a cold. Before you explain away your mood, this time you halt your assumption of the cause and experiment with ‘subtle energy interpretation’. You mentally and receptively ‘scan’ your body, starting at the head. There feels like ‘a small headache pain at both temples and a ‘weighted area’ around your navel. You also feel sad, like your heart is sinking and your body is restless. You answered question number one, "Where do I feel the difference?" Next, you ask, "Where is my source of this discomfort?" It could be coming from you. But you'll be surprised at the many times it is not. Think about, one at a time, family, friends and associations you have. Pause with the image of each face, or situation. Focus on your bodily sensations each time you create a new thought. Center your focus directly on the discomfort as do this. Does your irritation intensify when you focus on someone or some issue? Eventually you will 'hit' on the cause, something inside you will 'click' and the uncomfortable sensations will lesson when this occurs. It's always possible that dis-ease will be coming from an imbalance in your physical body so don’t forget to include your body. You may be waiting for an important letter and everyday it doesn't come. One day you feel extra anxious and jittery and you determine your sensation comes from an unknown source. As you scan your life, you 'hit' on the source of the ‘calling’ and feel an instant 'knowing' that your letter is the cause of your energy change. When you arrive home the letter is there. People, visiting spirits and issues you're emotionally connected with, affect your subtle energies. Eventually you'll be able to distinguish between sensations coming from you and the ones coming from an external source. When this happens you are sensing spirit: Your own spiritual anatomy, friends, family, associations in life, and also the subtle energies of life crossed over. With practice you’ll begin to tell the differences among them. You can extend a body scan to someone besides yourself. My nurse co worker, Laura, asked me to psychically scan her physical body at work one night, because she felt ‘sick’ and uncomfortable. As I began to move my focus from her heart to her stomach, I received a mental picture of graham crackers piled together and said, “I see stuck graham crackers.” Laura had ‘gorged’ on graham crackers earlier, and I received a psychic ‘hit’ about this when I scanned her belly. I have learned to trust the visions even if they make no sense at first. In the past I would have dismissed this graham cracker image as a ‘figment of my imagination’.

Mud Party Photos & More

2009-06-15T15:50:00Z

This is Crissy, our happy forewoman who showed us how to make a cobb pizza/bread oven out of playing in the mud.

This is Crissy's hubby Chris who prepared the space for the cobb oven.

This is the pile of sand that shapes our mud later . . . after the mud drys we will pull all this sand out of the inside . . . through a doorway cut into it; and the sand will have created a space inside to cook bread in.

These are the friends and family whose feet helped mix the sand and dirt

Crissy's heart chakra has a muddy heart traced on it.

My daughter showing off a muddy hand.

Gina, Katie, and David entertained us with music and . . .

Ken took a break from all the mud play for a few seconds to smile at me. His arm was decorated by five year old Josie.

We all took turns forming the cobb oven with our hands

Eventually we needed to wash hands and feet so we could go inside. Bro and sis are sharing the hose.

Gina and Kleo celebrated the day with a tango grand finale'

Our little muddy masterpiece: this became a large clay pot which in the morning will be dry enough to cut a doorway in . . . then we'll create a second layer with dirt and straw.

Stay tuned for final photos of the finished project!

Life After Life And The Porcelain Doll

2009-06-09T09:43:00Z

Grandma made a porcelain doll for my 12th birthday. She sewed and stuffed its body and then attached a white porcelain baby doll head to it. A lady named Mary who lived on the corner of our street, helped Grandma make a red and white necklace for it. Mary had strung the small beads with arthritic hands. They made a lacey white christening dress for it, and placed the colored beads around the neck.

Mary had a weak heart and Grandma worried about her living alone. She looked in on Mary everyday and sometimes stayed the night. She helped Mary with her housework and attended to her small garden.

One day while handing cherry tomatoes up to Mary through her bathroom window, Mary’s outstretched hand disappeared and everything became quiet. Grandma set the tomato basket down and went in through the back door to find her on the bathroom floor dead. She’d suffered a fatal heart attack and she wasn’t alone when it happened, something Grandma was grateful for.

On my 16th birthday I was in Buffalo New York visiting mom. She was at a workshop for the day so I decided to read an entire book called Life after Life by Dr. Raymond Moody. It was loaded with convincing and fascinating near death case histories and interviews with people who had temporarily died and had come back to life.

There were out of body stories, journeys to the 'white light', and various spirit communications. I finished the book inspired to learn more about the topic of what happens after we die. I remembered a Spiritualist Church I’d visited before moving to Michigan then later to Kentucky.

That afternoon I took a city bus down Elmwood Street to a Wednesday night service. It was much like I remembered the building but the people were all different. I recognized no one. I sat in the back of the chapel and waited for my favorite part to begin: Spirit messages!

We sang about Christ from a hymnal book and listened to a Bible based sermon. People sat down in chairs at the front to receive energy faith healings, and finally three ordained ministers took the stage and began channeling messages from ‘spirit’.

"This message is for the girl in the purple blouse" She pointed at me in the back by a ceiling post.

"There is a woman here who passed recently, not so long ago. She wants to wish you, "Happy Birthday" and says you know her. She and your mother made a doll for you on another birthday".

For a brief moment I felt confused because my mother had never given me a doll for my birthday. Then it dawned on me that Mary always referred to grandma as my mother! The spirit had to be Mary.

The minister wasn't done with me, yet. She said, “A new man spirit steps forward who you don't know to say “There IS life after life” (remember the name of the book I read that day?!)

You never know when a spirit is watching!

So I told Grandma about Mary and the porcelain baby doll during our last conversation. Coincidently my doll at that time lay packed inside a shoe box in her bedroom closet because my three year old second born had broken its head. Grandma told me she'd call a friend who would fix it.

Years earlier my daughter had broken its original head on our cement porch, when she was only three. Grandma had replaced the original doll head with a matching replica, it looked exactly like the day I received it. Now the second head was broken and we were on our third one!

When she died I forgot all about my doll, but a few weeks later I received a phone call from grandma’s friend who fixed the baby doll using an exact replica of its original porcelain head.

The first Christmas without grandma came around, she'd been gone since last February and I struggled to remember her last gift to me. On that day while looking for a misplaced book, I reached on to a shelf in our storage closet and grabbed a shoe box with my porcelain doll inside, and realized that having this doll fixed for a third time had been her last gift to me.

I placed it among the branches of our Christmas tree to honor grandma that year, and I’ve had her on an alter in my home ever since.

Hi! Photos of Our Back yard Garden ( an urban micro farm)

2009-05-20T17:18:00Z

Clover Speck

Garlic, Onions, Tators, Tomaters, Pumpkin Patch on Rooftop

Baby Duck Love

Kale, Rubarb, Swiss Chard, Bock Chow

Fig Tree and the Table

Ice Cube and the Chipsters

Silver Luna

Sage, chamomile, valerian . . . a pumpkin patch on the roof

Garden Fairy in Flowers

ducks, flowers and breaking free!

2009-05-02T04:38:00Z

These past few months and more recent weeks have been a powerful journey for me. My daughter went off to college last fall and as many mothers feel the heart wrenching loss I was one of them. My marriage ended and this was happening around the same time. My job came to an end for me and I needed a big change. So the intensity of moving here on the 19 day road trip across the western states, from MI to OR, with three teens, a u haul on the back of my car, new job yet to experience at another state - all this was happening along with the rogue movers who stole the entire contents of our home, and several other families' belongings. The sudden disappearance of an entire life in one summer left me in rather a shock (we got our belonging BACK after some miracle work from a private investigator)! After a few months of deep grieving I pulled myself back up and out of that hole by deciding to date again, find another new nurse job I liked better than the one I blindly accepted before moving here . . . so as grace would have it I found a nice and rather healing relationship and it's lasted currently, for nearly five months.

Our household is full of life with four children including my son and one more child coming to stay for the summer. It has two dogs, three cats and three adults inside it. My son and I live with friends I've known for over 20 years in a nice old well built haunted house.

Outside our house we are surrounded by flowers and garden vegetables, fruit trees and a privacy fence -which also holds many beautiful growing bushes and flowers. There are fig trees and pear trees, honeysuckle, tulips, bleeding heart, lavender, red trees and blue trees, sage . . . and the list feels endless.

Our two new pigmy goats have a pen surrounding the blackberry bushes so they can always snack, the five chickens have a beautiful ongoing pile of compost to eat and we have high quality eggs that taste so good. The four ducks have our children to look after them, kids who love them and want to play with them every day.

The red tree in our side yard flower garden, houses hummingbirds which we can watch eating its nectar just outside our kitchen window. It's a hidden paradise and the food we bring inside from our urban homestead each day, the benefits of a garden - it's lush to look at and so wonderful to taste.

Tonight we ate a variety of greens and onion, sautéed in olive oil- yum. We ate baked eggplant, avocado and tomato, slices of sweet potato in maple syrup and cinnamon. Some of us ate homemade burritos with real wheat bread crust, too.

I and my friend are on the third week of a month long body-cleanse where we eat mostly raw fruits and vegetables, nuts, berries and minimal amount of any grain during this time period. Lots of raw juices and herbal supplements are consumed. Lots of water and sunshine, planting flowers and such. No salt, caffeine, or sugar. No processed foods. I feel stronger, am healing - as I go through the days eating this way.

My body likes it.

By the end of the cleanse I will have learned what it feels like to control my food addictions . . . to salt, coffee, sugar and such. After day four I lost my cravings for these things, and began to observe what it truly feels like to eat when I'm hungry and to consume only that which my body requires for energy.

I have learned to LOVE the taste of food so much I sometimes close my eyes at the dinner table in pure enjoyment of what I'm experiencing- I have always done this anyway because I love food in general, though this what I'm talking about is an experience of food in a whole new way.

I have learned the peaceful bliss of a solid night's sleep. I have learned to stretch, relax, find my passions again . . And to enjoy with every cell, the touch of someone who loves me.

All this by going through a body cleanse while allowing my total being to benefit, too . . . with side effect of balancing body weight.

Deciding to radically change ones environment is huge. It includes a willingness to take a risk and follow the path of our highest good - even if it is terrifying to take it at first.

We only have this moment to work with, NOW, we can't go backwards to change things that we have done which are regretted. We have now and this is enough to work with.

And the future is created by all these moments we are making now - the visions of what we want these to become . . These thoughts and expectations . . . are what become our realities.

There are frustrations and sorrows we go through, but I've found there is also a way, most of the time, to joyfully participate in life, maybe this is what 'human souls' are here to learn . . . at least one of our biggest lessons.

I tie all these changes together with a clean new way of living my life . . . fresh goat milk coming soon . . salads every day . . . not as much TV, microwaving or constant material 'stuff' to surround myself with.

It's all about relationships with friends and family, pets and self. I'm beginning to know this better.

So my dietary cleanse is part of the bigger picture right now - I want to share the powerful experience of my life right now . . in words written -with you - and for you.

Below are photos of a few of our younger children enjoying the ducks, of our side view of home where the hummingbirds come, of our two new goats . . .

Sincere thoughts to U- happy, bountiful, beautiful, abundant, love . . . !!

Namaste'

Humming Bird Nest Outside our Kitchen Window

Bleeding Heart

40 ACRES OF TULIPS

2009-04-20T21:08:00Z

See Mt Hood in the back ground? This is my new favorite SPRING PIC! The others are also of the festival . . . hello warmth and beauty (smile, sigh)

Is Cyber Sex Cheating? (Round 2 of a Popular Post!)

2009-04-02T11:08:00Z

Is Cyber Sex Cheating?

You catch him on the computer again, peeking at questionable body parts and flirting with strangers who flirt back with him.

There is evidence he may have communicated with a few of those heads, attached to the skin shots he's been drooling over.

You find webcam recordings hidden on the mother board of his computer.

You detect secret flirtatious conversations with distant women who he will most likely never meet in person. A phone number has been exchanged at one time, maybe even a photograph he sent her of himself!

He says, when you catch him. that cyber flirting is no different than going to a strip bar with buddies.

Why then, do you feel as if you've been betrayed?! Where does a woman draw the line with cyber sex? What do YOU think? Is he cheating?

Filed Under: Spirit Cake

Comment Notification

Subscribe to this post's comments using RSS

Comments

# re: Is Cyber Sex Cheating?

[Remove this Comment] Monday, April 09, 2007 5:23 PM by Jon Constantine

Very good topic but I need to scold you for a second. It isn't just men who do this -- it takes two to tango. It's written from a female perspective, that's true, but what about the poor boyfriend over there in the Philippines sound asleep while honey ko is sneaking out to the internet cafe, or the Russian guy who has no idea that his girlfriend's sudden extra cash is coming from cyber suitors and Western Union?

That said, it absolutely is cheating. If you went out to dinner with someone else who had romantic intentions, you may not end up in bed, but it's still being unfaithful. And who knows what he/she has told that other person. People will callously break someone else's heart over the internet.

My rule of thumb on this is one of the oldest and still one of the best. "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you?" How would you feel if you walked in and saw your significant other getting naked for the webcam? Unless you'd be 100% okay with it, then it's waaaay not okay for you to be doing it.

# re: Is Cyber Sex Cheating?

[Remove this Comment] Monday, April 09, 2007 5:59 PM by Ms Claritynow

Well said!!

# re: Is Cyber Sex Cheating?

[Remove this Comment] Monday, April 09, 2007 6:09 PM by MalikaHelena

Yes it is cheating. Though not a physical betrayal it is definitely an emotional betrayal.

Some people choose to cheat instead of get creative or leave a relationship that is not fulfilling.

# re: Is Cyber Sex Cheating?

[Remove this Comment] Monday, April 09, 2007 6:15 PM by Ms Claritynow

Loss of trust.

# re: Is Cyber Sex Cheating?

[Remove this Comment] Monday, April 09, 2007 7:54 PM by Soulmate Hotline

well a few years ago I would have said no it's not cheating. Now I'm not so sure I would say cheating but it can bring on a lot of trouble for a relationship. And i also agree that woman do it also. I think if it is hurting your relationship with a real person then there is something worng. Not everyone that dose has this or any issue with it.
GMTS
Love and light
Karen

# re: Is Cyber Sex Cheating?

[Remove this Comment] Friday, June 29, 2007 10:57 AM by Caz

My OH had cyber sex with someone who was a frind of both of us and was a consellor supposedly helping us with our marriage after he had returned as a soldier from Iraq.

He denied it all along, if hed had the guts to be honest I could have maybe dealt with it.he didnt and I am totally devestated. we have kids together and had a great sex life

# re: Is Cyber Sex Cheating?

[Remove this Comment] Friday, June 29, 2007 1:59 PM by Ms Claritynow

OUCH! I'm sorry this happened to you. I'm afraid it's very common.

# re: Is Cyber Sex Cheating?

[Remove this Comment] Tuesday, August 14, 2007 10:31 AM by qvftje zkeq

ohsvcep zfercv rontuzm nkzbiqve wrtsp gjxhsyie itnhrzc

# re: Is Cyber Sex Cheating?

[Remove this Comment] Tuesday, September 25, 2007 12:53 PM by cheated on

I have just found that my partner of4 years has cheated on me with a woman he met on the internet.He went on to meet her in person said he didnt find her that attractive but carried on with cybersex and phone sex for a further 2 months. We had a fantastic sex life before this and all i can think of is that he must have tought that she and what they were doing were more special than what we had. He of course wants me back and lovesme know and says he did as he was doing it. The trust is destroyed and because I know him so well I know what and how he would say sexy things to her he was probaly sayng the same to mea few hours before or later.I am deeply hurt and our relationshipis in tatters.So nobody tell me that it is harmless fun.

# re: Is Cyber Sex Cheating?

[Remove this Comment] Thursday, December 06, 2007 9:44 AM by Kelley

I have been married for 20 plus years and my husband had posted pictures of himself on a pron dating site for purposes of cyber sex. He went on to meet one of the classy ladies. Says he didn't find her attactrive. His intent had always been to have a physical encounter, secret from me. It is cheating and has destroyed me.

# re: Is Cyber Sex Cheating?

[Remove this Comment] Tuesday, January 08, 2008 6:51 PM by lizzie

I have recentely discovered that my husband of 16 years has been having cybersex and phone sex with ladies, couples, groups, you name it for the last 5 years while he would be away on business trips. I discovered his secret email address by accident. He would even invite people into his hotel room. He would give them his hotel phone number and room number. And it all started with 'just' cybersex. He says that nothing ever actually took place and that he would chicken out if somebody actually knocked on his door or called. I don't believe him at all. It has been completely devastating for our family. I believe with all my heart that cybersex is cheating.

# re: Is Cyber Sex Cheating?

[Remove this Comment] Friday, February 22, 2008 12:42 PM by debby

I found 2 anonymous "hook-up" sites saved to favorites on my husband's laptop. I checked because I knew something funny was going on.. he never went anywhere or did anything with us..electing to stay home. Always called me when I left the house (within 10 min.) for some fake reason - just to see if I was really gone and asked that I call him before I come home to see if he wanted something. A couple of times when I returned home unexpectantly he was on the computer with porn. He started counseling 2 yrs ago for this and other (anger-physical abuse-verbal abuse and emotional abuse) issues but but he still lies constantly and I think he's doing the computer sex again. He has stopped the physical abuse but I still experience some verbal and emotional abuse (his lies) altho not as bad as before.

Cyber Sex is not conducive to a good marriage - IMHO

# re: Is Cyber Sex Cheating?

[Remove this Comment] Monday, May 26, 2008 4:00 PM by Jamie

For the past 3 months I have been having cybersex. Sometimes with random strangers and sometimes with regular people. My husband has sex with me about 3 times a month. We used to have a great sex life but now his libido is gone. He's not gay, not seeing anyone else, has no medical/emotional problems...and I am still attractive and interesting. But I dunno...he just doesn't want to be intimate very much. I've talked to him about it A LOT and I always wind up crying and still nothing ever happens. For him, I think it's easier to just ignore my unhappiness then make the effort to revive our sex life (and it takes two here people. I know, I've tried fixing it alone!). So although I feel a *little guilty* about the cybersex, I don't feel like I'm cheating either (it's a grey area). Years ago he and I had a conversation about cybersex and he said he didn't care if I did it or not. Hmm.
But I definitely draw the line someplace...I don't exchange personal info, I don't meet these people, I don't waste my time in chat rooms rather then living my life. My husband and I have kids together, otherwise I would probably have left him by now and waited to see if he got his act together and begged me to come home. BUT I don't have this luxury. So here I am...stuck with cybersex. Not much real sex for Jamie :(

# re: Is Cyber Sex Cheating?

[Remove this Comment] Wednesday, October 22, 2008 1:05 AM by Jeane

Well lets start with, I just got engaged 9/27 (my birthday). Later that weekend myfiance' was at my house and used my laptop...he left his email logged in when he left. We have a lot things going on through emails so I checked the inbox. Lo and behold I found replies to personal ads. Now I was curious...I know that going thru his email was the worst thing I could have done, but I couldn't help myself. One stuck out like a sore thumb..18 emails between the two of them in 3 days. The last of which he told her he was going to be in her part of the country in the fall and he would love to meet up with her. He told me he was going to Asia on business. Well I emailed this woman and we chatted back and forth until the sun came up. She is no longer interested in him because her ex had done the same thing to her and she felt betrayed and belittled by it. I spoke to him about this and he says he was only messing with their heads. However now the business trip has been cancelled...HMMM
I am so crazy in love with this man and I find myself doubting my own judgement. To me it is cheating. He says he has stopped but now I find that he has lied to me about cancelling his subscriptions to dating websites. Engaged for a month and I'm not for sure if I can go through with this. :-( Jeane

# re: Is Cyber Sex Cheating?

[Remove this Comment] Thursday, October 30, 2008 7:18 AM by JJAMES

I have a partner of 4 years whom i have caught doing this twice. Ihave never forgiven him and he broke down and swore to me that he wouldnt do it again but i have just found another msm saucy name on his computer and loads of downloaded porn. Iam in bits and i cant say anything until next week as we are taking our kids on holiday tomorrow. I cant live with this now it is the end. Dont kid yourself that he will stop coz its unlikley. The deciet is the worst bit. We had a great sex life .

# re: Is Cyber Sex Cheating?

[Remove this Comment] Monday, November 24, 2008 5:27 AM by DevAsTaTeD

Yes totally it is cheating or I wouldn't feel like swallowing a bottle of pills right now. My wife and I live in Florida where, if you live here you know, the pay scale down here is pretty much slave wages. So in August I went to NYC to work and try to make OUR lives great. For awhile all was going well(not work wise, it was kind of slow). Then after about a month I started to notice a coldness in my wifes voice. She would deny it. Every night we always call each other to say goodnight. As time went on she would be calling me earlier and earlier each night. Anyway to make a long story short she tells me she wants to go to counseling because she's depressed. I say anything that helps her is ok with me. Fast Forward to last week when I return home(1500 mile non stop drive through major thunderstorms, tornado warnings, closed down highways all to see her). Doing the maintenance on her computer i come across the most horrible thing I had ever seen. Pictures of mens penises. MANY pics. After I confront her she admits to talking to guy but claims she never saw any pics like that that it was friendly chat. Like a dog with a bone though I started digging. I set up 2 computers and started sending pics back and forth to 2 phony accounts. EVERY pic showed. This led to more digging. I was able to pull up a chat. It was the most vile crap I ever read. Of course she confesses to cybering. After prodding and probing more she admits to phone sex. Claimed only 2 guys cyber 1 guy phone. Then 3 guys, then 4 guys. Cybering list grew so long she forgot how many. Phone sex went from 1 to 2 to 3. Long story coming to an end. She even got off the phone with me as I was driving 1500 miles back to her. My whole world has been destroyed. So goddamn yes its cheating.

# re: Is Cyber Sex Cheating?

[Remove this Comment] Thursday, November 27, 2008 2:38 AM by devastated

" Long story coming to an end. She even got off the phone with me as I was driving 1500 miles back to her" MEANT to say got off phone with me to cyber some dude who now I've found out she's called twice. I'm waiting for the next shoe to drop.

# re: Is Cyber Sex Cheating?

[Remove this Comment] Sunday, November 30, 2008 7:44 PM by Patricia

I was five months pregnant when i found out that my partner was involved in cybersex. The pain and devastation has destroyed my live and my children's live. It's cheating and the worst kinds because it involves mental effort to engage in the activity. It's rare that this can mean nothing because the physical satisfaction cannot be achieved quite the way it can be through the actual act.

# re: Is Cyber Sex Cheating?

[Remove this Comment] Wednesday, December 17, 2008 12:11 PM by Ms Claritynow

I can relate to the pain expressed here! I agree that it IS cheating . . . and destroys both trust and intimacy in a single blow. Thank you for sharing your stories and my heart goes out to you!!

# re: Is Cyber Sex Cheating?

[Remove this Comment] Monday, December 22, 2008 3:36 PM by devastated

Sorry, I was wrong again. Now it seems she NEVER called the guy she confessed to calling but DID call 4 other guys 14 times. What kind of sap am I for not leaving? Am I a sap? Help me out here please. I dont know what to do anymore.

# re: Is Cyber Sex Cheating?

[Remove this Comment] Thursday, December 25, 2008 6:59 PM by Ms Claritynow

I would suggest not to blame yourself and remember that it is she who has the problem here.

# re: Is Cyber Sex Cheating?

[Remove this Comment] Wednesday, January 28, 2009 5:45 PM by Thinker

I wasn't sure if it was or not, all I know is that sex drive makes you think silly things like (it isn't real so it's okay), but once it is all over a sense of guilt falls over you. My first time cyber sex was a few moments ago and I feel like I may have made a mistake, and if I feel guilty then it was wrong of me to do so. I'm cutting it here while it is new, to long have I loved her to simply let it all collapse over something as stupid as this, and better now then to let it escalate to something problematic.
I'm glad I found this site, I'm glad I searched google while the guilt was still kicking my gut hard.

Is it cheating? might be or not, it all is a matter of opinion. So I'm going to go with yes, once it gets out of hand it is cheating.

# re: Is Cyber Sex Cheating?

[Remove this Comment] Wednesday, February 04, 2009 1:11 PM by Jeane

Wow...it's been awhile since I last visited here, but I'm very happy I came back to look in. While I am truly sympathetic with all of you, it feels good to not be alone in this row boat. I thought I was alone. I have since broken up with the culprit and my life seems to be on an even tilt for now. I'm happy and calm again, but the downside is that I am finding it hard to trust again. Funny how something I have never done has changed my outlook.

# re: Is Cyber Sex Cheating?

[Remove this Comment] Wednesday, March 18, 2009 1:54 AM by Jess

I have experienced this in a different form, just Monday night I found text messages going back a week on my boyfriends phone that he had sent to another woman. (a friend of someone he worked with that he had never met before) saying things like "I like to work it" (followed by a text message saying exactly how he liked to work it) and "you like to suck d***" etc...
He also sent her a "picture" (I am sure you can guess what of) while she sent several of herself. Some of these text messages (including the sucking d*** one) were sent to her while I was sitting right next to him that day! It was a complete accident that I even came upon these text messages (I was attempting to send a picture message to my phone and ended up seeing the picture he had sent her). Seeing that, I did some investigating and found text messages they had sent back and forth. If I hadn't come across them accidentally the idea that he would do this would never have crossed my mind. We are in a stable relationship, and have a great sex life, and we both love each other very much, and up until now, we have had an amazing relationship! He has always been there for me in any way I needed him, and he has always taken amazing care of me. When I confronted him with it, he told me that they were just joking around when he had sent that picture. And he told me that he hadn't sent her any sexual text messages, but refused to let me see them on the principal that I "should trust him and believe him." He then proceeded to delete all of the text messages in his phone. However as I already said, I had already seen those text messages and I knew he was not being truthful with me about them. So then he told me he was just "playing along with her" and that he did it because it was "something to do." He also told me that he didn't really think that there was anything wrong with it because he didn't do anything with her and because he had no intentions of doing anything with her. But I don't even know if I can believe that since he lied about the content of the text messages. I am so hurt and confused by what he did! He has promised not to do it again and he has apologized for it. But I am so hurt. I just can't stop thinking about it! I don't understand why he would do this to me. I feel like he violated my trust. I lost a lot of my trust in him, and I lost a lot of respect for him last night. But I am not ready to give up on our relationship just yet so I accepted his apology and his promise not to do it again. I just do not know if I will ever be able to feel the same way about him again. I have lost all of the sense if security and safety that I had with him before, and it remains to be seen if I will ever get it back. I hope so. I definitely consider this cheating, and even if you don't, it is still hurtful to the person you love and therefore wrong. I can attest to the fact that it really, really hurts when the person you thought your heart was safest with betrays your trust.

# re: Is Cyber Sex Cheating?

[Remove this Comment] Saturday, March 28, 2009 12:24 PM by Jeane

Oh Jess, I am so sorry to hear about this. I feel deeply for what you are experiencing...Keep checking back on this site there are so many of us out there and we all need this support.

# re: Is Cyber Sex Cheating?

[Remove this Comment] Saturday, March 28, 2009 5:27 PM by Hope

Jess, I'm in the same exact situation as you. Almost down to every detail. My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year. And Everything in our relationship is seriously perfect in literally every way. He takes such good care of me. And I definately wouldn't have expected anything like this from him. Except I found the first text a couple months back. It was between him and a girl he use to go to school with. And I asked him about it because the contents of his text were very hurtfull. And told him the things he said to her made me feel so awful. All he said was she's someone he would never consider doing anything with. Well if that's true I don't understand why he would even give her the time to text back. He just said he was bored and was just going along with her. However, after that first text I didn't trust him at all. Later on I found out he had been talking to multiple girls online as well. Myspace, Facebook, even his music downloader chat rooms. He promised he would stop. And not even a month later we were hanging out and he was one his computer talking to this girl on myspace. When I was right beside him. He's told me now he's talked to maybe 20 random girls throughout our relationship. I don't understand why. And he said he would work on it and has deleted his myspace, and facebook, but I still can't seem to trust him.

Redwood Forest Photos . . . scroll down to see!

2009-03-18T05:22:00Z

I'm back from the redwoods of last weekend! We (Ken, myself and son Galen) camped at Jedadiah Smith River State Park and the first day was perfect- a hike down the Boyscout Tree Trail led us to a pretty waterfall and the mother ship of sequoias. It poured on us all that night and by the next day we packed up our tent in the rain . . . but not before we got to see the powerfully magic beaches of Klamath, Ca near the Yurok Indian Reservation.

Ectoplasm photo, heart rainbow!!

2009-03-04T16:18:00Z

One of my favorite places to hike is in central oregon . . . on an old wagon trail which used to be an original Oregon trail with much history. This is a largely untouched area . . . and the first time I hiked out to the waterfall I found an awesome perfetly shaped heart rock just after an intense meditation about love. This time I returned with my real life man- love and we were just standing there together when I took a few shots. The photo of the table is number one, the ectoplasm is number two and the greenery with the orb in it is the shot right after. We didn't see any of this, it all looked green and lush to us - but showed up on the camera and then when we downloaded it. It's heart shaped and cool. I wanted to share!!!

Fawn

A Keen friend shared for us to look closely at the bottem photo left side - a woman is leaning (sitting) against the tree with her legs bent. You can see her profile and she is made of natural things yet very 'present'. Her legs are moss . . . but check her out!

Grandma & Grandpa Showed Me . . . How To Live and Die With Grit & Grace

2009-02-18T10:34:00Z

Grandma’s death (and life!) taught me so much . . . about the art of living and dying. It’s been 12 years ago this month, but I still have every moment etched on my mind as if it happened last week. The smells, the colors, the feelings, the food, the family, tears, and music . . . all of this remains fresh.

She died at home in her own bedroom surrounded by her family. Family had come from New York, Michigan, California, Baltimore and Mississippi to Kentucky to visit with her during her final days, it was natural for so many to be there with her as she was the center of our family wheel and had held us together for many years.

Her knees were new because the summer before she’d had them replaced in order to travel to Africa with Grandpa, it was a trip of a life time and she wouldn’t have missed it. Her painful knee arthritis was gone and she felt great, though after the long plane trip back home her feet and legs became noticeably swollen and they stubbornly wouldn’t go down to normal again. Her old breast cancer had returned after more than five years, this time had spread through other parts of her body, and she progressively began to suffer when she tried to breath. By Thanksgiving she was on oxygen and beginning chemotherapy and radiation treatments which further zapped her energy.

I began to be in charge of cooking Sunday dinners and bringing large amounts of food to the house for all our family to eat. We’d fill her home with love and music, food and laughter . . . taking turns with visiting her, serving her food and keeping her company- and my aunt, her daughter, took on the bulk of personal care for her.

Grandpa was very serious about creating the perfect environment for her death experience. He had studied up on spiritual crossing over and wanted us to cooperate with him on his plan to have it go as smooth as possible. He’d designed a unique goal that we all were aware of, with the help of hospice, to assist her peaceful entrance into the spirit world.

Many of my family are skeptical and non religious and even non spiritual, but everyone respected and understood Grandpa’s wishes for her end of life. Of course Grandma was in the loop and had agreed to his plan, too.

Our minister came by and sang her songs and read to her from inspirational books and our family proceeded to gather all sorts of special items, such as photographs, sentimental trinkets, homemade carvings, gifts from friends, memorabilia and more to place on a alter in her living room which was actually a large old antique organ with many memories attached of Grandpa playing during special occasions on that instrument from upstate NY to down south Kentucky.

As Grandma became more ill, we boiled cinnamon on the stove in order to cover up the odor of taking care of a person who is dying. She began to speak to us less and less, but she was still very alert, lucid and responsive all the way to the day before she died. As that day grew near, she began to tell those around her what she needed to in order to say good bye. People in her life showed up for last conversations and left feeling that closure had occurred.

Our last conversation was about 1976 the year I was ten years old and she took me an Arts Fair in NY and I got lost. She laughed about my reporting a ‘missing grandmother’ to the workers there. In that year she’d moved from NY to KY and I had moved from MI to KY to live with her. We arrived at her new home before Grandpa had arrived, and when we entered it there was a shag yellow carpet swarming with fleas. I remember that she wore an all white pant suit and within a minute she was covered with black fleas from her toes to her shoulders. The grass was taller than I was . . . we ran back out to her car and went to find a motel room.

That year our phone number ended in the numbers ‘76’ and I thought that was cool because it was 1976, and Grandma had a ‘thing’ about it being the bicentennial and she collected the special bicentennial quarters and silver dollars that were made that year in a white canister with a press down flat lid. I would bring her one of those quarters if I found one and she would trade me a regular quarter for a bicentennial one.

So our last conversation at her death bed had to do with our memories of that year. It was one where we laughed and also felt close and remembered bonding as granddaughter and grandmother. It was the year she taught me to sing harmony with her to an old fashioned song that went like this: “Tell me why the stars do shine, tell me why the ivy twine, tell me why the ocean blue, and I will tell you . . . just why I love you. Because God made the stars to shine, because God made the ivy twine, because God made the ocean blue, because God made you, that’s why I love you.”

Our family always sang together on road trips, in great big bursts of beautiful harmony for miles and miles. We knew multitudes of rounds and harmonies, as Grandpa was a music professor, in fact a pretty well known jazz professor, so music was a part of our every day life. Grandma taught me that song on a long road trip to KY that year and it sounded really nice with my singing the low part and her singing the high part.

She was like my mother and I her youngest daughter, we were very close; so our death bed goodbye was especially poignant. There are still some things I’m only just allowing my memory to embrace due to the intensity of feelings involved. Her influence on my life is immense and endless, there’s no comparison to anyone else in my family who I’ve ever been close to.

She kept saying to us, “I’m so very lucky! There are people who die alone in hospitals and in nursing homes and yet here I am surrounded by all of you, so much love and care!”

It was true; many had taken entire vacation weeks off just to be in her home as she lay dying. Our family knew the true meaning of love and bonded care for each other, our holidays and events were filled with love even if eccentric and weird, uncomfortable at times due to the variety of personalities, we learned through grandma how to embrace and accept everyone for the individual they were . . . we learned tolerance and love of each other through her unique ability to like most everyone. All my friends called her Grandma, too, and they loved coming to our home because the atmosphere was comfortable and welcome.

On the night before her death I had just come home to bed, my pajamas were on and I lay reading a book to fall asleep. Suddenly I felt the air in my room change and I knew that I wasn’t alone, there were spirits who had entered and were there with me, though I couldn’t see them. I sensed my uncle who had passed and who I felt was a great grandmother, maybe grandma’s mother, as well as a few others who I didn’t know on earth but who I recognized in spirit.

I was told to go to grandma’s house- that it was ‘time’. This was more of a feeling of urgency than actual words, but I got the message strong and clear. Without hesitancy I trusted the communication and immediately got up to get dressed. I explained to my family that even though I’d just returned an hour earlier, I needed to go back to grandma’s house because I was being ‘called’ there. Because I’m just ‘odd’ this way, my reasoning was accepted without question.

When I arrived at her house several family members were awake and sitting in her living room. They looked at me in surprise because it was unusual for me to return so late at night and so soon after I’d left for the day- I could only explain that I felt I needed to go to grandma right away and let them sort the situation out as I rushed down the hallway to her bedroom.

She lay there in bed, in her final death coma . . . the one she’d entered earlier that day and it appeared to be a deep sleep. I took her hand and could feel her squeeze mine back. I announced my presence and I know she knew I was there. She didn’t like the pain I could tell. I told her goodbye and that I’d one day see her on the other side and that I loved her and she squeezed my hand a little bit more in response so I’d know she could hear me. I saw other family members peeking around the doorway and when I finally stepped out another person took my place and for a while it was like that, one person coming to say farewell after another.

The night before she went in to her coma she’d asked one of us if the sky was going to be clear, she wanted to have lots of stars out she’d said. She’d announced that morning when breakfast was brought to her that she was no longer going to eat, that this would be her last meal and thanked everyone for being so good to her. Later that day she’d slipped into her deep sleep state as she had warned us that she was going to do.

I went straight home and the phone rang at about 4 am, I knew what that call was about and I lay there resisting the necessity to get up and go to her house, delaying the inevitable of accepting her death state. I finally got up one last time, got dressed and went to her.

Two of her daughters were cleaning her up, she lay there with eyes closed in her Africa t-shirt with a knitted blanket she’d made covering her lower body. Her sister had been the last one to see her alive, she’d come in after grandpa had come to visit with her, and I heard that when grandpa left the room grandma had cried a little bit and then her sister came in and then when she left for a minute grandma had chosen that moment to die.

I crumbled inside when I saw her lying there, it was very sad to see the reality of her body and know she was really gone. Grandpa had planned for us to have an all night vigil with two to three family members taking two hour segments of the night with her until hospice came to get her later that day. I, my cousin and uncle took the first shift together, and sat at the end of her bed together in our last goodbye.

The morning sun turned to early afternoon I avoided her room for a while but soon entered again with my camera. I noticed a significant difference when I entered her room, almost like I was walking through a piece of soft pink silk, and even when I closed my eyes I could tell exactly when my body entered her room as my heart sped up my head felt sort of dizzy but nice. I lined up a photograph of her through the mirror on her dresser because she looked peaceful lying in profile there on the bed, more like she was asleep. The picture that developed later was of a pink vortex slipping into a dream catcher and her body was completely occluded by the winding ripples of the mist. It’s a great shot of a vortex!

When I left her home the hearse hadn’t yet arrived and I couldn’t bear to see this occur. I’d grown up in that small KY home with my grandparents and the thought of seeing a hearse come down my childhood road and take her away was like a worst nightmare scenario of mine, so instead at this time I took off to Lexington, 36 miles away, where I visited a psychic fair with some friends.

I entered the large room and began to look around at all the tables with jewelry and offerings for sale. I saw that there were several psychics doing readings, a couple of them were mediums and I needed a medium at that moment. After a few moments of circling the room I settled on a chair in front of a man who went by Orion with some penetrating blue eyes and Irish voice. He started his tape recorder and began his reading with me:

“I’m picking up an older woman who announces herself as ‘Talia’, she’s recently deceased, no more than five foot two, blue eyes, why she’s your grandmother!!” He practically yelled this at me.

I confirmed it all, that she died just the night before, and that Talia was a short way of picking up that my grandmother’s married name was actually Tallmadge- and she was five foot two with blue eyes, a scotch Irish woman. He’d nailed it all in the first few sentences and I was captivated.

“She had all her ducks in a row before she died” He told me, “She was met by an uncle on her level with a red nose and an old rugged pick up truck that has wooden black beams fitted along the back end in a unique and homemade sort of way. He took her in his truck up to his farm. Your family has a photograph of this truck in a book”

I didn’t know this and couldn’t confirm it, but was grateful he was recording it all.

“She is holding a large bowl and throwing flour out of it, just tossing it”

I saw this as her way of reminding me that she wanted her ashes scattered at the wild flower falls walk she’d requested before death.

“I smell cinnamon!” He exclaimed.

We had kept cinnamon burning on the stove her last week.

“She has a white canister which is full of coins and she’s shaking it, this means something to you”

Yes, it was full of bicentennial quarters.

“Her last words to you are INDIAN DRUM”

I work as a shamanic practitioner and this is a significant spiritual tool for me.

I rushed home with my tape, could hardly wait to have family hear this. They’d stayed home and watched the process of her leaving the house, an event I couldn’t bear to watch, I think I would have fallen apart. Grandpa had played on the piano their lifetime ‘song’ of ‘Five Foot Two, Eyes are Blue” as they’d rolled her out, a song she had once sang as he played for her many times over the years. A love exchange I’d witnessed, it was as deep in me- fixed in my heart- as deep as any memory could be.

The recorder came on and they began to listen to Orion; my cousins, my aunts and uncles, my grandma’s sister and a couple friends. My uncle remembered how her last conversation with him was to say “I have all my ducks in a row!” so this part was meaningful to him.

My cousins and great aunt rushed to the old photo albums and found a large picture in black and white, of the truck just as Orion had described. It was owned by my grandma’s uncle Roger who owned a farm in New Hampshire when grandma was a child and had helped raise her. His truck had a name and everyone called it Thundering Ann, there it was on the page of an old photo album, just as Orion said it would be.

Grandpa gave me the white canister of coins she shook in Orion's reading, feeling very convinced this is what the message was conveying. We all had a spring day a few months later (may) scattering her ashes on the beautiful flowered pathway.

Her funeral was as beautiful and as memorable as her death, with everyone receiving a piece of rosemary from her giant rosemary bush from the greenhouse, in remembrance of her life. Her friends gathered, they sang and they spoke of her -with much love and honor. She was indeed an amazing and wonderful person.

My grandpa passed away a few years later and we did the same for him, a few family and friends could swear they heard the sounds of celebration and laughter in his bedroom where the vigil was being held after he died. I choose to believe it was more of my lovely family coming to meet him on the other side as he crossed over.

Grandpa had lived a full and good life, he was a world champion race walker and accomplished pianist, author and professor. When he died I wondered who would play the piano for him at his funeral, as he was the one who played for everyone else’s funerals and significant occasions.

I soon found out that he’d had that problem covered- for at his funeral a recording sounded on the speakers throughout the grand old church- it was grandpa, playing the piano - a piece he'd chosen for himself.

I should have known!!

These people taught me so much about a good life and a good death. I’m forever grateful to them.

My father died 12 years ago on Feb 17^th at the Veterans Hospital in Palo Alto California, just yesterday, so I want to mention him in this essay as well. As with my grandparents, my father also suffered from cancer and died from it.

I'm sure your coffee is either long sipped away or grown cold by now . . . thanks for stopping by to read my blog!

Luv,

Fawn

. . . I’ve learned to give in to this energy that consumes me each February -and acknowledge it through writing.

Some photos . . . update

2009-02-03T09:03:00Z

I'm working keen nights . . . very late nights, now that my schedule has changed.I'm sorry for the new confusion . . . I'm a night owl until the long three day weekends, when I visit a different beautiful natural place and explore it. I sometimes need someone to pinch me - the colors and such are beyond real here in Oregon!

Ken had a neck injury from his farm work . . . this beaming reflection is aimed just perfectly where he needs it most . . . healing light!

I hope you have an awesome day!

Green and Relaxed

2009-01-08T13:10:00Z

I haven't blogged in a long time - my days have been filled with starting a new life in a new state. Oregon is the greenest place I've ever lived and every day a new place to explore. I have a new love in my life and this is taking some of my time along with enjoying the newness of a career change in the field of nursing. My daughter is in her second semester of college and this is a big adjustment for me . . . now I have only one left in the nest to nurture until grown. All combined equals less time on keen these last few months, however I will always be available Monday wee hours 1am to 9am each day until Thursday am EST. If you want to catch me online, I'm here checking and taking calls all these hours. I'm also available the other days but not as consistently. I hope you all are enjoying a peaceful new year!!

Luv,

Fawn

Corvallis, Oregon's Halloween Festival- Photo Journal

2008-10-31T23:23:00Z

For those of you who won't be getting out to a costume party this year, I thought I'd share a fun fall halloween street event going on today. All these little children and grown ups are out sharing candy this afternoon.

Dorothy, Toto and Tinkerbell

The pregnant fairy queen

A greyhound dog dressed as a greyhound bus!

the monster mash

funny young teens

Josie fairy princess

Pagan leaf lady

Merlin and Witch at the book store

Mom and daughter wiches

homemade treats from the bakery

pushing babe in drag

funny nose

cat in hat and little critters

snow white

street fairy

defiant octopus boy

thundering street music

Have a safe hallow's eve!