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NEW WEB PAGE UNVEILED TODAY

SYMONNE — Thu, 10 Mar 2011 03:19:00 GMT

SO EXCITED - NEW WEB PAGE - CHECK IT OUT - LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK - CLICK ON THE LINK BELOW OR ON MY NAME ABOVE OR TO THE RIGHT - HOPE TO HEAR FROM YOU SOON.

http://www.keen.com/SYMONNE

"Eels and Other Slippery Critters" - Part Eight In the Emotional Unavailability Series

SYMONNE — Tue, 28 Dec 2010 09:37:00 GMT

"I don't know if I'm ready to make a commitment." "Marriage is an obsolete institution invented by _______________ [fill in the blank].

These are the statements made by the "Slippery Critter" - the person, according to Bryn C. Collins, in her book "Emotional Unavailability" that just can't quite commit to ANYTHING or ANYONE. Or at least can't commit to anything YOU may want or desire. A "Slippery Critter" can come close - that's how we get duped - he or she will come so close - share a checkbook, share a home, even have a child with you - but what the "Slippery Critter" won't give you - is his or her word - or a commitment. Why because he or she is emotionally unavailable.

Oh sure, you will get a half-hearted promise about an eventual commitment at some later date when some type of unnamed conditions are right or when some type of unnamed goal is reached. But let's be clear - the "Slippery Critter" will commit when they serve ice water in Hell. In the meantime, you are stuck with an unfulfilled relationship and with no magnet, or glimmer of hope.

Don't make the mistake of letting those distant and elusive goals set by the "Slippery Critter" become YOUR goals or YOUR primary focus. The "Slippery Critter" will somehow manage to convince you that assisting him or her in achieving these goals is in someway helpful to YOU getting what YOU want - but baby, "it's all in the masquerade."

If by some miracle the "Slippery Critter" actually achieves the goal that stands in the way of commitment - somehow - someway - the bar gets raised and another goal will miraculously appear to take its place. AND then, of course, the new goal must be reached and achieved before any commitment to you can be honored.

Therein, lies the hook. You have been hooked by the great and powerful "Slippery Critter" and his or her - crazy non-existent goals.

How then, can you get unhooked?

You have to learn to set limits. ask for what you want, not in a screaming banshee kind of way. Of course the "Slippery Critter" can drive us to distraction - but stay cool - unemotional - the "Slippery Critter" hates emotion. That's when they become even more slippery and slimy - if that can be imagined. Be specific with your timing requests - EXAMPLE: "We should maybe revisit our commitment in six months." And then, be prepared for the departure of the "Slippery Critter" because her or she absolutely cannot tolerate solid expectations, clear limits or adult - COMMITTED - relationships.

But keep hope alive, recovering from a meet-up with a "Slippery Critter" can be done - it takes time, and it takes rebuilding trust in others AND in yourself.

But - by then you won't need ice water - 'cause you won't be in Hell anymore.

Ever had to tangle with a "Slippery Critter?" Tell me how you survived.

NEXT UP: Part Nine in the Emotional Unavailability Series - "James Bond: Spies and Lies."

“The One In the Mirror: Narcissists and Other Self Lovers” - Part Seven - In the Emotional Unavailability Series

SYMONNE — Sun, 28 Nov 2010 06:30:00 GMT

Yep, he (or she) has done it - managed to get you ALL wrapped up in their life, their pursuits, their dreams, their ambitions, their hopes - all to the complete and total denigration of ANY and EVERYTHING you personally care about. Who is this person? Someone you are involved with that is emotionally unavailable. WHY? Because they are a complete and total Narcissist - they can't possible love you. WHY? Because they are totally and completely in love with themselves ALREADY.

Bryn C. Collins, in her book, "Emotional Unavailability" - describes this type of person - “The One In the Mirror: Narcissists and Other Self Lovers”

You get caught up with this type of craziness - because these folk have managed to wrap you all up into their universe - which unfortunately - is ONLY ALL about them. Narcissists can be be so captivating - so exciting - so engaging - but also so offensive and even almost predatory. These folk are to be avoided at all costs. They are human sharks, totally unable to feel anything or connect on any real level with anyone. They have this whole aura of grandiosity - they are so special - and can only be truly understood by another special person. That's how you get hooked - the Narcissist - convinces you that it is truly in your best interest to love them - SO much. They convince you that you should be honored to have the opportunity to love them. But - - - since the Narcissist believes that there really isn't anyone quite as special as they are - you can see how this is really a no win situation.

Narcissists have a highly exaggerated sense of entitlement - to everything and everyone - including you and your love. Not only do you owe them EVERYTHING - BUT the Narcissist wants you to be absolutely delighted with the opportunity to give it. NOW - couple this gross sense of entitlement with the Narcissists complete lack of empathy - i.e., the ability to feel for another (you) - and you have someone who is completely unable to reach out to anyone - but yet wants everyone to reach out to them. Emotional Unavailability - at the utmost.

A relationship with a Narcissist is fraught with frustration because no matter what you do - it isn't good enough. Then to top it all off - while you are smarting from each rejection - because somehow you couldn't read their mind and get it right - new demands are constantly being placed upon you - which in turn you also won't be able to adequately meet - so you see the vicious cycle continues. And . . . let's not forget your own needs, which get moved to the deep freezer, abandoned warehouse, back of the closet with the mothballs, another country - another planet.

So how do we get hooked up with these folks? First of all, people who are full of themselves are very intoxicating - very appealing - because narcissism at first blush looks like confidence - it looks like ultimate SWAGGER. And folks who have confidence are magnetic. Confident people - who are not narcissistic share their confidence with the people around them. You are actually enriched by your dealings with the confident person. Confident people enjoy building up the strengths of those around them - particularly the people that they love.

But the Narcissist is only focused upon building their own strengths and they will become leaches on your energy drawing everything from you in an almost parasitic fashion. The hook comes from the mistaken belief - and ultimate illusion that you are in a partnership of something that is truly special and wonderful - but that is just the Narcissists view of himself or herself in the world - and really there is no room for anyone else in the equation.

All you get from dealing with the Narcissist is the satisfaction of making the Narcissist feel good about himself or herself - an enterprise that requires constant maintenance. Pretty doggone appealing - but I think I'll pass [inject dripping sarcasm here]. If the Narcissist doesn't feel constantly attended to, he or she will withdraw from you - AND then turn around and make it feel like the denigration and breakdown of the relationship is all your fault. Nervy !!!! You get the message - if you don't get on the train you will be left on the station platform without a ticket and no money - total and complete abandonment.

Narcissists choose people who are pleasers by nature - because the threat of abandonment - produces this flurry of activity - to maintain the alliance at all costs. This behavior is an ultimate control mechanism. When you finally tire of the Narcissist - tire of trying to meet his or her every need without the slightest bit of appreciation, acknowledgment or emotional connection - you are left with lots of frustration, confusion and self-blame. "You weren't good enough to be in a real relationship" - that's the tape that the Narcissist has planted in your head.

But recovery can come - disentangle yourself from this type of emotionally unavailable individual. If you are tired of holding the mirror for someone else and giving appreciation - while receiving nothing in return - begin the process of walking away.

HAVE YOU EVER DEALT WITH A SELF-LOVING NARCISSIST? WHAT DID YOU DO TO ESCAPE?

Next Up: "Eels and Other Slippery Critters - Part Eight in the Emotional Unavailability Series.

"EMOTIONAL EINSTEIN: THE THINKING PERSON'S LOVE" - PART SIX IN THE EMOTIONAL UNAVAILABILITY SERIES

SYMONNE — Tue, 26 Oct 2010 04:36:00 GMT

QUESTION: “Do You Love Me?”
ANSWER: “Yes, but I’m wondering if I love you in the in the romantic sense or in the universal sense - or in the words of Prince Charles, ‘Yes, Whatever Love Means.’”

This is a conversation between a woman in love and her soon to be ex-lover who is an emotionally unavailable “Emotional Einstein.” An “Emotional Einstein” is someone who has a “thinking persons” love. To an “Emotional Einstein” - the only thing that makes any sense at all is thought - why, because something as concrete as love, can be carefully controlled and is therefore safe - but - emotions, are turbulent, unpredictable, and uncontrollable and therefore must be and will be avoided by the “Emotional Einstein” at any and all costs.

Bryn C. Collins, in her book Emotional Unavailability - outlines several types of emotionally unavailable partners - those folk that those of us looking for true and abiding love must avoid at all costs.

What the “Emotional Einstein” does not understand is that love is NOT an intellectual exercise and emotional connections are NOT made though the brain. “Emotional Einsteins” are most obvious because of their amazing capacity to put EVERYTHING into intellectual terms. For an “Emotional Einstein” to experience ANYTHING - including love, it must be analyzed, dissected, quantified, qualified, categorized, and tied into a neat little THINKING package - and so they constantly and consistently dismiss loving emotional actions, thoughts and feelings. Being in a relationship with an “Emotional Einstein” means that NOTHING will go un-analyzed - and there will absolutely be NO emotional surprises, or emotional moments.

Even if an emotional moment arises - like birth or death, or receiving the Nobel Peace Prize - the “Emotional Einstein” will and has to remain stoic and carefully controlled so that they don’t break loose and get, well, emotional.

If you even attempt to create or inject any type of turbulent, unpredictable, uncontrollable emotional stuff into your relationship with an “Emotional Einstein" he or she will look at you like YOU have lost your mind. And worse yet, they really won’t “get it.” In the words of a famous actress the “sensitivity chip” is truly missing - if it was ever present at all.

So, you can have the “Emotional Einstein” as a partner, if you want to. But, you will always have to ensure that you don’t demand an emotional, non-intellectual, relationship and you march to the beat of the “Emotional Einstein’s” very measured beat - which will consist of logistical, thinking, unemotional steps - all along the way.

Even the breakup with the “Emotional Einstein” will be intellectualized. For those of us with love and passion and feelings and emotional vigor in our hearts - this type is not for us.

Have you ever been in love with an “Emotional Einstein”? How did you handle that?

NEXT UP: “The One In the Mirror: Narcissists and Other Self Lovers” - Part Seven - In the Emotional Unavailability Series

NO - You Cannot Get Him To Change . . . And Quiet as It's Kept - You Probably Don't Even Want Him To

SYMONNE — Wed, 20 Oct 2010 08:04:00 GMT

I ran across this poem on one of my favorite blogs: "The Black Snob" - wonderful satirical girlie-girl humor - but in any case I thought it pretty profound and decided to share it with you.

CHANGE
I ran across the desert
I came across a fallen star
He was out there mourning
For a galaxy afar
He said he came from heaven
He was a satellite, you see
He longs to get back there
But he’s stuck here with me

We ran to the lights of Las Vegas
We gambled every dime
We won a million dollars
Then lost it all on number nine
I told him I build him a space ship
To take us to Galilee
But he lied, he was banned from heaven
For not believing in mercy

You want to say you love me
But I want you to change
But you can’t change a person
You can only rearrange
Your conflicting feelings
Tell me how you really feel
If this time is forever
How come it’s not real?

He said that he was thirsty
I brought him a glass half full
He drank until it was half empty
Then jumped in the hotel swimming pool
He shouldn’t have jumped in there
He did not know how to swim
He drank too much liquor
Now the water’s done him in

I ran into a Bob
He told me I was going to jail
I didn’t really hear him
Thought he said I was going to hell
I told him I almost saw heaven
Because I once loved a star
And now he’s back floating up there
Where ever the stars are

The books have all been read
And the library is closed
There is no next chapter
Only the end, I suppose
Look now, I’m no pessimist
But my glass is all empty
And I cannot fill it up
There’s no water left for me

I emptied out the oceans
I swept up all the sands
I dusted off the memories
I dried up all the land
I turned out the very last light
In the very last home
I’ve killed off all my little darlings
Now I'm finally alone

You want to say you love me
But I want you to change
But you can't change a person
You can only rearrange
Your conflicting feelings
Tell me how you really feel
If this time is forever
How come it's not real?

EVER TRIED TO CHANGE SOMEONE - ONLY TO FIND YOURSELF FRUSTRATED AND DEFEATED?

STILL TO COME: Part Six in the "Emotionally Unavailable" Series: "Emotional Einstein: The Thinking Person's Love"

"Holics: Alca . . ., Coca . . ., Spenda . . ., Sexa . . ., Worka . . ." - Part Five in the "Emotionally Unavailable" Series

SYMONNE — Mon, 04 Oct 2010 21:30:00 GMT

Addiction includes a powerful physical (and mental) dependence on an object, activity or substance. Addiction and Obsession cover behavior that revolves around repetitive behavioral choices that reflect an obsessive (and likewise unhealthy) focus.

When we think about love and managing, growing and cultivating a loving partnered relationship we believe that on many levels we will represent the primary interest for or loves one. This will never work with a “Holic.” Because a “Holic” is already getting everything he or she wants for the object of their addiction - and they are getting this fulfillment without having to give anything back. So, therefore, the “Holic” is unable to make a loving connection with you - because he or she is already having a primary relationship with the obsessed behavior.

With a “Holic” the obsession is the primary emotional focus – therefore until the obsession is removed or least significantly under control - they will ALWAYS be emotionally unavailable to you – that critical position – the one you would like to hold - is already PERMANENTLY filled.

Bryn C. Collins, in her book“Emotional Unavailability” lays out an excellent blueprint for examining the NINE types of emotionally unavailable partners. The more equipped we are to recognize these types of individuals – they more likely we will be to effectively steer clear of them and avoid an avalanche of heartache.

We can actually divide “Holics” into two rather distinct groups: (1) Behavior “Holics”; and (2) Substance “Holics.” There is common ground between BOTH types of “Holics.” First of all, the obsessive focus upon the addictive behavior overrides EVERYTHING else. Second, the addictive behavior is rarely, if ever, apparent upon first meeting the individual. It is not until you know the person more intimately that the addictive patterns in behavior begin to show up and destroy everything within its path. And, by then – you are already hooked and involved. Third, the obsession takes up an enormous amount of emotional, mental and physical energy - for both you and your partner – leaving little if any time, attention or energy for ANYTHING else.

When we speak about “Holics” – of either type – we are not talking about people who merely like to do certain things or who really enjoy their work or hobbies – or a little recreational partying. When we talk about “Holics” within this context – we are talking about people who can’t think of anything other than their obsession. Every conversation is either about the obsession, getting manipulated to be about the obsession; or, doesn’t occur at all because the person is off attending to his or her obsession – and is therefore totally and completely, mentally, physically and/or EMOTIONALLY unavailable to you.

Why do we tend to hang around these “Holics”?   Well, basically because of the drama – the adrenaline rush attached to these folks. There is something fascinating about someone so focused – and then it becomes a challenge to be able to attempt to distract the “Holic” – and get that focus transferred or redirected to you.

With regard to Behavior “Holics” the person is completely obsessed with the chosen behavior, which therefore means that the maximum slot you an ever hope to occupy is number two. The second group is the Substance “Holic.” If you are involved with a Substance “Holic” you are competing on an un-level playing field that will NEVER be equalized. THERE IS NOTHING ON THE PLANET OR OFF THAT IS MORE IMPORTANT TO THE SUBSTANCE “HOLIC” THAN THE DRUG. PERIOD. NO EXCEPTIONS.

Now the Substance “Holic” isn’t going to admit this to you. In fact the Substance “Holic” is going to tell you that you are the center of his or her world. As long as you continue to support the habit, you will receive this message. But the moment you being to set limits, keep your boundaries tight, and refuse to support the damaging behavior in anyway – emotionally, financially or behaviorally – suddenly the center of the world will shift for the “Holic.” Until you do set limits – though – your contributions to the negative behavior of the “Holic” will keep you in the relationship – AND – keep you in your subordinate position.

If you are in a relationship with a person who is addicted to a substance, there are two things you must absolutely NOT forget. These things are ABSOLUTE truths and they are UNCHANGING and IRREFUTABLE:

1.   You will ALWAYS play second fiddle to the substance;
2.   You are not now and will NEVER be powerful enough to cause your addicted partner to change, give up the substance, behave in a responsible way, or teat you in the way in which you deserve to be treated.

Whenever you finally lose your tolerance for only receiving a minuscule piece of the emotional pie within the relationship with a “Holic” and end the relationship, you then carry the bigger burden of sadness and pain – because the “Holic” still has his or her primary relationship – with the substance and/or object of the addiction or obsession - and has lost nothing – even after you have departed.

A relationship with this type of individual has many layers of unavailability – and unfortunately – none of the layers can be penetrated and allow you to end up on the winning end of the scenario.

HAVE YOU EVER BEHAVED LIKE A "HOLIC" OR BEEN INVOLVED WITH ONE - WHAT STEPS DID YOU TAKE TO CHANGE THINGS?

NEXT UP: Part Six in the "Emotionally Unavailable" Series: "Emotional Einstein: The Thinking Person's Love"

"HOW U DOIN'?"

SYMONNE — Sat, 02 Oct 2010 05:43:00 GMT

OMG!!!!!!

Well, we all know that life will in fact take over - but I'm back blogging. Over the course of my catch up blog posts - I will appraise you of all that has been going on in my life. I have not blogged - here on KEEN in almost TWO years - has it been that long? Not only that, but I was actually COMPLETELY off of KEEN as a reader for close to four months. Praise the Lord - nothing earth shattering - or horrific - was going on - although at times - I did feel a might overwhelmed - not a good time to do readings - I would proffer. Not fair to either of us - because I really do always try to lend my best. Just life, job, family, time constraints - but oh have I missed it and oh have I missed all of you.

Let me tell you what I discovered - yes - yes - there is always a "blessing in the storm." Now, here is the thing, you know when you have got some talent - and have truly provided a good service - because in less than no time - my business has returned to where it was and in many aspects it has surpassed where it was.

So, not only does that stand as a testament to the power of prayer, faith and the law of attraction - but it stands as a testament to ALL the good and great people that I have formed a relationship with here on KEEN through the years. I have always said that this KEEN platform is a "win-win" situation - please believe me when I say that I have been as - if not more - blessed by what I have gained FROM all of you - than what I have tried to provide in the way of service TO you.

So, all of that being said, "Mama's gettin' her mojo back" - getting organized - got clarity of thought and - after a really long break - "I'm Back" - and am going to pick back up - on KEEN and here on the KEEN Blog - exactly where I left off - with the "Emotional Unavailability" Series.

Feel free to let me know what ELSE you would like to see here on the blog, let me know what you need from me as a reader, counselor and friend, let me know what's going on in your lives - and let's tackle this crazy thing called life - TOGETHER.

Sure, we are all being affected by the wild ride that is gripping the country and the global world - right now - but I tell you this - Keep the Faith - keep it always - be still and know that there is a power far greater than we could ever imagine - that will keep, shield and hold us all - until the blessings flow abundantly once again.

So, sit back - relax, and let's catch up and move forward into a more powerful tomorrow for us all.

"How You Doin'?"

Always,

Symonne

NEXT UP: Part Five in the "Emotionally Unavailable" Series: "Holics: Alca . . ., Coca . . ., Spenda . . ., Sexa . . ., Worka . . ."

Why Are The "Bad Boys" So Appealing?

SYMONNE — Sun, 14 Dec 2008 22:20:00 GMT

"The Bad Boys." Why do we even bother? Generally speaking most people we interact with are willing AND able to make some necessary changes to get along, become more appealing, and improve interactions with others. But then . . . there are "The Bad Boys"? "Bad Boys" are so toxic they can not OR will not change. So why do we get involved with them in the first place and more importantly - why do we stay hooked to them?

Bryn C, Collins addresses this notion in detail in her book, Emotional Unavailability. Here on my Blog - I've been doing a whole series on Emotional Unavailability, toxic relationships and our addiction to them, using Ms. Collins' book as a guide. Central to this issue of Emotional Unavailability and toxicity in relationships is our own addiction to . . . The "Bad Boy". If you have ever asked yourself . . . "What was I thinking?" . . . well then welcome to the human race. Most of us have gotten ourselves into at least one of these toxic, distant, emotionally unavailable relationships - only to find ourselves, emotionally devastated and trashed and doubting our own self worth and ability to make reasoned decisions in relationships.

Our choice to get involved with the "Bad Boy" has to do with many issues. First, people who seem to need repairs to their essential selves are really terribly appealing and tempting. We all seem to buy into the notion that a good relationship can in fact - and indeed change a person.

What is really the truth is that a good relationship can enhance someone and expend them BUT - it can not - I repeat - CAN NOT change them. The only thing that EVER changes a person is his or her own willingness and desire to change - his or her own choice to change. If a person is willing to make a change in terms of how he or she processes and/or experiences the world - you will be able to see that right up front - pretty early in the relationship. The issue comes when you get yourself involved with a "Bad Boy" and he wants YOU to change in unhealthy ways - or causes you to begun to function in a less than fully emotional way - because he in fact is so emotionally unavailable.

The really seductive thing about this process is how you come to believe that if YOU change a little, then you partner - the "Bad Boy" will also change a little and match your desire for change. This is where the "Bad Boy" dance begins. You then begin to surrender whole parts of yourself in the hopes that your partner - the "Bad Boy" will begin - at some point to live up to pleas and promises - and your repeated requests for change.

Meanwhile the whole objective of this toxic person - the "Bad Boy" is to keep you dancing in the distance - as he is able to get all of his needs met -while you keep trying to find that magic formula that will finally turn everything around.

Guess What My Friends? There is no magic formula. As long as you keep trying to make everything perfect, the toxic person - this "Bad Boy" is getting exactly what he wants. You can go ahead and ask for what you want, make a firm stand, or even begin to push for change - but it won't work and you really need to be prepared for the end of the relationship.

This or course will be a very painful process because you have been doing all the work in the relationship to begin with - so you are the one with a huge emotional investment in the outcome.

These relationships with the "Bad Boys" - these are the relationships that make us wistful and leave us sniffling, and sniveling, and peeing and crying,

Just remember though, you didn't break them so its not your job to fix them. You will be so much better off - utilizing your time to work on strengthening yourself so that you will be able to spot, and choose a healthy and whole relationship in the future.

Ever run into a Bad Boy" that you thought you could fix? Tell me about it. Trust me you are not alone.

NEXT UP: Part Five in the "Emotionally Unavailable" Series: "Holics: Alca . . ., Coca . . ., Spenda . . ., Sexa . . ., Worka . . ."

"Mama's Boys" and "Daddy's Girls" - Emotional Unavailability - Part 4

SYMONNE — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 21:34:00 GMT

Mama's Boys and Daddy's Girls - these folks have grown up totally secure in the belief that they - and they alone - hung the moon. Mom and Dad gave them everything - everything that is - except emotional connections. When you are dealing with a Mama' s Boy or a Daddy's Girl - the first problem is that it is highly unlikely that Mom or Dad will ever fully relinquish any presence in the life of your beloved. That's a big 'ole problem for you - as Princess Di once famously said: "there were three of us in this marriage . . ." And, I'm telling you this kind of situation ain't good.

As we continue our look at the whole notion of "Emotional Unavailability" I am drawing from the book by Bryn C. Collins. When dealing with a Mama's Boy or Daddy's Girl, you will find that their expectation is for you - like Mom and Dad - to become a cheering member of their admiration society. But not even a full member - 'cause Mom and Dad already have that covered - therefore you are like a satellite member. How boring and self-absorbed is that?

The other problem with this kind of relationship - is that your love is always going to be compared, generally and unfavorably, to the love that Mama and Daddy offered. Often this is measured materially. It always becomes a case of "Daddy would have gotten me . . . ." or "Mama never got upset when . . . "

The love they got from Mama or Daddy was a boundary-free love - not an unconditional love. There is a huge difference. Unconditional love means that "I love you through thick and thin and we will get though anything together - as long as you are acting like a reasonable person. A boundary-free love means that "I don't care who you slash and burn, how many banks you rob, how long it takes you to get a job - I will always fix it and I will always love you." See the difference?

So Mama's Boys and Daddy's Girls receive over time a very unique message: "I'm special, rules don't apply to me, if I get consequences Mom or Dad will fix it." These folks clearly come to earnestly believe that they can do anything they want. In order to function in any kind of relationship there has to be structure - and these folks have absolutely no sense of structure - particularly in matters of the heart and love. They have no sense of structure and no sense of consequences. When you are in a relationship with someone like this - you have on your hands - someone who will never take responsibility, never take ownership and never really be a true partner - because they are emotionally unavailable.

Mama's Boys and Daddy's Girls have been protected by their parents from all potentially painful and therefore learning experiences. They never had to feel their feelings - 'cause Mama and Daddy always kiss the boo-boo and make the hurt go away. So, if you are in a relationship with a Mama's Boy or a Daddy's Girl, you can expect a negative return on your emotional investment. This of course will lead to enormous frustration on your part. The relationship will abruptly end - if you even dare to ask for any completion on the circle of emotion or dare suggest that your partner's behavior has had any consequences or that you are displeased with something she or she has said or done.

Then there you are - left bruised and confused - because your reasonable expectations have been shattered. But don't second-guess your own belief system - the good news is - now you can move on to someone who is emotionally available.

Ever run into a Mama's Boy or a Daddy's Girl? I'm sure it wasn't pretty. But let me know what your experience was.

NEXT UP: Part Five in the "Emotionally Unavailable" Series: "Holics: Alca . . ., Coca . . ., Spenda . . ., Sexa . . ., Worka . . ."

13 Signs You Are Involved In A Toxic Relationship - "The Baker's Dozen"

SYMONNE — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 08:38:00 GMT

Yes, we will get back to the Emotional Unavailability Series - however, in the meantime - I've been getting great responses to my Blogs dealing with The Art of Staying Hooked - You CAN Unhook Yourself - Really You Can and How Toxic Is My Relationship? - A Test We All Need To Take. With that in mind - and because recognizing, dealing with and detaching from toxic relationships is in fact related to the whole issue of Emotional Availability - I'd like to share with you this little list of 13 warning signs of a toxic relationship:

THE BAKER'S DOZEN OF TOXIC RELATIONSHIP WARNING SIGNS

1. You Are The Problem. The toxic person is unwilling or unable to take responsibility - or own any part of the problem he or she had a part in creating. Instead, you are told all the time that if you were only better, richer, prettier, taller, thinner, or smarter, then there would be no problem.

2. Controlling Behavior or Extreme Jealously. Your partner wants to run every moment of your life or is really jealous of anyone or anything else that takes up any of your time or interest. Warning - this person wants to own and absorb you.

3. No Boundaries. The toxic person has no boundaries - whatsoever - and will in turn absolutely ignore any boundaries you try to set. The toxic person wants to completely destroy any bounds between the two of you - that way you will cease to exist as a separate entity. People who lack boundaries believe they have the right to do anything they wish.

4. Violence. You cannot tolerate any violence in any relationship - for any reason - no matter what. PERIOD. There is no excuse, explanation, rationalization, clarification, or justification for interpersonal violence in a relationship - of any kind - for any reason. If your relationship includes violence - IT IS NOT A RELATIONSHIP. You must leave.

5. Conning or Criminal Behavior. If you are in a relationship with someone who is engaging in criminal behavior, you could possibly come under suspension even if you are not directly involved. If you are being conned by someone, you must exit the relationship.

6. Addictions. If a person is unable to break an addiction to drugs or alcohol, you need to make the decision to end the relationship. The toxic person's relationship is with the drugs or alcohol - not you. If the addicted person wants the relationship with you badly enough - he or she will be willing to get clean and stay clean,

7. Cheating, Affairs and/or Other Unusual Sexual Practices. People who demand you accept unusual sexual behaviors, including affairs, as a prerequisite for being in a relationship with them - are toxic for you - unless you don't have a problem with these behaviors. If you tell your partner that you are not comfortable with certain behaviors and he or she continues to engage in such behavior and in the process continues to hurt and belittle you - that is a toxic relationship.

8. Commitment Phobia. If your longstanding partner is unwilling or unable to EVER commit to you in a relationship in a formal way, you have to accept the fact that this is a toxic relationship and that person will probably never commit.

9. Put-downs, Insults, and Teasing. A little love teasing is not a bad thing, however, if your partner persists in saying and doing hurtful things to you in public or relentlessly teases you - this is toxic behavior.

10. Black and White Thinking. Lack of flexibility in your partner's thinking can really indicate a toxic relationship. If you partner is unable to ever see the gray area - this is a toxic relationship where you will be allowed little room to express yourself or make mistakes. You are going to always be condemned - as wrong or bad - and this is a toxic relationship.

11. Yes, But . . . If you hear more excuses than explanations in your relationship and if every confrontation or attempt at communication is met with "yes, but . . ." you are dealing with a person who is unwilling to own his or her behavior. A person who needs someone else to blame all the time and who never takes any responsibility is toxic and will lead you into a toxic relationship.

12. Double Binds. A double bind is s situation in which no matter what you do, you will be wrong. If a double bind ALWAYS comes from your partner - meaning that "you are damned if you do "X" and you are likewise damned if you'd chosen to do "Y"" - that is a toxic relationship

13. Lying. Sure, everyone tells a white lie from time to time - or even spins a whopper every blue moon - HOWEVER - someone who lies all the time about small insignificant things - a person who routinely lies - someone who pathologically lies - about any and everything - is someone that will involve you in a toxic relationship.

I hope this has been helpful for you - if we know the deal and can measure the deal - then we can get order to ourselves and rise upward and onward into a new season that includes a healthy, happy and non-toxic relationship.

TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK. HAVE I MISSED ANY TOXIC SIGNS? WHAT ARE YOUR EXPERIENCES DEALING WITH TOXIC LOVED ONES? I'D LOVE TO HEAR YOUR POINT OF VIEW.

NEXT UP: Part Four in the "Emotionally Unavailable" Series: "Mama's Boys and Daddy's Girls."

How Toxic Is My Relationship? - A Test We ALL Need To Take

SYMONNE — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 19:32:00 GMT

Oh sure there are lots of warning signs along the way - warning signs that you may in fact be involved in a TOXIC relationship - and no one sign is a total answer that you may need to send that loved one packing - but if you start to notice a pattern - then you may in fact need to take a much closer look at exactly what is going on in the relationship - BEFORE -you make any kind of emotional commitment yourself to further involvement.

Sure anyone can make a mistake - who among us hasn't done something both in and out of relationships that we may in fact come to regret at a later time. But if you begin to see a pattern - then my friends - "HOUSTON - WE HAVE A PROBLEM?"

A pattern should serve to put you on notice that that you are in a relationship that may in fact be TOXIC.

THE TEST

HOW TOXIC IS MY RELATIONSHIP?

Rate each statement from 1 (meaning "not at all") to 6 (meaning "perfect match") by comparing your relationship. Write the corresponding number down to the left of each question.

______ 1. My partner has hit or pushed me.
______ 2. My partner calls me names, puts me down/teases me.
______ 3. My partner lies to me.
______ 4. My partner has had more than one outside relationship.
______ 5. My partner cheats people out of money/material goods.
______ 6. My partner steals.
______ 7. My partner abuses drugs or is an alcoholic.
______ 8. My partner threatens me with violence or abandonment.
______ 9. My partner is unable to make a commitment.
_____ 10. My partner always demands his/her way.
_____ 11. My partner can't hold a job.
_____ 12. My partner has huge, unpredictable mood swings.
_____ 13. My partner violates my boudaries.
_____ 14. My partner and I do not communicate well.
_____ 15. My partner clings tightly to me.
_____ 16. My partner is jealous.
_____ 17. There is NO trust in our relationship.
_____ 18. My partner has rages.
_____ 19. My partner tries to control my life.
_____ 20. My partner has no self control with food/money/alcohol.
_____ 21. I never know what to expect/he/she is a chameleon.
_____ 22. My partner says directly or indirectly-not good enough.
_____ 23. My partner is a "black-and-white" thinker.
_____ 24. My partner has no close friends/not close to family.
_____ 25. My partner has spent time in jail or prison.
_____ 26. My partner responds to me with "yes, but . . . "
_____ 27. My partner tries to keep me away from friends/family.
_____ 28. My partner is cruel to my pets, children or family.
_____ 29. My partner has few emotional reactions to anything.
_____ 30. My partner brings up everything from my past - acts as if I am the only one with issues.

Now add up your points to come up with your score:

Under 54 - Your relationship is open and connected-may need a "tune-up."
55 - 70 - Some problems, but workable without intervention.
80 - 109 - There is lots of room for improvement.
110 - 134 -Get ready for a rocky and potentially TOXIC relationship.
135 - 159 - This relationship is probably not workable.
Over 60 - CAUTION - THIS IS A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP

How did you guys fair with your scores? Let me know. Haven't we all been there? Let me know if this was helpful for you.

DO YOU HAVE ANY - THAT I'VE MISSED? - LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU WOULD ADD TO THE LIST

NEXT UP: "The Baker's Dozen of TOXIC Warning Signs."

STILL TO COME: Part Four in the "Emotionally Unavailable" Series: "Mama's Boys and Daddy's Girls."

"Tens and Other Trophies" - Emotional Unavailability - Part 3

SYMONNE — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 23:19:00 GMT

OMG - "Oh Mah Gawd" - He looks just like, JFK, Jr, or Brad Pitt, or Will Smith - and that is the sole attraction - your attraction to being with someone who is so attractive.

This is Part 3 in our series of "Emotional Unavailability" - "Tens and Other Trophies"

Bryn C. Collins, the author of "Emotional Unavailability" says that there are actually Nine Emotionally Unavailable Types and therefore all nine of these types are a straight up waste of our time (I'm paraphrasing). But seriously, we can't change these folks, convert them, help them, cause them to see the light - the only thing we can do for them is get ourselves away from them.

Whereas Indiana Jones - The Dangerous Man relies upon the fact that he is so "dangerous" such a "bad boy" in order to cast his spell - Tens and Other Trophies rely upon their physical beauty and the power of our attraction to that physical beauty in order to get involved without getting involved - in essence to stay emotionally unavailable.

The Tens and Other Trophies - got the message early on in life - their looks - their pure physical attractiveness was a better asset than anything else they had to offer - and so they have worked all their lives to develop that one asset - to the denigration of developing any other asset - including emotional attachment and availability. They have learned throughout their lives that it is a low emotional risk to them to have an adoring, genuflecting, totally enthralled individual - completely captured by their looks. They are therefore able to capture and portray the illusion of a connection - without actually giving anything back.

"Do you like this shirt on me?"
"Does my hair look ok?"

It is all about them and their looks - sure they are asking you questions - engaging you in conversation - but the conversation is all about them - and most of the time - always about their looks.

You meanwhile - are so happy that someone so delectable has chosen you - that you don't even notice the narcissism and just go happily along - further endorsing the Ten and his self-absorption - UNTIL . . . The Big Dump.

Your role in the relationship was defined from the get-go. You are in charge of admiration and adoration. It is your job to complement and compliment, and please by all means - please step to the side and out of the light so that the Ten can properly bask in all his glory.

It really is another form of objectification. The key here is understanding just how low the Tens self-esteem really is - no matter that he portrays just the opposite to you and the rest of the world. If you come to believe that your only value is the trophy to the Ten - then you become a victim in this vacuous relationship - and the Ten - has not connected with you on even the smallest level - why? - Because the Ten - is Emotionally Unavailable.

It may take a while for you to catch on the the real problem here - because you are so happy to be with a Ten. But sooner or later the glow will wear off - and even the reflected glow of the Tens spotlight - isn't enough for you anymore - you start to horror of all horrors - want to talk about something other than the Ten - that's when you get The Big Dump.

Sure you've been offered exposure to real beauty by being with the Ten - but that eventually becomes - just not enough - because your own heart needs attention. Beauty is not an Emotion - and that is why the Ten is Emotionally Unavailable.

Now sometimes the Ten will attract a Trophy Hunter. These are kinda "mutually parasitic" relationships. This scenario becomes like "Emotional Unavailability" Squared. Each person's agenda is getting met - so it may take a really long time for the magic to wear off - in this scenario and The Big Dump to occur.

The person that is attracted to the beauty of the Ten is on a different kind of "high" or adrenaline rush that the person that seeks out Indiana Jones - The Dangerous Man - as we discussed in a previous post. When you are attracted to the Ten - just because they are a Ten - you are achieving a point of pride and accomplishment - by association. Others are looking and jealous - because you have such a beautiful man.

I'm not saying that all handsome men are Tens and Emotionally Unavailable. What distinguishes the Ten is that they have a real emotional distance that they keep from anyone who tries to connect and be a part of their life. Wow - it must get pretty lonely trying to hold the world at arm's length - based upon something as superficial as your looks.

And, the break-up with the Ten is really hard too - because it attacks your own self-esteem. You have been getting all this "glow-by association" from being the partner of the Ten - and suddenly you have been replaced. You'd have to be a really grounded person - not to wonder - if only for a moment if that might not have happened if you'd been more attractive. This speculation can then serve to drive you nuts - and take you down a truly slippery slope. So avoid all that negativity - find a genuine (and yes handsome) guy - who is emotionally available.

EVER RUN ACROSS A "TEN" OR "OTHER TROPHY" IN YOUR LIFE? LET ME KNOW.

NEXT UP: Part Four in the "Emotionally Unavailable" Series: "Mama's Boys and Daddy's Girls"

The Art of Staying Hooked - You CAN Unhook Yourself - Really You Can

SYMONNE — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 04:12:00 GMT

I thought I'd take just a little break from the "Emotionally Unavailability" Series to talk about a different but certainly related topic - of "Being Hooked" - being hooked on someone that isn't good for you and thereafter determining - really purposing in your mind - that you want to get unhooked and move on into a new season of joy and dignity and decency in your life.

There are really five reasons at the root of how and why you are hooked. And the basis for all five reasons - at the root of all five is CONTROL:

CONTROL through Power
CONTROL through Weakness
CONTROL through Servitude
CONTROL through Guilt
CONTROL through Jealousy

What this mans is that you can get hooked because someone is asserting Power over you - Power not in a good way - not supporting you or steering you to something positive but controlling you and asserting power over you in ways that prevent you from being your own best self and it also serves to prevent you from having a equal share of Power in the relationship overall.

The other means of control comes though Weakness - exploiting a Weakness that you have within yourself - maybe you've shared a secret or the other person knows of a particular vulnerability you have because of something you have gone though in the past. Then instead of bolstering you - supporting you, promoting you and helping you to grow stronger - they instead exploit your Weakness and use it to maintain you - and keep you in a vulnerable place of Weakness in the relationship.

Sure you are a nurturing kind of gal - nothing wrong with that - you love to love your man - he's king of the castle and that is fine with you - Right? Sure that's fine if your efforts are appreciated and reciprocated. But if you are serving a king that doesn't deserve to be the head of the household - a man who is pressuring you into a role of Servitude and asserting control over you in that way - with no regard to giving anything of themselves within the relationship - then that is an unhealthy control and one that will keep you hooked in Servitude

Control via Guilt - that's a bad one too - a use of the unhealthy emotion of Guilt - to keep you in involved in a relationship - keep you hooked out of obligation and manipulation based upon Guilt - which will only serve to keep you downtrodden emotionally in a relationship that is ultimately bad for you. Someone that uses your nurturing kindness and keeps you hooked in an unloving relationship out of the manipulation of Guilt - is not someone who truly loves you - and definitely not someone you should stay hooked to.

Do we want someone no one else wants? Certainly not - but when someone toys with your emotions - and uses Jealously - purposefully to control you and keep you hooked in a relationship - that sort of behavior is not only cruel but a show of deep manipulation and control.

Don't stay hooked - Don't stay controlled - Take back you own Power and Unhook yourself from someone who is controlling you - and not loving and respecting you in the manner in which you deserve.

EVER BEEN HOOKED? HOW DID YOU UNHOOK YOURSELF? PLEASE LET ME KNOW.

NEXT UP: Part Three in the "Emotionally Unavailable" Series: "Tens and Other Trophies"

"Indiana Jones: The Dangerous Man" - Emotional Unavailability - Part 2

SYMONNE — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 00:24:00 GMT

You met him in a "high intensity" situation - according to Bryn C. Collins, author of Emotional Unavailability.

"Indiana Jones: The Dangerous Man" - does he ever love drama, cliff diving, bungee jumping, race-car driving. He will woo you with tales of all his travels to the most exotic locals and exciting death-defying events he's been subject to. It could also be his career - such a sensitive soul to have pulled all those people from a burning building in his job as a firefighter - has he regaled you with stories of how he survived in Iraq? But he's sooooo cool - a cool rescuer and a cool and smooth operator. He never lets you see him sweat - AND he never lets you see his heart or his emotions. He is in two words: "EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE."

What he gives off is a steady stream of calm and a steady flow of adrenaline - and then you my dears, get adrenaline-by-proxy - just being in his presence. You then get hooked on chasing the dream with this fool - you find yourself following him on all his nutty exploits - or at a minimum sitting through his endless stories - about himself - where it is only all about him and not about you - cause who can take time to nurture a relationship when he's got all this other stuff going on? RIGHT? Wrong.

Whereas the Romeo we discussed in the previous post is all focused on you - Indiana Jones is completely focused on events and excitement. With HIM - HE alone is the one that is cast in the central role. All action - HIS - and no INTERACTION with you. And as long as you continue to sit at his feet and be the "rah-rah girl" and spectator to all his exploits - then it's all good in the neighborhood. But if you dare to look for any emotional support for yourself or real involvement in the relationship - DEAD END - for you.

So why are we ladies soooo attracted to Indiana Jones? Simple: Adrenaline and Excitement are TURN-ONS.

With the Romeo - with no balcony - who slips away silently. Indiana Jones - goes off in a blaze of glory - is there any other way? He's way too busy doing all his exciting and important stuff to be bothered - he's off on his adventure, and you are no longer on the schedule - 'cause you just can't keep up (who could?) and you just don't understand.

Indiana Jones finds his value - his emotional core and value - in what he does - not in who he is - and that is why - he has no emotions to give - to you - and is therefore Emotionally Unavailable.

Ever run up on an Indiana Jones? Let me know about it.

NEXT UP: Part Three in the "Emotionally Unavailable" Series: "Tens and Other Trophies"

"Romeo/Romiette - Great Balcony - No Stamina" - Emotional Unavailability - Part 1

SYMONNE — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 21:42:00 GMT

From the book by Bryn C. Collins, "Emotionally Unavailable" we continue with the series: "Emotionally Unavailable" - the first type of emotionally unavailable individual we will discuss is the "Romeo or Romiette."

Here is the scenario: It all starts out so wonderfully, calls, letters, emails, texts, romantic evenings, cards, flowers, special and thoughtful gifts, trips - little get-a-ways, maybe even some "bling." Then what do you you do? What would any self-respecting romantic do? You fall, I mean - you fall hard. You make plans in your head, you talk about the person ad nauseum, you think - to yourself - you have most surely found THE ONE. I mean why would he say and do all these wonderful things and invest all this time - if there was not true interest - true feelings and most assuredly a true and earnest future?

So what's the problem? The problem is you began to believe the hype - you bought into the dream - you believed what you saw with your own eyes and heard with your own ears - BUT THEN . . . horror of all horrors - Romeo or Romiette - is gone - poof, adios, unanswered messages, no phone calls, no plans, no trips, no gifts, no talking, no nothing. It's like you were in a mirage - a psychotic dream - or nightmare as it now appears to be.

This is why Bryn says Great Balcony - No Stamina - because actually "Romeo" offered nothing to sustain the illusion of what was laid before you. It is the intensity of the connection that hooks you - it feels real, deep, secure and lasting. Because the focus is on you - you never thought to look deep enough into the motivation of the Romeo, nor the history of true underlying personality of the Romeo.

I mean it was all about you, what you want, where you want to go, what you want to do, what you love, what you dream of for the future - who had time to ask any questions in return?

Questions like: "Hey, buddy are you for real or is this all a bunch of horsesh**?"

By the time you have gathered yourself - Romeo is gone. On to the next conquest. Easy for him to do - because he has made no emotional investment in the relationship and in fact has made no emotional investment in you. Gratitude, flattery, even money are not the same as love and a real emotional connection.

Romeo is OK though because he is emotionally distant and unavailable - too emotionally unavailable you discover to even answer the million dollar question: "WHY"? - or "What the Fu** is wrong with you?"

You were essentially objectified in this scenario, treated just like an object that was placed delicately out on the balcony - but Girl, please don't jump - because there is no landing pad to be sure.

It's not nice, and it is definitely not OK. But it is what it is - so spot the Romeo before you go climbing the crystal stair out onto that balcony - or at least have a parachute ready to catch yourself when you fall.

Ever run into a Romeo or Romiette? Let me know about it.

NEXT UP: Part Two in the "Emotionally Unavailable" Series: "Indiana Jones: The Dangerous Man"