Gifted Reader

Diffusing a Relationship Bomb

Empathy Chylde — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 15:37:00 GMT

the only way to make peace is to defuse the bomb first, and here is how it is done

Relationship Bombs. We hit them all of the time - or rather they hit us. They are tensions ready to snap, anger ready to boil over or cold, calculated vengeance waiting for opportunity. A relationship bomb is on the brink of exploding in most confrontations because people simply don’t understand each other.

This is our first mistake. We look at a conflict and all we can see is an incident or a situation that can be solved. We are in an angry altercation with someone and we try to fix it straight away by doing something. Practical measures might have stopped the problem before it happened, but now it is too late. Really, the only way to make peace is to defuse the bomb first, and here is how it is done.

Try this example. You sit down at your colleague’s work station to quickly check something while the service guy works on your computer. You close a window and temporarily lose a file for your colleague and she is furious. Of course you can offer to search around and retrieve it but she won’t listen. Her blood is boiling, her pulse is rising and it looks like any minute you might see Mt. Vesuvius erupting through her eyes. Practical solutions are not going to help because you simply don’t understand how she feels. It is not about the lost file anymore. There is something going on in her personal world that is making the bomb tick.

The only solution is to deal with the understanding issue before it gets out of hand. The best way to do this, and walk away with a productive relationship, takes time. If you don’t have the time, then try some other way to make peace but you are going to lose in the long run. Until we try to understand the other person, an issue will never be fully solved, and may well come back to bite us later.

Here is one way to make sure you understand the other person. I call it Tedious Reflection, simply because it is tedious and it involves reflecting what you hear from the other person. This is not the same as the manipulative reflection that is supposed to build rapport with others. All we are doing here is asking if we understand the other person. If we don’t then we ask again and again and again slowly getting closer and closer to full understanding.

So you lose your colleague’s file and you carefully ask her:

You: “Can I solve this by finding your file for you? Will that make everything OK ?”

Sue: “Of course it won’t, you lazy………”

You: “So is the problem that I am a lazy….”

Sue: “No, that just makes you lose files. The problem is that this is the fourth time that…”

You: “So is the problem that people keep abusing your generosity?”

Sue: “No I haven’t been generous, it is just that they assume that I will be.”

You: “So people have just been walking in here and using your desktop like I did.”

Sue: “Yes, and they wouldn’t have done that if I was a jerk like Steven”

and so it goes on, and after a tedious process of dragging the understanding out of your colleague, her tempo gradually reduces, her colour changes back to normal and she visibly relaxes a little. At the end, you understand that the actual incident was just the flash-point. Really she cared very little about the file and so finding it again was not a big issue. It all came down to a bunch of other things happening in her world that now you have a better understanding of.

This sort of confrontation is not for the weak-hearted because you may cop a lot of anger along the way. In effect, what you are asking is “What is making you angry?”. The problem with this is that only part of any situation is actually directly related to you. Usually there will be contributing factors from all over the place that you will be hit with, in the flurry of communication.

You will never reach 100% understanding with another human unless you are physically joined by the brain. The best that you can hope for is maybe 90%. But this is a lot better than most people ever experience in their haste. You will know you are there, when you carefully ask your colleague. “Have I got this right? Do I understand correctly? You feel…..” and then they agree. That is close enough for what we want. If the other person is ready to agree that you have heard and understood them, then solving the practical things will be easy.

The whole process may have been tedious and time consuming. You may have felt awkward and embarrassed. No matter what, you will walk away with a defused Relationship Bomb, a way towards a workable solution to the underlying problem, and probably a strengthened and trusting relationship. If nothing else, this exercise will show that you have integrity in your relationships and that you are trying to set up a way that you can both walk away with dignity.

Try it today.

About Author: Tom O’Leary nearly drowned in an ocean of personal development theory. He lived to tell the tale, dispel the myths and explain what really works. Read about it at LifeGoalAction

10 Ways to Kill your Relationship

Empathy Chylde — Wed, 05 Mar 2008 03:51:00 GMT

It’s not easy to have a great relationship with your boy/girlfriend, partner, or spouse. But it’s not impossible, either — it takes some work, of course, but it’s good work, work that’s a joy when everything comes together.

A lot of times, though, the work isn’t enough. We get in our own way with ideas and attitudes about relationships that are not only wrong, but often work to undermine our relationships no matter how hard we work at it.

I’ve watched a lot of breakups (some of them my own). I’ve seen dramatic flare-ups and drawn-out slow fades, and I’ve tried to pay attention to what seems to be going on. Here are a few of the things I’ve seen that cause people to destroy their own relationships.

1. You’re playing to win

One of the deadliest killers of relationships is the competitive urge. I don’t mean competition in the sense that you can’t stand to lose at tennis, I mean the attitude that the relationship itself is a kind of game that you’re tying to win. People in competitive relationships are always looking for an advantage, the upper hand, some edge they can hold over their partner’s head. If you feel that there are things you can’t tell your partner because she or he will use it against you, you’re in a competitive relationship — but not for long.

2. You don’t trust

There are two aspects of trust that are important in relationships. One is trusting your partner enough to know that s/he won’t cheat on you or otherwise hurt you — and to know that he or she trusts you that way, too. The other is trusting them enough to know they won’t leave you or stop loving you no matter what you do or say. The second that level of trust is gone, whether because one of you takes advantage of that trust and does something horrible or because one of you thinks the other has, the relationship is over — even if it takes 10 more years for you to break up.

3. You don’t talk

Too many people hold their tongues about things that bother or upset them in their relationship, either because they don’t want to hurt their partner, or because they’re trying to win. (See #1 above; example: “If you don’t know why I’m mad, I’m certainly not going to tell you!”) While this might make things easier in the short term, in the long run it gradually erodes the foundation of the relationship away. Little issues grow into bigger and bigger problems — problems that don’t get fixed because your partner is blissfully unaware, or worse, is totally aware of them but thinks they don’t really bother you. Ultimately, keeping quiet reflects a lack of trust — and, as I said that’s the death of a relationship.

4. You don’t listen

Listening — really listening — is hard. It’s normal to want to defend ourselves when we hear something that seems like criticism, so instead of really hearing someone out, we interrupt to explain or excuse ourselves, or we turn inward to prepare our defense. But your partner deserves your active listening. S/he even deserves you to hear the between-the-lines content of daily chit-chat, to suss out his/her dreams and desires when even s/he doesn’t even know exactly what they are. If you can’t listen that way, at least to the person you love, there’s a problem.

5. You spend like a single person

This was a hard lesson for me to learn — until it broke up a 7-year relationship. When you’re single, you can buy whatever you want, whenever you want, with little regard for the future. It’s not necessarily wise, but you’re the only one who has to pay the consequences. When you are with someone in a long-term relationship, that is no longer a possibility. Your partner — and your children, if there are or will be any — will have to bear the brunt of your spending, so you’d better get in the habit of taking care of household necessities first and then, if there’s anything left over, of discussing with your partner the best way to use it.

This is an increasing problem these days, because more and more people are opting to keep their finances separate, even when they’re married. There’s nothing wrong with that kind of arrangement in and of itself, but it demands more communication and involvement between the partners, not less. If you’re spending money as if it was your money and nobody else has a right to tell you what to do with it, your relationship is doomed.

6. You’re afraid of breaking up

Nobody in a truly happy partnership is afraid of breaking up. If you are, that’s a big warning sign that something’s wrong. But often, what’s wrong is the fear itself. Not only does it betray a lack of trust, but it shows a lack of self-confidence and self-esteem — you’re afraid that there’s no good reason for someone to want to be with you, and that sooner or later your partner will “wise up” and take off. So you pour more energy into keeping up the appearance of a happy relationships than you do into building yourself up as a person. Quite frankly, this isn’t going to be very satisfying for you, and it also isn’t going to be very satisfying for your partner.

7. You’re dependent

There’s a thin line between companionship and support and dependency. If you depend on your partner — that is, if you absolutely cannot live without her or him — you’ve crossed that line. The pressure is now on your partner to fill whatever’s missing in you — a pressure s/he will learn to resent. If you expect your partner to bring everything while you bring nothing to your relationship — and I’m talking finances as well as emotional support, here — you’re in trouble. (Note: I’m not saying that you need to contribute equally to household finances — what I’m saying is that if you’re not contributing to the household budget, and you’re not contributing anywhere else, things are out of whack and that’s never good.)

8. You expect happiness

A sign of a bad relationship is that one or both partners expect either to make the other happy or for their partner to make them happy. This is not only an unrealistic expectation to lay on yourself or on them — nobody can “make” you happy, except you — but it’s an unrealistic expectation to lay on your relationship. Relationships aren’t only about being happy, and there’s lots of times when you won’t and even shouldn’t be. Being able to rely on someone even when you’re upset, miserable, depressed, or grieving is a lot more important than being happy all the time. If you expect your partner to make you happy — or worse, you’re frustrated because you aren’t able to make your partner happy — your relationship isn’t going to fare well when it hits a rough spot.

9. You never fight

A good argument is essential, every now and then. In part, arguing helps bring out the little stuff before it becomes major, but also, fighting expresses anger which is a perfectly normal part of a human’s emotional make-up. Your relationship has to be strong enough to hold all of who you are, not just the sunny stuff.

One reason couples don’t fight is that they fear conflict — which reflects a lack of trust and a foundation of fear. That’s bad. Another reason couples avoid arguments is that they’ve learned that anger is unreasonable and unproductive. They’ve learned that arguing represents a breakdown rather than a natural part of a relationship’s development. While an argument isn’t pleasant, it can help both partners to articulate issues they may not have even known they had — and help keep them from simmering until you cross a line you can’t come back from.

10. You expect it to be easy/you expect it to be hard

There are two deeply problematic attitudes about relationships I hear often. One is that a relationship should be easy, that if you really love each other and are meant to be together, it will work itself out. The other is that anything worth having is going to be hard — and that therefore if it’s hard, it must be worth having.

The outcome of both views is that you don’t work at your relationship. You don’t work because it’s supposed to be easy and therefore not need any work, or you don’t work because it’s supposed to be hard and it wouldn’t be hard if you worked at it. In both cases, you quickly get burnt out — either because the problems you’re ignoring really don’t go away just because you think they should. or because the problems you’re cultivating are a constant drag on your energy. A relationship that’s too much work might be suffering from one of the attitudes above, but a relationship that doesn’t seem to need any work isn’t any better.

Your choices

There isn’t any one answer to any of the problems above. There are choices though: you can either seek out an answer, something that addresses why you are hurting your relationship, or you can resign yourself to the failure of your relationship (and maybe the next one, and the next one, and…). Failure doesn’t always mean you break up — many people aren’t that lucky. But people can live quite unhappily in failed relationships for years and even decades because they’re afraid they won’t find anything better, or worse, they’re afraid they deserve it. Don’t you be one of them — if you suffer from any of these problems, figure out how to fix it, whether that means therapy, a solo mountain retreat, or just talking to your partner and committing yourselves to change.

Dustin M. Wax is a contributing editor and project manager at lifehack.org. He is also an anthropology and women's studies professor in Las Vegas, NV where he lives with his partner and three children. His personal site can be found at dwax.org.

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Contest! New Podcast! Want to be interviewed??

Empathy Chylde — Fri, 26 Oct 2007 20:22:00 GMT

I know it's been a while since I updated or took calls. I appreicate you all hanging in there. Life happens to all of us. :)

I wanted to let you know that I'm going to be doing a live, interactive (I will let you know when the dates are so you can participate if you like) podcast. I will be interviewing Advisors, Clients, and others. You have the opportunity to be part of this great new show!

Here's what I'm currently looking for from you. I'm having a naming Contest! The name you suggest could be given to this awesome new show! You have until Nov 1. to submit your entry to me here at Keen.

I'm also looking for guests. If you or someone you know would like to be interviewed on the show write me! We'll make arrangements to set you up. It's easy and you can use your phone for free to call into the show and be a part of it!

Let's get started!!!

Be happy through a few small changes

Empathy Chylde — Thu, 26 Jul 2007 23:42:00 GMT

One of the barriers to a happy, effective life is the way that we create negativity in our daily affairs. We swap stories of adversity — the store clerk that was rude to you, the boss that never recognizes your contribution, the accident we saw on our way into work — as a way of passing time, of connecting with each other. We kick ourselves for procrastinating, avoid colleagues we don’t get along with, gossip about ex-friends who screwed us over, and so on.

Hopefully, we’ve learned to put negative thoughts out of our mind when we face a crisis, but what about the more pervasive, low-grade negativity we create and even embrace in the act of working our ways through our lives? A lot of people seem to sabotage themselves not so much by being unable to deal with crises but by creating them out of thin air. How can we avoid being an “Eeyore“, someone who sucks the energy out of a room and out of ourselves?

Make Bad experiences into positive growth

Empathy Chylde — Thu, 19 Jul 2007 14:57:00 GMT

"Failure sucks. But if your planning on doing anything important you are going to have to get used to it. Embarrassment, frustration and even bad situations you can’t control are going to be part of life. What can you actually do about them instead of just having a “positive attitude?”"

Stay on top of your game: Be Motivated!

Empathy Chylde — Wed, 18 Jul 2007 22:40:00 GMT

Every person has a dream, which he or she wishes to fulfill at some point of time in his or her life. It could be about anything – to build a booming business, become a successful model, go on a world tour, serving the less privileged ones or simply getting married to someone you love.

However, dreams don’t come true unless you are motivated enough to work towards your goals and strive persistently until they are accomplished. As the road to success gets tougher, most people lose heart and soon give up on their dreams.

www.crystalprogramming.com

10 Ways to almost instantly improve your life!

Empathy Chylde — Wed, 18 Jul 2007 03:26:00 GMT

Many of our problems come from within our own minds. They aren’t caused by events, bad luck, or other people. We cause them through our own poor mental habits. Here are 10 habits you should set aside right away to free yourself from the many problems each one will be causing you.

Read more here

Inspirational Quotes

Empathy Chylde — Thu, 21 Jun 2007 06:03:00 GMT

Quotes can be one of life’s greatest sources of inspiration. They encourage you to live your dreams and become the person you always hoped to be.

Here are some quotes worth remembering...

Dealing with Relationships

Empathy Chylde — Tue, 19 Jun 2007 07:33:00 GMT

All of us depend on relationships with others—in our work, in our communities, in our families, in our social lives, and in our most personal and emotional attachments. A great deal has been written about building and maintaining relationships. Some of it is useful, some less so. Much of it is too complicated to carry around easily in your head, which limits its usefulness in practice. So here are some very simple, easily remembered notions to help you deal with relationships better.

Read more...

Reward yourself without spending alot!

Empathy Chylde — Thu, 07 Jun 2007 08:26:00 GMT

When you’ve accomplished a goal or mini-goal, you should celebrate and reward yourself (see Motivation Hack #11). However, if you do this often enough, and your rewards cost a lot, you’ll soon go broke.

J.D. at Get Rich Slowly recently posted that sometimes it’s OK to splurge, a cool statement coming from someone who promotes frugality. And I agree with him completely, but I thought it would be interesting to post a list of some ideas of cheap or free rewards.

Read more....

50 ways to be romantic!

Empathy Chylde — Thu, 07 Jun 2007 05:25:00 GMT

Normally my Family Day articles are about spending time with your kids, but today we’ll talk about another important aspect of families: couples. If you’ve got a significant other, I highly recommend you keep the spark of your relationship alive and find ways to show you appreciate each other, every week and every day, if possible.

Look for little, inexpensive ways to be romantic, and it will pay off for your relationship in innumerable ways.

Read more here!

Dealing with a Nightmare Boss

Empathy Chylde — Wed, 06 Jun 2007 03:08:00 GMT

The Nightmare Boss

“Nightmare bosses” can take on many forms, but 6 major categories come to mind: the Demanding Boss, the Bully Boss, and the Disorganized Boss, the Clueless Boss, the Know-It-All Boss, and the Poor-Communicator Boss. I’m sure there are others and often several of these traits can be found in your boss. A bad boss can have advantages if you use the situation as an opportunity rather than as a problem.

A demanding boss may ask for more than you can deliver, but if you use the opportunity, then you can allow your boss to be the rough surface upon which you sharpen your skills. You don’t have to like your boss. Keep in mind that it is business, not personal, and always ask yourself “how can I use this situation to my advantage?”

The thing to remember is this, no matter how bad your boss is, in the end it doesn’t matter. What matters is what you do about it. This guide will describe the tactics you can employ to come out on top no matter what your boss is doing.

Tips for Fighting infront of Children

Empathy Chylde — Sat, 02 Jun 2007 10:45:00 GMT

"Every couple fights.

Research shows that these conflicts fall into two categories: those that can be solved, like what movie to see on Saturday night, and those that can’t be solved, like how to spend money. Unfortunately, almost 70% of conflicts fall into the irresolvable category.

Since we know we’re going to fight, it’s important to learn to fight right. Studies reveal that how a couple fights matters more to the health of their relationship than how much they fight.

A couple with children has an additional pressure on their fighting style, because they owe it to their kids to maintain a certain level of civility, even if they’d take a no-holds-barred approach in private.

Here are some tips about how to fight right in front of children:"

Block out distractions...

Empathy Chylde — Fri, 01 Jun 2007 18:36:00 GMT

"One of the fundamental principles of productivity is that in order to get things done, you gotta focus. And that necessary focus requires that you eliminate as many distractions as possible — not always an easy task with the Internet, coworkers and busy phones calling to you from every direction.

Here’s how to block out the Siren’s call of distractions, in 10 steps."

Energy Healing and Protection Crystals

Empathy Chylde — Tue, 29 May 2007 23:04:00 GMT

Crystal Suffusion and Programming

Crystals have been used as far back as the Prehistoric Age and many people use them today to unblock psychic and physical energy. As an Empath I collect excess emotion and energy from the people I read for aside from daily life. While many people suggest that grounding is a good way to get rid of this energy, I have found Crystal Suffusion and Programming a much more useful and effective way of clearing this energy from me.

After giving a friend a crystal that I had suffused she told me later that it had brought her amazing feelings of joy and energy during a period in her life when things were stressful. I have decided to offer my clients this same gift of energy in hopes that it will help you as much as it has helped my friend.

Pick the type of energy/emotion are you are in need of and I will personally pick out the crystal best suited for it, program it, and send it off to you. Please allow at least a week after payment for me to work with your crystal before I send it to you.

Crystals come with a velvet bag to hold them in!

Issue: Abandonment Addiction Anger Anxiety Communication Criticism (of self or others) Despair Discouragement Emotions Overwhelm Repression Love Health Dedication Luck Envy Fearfulness Impatience Indecisiveness Inertia Money Issues Perfectionism Power Issues Rejection Resentment Self-Esteem Seriousness Stress Trauma Ungroundedness Guilt
	If you are seeking these qualities or to rid yourself of them, crystal suffusion and programming can help you.

To Order, write me with your shipping address and the type of energy / emtion you are in need of or problem you are trying to resolve.

1 Crystal- $29.95
Fuze Necklace - $49.95
3 Crystal Package - $99

FREE SHIPPING!!!

New Age meets Tech!

This is just down right cool. Recently I found what they call a "Fuze" Necklace. By combining the beauty of quartz crystal with the utter coolness of glowing LEDs AND the technique of crystal programming you get a graduating array of synchronized color/quality in a pendant you can wear!

Programming will be set to the color so that when it shifts, those vibrations will flow from the crystal pendant.

Order your's now!
49.95 + shipping and handling.